[SusanD60]

I hear from so many birthmothers how they never stop thinking about their child they gave up. Yet, I always wonder. My birthmother came from a large family. Wouldn't you think that at least one of them would be curious enough to search for me? Or maybe one of their children may want to look for me, their cousin. Even if my birthmother never had another child, like I said there is plenty of other people involved here. It is hard to believe that she kept me a secret from so many people. I hope I am not offending or hurting anyone, but I am getting so discouaged. I will be 47 next month. She was 19 when she had me. She had several siblings who were older and even more younger than her. She will be only turning 66. That is not old. So chances are she is still alive. Is it possible for a birthmother to totally block out all memories of her child?
Just wondering.
born Jan 22, 1957 Chicago, Illinois
Susan

[suzee]

I am so sorry to hear of your pain and frustration. I am a birthmom who placed my son for adoption 8 years ago. To be completely honest, I do not constantly think of him or I'd go crazy. I do, however, think of him often. There is a certain degree of distance obviously since this adoption was semi-open (I don't get visitation, but his parents are great about sending letters and pics every year). I KNOW that your bmom thinks of you. She may have her own issues and not feel able to ACT on her feelings. Who knows, maybe she's in a marriage where her spouse is unaware of the adoption? Maybe she has warned other family members to back off? I know this is really tough and this may be no consolation whatsoever, but even though it feels like they are shunning you in a personal way, they aren't. They do not know you and how much they are missing by not getting to know you. I hope that something I've shared has helped even if just a teeeny tiny bit. I'm just trying to be a somewhat objective party... Happy holidays and hang in there Susan.

[FatBirdy]

I am an adoptee - my bmom was pregnant with me at 19 and also came from a huge family with older and younger siblings....she moved out of town for a 'job' and none of them were the wiser that she had a baby. So it is very possible that no one but your bmom knows about you. That was the case with mine and when I found her it did take her a while to come around and warm up to me becasue - she said - giving me up for adoption was the most painful thing that she has ever done and she burried that pain so deep. She did say she thought of me often and cried on my birthday but she didn't think of me all the time either. It is still a bit of a sore spot for me that she never looked for me and I am pretty sure that she would never have - I am trying to understand that it was simply too painful to do. To search would have been to open up those wounds that she has spent a few decades trying to hide - and her children and husband didn't know - to search would be to have to tell them and her friends.....something that I guess was just easier to push to the side. I am not going to say that it doesn't hurt - but I am trying to understand. SO....perhaps your bmom has a similar story - it seems all too common.

[solonely1974]

I did a search for my birthmother and she was located by the caseworker but at this time she is unsure about reuniting. I still haven't heard anything.
But I understand about wondering if she is thinking about you. I wonder a lot around my birthday and holidays. Cuz that is when I think about her the most.
I did find out that only her parents knew about the pregnancy. Her husband now and her daughter know nothing about me. Her first husband did, and I guess he gave her grief about it so she hasn't told anyone since. I hate to be a secret. I'm sad about it, but I really don't know what else to do.
Have you done a search for her?

Take care,
Sarah

[Jackiejdajda]

SusanD wrote.. Is it possible for a birthmother to totally block out all memories of her child?

I believe secrecy becomes a habit.. A way of life.
You give a baby up and no one acknowledges your experience..
You are not supposed to speak about what happened.

Its a toxic experience.. IMO

Add to that mix a husband or mate who does not know.. Or who does know and is not supportive..
Or she may have heard the husband making negative comments about a woman who did give her baby up..

I personally believe the fault lies with the ones who decided that giving a baby up was to be kept a secret. The ones who thought it best that she be redeemed and cured of her ways..

Low self image is key here..



Jackie

[shirleyville]

My birthmom is 60....she gave birth to me in 1964 and has no desire for contact. She didn't tell a soul in her family about me, except for one sister and her step-mother. Her step-mother passed away in 1992, leaving only her sister with "the secret". Until I attempted contact thru a state appointed CI, not another soul knew....and now, only my cousin has been added to the list of those in the "know zone". Back in the day, it wasn't something you talked about. When my cousin, who is my age, discovered the "big family secret", she was shocked that all of this happened with so few people knowing......but the truth of the matter is, that's the way it happened back then. People "went away" to have their children and place them for adoption without ever telling a soul, and they went on about their lives as if it never happened. That is what they were "instructed" to do, by the "professionals" of the time. They were told that this was "best".
My birthmom wasn't searching for the simple fact that she didn't want to be found out -- she has children who don't know about my birth and relinquishment, and she doesn't WANT them to know. She feels that after nearly 40 years, it would be too much for them.....she feels they wouldn't understand. She's lived all this time never speaking of it, and it's too hard now -- it's even too hard for her to acknowledge herself, let alone "come out" to everyone in the life she's built for herself for the last 40 years. It's a life that doesn't INCLUDE me -- at least outwardly....and it's too hard....too painful...to bring it all to the surface.
My aunt, who DID know about me, was pleased to hear from me and said she was "comforted" by the fact that I was happy and healthy -- but out of respect to her sister, she wouldn't have contact with me, either. She said she didn't want to betray her sister.
So, it DOES happen......families can be in the dark -- never knowing about the birth....and birthmothers can and do sometimes move on without ever breathing a word. It's hard for us now to understand in this time of enlightenment and information sharing....but back then, things were different.
I sure understand where you are coming from and where your thoughts are....
Best of luck!
Hugs,
Sally

[Sharon]

Sally,
this Christmas, for the first time since you were born, your birthmother knows you are alive and safe. She knows your name! She knows where you are, and so many other important things about you.
This Christmas, for the first time since my son was born, I know that he is alive and safe, I know his full name (I always knew his first name), I know where he is, and many other important things about him.
It's a great blessing for me, and it's a great blessing for your birthmother too, whether or not she is able to acknowledge it.
I hope 2004 brings happy new developments in your situation.
(I also appreciate your input on the "spying" thead. Perhaps we should start our own organization... "United Creeps of America"? )
Best wishes and happy holidays!
~ Sharon

[carolyn563]

I'm sure your birthmother thinks of you often,if not daily.
I gave up my beautiful son in 1966 and never really started looking for him until recently.My reason is that I didn't know for
sure if he knew he was adopted.I didn't want to be the one to open that issue for him until now. Now I figure he's old enough to"take the news" even if his adoptive Mom and Dad haven't told him. I told my 1st husband about him, and my second husband, because I figured they had a right to know and my 3 other children know also and everyone is anxious to meet him,too.

Perhaps your Birthmother feels the same way I do.
If I don't find my son here on earth,there's always heaven.
Don't be discouraged.

Merry Christmas to you,
Carolyn563

[Dawn74]

I am a bmom and the youngest of seven children. All of them knew about my pregnancy and the adoption of my beautiful daughter. None of them searched for my daughter out of respect for me and for her. They felt it was up to us to decide when it was right to contact each other. I thought/think about my daughter almost every day since her birth over 29 years ago. We reunited October 2002 after I searched for her. I waited until she was old enough to decide whether she wanted to meet me or not. We had a beautiful reunion day, but I have only heard from her one time since then. That was a few days after her birthday in February, when she called to thank me for her birthday present I sent her. It has been hard for me not to pick up the phone once a week to speak to her, but I realized she doesn't want that. I will wait patiently for her to contact me now. In the mean time, everything I have always prayed for, for her happened to her. And I know that she is alive, happy and healthy. That is all that I have ever wished for and now that I know this I will continue to be patient. Maybe your birth family does not know about you and if they do, they feel it is up to you and your Mom to make the contact. My family was also afraid for me to be rejected by my daughter and felt that I should be the one to make the inital contact. Apparently you have pretty much information about your bmom, have you found her? Don't give up, she may be afraid you don't want any contact with her. I doubt that she has blocked memories of you. Most likely the fear of rejection is what is keeping her from looking.
I pray you find her and have a wonderful reunion. God Bless.
Dawn

[SusanD60]

First I would like to thank everyone for their responses. Each one has given me something to think about. I sure hope I didn't "bum" anyone out so close to Christmas. All of the information that I have is from a non id I recieved 20 years ago. So far I have registered with the health department in Springfield Illinois. There wasn't a match there. Since the laws in Illinois will change in 2004 I plan on getting a CI then. So soon, maybe soon, I will at least know whether or not my birthmother is alive and interested in meeting me. If she is not, I already have built myself up for it. Maybe she will at least answer a few questions. That quote from Alex Haley says it all.
No way do I want to hurt her if she has never told anyone about me, but yet there is a selfish part of me who still wants everyone to know so that I can get to know them. Make sense? I want her to know I am fine, happy and I have two lovely daughters.
I hope she is happy too. Funny it is often in the back of my mind about the "spy" thread. Sometimes I find myself answering threads in hopes that she is reading them. If so, even though it is the day after Christmas. MERRY CHRISTMAS MOM!!
Hope all of you had a great and very Merry Christmas and please all of you have a safe, healthy News Years.
Susan 1-22-57 Chicago Illinois searching for birthmother.

[jdolphincg]

I am a birthmom and my son is now 17. I gave him up at a very young age. I do think of him almost everyday. I pray everyday that he is safe and loved by the family who is raising him. I know that he is getting close to the age that I can search for him. But I worry that he may reject me. Maybe he hates me for what I did. I do love him very much and I did what I really believe was best for him. But I don't know how he is going to react. I hope that you know that your bmom might just be scared of your rejection. It may not have anything to do with not wanting to find you. Maybe she is just not doing anything about wanting to find you and know you because she doesn't want to, maybe she is just scared of your reaction. I hope you understand what I am saying. Jane

[Shoshana]

The only people who knew my birthmother gave birth to me were her parents, brother, and sister. And she never told another soul - not her new husband, not her ob/gyn (she had 3 more children). Her father did bring up my name, and light candles for me in church, but he was the only person who never outwardly forgot.

My birthmother told me that she had very few memories of her stay in the home, or of the birth. She did think of me sometimes, especially on my birthdays - but mostly she repressed the whole experience and made it her motto to 'get on with her life'. When her 3rd child died at 3 mos, she wondered if she was being punished. There is an air of sadness about her. I've always wondered if it's because of what she went through.