[swtluvr069]

Hi! I just placed my daughter 2 weeks ago.
I have 4 other kids ages 6 3 2 and 1..
My youngest kids don't understand anything my oldest however kind of does she has been living with her father for the school year and saw i was getting bigger but i was able to hide it from her for a while.
i don't know if i should tell her I had a baby but i don't know how to explain it to her. I thought of the truth i don't like to lie to my kids. But when i say i can't afford another baby i can't find a baby sitter to watch 5 kids will she think its her fault that if she wasn't here then i could keep the baby?? or should i semi tell the truth and say that i know some people that couldn't have any babies so i am letting them have her sister so they can have a baby too..or do i not say anything till she is older..but then is she going to get mad that i never told her sooner..me and my husband have been struggling this for a while and can't decide what to do can you please help us thanks

Cat
Bmom to Kaitlyn

[bromanchik]

Cat,
Please tell her the truth....in words that she can understand.

You can tell her that the baby needed things that you could not give her and that you found a family that could give her what you could not.

Do you have contact with the family? Is there anyway for your daughter to have contact with her sister?

Please feel free to contact me if you want to discuss this further.


--
Brenda Romanchik, Director
Insight: Open Adoption Resources and Support
721 Hawthorne
Royal Oak, MI 48067
248-543-0997
toll-free expectant parent/birthparent line 877-879-0669
http://www.openadoptioninsight.org

[swtluvr069]

The only contant I have with them is through mail and e-mail. so she can only see pics they live 13 hours away.. I am just so scared she will not beable to handle it lord knows i cant.

[vicrose]

You are going through so much right now, I really feel for you. Being that you are going through your own grieving process, right now might not be the best time to mention it to your daughter. Maybe in the near future, when you have had some counseling you could tell your daughter, because then you would be able to do it with a clear head. I am an adoptee myself, so I have always believed that honesty is the best policy. Take care of yourself. Sincerely, Brenda

[bromanchik]

Families grieve together all the time. I do not agree in keeping it from her because you are going through your own grieving process. She knows something is happening. She knows you are sad. PLEASE let her know why. Do not be afraid of her sharing her sadness with you. She most likely already feels sadness because you are sad. She may be blaming her self. Kids have active imaginations. She may think your sadness is caused by something SHE did. Kids that age often feel as if they have this power and that the world is controlled by them.

Share pictures. Let her write letters to her sister. I know it is difficult, but secrets are worse.

If you want to talk, please call the 877#. It's free.

[reneetaylor]

OK Cat- I know I'll probably get slammed for this, but WHY would you have another child if you knew that you couldn't support it? You already have a 3 yr old, a 2 yr old, and a 1 yr old... and now another baby? Is your birth control not working? I could understand that happening once, but to have four children in three years is a bit much. Wouldn't it be cheaper in the long run to have your tubes tied or for your husband to have a vasectomy? Most insurance companies cover that now.

I hope you don't take my post the wrong way. I'm not trying to criticize, but I am just honestly curious as to why someone would have child after child and not be able to support them.

As far as how to tell your daughter about her new little sister, I agree with the other posters who said to tell her the truth. She is old enough to understand that you are unable to provide for this recent baby. Just watch how you say it, because if you say that you are helping a family who was unable to have a baby, she might think that you are planning to relinquish her or her other siblings as well.

Again, I hope that I didn't offend you Cat.

Renee

[swtluvr069]

Renee,

Ok first of all my first child was a surprise at 16 and her father and I wanted another baby a couple years later. The relationship turned real bad and the day i left this man is the day i found out i was pregant with a 2nd child. A while later a started a relationship with a another man (who is now my husband) that I had met through my best friends. My 3rd child was planned but we wanted to wait a little while longer but oh well he came sooner my 4th child is proof it only takes 1 to get pregant (please don't ask me to explain). I was able to support all of my kids
then something really really bad happened something i wish that no family should have to go through then i lost everything i had to give custody of my two oldest children to their father i had to give my 2 youngest to someone else and i lost my job as well as my husband then found out i was pregant again and I do not want to bring a child into the crap life i now live. I want my child to have the best she can. Hopefully i will beable to get my 2 youngest back by the end of March. As for a tubal I am going to be getting one i don't have insurance so i have to come up with the money and in my state there is a paper you have to sign to get it then you have to wait 30 days before you can have it. Your post did offend my a liitle but don't worry i hear it all the time from my family i have very little support its 1 aunt and my husband that is it.

bromanchik

As i said to Renee i don't have my 2 oldest living with me i only get to see them on sat at 1 till sun at 5 so my time with them is important i take no time for my self and i only think about them so i never show them i am sad i never frown or cry i am just so happy to see them i have no time for sad feelings so my kids have no idea so she has no way or feeling guilty which is a very good thing.

Thanks all for your replies
Catherine

[reneetaylor]

Cat - I do truely feel for you! I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings by asking about your situation. I pray that you can find support and guidance from your family and friends, as it sounds as if you really need it. You are too young to be going through all of this and to have this kind of responsibility.

I have a daughter that is almost your daughter's age, so I understand about the questions and curiosity that she must have. Hopefully you will be able to find the words to explain to her why you have done what you have done, and hopefully she will understand.

Is the adoption finalized? Are you 100% sure that giving up Kaitlyn is the best thing to do? You know that people's situations change so quickly...are you sure that you won't regret it in the long run? Could you possibly place her with the person or people who are taking care of your youngest children, and then get them all back when you are on your feet? Can you get help from your church or through a temporary foster facility? It is a shame that your husband isn't standing by you and supporting you during this time. What about child support or alimony from him?

I'll pray for you... I have a strong faith and know that prayer works. I've seen many miracles in my own life and know that all things are possible with God. Hang in there! I wish I could do something to help.

Renee

[jdb003]

I am all for telling your daughter the truth. I gave up my second child almost three years ago. My situation is a bit different than yours, I only had one child to explain it to, but he really wanted a little brother or sister. It was very hard for him to understand he was only seven at the time. He went through many different emotions: he was mad at me because I gave his brother away, then he was mad at his adoptive parents because they took his brother away. We went back and forth with this for quite awhile but we were always able to talk about it. It hurt both of us very deeply but we went through it together and still are.

[swtluvr069]

Renee,
Sorry if i confused you my husband is being supportive he is one of the two that is its only him and my aunt..I don't see my life being changed around to soon..the adoption is not finalized but my time to change my mind is...and is anyone really ever 100% sure? i do have my doubts but i know this is the only way.

Thanks all
Catherine

[loveccl]

I knew at a very young age that my brother was given up for adoption. It was special to me I had a little brother and I dreamed of him all the time. My dreams came true about a year ago when we met. Tell her and let her know that he is special and give her hope that she will one day email him and they will be friends. I love my little brother and he is such a wonderful man. Its sort of a magical thing when your a child to dream about. Just a thought from a sister with love for her little brother.
Honesty is always the best!!!

Darcy

[swtluvr069]

Well i told my 6 year old yesterday i wanted to wait till i got my first pictures so she could have a face for this baby i was talking about it.. I told her i had alot of babies to take care of and needed help so i found some one who couldn't have babies and they were going to be her other mommy and daddy. she understands two parents because she has a step mother and a step father.
she took it really well i asked her if she had any questions and she didn't. She wanted to take a pic home with her so i let her and she was happy with that. I am going to have a therapist talk to her and see how she is really feeling because she won't tell me

Thanks for all of your replies

oh yeah the Pictures they were awesome i am sooo happy i got them my daughter is so beatiful she looks like my 2nd child

Catherine

[A_mothers_love]

It must be difficult for you to be parenting and then to have to make this type of decision. My heart goes out to you. As hard as it may sound tell your children the truth, If you feel that you daughter will feel guilty this is my suggestion;
Tell your oldest daughter that you gave your child up for adoption because you needed to concentrate on them, that though your baby is important to you, you know that he/she will be well cared for and your main concern at this time was to see to the daily needs of your other children, I dont believe saying that you couldnt afford to keep your baby would go over well for a young adult (teen) your other children, tell them in age appropriate words the same thing, that even though you love your new baby you have a responsibility to see that your other children do not suffer.
Dont use financial reasons until they understand finances.
Hugs
Melissa

[bnsheerose]

Hi Cat!

You're story caught my eye! My name is also Cat (Catherine) and I was in a similar situation. I have two older children who I do have custody of. I placed my youngest (3rd) with an adoptive family. As I grew bigger, I knew that my children would ask why.
I decided to be honest with them when they asked and put it in terms that I thought they could handle. They were 4 and 5 at the time. I explained to them that the reason mommy had was getting "a fat tummy" was because there was a baby in my tummy, but it was not OUR baby. It was a baby for a family who couldn't have a baby. I also reminded them how much I loved them and that I wanted to share that joy with someone who wasn't as blessed as I was. I was very pleasantly surprised that they understood and they ended up being okay with extra reassurance that they weren't in any threat of me "giving them away too". That is a real fear for siblings. They don't always say it, but it's there. We have been very open about her and when she is mentioned, we talk. I don't go overboard, but I let them talk to me about how they feel. It has made a very difficult decision in my life a bit easier to carry. I chose adoption because I love them all!! No matter how rough it gets, keep your eyes up!! Hang in there and God Bless!!

-Cat W.