[KCE67]

I'm not a birthmom or an adoptive parent.

This past Fall, I found out I was pregnant. It's not a planned pregnancy and the baby's father decided that he wants no involvement. I'm a woman in my thirties, I have other children from my marriage that are 10 and 9 and I have been raising them by myself since the oldest was barely 2 and the youngest was 6 months old. I'm not saying it was easy, but now all these years later, I have a house, a job, and some savings. I wasn't expecting to have another child, but sometimes the best things are unplanned. I want this baby and my family wants this baby too. I feel that I can parent her as a single parent and have no issues with doing so.

The problem is this baby's father. When we first found out I was pregnant, he begged me to get an abortion. That wasn't even a consideration for me and I refused. He was insistent that having this baby was wrong. We discussed the idea of adoption. We talked about it and I started coming here. He assured me it would be best for the baby and to think of the family I'd be creating by giving her up. All I could think about was the pain and the loss I would feel and I couldn't get it out of my mind. I also couldn't get it out of my mind that now, I'm financially stable. I know that I can parent her. I have in the past and my other children are well adjusted, bright, and best of all very much loved. After Thanksgiving, I knew that I couldn't in good conscience give up this baby. I told her father and he told me he was then forced to leave me and the baby, he wants nothing to do with me or this baby and for the past month has done nothing more than call me selfish for "denying this baby a two parent household." (of course it was his decision to run out, not mine otherwise, she would have had two parents) In his mind, my decision to NOT place my child means that I don't love this child more than I love myself, that I'm not being a good person and since I work full time and won't be staying home with her, she'll be missing out. He also feels that my two other children will suffer under the "burden" of this baby and has already spoken to a couple that, as he put it, would love to "take this baby off my hands."

My question to all of you is, is there a right and wrong in this decision? Am I being selfish? Is the decision to parent my child as a single a wrong one? I feel the decision to place or parent, is one that only we as individuals/Mothers can make and I think we all make decisions based on what we feel is the best thing to do at the time. I really want to hear your stories and how you feel and felt then and what kinds of things you thought of when you made the decision to place your children. My mind is pretty much made up and my child will stay with me but I would love outside views from those that have been in this position too.

Love to you all..

[Resseda]

There are no absolutes in adoption, that's something I have learned in the past 15 months since placing my son. In your case, though, I will say this, If you are not whole-heartedly, with a clear conscience "into" the idea of placing your child for adoption, don't. It's that simple. Regardless of your finances or the one-parent family or whatever, if you don't fully commit yourself, you're just asking for huge issues and heartbreak down the road.

I also think you also need to consider how placing this child would affect your other children, since they are old enough to understand what is happening. It shouldn't be the deciding factor, but it should be A factor. And not that the father doesn't have any input, but his input was walking away. It's your decision now.

Good luck...pm or email me anytime.

Ress

[BrandyHagz]

I think you have to make the best decision you can for YOU and YOUR BABY! If this man is going to run out on his responsibilities now, then he isn’t worth being in your life. If a man gave me the choice, him or my unborn child…I’d pick my unborn child in a minute, and send him on his way!

You don’t need a two-parent home to raise a child successfully, and it sounds like he is using that as an excuse to rid himself of responsibility of the child.

If you can care for your child, financially and emotionally, then I don’t see a reason to make an adoption plan…to me, desiring a two parent home isn’t enough reason…because things can change. Adoptive parents divorce, birthparents marry…

Good luck making the best decision for you and your baby…

[dynamic2003]

I am an adoptee, or "adopted person". I couldn't help but feel very uplifted by your determination and careful decision to keep your baby, in spite of the circumstance surrounding you. Not becuase of your decision, but because you are so certain that this is in fact your own choice. I have been known to "pre-judge" birth mothers who place their children for adoption. But I have since learned, through their eyes, their voices, and their perspectives, that this is meant to be one of the most loving jestures a mother can make for their child. On that note, I just wanted to tell you that from your post it seems you have not in any way made a "rash" or "hurried" decision at all. The child's father appears to be more than "selfish", he is quite manipulative in the sense that he is actually attempting to force his own opinions and choices upon you through the use of "guilt". If you based this decision on his beliefs, then how would it be one of fairness and certitude?...I for one am very happy that the decision you are making is one based on you, your children, your financial status, and your ability to mother a child, not one of guilt forced upon you by a father who does not desire to take part in this new life. I know there are a lot of couples out there waiting for the opportunity to have a child to love too. Either way, with each decision, it is true selfless love I see in your heart for this child, whether the father agrees or not.

You are in your thirties and feel confident that you can bring this child up? You are asking if you be be selfish to keep the baby? This child will have 2 older siblings that know?

Daddy pops wants you to place...why??? Is the thought of his financial output pressuring you to place?

If you truly feel that you can give this baby the love and security that she will need and are able to meet the many needs of your family I personaally see no reaason to place this child. Daddy is looking out for himself and only himself...and he is trying to make you feel selfish. He is looking at this child as an it....a problem to be tsaken care of, not the little human being that he/she is.

[MNelson]

I would just like to point out that you managed to successfully parent two children all by yourself when they were under two years old when you were less financially stable! Desiring to parent your child is not the least bit selfish! When birthmothers are described as selfless, it is because they are making the right decision for their specific circumstances, and making a huge sacrifice in the process. Every situation is different, so choosing to parent your baby does not in turn make you selfish.

Ditch this "dad" from your conscience ... and please don't let him guilt you into absolving him of his responsibility either. It sounds like that's what he might be setting you up for.

If he weren't being so apparently manipulative, and instead were being direct in saying "hey, I'm concerned that *I* won't be able to be proper parent and be financially responsible", then I wouldn't be so curt. But he's trying to put it on you, saying that you can't properly parent the child. I'm sorry, but that's just .... well cow manure

And even if you placed, there's no guarantee that the adoptive couple will remain a two parent household. So that in itself is not a reason.

And your two children will love having a younger sibling to have around. And they are almost baby sitting age. My younger brother arrived when I was twelve and (eventually ) thought it was the coolest.

[KCE67]

Thanks all for your replies!

I'm feeling better and better about this decision. Now, I'm moving from the emotional angst stage to the "getting things ready for baby" stage.

Ress, you're right. I knew I wasn't 100% behind the idea of adoption and it never quite felt right for me. In the back of my mind I knew my heart wasn't in it, I would change my mind and I didn't want to bring in a hopeful adoptive couple while there was that strong possibility.

Brandy, thanks! I was hoping that somewhere along the way, he would choose his child too. I knew by not giving my child up for adoption, he would leave. Knowing this didn't make it all any easier but I am sleeping better.

DPen6 - the good news is I don't consider her a problem I am so looking forward to her arrival!

Dynamic - Thanks for your words. The parent/child bond is very strong. Through reading the posts of Birthmom's, I know that the bond never really dissolves. I'm sure your birthmom agonized over this too and I'm sure she thinks about you every day and hopes that she did the right thing for you and that she gave you a happy life. This ranks as one of the most difficult situations I've ever been faced with.

Hopeful - My older childrens feelings were very much taken into consideration when I changed my mind. It's amazing how intuitive they are. My daughter kept asking me if I wanted to give her up too and if she was wanted. YIKES! Though my baby's father believed that their opinions were not important and that this was something between just him and I, I knew that wasn't true. This is a decision that would have affected my children, my brother, sister, dad, grandparents and everyone that is close to me. It would have been a loss for us all. I needed to listen to them too. As it happens, my children, especially my girl, are very excited and even though she's not born yet, my son and daughter have plans for this one and they already think she's the coolest. We'll see how long that lasts

On a positive note, the father and I had a productive discussion recently about what he was going to do for this baby. We apologized for some of the things we said to hurt eachother and I mentioned that maybe we could at least work on remembering that we were friends first and also work on remembering some of the good things about eachother. I'm praying still that we can both work on healing and forgiveness now and that our daughter will grow up with two parents that love her. Now, I'm just watching to see if his actions back up his words.

[patrisha]

KCE67,

I am happy for you that you are refusing to be pressured or manipulated into doing something against your better instincts that would have life long consequences.

I wanted to add one point about your baby's father. I'm sure he knows that if you choose to parent he will have a financial obligation to his child, whether it's his decision or not to keep him/her. He will certainly cry foul and try to convince you that since it was your decision, it's your responsibility.

WRONG! No matter how financially stable you are, you still deserve financial assistance from him and he is morally and legally obligated to provide it. I know you don't want to rock the boat, or cause unnecessary stress between the two of you, but you shouldn't shortchange yourself or your other children.

I wish you the best of health and happiness and congradulations on your upcoming family addition.

Trish