[fancynancy]

I gave my daughter up through an open adoption 6 years ago. I was still in high school. I was told that a baby wasn't welcome in my familys home, therefor I was homeless and the babys father wanted very little part in his daughters life. I felt like adoption was the only chance my daughter had for a happy, stable life. Well, two years after the adoption, I was finally getting my life together and felling better about my desicion. Then I got news that my daughters mother had passed away. I know that I made the right desicion, I did all I could have done for my daughter but the sadness is not going away. And Lately, for the past few months or so, I have been felling SO ANGRY! I am angry at every one that had anything to do with taking away my options. For not caring enough about me, there daughter or grandaughter to provide a home for me or a familly for my daughter. I was only 17, I was still in high school......for goodness sake.....what was I supposed to do?? How do I get past all of this anger?

[Sharon]

"I am angry at every one that had anything to do with taking away my options." ~ Nancy

I understand exactly what you mean. I too placed my first child when I was sixteen. I too was no longer living with my parents by that time. Although ultimately, relinquishing a child is a "choice", one that we have to come to terms with and take responsibility for, it seems that for many of us, there weren't any real options... and there should've been.
I hear the words "choice" and "options" bandied about very frequently on this forum, and really... placing a child is a choice, but it's a dreadful, devastating choice.
If you're driving down the road and all the sudden a pedestrian darts into the path of your car, you have a choice: you can either run him down or swerve your car off a cliff. Nobody can say you didn't have a choice.
I feel the same way about the choice to relinquish your child forever, or to raise it in possibly substandard conditions. Of course it's a choice, of course you have two different options to choose from... but it's not a choice I would wish on anyone. It's not a choice that anyone can live with and ever expect to be the same.
Nancy, your anger is justified. There is no excuse for our society allowing teenagers to be placed in this position.
~ Sharon

[onepurpletwin]

Maybe you can try counseling?? It might help you vent and relieve some of the anger and sorrow you are feeling. I would be feeling the same way in your shoes. You were young you ended up pregnant at 17. You did the best you could for your baby. There is NO way that you could have known her mother would die. There is also NO way the family that wouldn't support you and your baby could have known her mother would die. You need not be angry at your family or yourself, you made the right choice putting your baby into a stable home that could take care of all her needs. Maybe she will be more compassionate, patient and understanding as a result of losing her mother. Her Dad may be the best guy out there, surely their bond will be strong and last forever. You don't need to worry...sit down and pray..pray for strength, forgiveness of yourself and your family, for your child. Just know that you did what was best for your child. Hope everything works out for you, Lisa Case.

[fancynancy]

Thank you for your feedback. It is very comforting to me to think that my feelings are justified, but at the same time I do need to learn to forgive. My Daughter and her adoptive father are very close. I see that she has given him so much strength. I think that she has been such a bleesing for him. And I would never try to get her back. Can you imagine the emotional trauma that would cause for a child?? I know that I made the right choice and one day I know I will be able to not feel so angry. Thank you so much for your kind words and support.

-Nancy

[kimmy30]

That I think is one thing many people don't understand. Birthmoms will always carry are hopes and dreams for our children.
How terrible she lost her mother. It does sound, however that you made a good choice for those to love her.
But a birthmothers choice even in the best of circumstances is a painful one.


I am so sorry you did not have support from your family. For me, even though they wanted me to keep my child, and they didn't agree with my placing her with another family. They will still fairly supportive.

It is so hard to let go of the circumstances that lead to ur decisions. I still go through phases as I mature and gain more control my life. I always have the "what if". But I know it is natural feelings. And i have always been confident in my choice and her family.

Not much advice, but I pray you find strength to deal with your feelings.

[Carol Bird]

We all know the pain and anger you are feeling. Most birthmothers have experienced similar anger.

My separation from my daughter spanned 32 years before we finally reunited. Even upon reunion, the anger fired up again ... and again. I finally went into therapy AND started a Forum for Closed Adoptions and a Birthmom Chat on the adopting.org website.

Between the therapy and the contact with other birthmothers on the Forum and Chat, I finally managed to put the anger behind me.

AFTER ALL ... the anger did nothing to change anything. It was time wasted and it did me more harm than those at which it was directed. The adoption was done --- she had a good family for 32 years before she brought me back into her life.

Dumping anger isn't easy for anybody. We have to really work at it. When our mind is clear and we begin to understand that all that baggage we lug through the years of separation has done NOTHING but hold us back.
There is so much more I could have done with my life if I could have discarded my baggage earlier in my life!

Yes, they were cruel and unthinking when they forced or persuaded us to relinquish our baby. My mother never really understood how much damage that experience did to me -- NO ONE, except those who have been THERE, know about that damage. They simply thought they were doing "what was best" for us.

By allowing anger to build inside of ourselves, we are contnually beating ourselves up; we damage our own psyche; we remain static instead of going forward to make something of ourselves that will make our relinquished son or daughter proud to claim us as birthparent.

Anger is a poison to the spirit. It only hurts our selves.

You will see your child when s/he is an adult; we can do little else, unless it is an Open Adoption. We cannot break in on our child's life (if it is a healthy life), so we MUST go on.

One day you'll know one another, Nancy. Pray for your child's continued safety and happiness until that wonderful day arrives.

God bless you.....
Hugs, Carol Bird

[trout]

I was really unsure why I was so offended by onepurpletwins response to FancyNancy. But then I walked away from the computer just to see what hurt me about it. The first thing was FancyNancy never said how she became to be a teen who was pg. But then onepurpletwin ASSUMED she was careless. I was raped and found myself pregnant. The careless thing I did was go to a party. I didn't drink or do anything to impair my judgement but I found my stuck. The second and more important thing that hurt me was that FancyNancy shouldn't expect unconditional love from her parents. To me every child deserves the right to make mistakes and still be loved by her parents. Every teen makes mistakes it is all part of the learning process. You know our court system for children says teen are redeemable. Yet, in so many cases teen birthmothers are labled unredeemable. It is so much easier for people to think that we are heartless,careless people.
There are so many of us who walk a fine line between being a total wreck and living a total lie. Many people will not understand what it is like to go through life telling lies. Do you even realize how many times you are asked Do you have children? or How many do you have? Birthmom's have to lie because of the judgement of pople like onepurpletwin. You have children....
Is there really a time when no matter what they did you would not love them?
Trout
P.S. Sorry to rant but this one hurt me alot

[Sharon]

"Do you even realize how many times you are asked Do you have children? or How many do you have? ~ Trout

Trout...
God, yes. I can't count the number of times I've been asked, "How many children do you have?"
Every time this question arises, I have to grit my teeth and force out the word, "One", while my heart cries out "TWO!"
I feel like I'm killing my eldest son, throwing him away all over again, every time I'm forced to publicly deny him.
I didn't much care for the advice in the post you are referring to either. I believe it was well-intentioned, but shows a basic lack of understanding.
~ Shar

[ladybuglady]

Hi,
This is in response to the question "How many children do you have?" You know its too bad that people think they are asking a totally innocent question but it can really cause pain to a lot of women, whether they are a birth mother, infertile, or have even had a miscarriage. Instead of gritting your teeth and feeling like you are denying your other child, maybe you could answer the question by not answering the questions, maybe saying something like "I have a 9 year old son named Sam and he is such great little boy!" or "I am the parent to a beautiful red headed girl!"or something like that, this way, you aren't denying that you have another child out there somewhere but it gives you a chance to brag on your little one! Just a suggestion, I hope you don't feel like I am intruding, I am glad you brought up this up because now I can be more sensitive when I am talking to others. Thanks for your input!

LBL

[trout]

Unfortunately, that only works if you have been able to have another child. I guess I could say Well let's see I Have a 18 year old son...who I placed and have had to miscarriages. But some how I think that would make thing very uncomfortable for all concerned. There was a study somewhere that said 45% of women who placed had some kind of secondary form of infertility.
It is a question that many people are quilty of asking because it can give a common topic to continue a conversation. Think about the basic questions we all ask...What do you do?....Can be painful for someone who just lost there job. Nobody means to hurt peoples feelings. I am sure onepurpletwin didn't mean to hurt my feelings. She was being suportive in her own way. But I did want to show how some of the wording came accross to me.
Sometimes the words we chose... we chose for a reason....we didn't even know we why until someone points it out to us.
I am so happy that she had a great adoption. That is the way it should be. But please don't take away some else hurt feels of being a child who feels no love and suport from her family. That is just too sad for words.
Trout

[onepurpletwin]

Listen...I was not assuming she was careless, she was. I am a mother of two boys;one from an unsuccessful marriage and one fom a relationship after the marriage. I WAS CARELESS to become pregnant on "accident". It was no accident, it was carelessness and poor planning on my part. Being raped and becoming pregnant IS different, now don't take this the wrong way...You did not ask to be raped...it is not your fault, but don't you think if you weren't partying, you would not have put yourself in that situation to become raped and pregnant?? I was raped when I was only 14 years old. It was not my fault, but my friend and I hitched a ride from a guy who seemed nice, he even had an infant car seat in his car. Anyway, she was dropped off at home first, I was never dropped off at home...I was raped. I know what it is like too. I am not judging anyone, I have been there and done that and now I am a single Mother of two boys with no financial support from thier fathers. I also am adopted and I didn't get along with my parents growing up, but I do get along now. I know that my bmother did what was best for my twin sis and I by giving us away, that is why I wrote what I did. Cool it with the defensive attitude...I AM NOT judgemental, I am experienced. God Bless, onepurpletwin.

[trout]

If you read mine I said and Now I will repeat it again for you I took nothing that would impair my judgement. Which means I was sober. However I don't think anyone can live thier life without social interaction. I am a human being. That isn't careless.
I am sorry if I went to get my coat by myself. I thought I am a big girl and can get it myself. How was I suposed to know there was a guy in there to do that to me. Like I said....How do you know you weren't talking to me when you said she was careless.
Then you say Oh...well being raped is not your fault but then you imply that it is my fault because I was there. You can't have it both ways.Trout

[nicolebrooks]

Well I've been this that and the other however I have never been a parent so if and when that day comes I may just change my mind

For starters I don't think ANYONE should feel guilty for having an abortion, giving a child up for a adoption or being unable to have natural children let alone changing their mind 1, 2 or 16 years from now regarding how they feel is a good way to live.

I didn't meet my BF until a couple months ago (I'm now 28). I'll spare the details of all the emotional drama that has been surfacing since we met in order to get to my point.

I don't think having my Pop as an active part of my upbringing would have made my life much easier. I can only imagine the visitation right weekends with each of my three dad's leaving one weekend for what . . . chores ugh?! I suspect I would have run to Pop when the going got tough at home, I'm already a brat. Point being is already hard dealing with the folks you have and waiting until you turn 13 then 16 then 18 then on and on.

I do however think I would have benifited emensely in knowing my Pop actually cared (loved) me along and it was there decision to wait until I was older and felt it important to meet him. Discovering your dad is actually your first step dad when you are calling your 2nd step dad daddy is confusing. Quite frankly I came to the conclusion that I am the only one I know, everyone else could leave or be a lie at any given time - and that's o.k. - it's life. No one ever said life was easy . . . right?

My poor boyfriend get's to deal with all my trust and defensive issues - at least he loves a good arguement.


Soooooo bottom line of my opinion:
Do let your children be raised by the parents you left them with and the knowledge that you love them and will be there for them when the time is right. HA - I type this as if it were that easy -

Oh one more thing- the greatest sadness I have is the thought that my Pop was so depressed about not being a part of my life and he may have taken it out on my sibs, himself or his wife.

[Jackiejdajda]

> I am angry at every one that had anything to do with taking away my options. For not caring enough about me, there daughter or grandaughter to provide a home for me or a familly for my daughter.

Your anger is real.. And your anger is valid..

It is horrible what happened to you.. and it is horrible that your daughter lost her amom.

Its funny I was just writing about forgiveness and how my daughter could not understand why I forgave my mom who also did not give me a chance to keep my baby..
Who also (along with my dad) told me that if I kept the baby I could not keep it with them..

I believe there are stages of this.. grief.

I also believe that you will go on to the next stage when you are ready.. I say voice your anger.. Shout it from the rooftops..

Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

>Thank you for your feedback. It is very comforting to me to think that my feelings are justified, but at the same time I do need to learn to forgive.

My forgiveness came with the understanding that we are all human.. That we all have our ways with coping in this life.
My mom and dad had their ways.. And their ways are no longer my ways..

I introduced my bson to my dad a few years back.. He met him and they talked.. And when my bson drifted from me I spoke about my sadness with my dad and dad said.. "Let it run its course."
There was no talk about the emotions I was going through.. No understanding or validations.

Emotions were not allowed in my family.. And if emotions are not allowed how can anyone understand the emotions of another?

You don't know what you don't know..

So I learned about feeling emotions but my parents did not..

When I accepted that sucker I was into forgiveness..

Jackie