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Originally Posted By Amy

Brenda, I got pregnant on March 16, 1998 as the result of a rape. I agonized for months about what to do with the baby growing inside of me. I was initially disgusted that I was carrying "his" baby and wanted to get rid of it. I scheduled an abortion and went to an abortion clinic. When I got there I panicked and left. I knew that what I was thinking was VERY irrational and wrong. My family and friends were not supportive of the whole pregnancy. I finally came to the decision that I should place my baby with an adoptive family. I found a wonderful couple who are great about keeping in contact with me. No matter what I seem to always be sad now that he is gone. I know I did the right thing but I never realized how much I loved him until the day I held him in my arms. No one seems to understand why I am sad, they think I should be happy now that it is "finally over"! For me it will never be over! How can I help change their attitudes to stop hurting me? He will always be a part of me. They tell me I should be thrilled to be childless! HELP!

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Originally Posted By Brenda Romanchik

Dear Amy, Your dilemma, unfortunately, in not an uncommon one. It has really been only the last decade or so that professionals have acknowleged that there is grief and loss associated with placing a child for adoption. In the fifties, sixties and seventies birthmothers were routinely told that they should just forget it ever happened. While most professionals in the field now agree that placing a child for adoption involves intense feelings of loss and grief, most people in the general public have not come to that same understanding.

One of the things that I have learned over the years is that there are some people who can learn to understand our loss and others who will just never "get it." The trick is in figuring out who those people are. One of the ways you can help others understand is by understanding it better yourself. I wrote an article on the grieving process that can be accessed through this site at http://www.adopting.org/birthmother_grief.html. There are also some good books out there including "Saying Good-bye to Baby" by Patricia Roles and "How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies" by Theresa Rando. Despite the latter book's unfortunate title. It deals with losses of all kinds.

I would also suggest you find a support group, either on-line or in your area. There is an incredible strength that can come from just knowing thet there is someone out there who understands and has been through it too. There are a couple of good lists. To subscribe to the open adoption birthmom list send the following command in email to <openbmoms-request@Majordomo.net>:

subscribe

To get subscription information to the open-adoption list (triad members invited) send a "QUERY OPEN-ADOPTION" command to LISTSERV@HOME.EASE.LSOFT.COM.

Both lists will give you a lot of support and will also help you when you want feedback.

Try to remember that you have a right to be sad. Grieving can take years and your seperation from your son is still so fresh. If you have any other questions ar just need to "talk" you can e-mail me privately at brenr@r2press.com

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Originally Posted By Amira

My baby was born 2 weeks ago and just a few days ago she went home with her adoptive parents. I wasn't raped but I feel as though I was because it only happened twice with a "boyfriend" I barely knew, and I didn't think we were going "all the way" -- but I know now he did. After I found out I was pregnant, I knew that he was the wrong father and I didn't want him in my life anymore. I went through with the pregnancy because I also felt abortion would be wrong, and I decided on adoption. Sometimes I wish I hadn't come to the adoption decision so early on because of the way I felt when I first saw and held my baby. I know that I made the best decision by my heart is very heavy with sadness. I know exactly how you feel because I never expected to feel the instant, unconditional love that I did for my baby. I just tell myself that just because it hurts, doesn't make the decision wrong. People tell me I'm strong but I've never felt weaker.

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Originally Posted By Amy

I too placed a baby for adoption. I know the heartbreak that you feel. My "baby" is now ten years old. I wish I could tell you that in time you'll only feel the warmth of knowing you made the right choose. Yes the heartbreak in time will ease to a dull ache but it will always be there. There will be fresh bouts of pain especialy when you have other children. In my family the adoption is not talked about and my family too, told me to forget. When I had my second child and my family saw the heartache,pain and tears they finealy understood that I will never get over it. It's like mouring the lose of someone who is still alive. My advice to you is to keep a diary. When times get tough and you think you'r never going to make it through go back to the first entry and read it all the way through. You'll see that yes it did get better and you will get through this too. Good luck to you. May God heal your heart like nothing else will.
Amy G.

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I too placed a baby for adoption. I know the heartbreak that you feel. My "baby" is now ten years old. I wish I could tell you that in time you'll only feel the warmth of knowing you made the right choose. Yes the heartbreak in time will ease to a dull ache but it will always be there. There will be fresh bouts of pain especialy when you have other children. In my family the adoption is not talked about and my family too, told me to forget. When I had my second child and my family saw the heartache,pain and tears they finealy understood that I will never get over it. It's like mouring the lose of someone who is still alive. My advice to you is to keep a diary. When times get tough and you think you'r never going to make it through go back to the first entry and read it all the way through. You'll see that yes it did get better and you will get through this too. Good luck to you. May God heal your heart like nothing else will.
Amy G.

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Originally Posted By PAULINA

I ALL SO GAVE MY BABY GIRL UP FOR ADOPTION I REALLY DIDINT WHANT TO BUT I HADE NO CHOICE AND NO WHERE TO GO TO HER DAD WAS YOU NO ONE OF THOSE DEAD BEAT DADS HE WAS NO HELP TO ME I HELD HER IN MY ARMS FOR 4 DAYS I LOVE HER SO MUCH I STILL DO VERY MUCH SHE JUST TURN 7 A FEW WEEKS AGO I SEE HER SOME TIMES I CALL HER . I HAVE AN OTHERE BABY GIRL NOW SHES 2 MY FREINDS ASK ME IF THE NEW BABY TOOK HER PLACE IN MY HART NO I LOVE MY NEW BABY GIRL WHIT ALL MY HART I THANK GOD 4 HER MY OLDER GIRL I NO SHES VERY MUCH LOVED AND WELL TAKEING CARE OF BUT IF I COULD GO BACK IN TIME I WOULD OF KEPT MY BABY THERE IS NOT A DAY THAT GO'S BUY OF ME THINKING WHAT IS SHE DOING RIGHT NOW WHAT DID SHE EAT TODAY WHATS HER HOBBY'S WHERE IS SHE GONNA GO TODAY YOU NO JUST A LOT OF THINGS RUN AROUND IN MY HEAD LIKE THAT. GOD BLESS AND TAKE CARE OF YOU'ER SELF'S

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