[Sobersally]

Hi all,

This is the first time I have posted here. After many years of searching, I finally found my birth daughter. We just saw each others pictures and confirmed a few other things and we are both pretty sure we are who we have been looking for. We should have confirmation from the adoption agency later this week.

I have to be honest, I don't know what I am doing. I don't know what to tell her, what not to tell her. Her identity is totally entrenched in her adoptive parent's culture. She either calls me or writes to me daily. Yet, she says she hasn't had any "problems" due to being adopted. She feels she is well adjusted and since this wasn't something that was spoken out loud in her adoptive family, she felt totally accepted. She is planning on telling her family this week. Probably sooner than later.

The reason I write this, is because I am not sure how to feel. Any one with some past experience is encouraged to respond to this thread.

Thanks
sobersally

[patrisha]

Hi sobersally,

Fellow birth mom here.

Scary, isn't it. Well there are no rights or wrongs. Each reunion is as individual as the participants involved. There are books available to give you some hints, but remember specific points or theories may not apply to you and your daughter so take them with a grain of salt.

I encourage people to be patient and let the relationship grow at it's own pace. Answer question's openly and honestly or say that you are not ready to discuss that subject yet. Avoid "over explaining". I also discourage transferring blame for relinguishment on parents, birth father or anyone else (even if they were influential).

As the searcher you had a little more time to emotionally prepare for this reunion than your daughter. Give her space to process if she needs it.

If your daughter feels she is "well adjusted" and has no problems with her adoption, trust her to know herself. Many adult adoptees on this forum totally agree with her.

Best of Luck

Trish

[Sobersally]

Trish,

Thanks for replying. I wish I really had more time to think about the "reunion" prior to finding her. Although I have always thought about her, and hoped that we would "find" one another, I never prepared myself for all the emotions I am having.

You mentioned her to be "my daughter". I feel like that is not even a possibility to think that way. Of course, I don't know what I would call her. I feel as though she is in control because she is the findee. It's almost like a dream come true. Sometimes I would think it never happened. The birth was a dream. And then here it is. God doesn't give me anything I can't handle, but this is close.

I guess I will have her decide when to meet, although I did think about asking her today to meet sometime this week. She lives about 45 minutes from me. Very close. I want so badly to have this work out to be a relationship of substance.

Onward,
Sally

[StevieGirl]

Originally posted by Sobersally
Yet, she says she hasn't had any "problems" due to being adopted. She feels she is well adjusted

I can't help but feel you say these things like you don't believe them - like you were hoping you would find that she needs you to fix things. (I could be wrong - just reading between the lines).

I'm an adoptee who never had an issue with being adopted, and also AM very well adjusted. I never felt I was any less than my adoptive parents child.

I recently found my birthmother and am having a wounderful reunion with her - and building a relationship. I am her daughter.

If a mother can love more than one child, a child can love more than one mother.

Just take it slow, get to know her. Answer her questions. Try to read her cues on how much she wants/needs to know. The pace at which you take the beginning can make or break a reunion.

Best of luck!

[Dixierae]

Iam a bmom whos bdaughter found her almost 5 years ago shes now 30 and I 45 anyway when she found me it was my 40th bday I couldnt have been happier after talking on the phone and emailing I went to meet her and her husband and two boys, all looked well, but I had walked into the gates of hell and didnt see what was comming. Well needless to say our realationship hit bottom, she lied to me after I moved her closer to me, her and her husband split up and she went and had two more boys with someone husband in our family, we dont have anything to say to each other because I can not trust her, all I did was tell her the truth and everything just stopped.

I say go and meet her but make her see that if nothing else she should not lie to you or you to her about anything and to treat each other with respect, I wish you well with building a realationship with your child please post and let me know how alls going TAKE CARE



TO THY OWN SELF BE TRUE

[Sobersally]

Thanks everyone for replying.


I would like to first to respond to Steviegirl. It is not that I don't believe her that she is or isn't well adjusted. She is 25 yrs old and very similar to me. I know I wasn't well adjusted and was in denial about many things. As we grow older, we find out things about ourselves that we never dreamed possible. And sometimes we change for the better and sometimes we can't. Due to influences or environmental obstacles, we sometimes go with the easier road. And I wonder outloud in this forum, if she is possibly in denial or not. You have given me some things to think about.

As for the rest. I will take it easy. I feel she is in control. However, I do feel very vunerable to her. Not something I like. And as I said previously, this is all new to me. Never was a mother of any kind before this and I am not one now. Giving birth doesn't automatically make you a mother. I know this. But I can't help feeling like I want more out of this. Maybe it's time for therapy. This is opening up old wounds that I had buried quite well until now.

I want to say thanks for listening. I don't want to offend anyone with my thoughts. Just wanted to share.

Sally

[Jackiejdajda]

Sobersally wrote..As for the rest. I will take it easy. I feel she is in control. However, I do feel very vulnerable to her. Not something I like.

Thanks for sharing Sally

I also felt my bson was in control.. I felt like I had to do all the right things in order for it to go well.. Like in a novel..
Like someone had written a script for me.. For my penance..

After he did not write me emails for a while I started to let it go.. Trust the journey.. Or as my dad said.. "Let it run its course".
That was when I realized that I could take care of myself in all this.

I personally believe it needs to be an equal relationship.. Two adults meeting.. Two adults with different ideas of what this relationship should be.. If one controls it.. IMO it can not work..

If you are not comfortable the thing is going to take another path.

Long and slow.. I know that is the key to this..


Jackie

SoberSally,

You are very smart to be asking these questions. As an adult adoptee...and 46 years old to boot...I can tell you I am not in denial regarding my adoption. I am as well adjusted as the next guy...ok..so a little neurotic at times!!!LOL...but I don't believe it has anything to do with my adoption. My aparents handled it just fine. I did question my beginnings...I still wonder how much of me could be the age old nature vs. nuture thing. But all in all I am quite content in my position as an adoptee. After coming on these boards and hearing about all the denial stuff..I trully did think a long time and question myself....in conclusion...I never felt abandoned or rejected.

In your case, I suggest you don't look for trouble if there is none. In the beginning just get to know each other. Take it day by day. Answer her questions honestly and treat her as the presumably smart, adult she is. Let her know about the confusion you are feeling but don't overload to much...it might send her running.

I did have a reunion with my birthmom and we did have some difficulties...but ala in all she was my birthmom and did have repect on part becaouse of that.

[patrisha]

Sobersally,

Jackie's advise about give and take was so true. I know you really want this relationship to work, but don't set yourself up to be hurt or taken advantage of. (In other words, don't grovel for her affection). You could end up really regretting having set that precedence in the long run.

Maybe it's time for therapy. This is opening up old wounds that I had buried quite well until now.

Also consider finding a support group in your area. Our group is small, informal, and has representatives from all sides of the triad. We've found bouncing our feelings off people in the same boat enlightening and comforting.

Members of our group believe in open communication between the birth and adoptive parents whenever possible. If you feel up to it, ask your daughter if she has any problems with you contacting her parents after she has told them.

We recommend a short letter introducing yourself and offering to meet and discuss any concerns they might have with the reunion. No gushing thank-you's, etc. They didn't raise her for you. They were a family. If you want to compliment her, refer to how nice, well spoken, or courteous she is and that "her parents" must be very proud of her. If they don't get the impression you and their daughter are sneaking around and meeting behind their back, they won't feel nearly as paranoid. If they're happy and supportive, your relationship with your daughter will go much smoother.

Keep you chin up! You're not traveling this road alone. We'll be right there whenever you need us.

Trish

[Sobersally]

Well, she decided today that after telling her parents last night, she needs time and her parents are her first concern.

Needless to say, I was devasted and came home from work because crying at work is not a good thing.

I know that her parents are very "old fashioned" and this has hurt them. One thing I don't understand is, by not talking to me anymore how this will solve anything. Other than pushing it under the rug as they have done for 25 yrs. Maybe I should have more faith in the process, but I am hurt and can tell you that I will not allow her to hurt me this much again.

Sally

Sally,

I am sorry...this is the whole rollar coaster thing with reunions. Our emotions are out there and vunerable. The thing is, as I told you I do consider myself a well adjusted person...but when I had my reunion with birthmom at the age of 29 I was broadsided as to the many emotions that were conjured up. I had no idea that they were even there. My intial reaction after meeting was to run, avoid, because I did not know how to deal with them. I was SOOO confused. In my mind my aparents were my mom and dad....well then how come I do feel something for this stranger that gave birth to me!!! Does that in any way negate who my parents were? If I valdiate my relationship with birtfamily...does that in any way invalidate my realtionship with aparents...if so...has my whole life been phoney...i.e. phoney family ect. On some leval I knew that not to be true, but those were some of the fears. It took a while for me to come to a place that it was ok to honor both aparents and birth family. Relationships were different, yet just as important to me.

I don't believe she is intentionn lly trying to hurt you...just trying to get it straight in her mind. She is still very young.

No, you should not allow her to hurt you...but try to understand her feelings.

What helped me a lot was when everyone involved said that they understood my confusion and gave me the time to sort it out. If someone told me I should or should not feel a certian way it was time to shut things down...didn't want to hear that. Unfortuanly it sounds like her aprents are not looking at her feelings but their own...thats sad..I didn't have to deal with that. My amom was very supportive of my search and didn't appear to be threatened in any way. That made contact with my birthmom so much easier. That last thing I would have wanted to do is hurt my a parents and if I felt they would have been hurt I may have delayed my search.

Please give yourself time to learn and process...given time she will come around

Donna

[StevieGirl]

Originally posted by Sobersally
Well, she decided today that after telling her parents last night, she needs time and her parents are her first concern.

Needless to say, I was devasted and came home from work because crying at work is not a good thing.

I know that her parents are very "old fashioned" and this has hurt them. One thing I don't understand is, by not talking to me anymore how this will solve anything. Other than pushing it under the rug as they have done for 25 yrs. Maybe I should have more faith in the process, but I am hurt and can tell you that I will not allow her to hurt me this much again.

Sally

Sally,

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I'm not sure if you've read "The 5 Stages of Reunion" but backing off and needing time is one of the stages. I could happen right away, or it could happen somewhere down the road.

Many times there are issues with the aparents. I'm lucky, my mom is all for my reunion, and even paid for the search.

IF the aparents have a problem with it, then they need to deal with their insecurities.

I told my amom that it wasn't like she was on one side of a scale, and my bmom was on the other, and if I like my bmom, that means I like my amom less. They are 2 entirely different people to me.

When we get married, do our parents feel threatened when we love our in-laws?

There are going to be a ton of ups and downs.

Did you respond to your daughter? The best thing is to tell her you'll be here when she needs you, and you understand her need to sort things out.

With all that said, as an adoptee, I did ask my bfather for some space at one point, and when he called himself "dad" a couple times I felt defensive of my afamily. My dad has passed away - so it was touchy to me - like my bdad thought he was stepping in and taking my dad's place.

In the beginning it's all about balances . . . your bdaughter is most likely trying to figure out where she wants you in her life, and at the same time reassuring herself and her parents that they are still in the same place they've always been.

Hang in there!

[Sobersally]

Thanks everyone for the words of wisdom. I am feeling somewhat better but I have not written her. I don't want to say things that I don't mean. I don't want to cry anymore. I knew that there was going to be ups and downs. But never did I think it would be so soon. Especially since we haven't even met yet. Maybe it would have been more hurtful had it been done at a later time.

All I know right now is that I need to heal. I have read many posts here, and wish she would also. Such good advice. We are not alone. But all in due time I guess.

Like I said in the begining. I am new as a birth mother and I guess not the best at dealing with all this. But at 47, I know a few things and I know time will help me heal. Again thanks.

[Sobersally]

This will probably be my last post. She wrote to me and said her mother had a letter that was written by her birthmother. Which I didn't write. And then I wrote saying that I would wait until I hear from the adoption agency. We both put in our consent forms. She withdrew hers. She doesn't want to know who her birthmother is now, because she has hurt her parents so much by telling them. And then she did the ultimate hurt. And I quote"My birthmother had her chance 25 years ago and she let it go". So much for being well adjusted. I didn't deserved that. Now I am just a birthmother without a name.

I realize that she is a runner. She has been running from everything and now she is running from me. I have been sober for 13 years and I hope that I don't drink over this. I realize no one is worth that. But I never thought someone I didn't even know could hurt me so much. I feel like a fool.

Thanks for letting me share.
Sally

[Jackiejdajda]

Sally wrote..I have been sober for 13 years and I hope that I don't drink over this. I realize no one is worth that. But I never thought someone I didn't even know could hurt me so much. I feel like a fool.

How about ninety meetings in ninety days?

Do you have a sponsor you can call?


Jackie