[trout]

after reading Denise Marie's post I started wondering in the a-parents cutting off contact is really that unusual. Some said that 10 is the age but for me it was 3. So I wonder If you were cut off by the aparents and also when?
Thanks trout.

P.S. It is nice to know that I am not alone.

[Sharon]

The adoptive parents of my son cut off contact just before he turned a year old.
~ shar

[Teresa K]

Mine forgot pics the first month, the "amom" said she was busy writing thank you notes.

They sent pics four times, maybe five after that. So contact ended at about six months. Teresa

[FatBirdy]

I keep reading posts about so called open adoptions that suddenly get closed - or rather, bmoms get cut off from their children. This seems so wrong to me (as an adoptee) - isn't there any legal clauses that could be or should be included in the adoption 'contract'? Adoption can sure get nasty. I am sorry for all bmoms that have been cut off from their children by aparents who claim to be acting in the best interest of their achildren - when really, I suspect this has to do with the aparent's own insecurities about sharing the mommy role.

[Sharon]

Fatbirdy, open adoption contact agreements are not legally binding in most states; they are "good faith" agreements. If one party chooses not to uphold their end of the agreement, the other party has no legal recourse. Many birthmothers, like myself, were not made aware of this at the time they placed their children in open and semi-open adoptions. I hope that now, with forums like this, as well as all sorts of other internet resources, prospective birthmoms will be able to educate themselves a little better than I did, and truly understand the risks as well as the benefits of adoption.
Open adoption agreements are legally binding in several states, and I hope they will soon be legally binding in every state.
~ Sharon

[dl]

I believe that when people enter into any agreement ALL PARTIES should keep their word. Especially in an adoption agreement, where human feelings are involved as well as an innocent child.

Fatbirdy, you stated "I suspect this has to do with the aparent's own insecurities about sharing the mommy role." I have learned much about open adoption during my year on the forum and it has been stated many times that open adoption is NOT coparenting. Obviously the child has bparent and aparents. But there is one person that has the "mommy role" ~ it is NOT shared.

[FatBirdy]

Hi dlouis,
I know that the amom is the mom; however, all adopted children 'technically' have 2 mommy's - and that can't be denied or ignored. Each has there own role and place in the child's heart. I did not mean to offend so please accept my appology if I did.

[BrandyHagz]

I know that the amom is the mom; however, all adopted children 'technically' have 2 mommy's - and that can't be denied or ignored.

Technically, the children have a birthmother and a mommy....not two mommies.

I've seen this argued somewhere else on the board...as a birthmother this kinda thing freaks me out....my daughter has one mom...its the woman raising her...I am her birthmother, nothing more, nothing less.

There is a lot to be said when you call a woman "mommy" and to me...a birthmother could never be a "mommy" to the child she placed...she could eventually be a mom, but never a mommy.

Maybe I'll get flamed for that...but thats just my opinion.

[Sharon]

For the record, I agree with Brandy; a bmother, however involved in her child's life, is not a "Mommy". That title should and must be reserved, IMO, for the woman who is actually parenting the child.
I don't see how a birthmother could ever, even if she wanted to, usurp that position from an adoptive mother, so if any aparents are in fact worried about that, they shouldn't be.
I also agree with DLouis; it is equally terrible when birthparents agree to open adoption, then break their agreement. I think legal accountability should work both ways.
~ Sharon

[FatBirdy]

Oh dear - I have set some people off. I think we are all on the same page here. We are battling over definitions that are understood differently and never absolute. For me, mom and mommy are the same thing.

[BrandyHagz]

I also agree with DLouis; it is equally terrible when birthparents agree to open adoption, then break their agreement. I think legal accountability should work both ways.

I also agree...Open adoptions are for the best interest of the child...having a birthparent come in and out of their lives as they see fit isnt healthy either...

For me, mom and mommy are the same thing.

I agree, mom and mommy are the same thing...

Mom, mommy and birthmom are not...I think thats where we are conflicted.

[FatBirdy]

We are all touched by adoption - and we all have masses of strong feelings - I think when we get riled it's becasue it touches our sorest spots. As an adoptee by bmom will never replace my mom but my mom can never take away my connection to my bmom....both fall under the umbrella of Mother. I wish that every person disconnected by adoption, who wishes to be reuinted - will be! Good luck to all involved! Amom, bmom, mom, mommy....don't get hung up on pre concieved notions of what you think you're supossed to be.....follow your heart!

[Sharon]

Fatbirdy,
I was not angered by your post; I don't think Brandy and DLouis were either. I'm a bmom, DLouis is an adoptee, Brandy's an adoptee and a bmom.
It is always encouraging to me when anyone, especially an adoptee, expresses the opinion that open adoption contracts should be honored. However, I do not want to seem unfair or biased against aparents. I have met many wonderful aparents on this forum. They are not in the least insecure or afraid of "sharing" or being replaced by bmoms. My second post was only an attempt to clarify my position on this, not to bash you. My natural inclination is to empathize more with bmoms in this situation, since that's my experience... however, we should all try not to overgeneralize or make blanket statements. Most of the aparents I've spoken to are generous, empathetic people who have their childrens' best interest at heart.
~ Sharon

[debsdone]

In a way it is that language thing again. No matter how gentle the words, there is some adoption language that seems so very hostile. We have battled it here on numerous fronts, I am afraid I must admit that I find phrases like "disconnected by adoption" to be one of those terms that make me feel defensive. Anything anti-adoption eventually reflects negatively on the adoptee. It is what we are, how we came to be. It isn't always about the 2 mommies thing. That power struggle is something that should take place without any negative inferences towards the child. IMO And while the insecurity of an a-mom is a possible reason for the closing of an open adoption (NEVER a GOOD reason) there are numerous other possibilities. As important as it is to do away with the stereotypes about birthmothers, so too must we do away with them re: a-moms. Heck about adoptees too, for that matter But our energy is better put to changing the legal system that allows this, than blaming a-parents and adoption as a whole. Debi

[birthmom i am]

I seen my daughter five times and the two days i spent with her in the hospital. i also have three full siblings and when i was pregnant with my baby after the adoption they said i can see my girl when they think she is ready the last time i saw her she was 3 she is almost 5