[denisemarie29]

I am angry because i didn't receive any pictures. My daughter is 11 and they refuse to send agency pictures. I think that a picture every now and then wouldn't hurt. They have my child and it's not like i want to take her away. I just think that i gave them a precious gift and that is the least they can do. I just want to see what my child looks like,is that so wrong? Does that make me a bad person? Any comments will be appreciated.

[tweetyfan]

You are not wrong, and you are definitely not a bad person. I totally agree with you, pictures are important. Have you ever gotten pictures of her, or is this something that has stopped recently? My daughter is nearly 10, and her aparents stopped sending pictures when she was about 3. It's killing me not to know what she looks like.

Is there any way you can contact them or have the agency contact them to request a picture? I would give it a try. After 7 years of no contact, I just wrote to my daughters aparents last week to request some pictures or some confirmation that she's ok. No word yet, but my fingers are crossed. It's worth a shot. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you too. Good luck.

[chatterbox]

My husband and I are in the process of adoption.
I get so sick of hearing other adoptive parents say "I don't want to share my adopted child with the birthparents" They tell my husband and I we're crazy because we want to have full contact. We would like to even have get-togethers with birthfamily IF they want it. We want them be able to watch their child grow and change. What is it with these INSECURE adoptive parents who are so stingy and selfish when a birthmom was NOT. What if the birthmom had that same attitude of "I DONT WANT TO SHARE THIS CHILD!" .....Then there wouldn't be any adoptive parents even out there!
I think if a birthmom chooses to give something as precious as her own flesh and blood to me to raise...the very least I can do is offer her to be a part of that. But that is just my opinion. My husband and I also believe a child should know from the time they're very young that they have two families. The birth family and us! This is a priviledge that many families deny a child. One of my dear friends is a child psychologist and does seminars on the many benefits of birth families working with adoptive families and building good relationship for the child. Everyone benefits from it this way. Also, birth family does not go through such agony of being torn apart from their child, because the child can still be a big part of their life.
The only exception to all of this is of course if I had a birthparent who was dangerous to the child; such as being skitzophrenic and not taking medication for it. It would have to be very serious for me to sever all ties, but STILL I would definitely communicate through the agency. EVERY birthparent has a RIGHT to know how their child is doing and progressing. It would rob a person of their sanity to not know these things.
Good luck to you moms in your quest to find what you're looking for. I will pray that God will soften their hearts and give the adoptive parents the strength to share with you. Even if it's just a picture and progress report.
Oh yeah, and in case you don't hear it (and I know it's a little early), Happy Mother's Day! {Every birthmom deserves to hear that every year.}
Chatter

[Sharon]

Denise Marie. The same thing happened to me many years ago. They stopped sending pictures without explanation. When I tried to send a letter to them via the adoption agency, I was told that they'd moved away and left no forwarding address. All I can say is, you're not alone. There are many, many other birthmothers in this same ungodly situation. I hope everything works out in your case; perhaps you can somehow guilt-trip them into behaving properly...but it's a long shot. Whatever happens, don't let the anger, confusion and bitterness eat you up inside. I spent years laying awake at night thinking destructive, pointless thoughts, such as, "What if they stopped sending photos because my son is dead?" or, "What if they're really child abusers posing as adoptive parents? If they wouldn't keep their word about sending an annual photograph, does that mean that everything else I thought I knew about them was a lie?" Needless to say, I made myself miserable. Only recently have I begun to try to channel this pain in more constructive ways, such as advocating adoption reform (thus far, open adoption agreements are only legally binding in five States; I think they need to be legally binding in every State) and making my story public in order to help other birthmothers in this situation understand that they are not alone. I hope that everything works out in your case. But if the adoptive parents of your child can't be made to see reason, don't blame yourself. You did everything you were supposed to do; this is in no way your fault. And while your anger is understandable and justified, try to find positive outlets for it. If enough of us tell our stories, maybe things will change and other birthmothers will not have to endure this same suffering. My heart goes out to you. Sincerely, Sharon............... P.S. Chatterbox, thank you for your wonderful post! You are a very special and compassionate person. I wish there were more out there who felt as you do. Thank you. _Shar

[stacyone]

I agree with chatterbox... as an amom it is my responsibility to keep that relationship open and available for my daughter, as long as it is safe for her. My husband and I have butted heads about this, but I believe that there can be no integrity without honesty. How could I possibly deny her contact with her own flesh and blood and call myself an honest person? Plus, eventually she would meet these people and then she'd find out that I'd kept them apart for years and that would be a horrible, horrible thing for her. How could she ever trust us again?

Recently M's bmom and bfather broke up and even though he's in some denial and doesn't want to see pictures, I continue to send a special packet just for him. At some point he'll want to see them, and even if he doesn't, I can go to sleep at night knowing I've done the right thing.

I don't understand how aparents can be threatened, either, but I guess each situation is unique. While my daughter's bmom is a good, honest person, that probably can't be said for all bmoms -- just like it can't be said for all aparents.

I'm so sorry about other bparents' experiences. I wish I could fix the world. Since you're not here and I can't give you a hug, I'll email an extra photo to bmom on your behalf, okay?


((((((hugs))))))

[lisa93]

stacyone you sound great!

and denise marie, i sort of know what you are feeling. I was supposed to get a letter in january and have still heard nothing. I immeadiately thought that my daughters aparents were not goingto write to me. I have since found out that it was social services fault (they receive and pass on the letters), my letter to my daughter was just chucked on a heap and forgotten about, as was their letter to me.

but your situation is different and i don't really know what to suggest, but hope that you get some pictures some day. My thoughts are with you x

[sspete]

denisemarie--I am so sorry you have been betrayed like this!! If I could change on thing about the adoption process it would be this. No one would be allowed to change the plan of adoption!! This needs to be a law!! How sad for the many bmoms that just long to see a picture of their bchild. You are not a bad person at all--I don't blame you for being hurt and angry!! This is wrong!! I don't know if afamilies just become really frightned or what--will never understand, but a childs right to know where they came from is at stake here. I know you will continue to persue all available means to get pictures of your bdaughter. My prayers are with you!! I wish you Luck!

[denisemarie29]

Thanks to everyone who replied. I haven't seen my child since she was 2 days old. She had a birthday last month and turned 11. I think that birthdays are the hardest. Mine was a closed adoption so i dealt with agency not parents. I just pray that i done the right thing.

[Andersen]

When we relinquish our child, does that really mean that we no longer want contact? Do we really understand the ramifications of what we do when we hand our child over to aparents? Do the aparents really understand us and what our needs might be in the future? Obviously, we want the aparents to totally love on our child and their concern should be with the child. However, there should be something that would make them want to tell their child they are adopted and give them as much info as the child is able to handle.
I had pictures of my son when he was born, one when he was 10 months old and then I did not receive one again until 2 weeks ago and he will be 18 this weekend. The excitement over a picture amazed me(after I stopped crying). All we really want is to know our child is OK. A picture is an added bonus and one we certainly deserve. I know there are some bparents who have gone back on the agreement and taken their child back-at least that is what the media would like us to believe. But I think the majority of bmoms are well adjusted and just want to have a picture. When we relinquish, does that mean we should lose all of our rights, even having an update and a recent picture? That seems wrong to me.
If I could, I would thank my son's aparents for the recent picture that I got. I look at it everyday and thank God.

[Mitzi]

that you have not received "one" picture of YOUR child. I do not understand why some adoptive parents do this. I had to beg for a picture for four years and out of the blue...received an itty bitty picture of my daughter. well needless to say I was greatful for what I got, but I feel the amom could have been a bit more willing to share a "bigger picture". I would call the agency EVERDAY and harass them until you get want you want. Sad that you have to be the one to do all the "harassing" but it paid off for me. I cherish my "itty bitty" picture!

Good Luck to you!

[Sharon]

Wendy, I'm so glad to hear that you received a picture of your son after all these years. I'd never heard of that happening before, the a-parents re-establishing contact after years and years. Perhaps your son insisted . Anyway, your story gives me hope for my own situation...the a-parents in my case also have not sent a photo since my son was a year old, and my son is now a teenager. Hopefully, they will eventually relent and see the error of their ways. I only hope that if that day ever comes, I can be as forgiving as you. Sincerely, Sharon

[LilPeggy]

Gosh, when I read the original post I had to read them all. I am a birthmother who was in an open adoption, my adoption was different than most due to the fact that I had know these people for many years.
There were three promises they made to me, raise her within the faith, let me know of any and all medical problems, and give me pictures of her as she grew. Actually I would have seen her but I was so ashamed of what I had done and what others were doing to me due to my decision that I left town with my tail between my legs.
I would call for pictures of her and was told they'd send them, but guess what, they never came. My father passed away and I came home for the funeral. I got 4 pictures of her and he brought her to see me. After that I got a few of the itty bitty pictures of her school pics, all in all I have 11 pics of my daughter. I am grateful even for the itty bitty pictures.
I always thought I'd done or said something wrong for them to treat me so badly. Than they had two biological children after the adoption and it made matters worse instead of better.
Now my daughter is grown and her siblings do not know she is adopted. Although I've tried to put closure to my story it's still very difficult, to make myself forget. I even tried to hide the pictures out from sight only to bring them back out again.
I did what I thought was best, I gave her two parents to love and care for her now it feels like I'm giving her up all over again but this time for different reasons.
One day I pray you recieve the knock on the door or the phone call that brings you and your child together again. Today start something with pictures in it for your child. Something they can have of their birthfamily. Maybe, just maybe they will do the same for you.
LilPeggy

[Mommy2amiracle]

Hi, Denise Marie:

This thread is old so I'm not sure if you are still waiting for your pictures. Farther down in the thread, you said that your child's adoption is closed. If that is the case, the aparents are under no obligation to provide anything and perhaps the agency has not even relayed to them your request?!? My son's adoption is closed per his birthparents. We are under obligation however from our attorney to provide up dates at 3, 6, 9 & 12 months of age and then after that only when we want. I'm going to try to do it yearly. I'm doing this for my son so when and if he looks or goes to the attorney's office, he can see that we made a good faith effort to keep his birthparents informed of his health and well being.

Good Luck!

Mommy2amiracle

[TreuLove]

I just opened a new thread to see if there is any way to make the aparents agreements with us legal, as of now I know of no law saying they are tied to their side of the bagain, just a verbal agreements which we all know can and are so often broken. Lets wait and see if anyone who knows how to do this posts a reply. I know that the beginning post is old but I hope that you all have hope we will get through this and find a way to be heard.

Lots of Love and hugs to you all!!!

T.Treu
Email:jdmtuner1@yahoo.com

[Mommy2amiracle]

TreuLove,

If you read denisemarie29's second post, you will see that the adoption is closed. Under those circumstances, the birthparents have broken no agreement.