[thesearcher]

Age seven was about the time I stopped getting pictures and letters sent to me. Mom, sent me something every three months or so the first year. A couple times a year for the next few years after that and than once a year and than nothing. I took me a long time to get up the balls and call the agency and say " what up with this". From that point on, it's been on me to ask the agency to call them and ask them to send me somethings. Mollie

[J.A.H.]

Hi, I am an Amom. I have a semi-open adoption. I send pictures and letters when I can. During the first year I sent pictures monthly. Now I send pictures every couple of months. My Bfamily never contacts me and I am a little hurt by that. I want to know that they still care about "our" son.

One of the problems I've had with sending pictures is that my adoption agency seems to switch case workers several times a year. Half the time when I am ready to send a letter and pictures, I don't know who to send it to. They never send me any kind of notice like, "Hi, my name is So&So and I am the new person over post adoption." I'm sure they don't tell the Bfamily anything either. It is frustrating.

I suggest you do stay in contact with the Afamily and let them know you still want pictures etc. We've never in 2 years heard from the Bfamily. Sometimes I wonder if I should continue sending pictures. Do they even care? Why do they never write back? I could see where it would be too easy to just quit sending pictures.

J.

[Resseda]

My son's adoptive family cut off contact (which was sparse to begin with) at about 4 months. Pictures that were promised, through the hospital social worker, never came either.

Ress

[thesearcher]

As a birthmother I'd like to say that, it can be very hard knowing what to say too your child's mother and father. How do you say you love your child, to the people who are raising them, without it sounding like you wish you were raising the child yourself. I as a birthparent have had a very hard time writing letters to my daughter parents. I, in no way, have wanted to make them feel as though I care to much. In fear them may think I will take her back. I don't want them to fear me. And also it hurts to care about a life you will never know or have contact with. They don't know me or my heart for them. So when writing, what do you say? How's your daughter, how's our daughter or how's the baby? Any of these are painful for me to write let alone see on paper. The baby is now 18. I have written many times over the years. It has been a hard thing for me to do. Each letter has taken me a few weeks to write.
I can't say why your sons birthfamily has not contacted you. But please what ever you do don't stop sending those pictures. They may be the only thing holding a hurting heart together. It may be painful to look at your little son growing through the years, through the eyes of the birthfamily, however you have to remeber it is all they will ever have. Your faithfulness is all they will ever know of you, your family and your son. It is never forgotten or disregarded. Just sad from the our side of the fence for a time. Mollie

[chickenrunshrek]

Just stumbled across this subject tonight. Good topic. I'm an adoptive father of a 3.5 year old princess who lives in one of the few states with "legally binding" open adoption agreements. However, any agreement is only as good as the lawyer who writes it. We had a great lawyer so our agreement is great for us! We have a situation where birthmom seems to have cut off contact. She moved and didn't tell us (or anyone else) were to send mail. 15 minutes before our last scheduled visit she called and cancelled. That was 4 months ago and we haven't heard from her since. (By our agreement there can be up to 6 visits per year.) So here's my question: How many birthparents have cut off contact? I wanted stable relationships for our daughter with her birthparents and I'm disappointed that it isn't happening.

[dl]

I personally Thank You for your post. There are so many posts slamming aparents for not keeping their end of open/semi open agreements. Sad to say but unfortunately true, their are many bioParents that do not keep up their end of the commitment.

[trout]

For some birthparents they need to take sometime for themselves to adjust to their new life. Maybe you don't realize the amount of depression that goes with placing your child. Plus you must realize that while a-parents have lots to talk about because they have the child the b-parent has fears. Can you say I really hurt. Then the a-parent might feel threatened. I have always felt when I did have contact that I was walking a fine line. I couldn't seem like I cared too much or too little. There are so many internal strugles when she is ready she will contact you again. But really after all she has given up is time to heal as much as she can too much to ask?
Trout

[silver2983]

my daughter's afamily recently cut off contact with me. she will be 5 in april. i am still trying to find out what happened. they just haven't sent anything, not even something saying they aren't talking to me.

[JessTK]

So here's my question: How many birthparents have cut off contact?

Both of my son's bmoms have cut off contact. My older son's bmom (who was adopted as an older child) visited a couple times in the 1st 2 years, but haven't heard from her in 3 years now, and with my youngest all the stuff I've sent her was returned as she left no forwarding address. I have always lived up to 'my end of the deal', even surpassing what was 'required', and I wanted my youngest especially to be able to stay in some contact (he has a bsister), but niether of them have come around. It hurts me, and one day it will probably hurt my boys that both their bmoms had the chance to stay in contact, but both chose not to

[jacki trout]

I think of my self as a mom even though I never raised my sons. Maybe that is wrong in some peoples eyes. When I first lost custody of my children my best friend stood by my day after day and she cried with me. I knew we were close but I hadnt realized how close until the last day I saw my oldest son. I left the office crying like there was no tomorrow and I remember telling her that "Now someone else would be his mommy, and he would grow up calling them mom. Not me never to be me." And she stopped right there in the street and she told me that I was his mom and I always would be. And then she handed me this piece of newspaper wrapped in plastic. She told me that she had found it. The very same day that everything started and the reason she didnt want to give it to me was that she knew it would hurt and always remind me of that day. A few years later I took it out of my purse and I read it. I have carried it with me since and I want to share it with you I am sure that some of you have seen it before It is dated October 18, 1986.
Legancy of an Adopted Child
Once there were two women who never knew each other. One you do not remember, the other you call mother. Two different lives, shaped to make yours one. One became your guiding star, the other became your sun. The first gave you life, and the second taught you to live in it.The first gave you a need for love, and the second was there to give it. One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name. One gave you the seed of talent, the other gave you an aim. One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears. One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears. One gave you up- it was all that she could do. The other prayed for a child. And God led her straight to you. And now you ask me through your tears, The age old questions through the years: Heredity or enviroment- Which are you the product of? Neither, my darling- neither. Just two different kinds of
love. Author Unknown
Over the years I have read this so many times and It has actually calmed me. I gave my sons life and someone else helped them become who they are today.
I also was promised contact and never recieved anything. In a way I dont hold it against the aparents. They probabley were as scared as I was at that time. jacki

[chickenrunshrek]

Well jacki, if that writing makes you feel better, o.k. I'm of the opinion that far too much sophomoric and sappy "poetry" gets written about adoption. The problem with poets is that too many people seem to think that they are one. But I'm a guy so maybe I just don't get it. I'm much more direct and to the point, I guess.

[Iluvmykidz]

I personally LOVE that poem and even printed up a copy on blue cardstock, put my son's infant foot prints on it and gave it to the amother as a gift. That poem is wonderful and has helped me through many nights of tears and internal struggles w/ guilt and depression. Just my 2 cents.

Anyhow--I am a bmother and yes the afamily cut off all contact when my son turned 5. The agency got the 6th year bday card returned to them and didnt' bother to call me. So i called and they had to track down the family b/c they moved w/ out any forwarding address...and told my social worker that they didn't want to contact me any longer. I was devastated. Why do they do this? It's hard enough losing your child 1 time and we do it willingly....knowing we'll get updates or pictures just reassuring us he's still alive and well and that we made that right choice. But when they do this to us, it shatters our lives all over again. How are we supposed to cope w/ being shut out???

For you aparents who WANT contact YOU are wonderful! Thank you so much for being willing to keep those lines open for the bmother's. For the bmom's who aren't keeping up w/ their contact like agreed....everyone deals w/ this pain differently. I can honestly say I couldn't have gone to visit my son w/ in the first 3 years. Everyone copes w/ the inner turmoil differently. Some shut out the aparents and pretend they never had a child--it makes it easier on them for now...but one day it will hit them. I chose to cope w/ it early on and you do go through that grieving process b/c you've lost a child. I remember sitting in my parents car after they drove me home from the hospital not wanting to get out of it. I was a mother coming home that day, but once I took a step out of that car and back into my real life....I was still just a 17 yr old teenager who had to go and graduate high school. It's a traumatic experience so please continue to love them and one day they'll come around.

(Yes, yes,...I wrote a book, sorry...just lots on my mind today.)