[charisa1994]

You see, 9 years ago I put my son up for adoption. When I got pregnant my family freaked out, and made me go live at Gladney. and told me if I didnt give him up, I would have NO ONE... And being 15 I believed that. So I did...and life went on as usual..........
(FOR THEM!!) I couldnt talk about it, I couldnt recieve pictures, and if I did I wasnt allowed to cry, because the would get taken from me. He was not my son, he was a mistake, as my father put it, My son, that sweet, inocent baby, was nothing more than a dog to them that they had to take to the SPCA, because the didnt want him... My parent refused to get me counceling..I have really never talked to anyone, except JAN... She was my house mom at Gladney.. My husband hes great, but I dont think he fully understands the tramatics of the situation. I look at my kids now, and every day I think about him, I look at pictures of my baby boy all grown up, and think about him, and what hes doing now. And most of all I look at my family, and think of him, and wonder, if they ever regret doing that to me. Because I dare not to ask, scared of hurting the same that Ive hurt for so long... Did anyone else go through this??? does anyone have any advice on what to do?

[Decision]

I hope that you are in councilling now. I am not sure what to offer as advice, perhaps if you can let your family members know how tramatic it is for you. There are allot of books one of my favorites is Birthmothers Trauma by Heather Carlini. That book tops all that I have read so far and really does give insight into a birthmothers trauma.
One thing that you and your family must understand is the hurt and the pain never goes away, it is not a death were you are able to greive, but losing a child to adoption in like a death. You will always feel that hurt and emptiness, but you can learn to live with it beside you instead of smothering you. I lost my son to adoption fifteen years ago, I was fourteen. I am now thirty and the pain is still there. I have however learned that its okay to feel that pain. Knowing that it is there helps allot. Do not feel shameful of it your hurt and anguish is a part of you. I never spoke of my sons adoption until after I had a nervous breakdown four years ago. I to was told that its better I move on and forget, I now know that its impossible to forget, dont let your subconcious take over. Always be aware of what you are feeling for your child. Hopefully you can speak to your family about how much this is bothering you. READ THE BOOK it will help you allot
Hugs
Melissa

[HAIR127]

HELLO CHARISA.....I CAN HEAR YOUR PAIN. THAT IS SO HORRIBLE WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU...NO ONE TO SUPPORT YOU WHEN YOU NEEDED THEM THE MOST. HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF WRITTING A JOURNAL TO YOUR SON. SOMEDAY YOU MAY DECIDE TO GIVE IT TO HIM OR NOT. WRITTING HELPS THE PAIN...TO GET IT OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF.I DIDNT GO THROUGH WHAT YOU DID. MY SITUATION WAS DIFFERENT. BUT....I WAS ALWAYS THE CHILD IN MY FAMILY THAT MADE EVERTHING OK. WHEN I GOT INTO THEROPY..MY THEROPIST SAID...JANET..ROCK THE BOAT!! I HAD NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE IN MY FAMILY. I ALWAYS DID THE FIXING OF PROBLEMS. NOW WAS MY TIME TO GET MY NEEDS MET..INSTEAD OF HELPING EVERYONE GET THEIR NEEDS MET. I HAD NEEDS TOO!!!!!! MY FAMILY WAS ...DONT TALK ABOUT IT....... DONT FEEL FEELINGS.......AND BELIEVE WHAT I TELL YOU...NOT WHAT YOU SEE. FINALLY WITH ENOUGH COUNCILING I CONFRONTED EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY. WOW DID THAT OPEN UP A WHOLE NEW WORLD!!!! NOW I GET MY NEEDS MET. I AM A LOT MORE OPEN WITH MY FAMILY AND IF ANY OF THEM EMOTIONALLY ABUSES ME IN ANY WAY...IM OUTA THERE. ROCKING THE BOAT MAY MAKE YOUR PARENTS DEAL WITH THEIR PAIN SURROUNDING THIS. AND THAT IS GOOD...NOT BAD! IT SOUNDS LIKE THAT PAIN HAS BEEN KEPT DOWN FOR YEARS ..WITH ALL OF YOU. I SAY...ROCK THE BOAT! {{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}} JANET

[LegallyKim]

Charisa,

You just described my situation almost exactly. I often wondered why my parents never sought counseling for me. For my parents and my grandparents and my older brother, their plan was to "forget it and go on". They all expected me to do the same. I don't fault them for that - there is no way they could know what being a birthparent is like, and that it was impossible for me to "forget it and go on". Its been nearly 16 years since my son was placed for adoption - I have a hard time saying I placed him because the decision was not mine. His adoptive mom contacted me a few months ago and all those old feelings came rushing, and I do mean RUSHING back at me. My dad has since passed on, but I sat down with my Mom and talked to her about it. I understand that she and my Dad were doing what they thought was best for me and she now understands that they did not do what was best for me. She also understands that I forgive her and my father and I include her in my reunion developments as they happen. Maybe you could sit down with your parents and explain to them how you feel and how you have always felt. I felt SO MUCH better after having that talk with my Mom.

I have also learned through my experiences that people should not give advice about something they have not been through, and we should also take such well-meant advice with a grain of salt (and a shot of vodka if necessary). Those who have not walked in a birthmother's shoes have no clue - and therefore no basis to be giving advice.

Kim