[Dublin]

I did not come to this particular forum to cause problems, I was just looking and saw the topic and wanted to see what it as all about.

I guess I was unaware of some of the feelings that some birthmoms have. As an adotive mom I guess I can never know your hurt or feelings of betrayl. I did not mean to offend anyone with what I wrote earlier.

I am happy to be an adoptive mom, for me this was the only way for my husband and I to have a child. I will not write on this particular forum again.

[Girlie_Hen]

Ahhh! Go ahead. Post on this thread if you feel like it, dublin.

[Dublin]

Thanks.

[aae92]

Well, well

I do not think we would be posting under BP with UNRESOLVED anger, if things were just peachy, sorry ladies I am going to rant.
We come here to vent, I just love the ever original- you have issues- you need therapy.. YA THINK? Wow, do aparents really think that everything is a O.K. after placement? Yes alot of women are at peace, and WE ALL DID IT FOR THE SAME REASON. We loved our children, but some of us do regret it, and if some of us had the financial support,things would of been very different. or maybe we are just mad at ourselves. For not being strong enough.
So, we come here and vent, it is healthy. With women we hope will understand. Hey, do I go in the aparents and judge them. The lovely people who adopted my daughter lied to me, slammed the door shut asap, after all kinds of promises. Heck, I do not know who they really were, after that.
So, when a amom comes in and says you need therapy, am I offended. We loved our babies. It is not a attack on aparents when we express regret, it is just how we feel. or at least how I feel. I know we are told how wonderful and noble we are. But you know I do not always feel noble, or like a angel.
Sometimes it is just hard and it still hurts. To all the great parents who have adopted and have been so kind to me, thank you for understanding this is not a personal attack.

god forbid you have to walk a mile in her shoes, then you would really know what it is like to have to choose

[Kindreds]

Talk about regrets and the potential for regrets ...
In a recent article, the 20/20 Baby's grandmother said that she encouraged her daughter to relinquish because the house was too chaotic - the grandmother has 2 teenagers and an 11 year old. (Doesn't she know they grow up?) and if the house is "too chaotic" maybe it is time she clean up her mothering skills.

And she said her daughter Jessica was not "emotionally" ready to be a mother - again, this is temporary and she should be ready in short order if she was given any guidance. Is that not the role of a mother, to guide their children. This smack more of a punishment scheme against Jessica for getting pregnant.

The main reason not mentioned in this article, but mentioned elsewhere and on the show itself - the step dad wanted no part of helping to raise this child. Now, the step dad looked like the type of person who was going to be "temporary" himself in this family. I can say with almost 100% surety this family will be regretting their decision and the one to pay the price will be Jessica when she finally figures out her mother betrayed her.

[stacyone]

Dublin, while I am sure there are many ethical agencies out there, there are probably just as many that are UNethical. Fraud in adoption is alive and well.

And as for feeling bashed or attacked... this particular thread is located in the 'Birthfamilies With Unresolved Anger' forum. If you can't take the heat, this may not be the right kitchen for you.

[patrisha]

Dublin,

I think it great you visited this thread. The more adoptive parents that learn just how much pain and regret birth mothers have to deal with, the better we'll be treated (maybe).

I understand how agency's get so focused on keeping their "client" feeling good about their decision, that they downplay the undisputable fact that one family has to be broken down before another can be built through adoption.

Do birth mothers need therapy. You bet they do. But just like dealing with grief over a death, therapy can't erase the loss. At best, it can only teach you better coping skills. Try to think of any other situation is life where you have to make a decision of this magnetude and permanency without any insight or knowledge of how you would feel when it's done. I personally equate to marrying a blind date.

Kudos to you for keeping your word to your child's birth family. I notice over and over that the best and most committed adoptive parents (like you seem to be) are often the most surprised when they hear about the darker side of the adoption industry.

Trish

[Dublin]

Trish,

Thank you so much. I have to agree with you 100% in that I did not know the darker side of adoption before I visited this forum...

Our birthmom was offered post adoption counseling and never went, she was also invited by the social worker to a birthmom's group, but never went. I was disapointed that she never took advantage of those opportunities. She will be leaving for Army basic training on May 18th. We will continue to keep in contact and send pictures. I have thought about making video's of our daughter to send to her while she is away.

I just want to add again that I was unaware of the pain that so many birthmother's go thru, I have been educated.

Dublin

[seacritter2]

Dublin: I would like to echo what Trish said, kudos to you for keeping your word with your child's birth mother. I would also like to offer kudos to you for having enough character to explain that you didn't realize how SOME of us feel. The rest of what I am about to say is not directed at you, or anyone else for that matter, I am venting (perhaps even hijacking - sorry Girlie_Hen).

I have been in therapy on and off for years. I am a self-help junkie. I have more self-help books than I do bookshelves. I have never found a birth mother support group until 3 months ago when I discovered the wonderful world of these forums. (Just got my first computer about a year ago, and finally becoming somewhat internet savvy). It feels so darn good to vent my feelings about MY adoption experience to women who truly understand. It has nothing to with my son or his parents, this about me. I feel liberated. I feel validated. I have a happy life, I have wonderful friends, a wonderful family, hobbies, etc. I do not sit around and wallow in my feelings of regret. But this is the first time in almost 27 years, I have found a place to share this and not be told "you did the best thing you could". It was the best thing for my son, (thank God I finally KNOW that for certain!!!) and hopefully for his parents, but this about me. I don't feel like I did the best I could. I am angry at myself. I am angry at the adoption agency. I am angry at my mother. I am so happy to read about women who do not have regrets. I am so happy they did not have to experience what I did and are at peace with their decesion. I hope to be at peace someday with what happened to me, and everyday, I type a little closer to my peace.

[Girlie_Hen]

like seacritter, this is the only place where I am comfortable venting. i rarely tell anyone that i am a birthmom - relinquishing has been a negative experience. The combined anonymity and the fact that someone hears (reads) me and responds has been helpful.
i have especially appreciated the insights the other birthmoms posted on this thread - they have expressed what i feel. and dublin brought the discussion to another level. thanks, hon, see ya at the shrink's office. ((hug))

[RiverGal]

Dublin ~ Where you are getting your first glimpse of adoptions gone bad here on the forum, I am on the opposite end. Until I came here. I had no idea there were actually noble amoms who gave a rat's booty about the feelings of the bmoms.

I guess we have a lot to learn on both sides.

Welcome to the madness

~Deb

[lyndalou]

Seacritter wrote," It has nothing to with my son or his parents, this about me. I feel liberated. I feel validated. I have a happy life, I have wonderful friends, a wonderful family, hobbies, etc. I do not sit around and wallow in my feelings of regret. But this is the first time in almost 27 years, I have found a place to share this and not be told "you did the best thing you could". It was the best thing for my son, (thank God I finally KNOW that for certain!!!) and hopefully for his parents, but this about me."
Thank you so much for posting this. I feel the same way. These forms have given me such insight & I can now acknowledge what I went through & stop denying my very legitimate feelings. Recognizing these buried feelings will lead to healing, I hope!

[aae92]

Girlie hen, I want to say thanks, and toall the other bmoms out there who understand how I feel and do not judge. I have just read the last page and I could of been writing those posts myself.
Like you g.h., there is really no one who knows I have a third child out there. And my god what stupid S&^t people say, totally unaware that I am a bmom. Just today A women I just hired, was talking and says " I do not what is wrong with women who just give their kids away and turn their backs on them" she was having a conversation with a co-worker about teen moms. I really jumped on that, in the most professional manner, but hopefully got my point across.
lindasue and seacritter, you echoed my feelings exactly. I was so tired for being bashed for not feeling all noble and good inside.
Maybe one day I will be at peace, maybe one day I will forgive myself. Until then I will continue to vent and work thru these god awful feelings. But it helps that there are women out there that know were Iam coming from and been thru.
Dublin.. It is always the " good" aparents that understand, thanks for coming in and seeing the "otherside" .. To here from aparents who care about the bmom, it just kinda takes the edge off. KWIM? Girlie Hen Keep up these threads, it has helped!!!!!

[Girlie_Hen]

Hi lindasueball,

I think that stacyone (amom) was telling another Amom (dublin), to stay out of the kitchen. I think she may have been an amom who is affirming birthmom anger. I think. lol
At any rate, lindasue, I feel your pain and anger. I acknowledge it. I feel it too. I particularly liked your post that began, "why, oh why is it that when a woman gets on here to post her feelings of regret, she gets told to get counseling?! why does she get bashed for voicing her feelings of regret?!" I liked everything you wrote.


lindasue and Aae92 - you are my mysterious cyber soul sisters.

Erin

[RiverGal]

Originally posted by lindasueball
stacyone, i am not surprised AT ALL to read in your profile that you are an amom, NOT A BIRTHMOTHER, perhaps it is YOU and NOT I in the wrong kitchen.

With all due respect to your right to "feel" however you choose to feel, I think you are out of line bashing Stacyone, as she was only defending the point that there are rotten agencies.

The fact that she is an amom does not give you the right to blame her for your situation. And the fact that she is an amom does not forbid her from posting on any thread.

I am a birthmother...I detest the lying, underhanded, vindictive snit of a woman who raised my child, but that gives me no right to rabidly attack a person because they happen to be an aparent. Your anger is just as justified as mine, but to attack innocent folks is not cool. Prejudice, is any form, sucks.

Just my opinion.

~Debra