[bnsheerose]

I am a birthmother who was blessed enough to find a wonderful loving family for my youngest daughter. I never doubted their love for her and I have never regretted choosing them as her new parents. In the beginning, I chose to include them in EVERYTHING. The doctor visits, the ultrasound, her birth, etc. They were scared that I would change my mind. I did everything possible to reassure them that I would not do that to them-I have heard so many horror stories of people doing it! I know that sometimes, I even put reassuring them ahead of my own needs and feelings. I respected them so much! Now, the problem is that we had all discussed what we were going to do-pictures, updates, etc. and now...well, they haven't really stuck true to their word. I have never pushed things on them. I know they do care about us-we have known them for awhile. They have admitted being scared that they would hear that I regretted chosing them, etc. What I am upset about is that I want to ask them how she is, but sometimes I feel I have no right to, but yet I do...etc.... We all live in the same town. Sometimes, I feel borderline betrayed, angry, sad and frustrated...my counselor suggested that I write them, but I am afraid that I will scare them away even further. It tears me up knowing the sacrifices that I made for them, and feeling like I deserve some respect in this! Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I may approach this? We were always on good terms (they were involved with my other kids)
I would much appreciate any input!

-Cat

[sspete]

That is so very sad to me that you treated them with much respect and dignity--always putting their feelings above your own, and they faltered on you. This is a huge sore spot with me. I do not understand how people virtually lie to get what they want. This goes on a lot on this board I am noticing. I would write them a letter, choose your words carefully, but be honest. Tell them exactly how you feel, and what you expect. See where this gets you. You can not be shy for fear of disrespect to them. This is what keeps a lot of people from speaking their mind, and thus getting what you desire for your child. I learned to speak up--when it comes to my children. There is NO time for walking on egg shells. This is your future too! You are in my prayers! I wish you luck!

spete

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Hi there, I am sorry for what you are going through!

I would write them a letter telling them that you certainly dont regret your choice of adoption, or choosing them as parents, but you need their help in helping you to heal by sending you the updates that they promised. Tell them that seeing her happy, and smiling, and being loved gives you peace of mind so that you dont have to wonder how she is. Make sure that you reasure them that you respect them as her parents, and want nothing more than the updates promised.. Try to make it about your needs to heal, and not insert any opinions into it.... Hang in there! <<hug>>
Christine

[radical]

Ditto what the previous posters told you. FAiling to get any positive response from them after that...I'd retain an attorney and seek court ordered contact if possible.

If they cut you out of her life now, they may deny it later...and try to make it appear as if you just didn't care enough about your daughter to stick around. Having court documents of your struggle to remain in her life will come in handy years down the road when they have to explain to their daughter why they didn't let her know her real mother.

[chickenrunshrek]

Don't bring legal action against them. Unless you had a post placement contact agreement written into the final adoption decree then you are probably have no legal standing. A decent probate lawyer can confirm that for you in a very quick consultation. Check with legal aid in your area if you can't afford one. Bringing legal action against them will certainly put them on the defensive and push them farther away. Write them a pleasant letter (or call them and meet somewhere) outlining the sort of contact that you desire. Chances are that they are so busy adjusting to their new family structure that they don't know how to handle the relationship with you. Sometimes adopting the child of someone that you know and care for is much harder than adopting a stranger's child. It sounds as though you all had a good relationship before and I'm sure that you can build on that and come to terms with this new reality. Good luck!

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I agree...not only will it put them on the defensive, but it will put you even more through the ringer.... Good Post!!

[Andersen]

You need to contact them but do it in such a way that you won't push them away. You are in such a sensitive situation. You do have rights and they should be sensitive to you, after all, you did give them the most precious gift.
Best of luck!

[bnsheerose]

Hi and thanks to all who offered their advice!! A few days after I wrote this, I ran into her amom...I felt a bit awkward, as well as she, but we talked a bit. She was being told by people to not let her see us, but she doesn't think that I would do some of the things that she has heard of other bmoms doing. She told me that she would send us pictures, and call sometime soon. The following week, I did receive pictures!! She is beautiful and happy, which helps very much!! I cannot express enough how important it is to some of us bmoms when the amoms keep their promises! Thank-you again for all of your advice!!

Sincerely, Cat W.

[sspete]

I am so happy for you that you received pictures!! I know that you are very pleased. It is great that you saw her, and she explained the circumstances. Sometime people do things out of fear. This is why open communitcation is so necessary for any type of relationship! Many blessing to you. You are in my prayers!

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I am SO very happy that things worked out for you!!

[kimmy30]

I am happy you got an update.

That is one thing that irks me, is the stigma about birthmothers. That has been the hardest fo me to deal with.