[jenlp]

I placed my daughter for adoption when I was 24. Nine months later I met my husband. He has a daughter from a previous relationship (not a marriage). So, now I'm a step-mom with the regret of knowing now what I wish I had known then. Had I known I would meet my husband so soon after, I might have been able to see how I could have raised my daugher myself. So I have that to live with.

My bigger problem is my husband. He has terrible issues about the relationship between my step-daughter and I, which he thinks is bad and he blames it all on my being a birth-mom. I think my step-daughter and I do fine (as do my family and his), except for when he interferes, which he will admit sometimes. However, due to my step-daughter's mother being married to a military man, we don't see her as often as we'd like. When we do see her, my thought is we should act like a family and not treat her any differently than we would any other child we might have in the future. He agrees in theory, but in practice tries to spoil her and let her get away with murder. When I put my foot down he tells me to mind my own business and to satisfy my "need" some other way.

I feel as if he resents my choice. Has anyone else had this experience?

I dont know about resentment, but it certainly sounds like he is judging you. So many people judge birthmothers as bad people who "abandon" their children, instead of the selfless loving women they are. I would ask him the next time he makes a comment like that, "Perhaps we should discuss what it is about my choice to place that makes you so angry, that it would cause you to make such a hurtful comment to me." I would also tell him that your desire to be a real family and to treat his daughter like your own has nothing to do with your previous adoption plan, and "filling a need" and everything to do with your love for her and him. I would point out that you are a loving, giving, openhearted woman and that you would not be acting any differently if you were a birthmother or not. Explain to him how not only people who adopt, but people who choose to place, have the a better ability to see and accept "families" beyond the borders of bloodlines. I would also make it clear that you will not me judged or attacked for choices that you made that were clearly in the best interest of your child, at the time. Passive aggresive comments like that will simply not be tolerated. And if all else fails, seek family counseling with someone familiar with adoption issues. Im sorry, but your dh needs to be educated about what making an adoption plan is really all about.

I wish I had had a crystal ball and could see my wonderful fiance coming into my life just a year later after I placed. I would have never given him up. My fiance never judges me for my choice. He only regrets he "didnt come along sooner" and "rescue me". I think he sometimes has some misplaced guilt about that.

Good luck and keep following your instincts with your step-daughter. They are good ones.

Love, Beth

[jenlp]

Beth,

You've got a point with the judging thing. I think what I am not accomplishing here is showing him that neither of us did the wrong thing, we just had different solutions to the same problem.

Things were the worst when my Step-Daughter moved with her Mom and Step-Father. He's in the military and they moved REALLY far away. My husband felt like he had abandoned her, and that made my choice seem really bad. He had been very supportive of my choice up until then. He had gone with me once when I spoke to potential Adoptive Parents at the agency I used, and had gone to some Birth-mother support group meetings with me too.

This whole turn-around is what has me so confused.

Thanks for your help!

Jen

[kimmy30]

For me, my husband is just very uncomfortable speaking of adoption. He has always been kind and considerent. But he kind of gets very quiet. It is tough sometimes because i need to speak about it.

[jenlp]

I find everyone I know simply does not now what to say when I bring it up. It's isolating, but I understand their discomfort. Fortunately, I have two or three people who are willing to talk about it despite the fact they don't know what to say to help. I don't really need help so much as I need someone to listen, most times.

[Lindy]

My birthmother married three and 1/2 months after I was born. When I read that in my non-identifying information, I thought, "gee, a little...busy, aren't we?"

When I met my birthmother, she said she'd gotten married to "get out fo the house." She didn't love the man (said she "learned to love him" over time) but **** if she wasn't pregnant again within a week or two of getting married.

She and her husband have been married for 37 years, they spoke with an attorney about reclaiming me right after they got married but were dismissed.

Ultimately, I am glad they didn't reclaim me because I probably would've wound up a knocked up, selfish teenager just like she was...something she never grew out of. She said she lost control of her life when I was "taken away" from her 37 years ago. Now she's very controlling of everyone and everything around her, **** to hell anyone who dare defy her "all about me, you don't understand/care/whatever all about me..." attitude.

I am not wounded by adoption. Granted, I always wondered who I looked like, where I came from, why I didn't fit with my adoptive family, et al. Even though I was raised by a physically and verbally abusive Adoptive mother (dad died when I was two), I was surrounded by better people, morals, ideals, and educational background than I would have gotten from a woman who demanded all attention for herself rather than giving it to her children or those around her.

I am safe and secure in who I am, I am proud of the fact that my 20 month old daughter is the first true birth, blood relative I ever laid eyes on, I am humbled by God's love and care for us and hope to raise my child in a selfless way.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Well here is my deal.... I have a six year old whom I had before placing my birthdaughter, and I am fiercly anal about no one else being able to punish her. While he may be saying things like he said re:being a bmom, maybe that is the real issue, that he feels that you have no grounds to decide the boundaries. I have not been married, but was living with my ex for quite sometime, and there was no way that I was going to let him decide where the lines were drawn with my daughter. I fully did not agree with the way he felt parenting should be, and made it very clear that if he had a problem that he needed to take it to me and not her. Maybe that is where your hubby is coming from... maybe it isnt a birthmom thing at all but that it is just a mean thing to say to try and get you to stop(not that that excuses it).... I know that I would get pretty mean with my ex whenever he tried to stick his nose in where I didnt want it...
I did the spoiling thing, too, but most importantly I treat her as an equal not a six year old, and we talk about everything rather than 'punish'...that is hard for people to understand, and yes there were a couple bad years (testing, you know....)but now she is wonderfully behaved..... I think that the most important thing is to support your husbands way of raising his daughter.... then if you guys ever have children talk before hand and find a middle ground because of course the situation will be different...
I doesnt really sound like an adoption issue.....to me anyway...

[Veronica2]

Lindy

I am so sorry to read your attitude about your bmom. I too am a birth mom. I was brought up by a very selfish mom. Not her fault, it was the way she was trained up, by a indulgent widowed father.

The upshot of it all was that I was and am very self centered. Although I am now aware and working on it. I reunited with my son and it went very wrong. I haven't seen or heard from him in years.

I have two other children and neither of them are willing to talk to me today.

None of that changes my mothers heart. I love my children very much in spite of the fact that I made decisions that hurt them. If I could go back I would. However I can't and must suffer the pain of losing not one but three children. Their choice not mine.

My children's coldness of heart is a surprise to me. I must live with it and I will.

Try to find some compassion for your mother.

I hope you never make mistakes with your children.

[NCGirl20]

I personally have a three year old daughter whom I placed for adoption at birth.

Just last month, I became not only a wife to a man who had lost his first wife in an accident, but also became a mother to a one year old little girl.

I can't say that my husband judges me for placing... In fact, he has known me since right after I placed her. He is understanding and caring... respects my decision for placing her for the reasons I did so.

Personally, I think it's time you and your hubby sat down and had a REALLY good talk. Like someone else said... he needs to understand that you want to be a family... and if he keeps acting that way when she is around, he is showing you he doesn't want the three of you to be that.

My husband allows me the say in what happens to OUR daughter... However, I am also now a stay at home mommy full time. She is with me 70% of the time alone, so I have to have some level of control and ability to correct her when it's needed. It has also caused Em to bond much faster with me and be more comfortable around me in the long run.

I wish you the best of luck, and if you need to talk more, please feel free to PM me.