[watershed32]

My name is Rebecca and I am 32 years old. I am pregnant, due 4/24 and I am considering adoption. This is the hardest decision that I have ever faced and I am so torn up I feel like I just want to die! I am not really in the financial position to care for this child and I am not 100% sure that I want to be a parent or if I can handle that much responsibility. I have considered going in the military after I have my child, but I would either have to give him/her up or get married. I can't even look at a baby on TV without breaking down and crying. I feel like the life is being ripped from me because I just don't know what to do. The thing that makes this the hardest for me is that my pregnancy wasn't an accident. My partner and I went through artificial insemination/fertility treatment. I got pregnant on the first/only insemination and a month later, we broke up (not my choice). My ex has made it very clear that they want no contact with me or the child, so why wouldn't I be afraid? I don't have any family support when it comes to adoption, because my family is too screwed up to understand that children are little beings with so many needs that have to be met 24/7. They need love, nurturing and stability. I don't have the stability at this time, but I know that I have the love to give. I just don't know if I can be a parent, if I want to be a parent or if I am just a coward that is too afraid to face their fears/responsibilities. This is certainly NOT what I had in mind when I got pregnant! I have started having anxiety attacks so bad that I feel like I am going to choke. I have people that are a "friend of a friend" come up to me and say things like, "You went through hell to get pregnant, so I think you need to keep your baby." Who are these people and what right do they have to decide what is right for me and my child? I don't want my baby to have the kind of life that I had. I was physically, sexually and emotionally abused as a child. So was my brother and sister. We all wound up in foster care because my mother was too co-dependant to leave her child molesting husband. Obviously this is part of the reason as to why I have no family support. I don't even want my child exposed to these people, but they don't understand why. How does a woman decide to "just do it" and put her child up for adoption without looking back? How do I know that if I do go with adoption, that my child won't get a family like what I had? How will I live with myself if I do go that route? Are there any statistics on suicide rates among birthmothers? That may sound like an odd question, but one never knows the affect something like this can have on their mental state. I feel like a cat that is chasing it's tail. I keep going in circles because I don't know what my heart will let me do. My heart and head are not in agreement on anything right now and it is driving me nuts!!! Well, thank you for letting me sound off! Any advice would be appreciated. Feel free to email me privately if you wish to do so.

[ketingle]

Hi Rebecca,
Omigod. I just read your other post, and I can't believe I actually replied to you about my husband and I. I feel awful about that. You need support. Not people telling you they want to adopt. I apologize profusely!!!!!! We do want to adopt, but not like this!!!!!

Now, for my little bit of advice, for what it might be worth from a stranger. Take some deep breaths and calm down. You will know what is right to do. It sounds like you have had a really rough time, and yet you are trying to be a responsible adult--you are already parenting! Whether you choose parenting or adopting, you AND your child CAN have a wonderful life! I have been studying all of this for quite a while and there are plenty of success stories out there. The successes come from people who MAKE it successful, and you care enough to work at it.

Stop even thinking about suicide. No matter what you decide to do, you already know that if you DID choose adoption for your child that you might want a semi or even maybe open adoption. And, from what I have learned so far on this adoption roller coaster, you are going to have some responsibility for your child no matter what you decide to do, because that child is going to grow up trusting that there is someone else out there who cares about them, and they will need to be able to look up to you. YOU choose what you need to do and feel good about it either way. If you choose to parent, then get yourself a job and go back to school. If you choose to adopt, get yourself a job or go into the military and go back to school. Make a life for yourself. You are obviously someone who cares enough to try to make a decision that makes sense, and your child is going to look up to you either way. You get the opportunity to stop the abuse cycle either way, because you can show your child that you are no longer allowing abuse from anyone--including yourself. I am so sorry you are in this situation, but I KNOW you can and will figure out the best path for your child. I am sending lots of love your way. If you want to keep talking send me an email back.
Sincerely,
Karen

[Liltigger]

Hi I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry for the way you feel.If you want to talk to someone feel free to email me.
Mabbe@cableone.net
My name is Deborah

[lkwelch]

Wow!! What a choice you have to make. For one thing you seem to have your head on straight. You are really thinking things through and know what is right.
I am 32 as well. I can not have children. I did the invitro and what an emotional roller coaster! It did not work so we did adopt our son, it was the most awesome experience!
We use a great adoption agency and if you can find a great adoption agency near you where you could get counceling and guidence that should help you. That does not mean you have to give your baby up unless you choose to. They can help you determine what you want to do. Adoption is a very selfless act!! It takes such love! So does keeping your child. If it is what you should do.
If you find a good agency, they would help with your decision and you would get a good look at your adoptive family and see the choices in the type of adoptions out there.
Please check it out and I will pray for you!
I would love to visit with you more, if you would like.

[watershed32]

Please do not apologize for emailing me about adoption. I joined this forum for a few different reasons. I wanted to get insight, support and I also wanted to see what kind of people are looking to adopt.
As for having my head on straight....I doubt that. I can't even think straight because everything is so overwhelming. I am not a very religious person (and for personal reasons I do not discuss religion), but I do hope that God will guide me through the next few months.
Anyone who wants to become email buddies can email me at watershed32@yahoo.com
Thanks for your reply/support.

[DonnaLynn]

I hardly know where to begin I suppose I mostly wish to offer you comfort and pray for you to have peace of mind.

There is another post out here about making lists.

Maybe this would be a placed to start.
Make a pros and cons list, I know this sounds kind of cold in regrads to making a choice on weather to parent your baby or choose parents to share raising your baby with.
But I might give you a clearer picture of what you went through to get pregnant and if you can deal with letting that go.
How you will make ends meet $$$ and deal with 24/7
Or how to share your baby with adoptive parents.

You sound overwhelmed and without support might I suggest you try talking with someone at your church? If you have one or maybe look at the information Skye listed on her posting.

From my prior counseling exprience just reading what you wrote I am very concerned your history, the loss of your relationship, pregnancy and how hard that was to have happen, suicide mentioned, and your families lack of support.

Honey that is TOO MUCH! For one person please please talk to someone Live in person. There are wonderful caring counselors out there who can help. Email me as well if you wish.
donnamartin67037@yahoo.com

If you want to talk to someone about your adoption options I have been checking lots of sites and have talked with Link Adoptions in NC and will use them to adopt a baby. www.linkadoption.com I have found them very caring and compassionate, they may be able to help you get perspective and find resources that will help you keep your baby or find the parents that will love you as well.

Blessings and please stay in touch with us all...

[Ataraxic]

Rebecca,

Don't give up! I'm a 30 yr old birthmom, pregnant with twins, and due in mid april. All I can say is that since I became pregnant I have been through an emotional Process. With a capital P.
I have two daughters already that I chose to parent. When I became pregant with my last daughter, it was a concious decision my husband (at the time) and I made. However, we had not been married long, and the reality of throwing parenting into our relationship caused us to part ways. This left me in a very bad position financially and emotionally. I thought it was the end of my life, that I would never be able to make anything of myself. I didn't feel like I had been a very good mother to my oldest daughter, so how could i provide for and mother another child? My husband urged me to abort after we separated, and though I am pro-life I seriously considered it. I thank God every day that I didn't, because our little Angel has been such a precious gift. She has made me appreciate the value of being a mother, and because of that I am a much better mom to my oldest daughter as well. She has brought my whole family closer together, and given me a reason to go back to college and build a stable family. I now know that I can accomplish so much for both of my daughters, and that I'm much stronger and more nurturing than I ever thought I could be. I just wanted you to know, that if you decided to parent your child, it's not the end of the world at all.

I hope this doesn't sound cold, but I've been able to go back to college and not have to work strictly because my x-husband has to pay child support. Is this possible for you in your situation?

And if you decide to relinquish your child know that you are capable of finding a family that will love him/her. Trust in your own judgement, and know that you are doing the best that you can under the circumstances for your child out of love. Sometimes we can't control the circumstances of our lives, we can only take action to assure that those circumstances do the least amount of damage to the ones we love the most, our children.

PM me if you would like to talk.
Ataraxic

[susang2003]

Oh, precious one,


Please consider life as a blessing. I am 32 years old. I wish I new the what it felt like to BE pregnant. But, I have a little one that we adopted four and a half years ago, that I couldn't have loved any more had I given birth to him myself. God gave him to me, and We gave him back to God in return. There is so much I would love to share with you. If you would like to talk more, my E-mail address is susang2003@mail.com.

[watershed32]

I just wanted to let you all know that I now have two email address that you can use if you want to write to me.

One is watershed32@yahoo.com and the other is watershed32@hotmail.com

I had my other thread get deleted....does anyone know how I would find out why this happened?

[debsdone]

Watershed, I would guess the thread got deleted because there were a couple of possible "solicitations" that are not permitted. Write an e-mail to the moderator, they will answer eventually. Love, Debi

[watershed32]

The moterator wrote back and told me that people were probably posting things that were not appropriate on the thread. It irritates me because now I have to do the whole darn thing over again.

[joannemckay76]

Dear watershed, There is so much out there for support,on and off line. I had a bio son and we are trying to adopt now. I know after all the work we have done on this site, that you can find a wealth of knowlege here.Your life is precious, you are only 32, lots of time in which to do so much... Good luck to you

[raybuffer]

Watershed,

As scary as everything is right now, I've read that many women find comfort and hope in having and keeping their children, even when everything looks so uncertain and even if it conflicts with your plans. It sounds like you are doing your research and accepting council from those online, but please see a professional councillor as well and if you do decide upon adoption, I hope you will consider an open one.


Best Regards,

Ray Buffer
www.raybuffer.com
www.adopteerights.cjb.net
Ray was born 09/02/1969 in West Palm Beach, FL, http://adoptee.cjb.net and is the Moderator of Adoptee Activists on Yahoo at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/adopteeactivists

"I feel the greatest gift we can give to anybody is the gift of our honest self."
......Fred Rogers

[Rosalind]

Please listen to those of us who had no choice.

What ever decision you make please make it with all the facts in hand.

You will not forget

The pain does not ease.

Not all adoptive families are great, just as not all biological families. Many will tell you what you want to hear, until they have the paper's signed

.Until 19 July 2001 I had not heard one word as to my daughter's well being, or indeed if she still lived, on that day I received her non id info and I read and hugged and devoured those words the first in almost 42 years!! One year later I met my daughter and got to hug and hold her and spend time with her. There are no words to describe that moment.

This past week I received wonderful news, my grandson's wife is expecting my first GGchild, (surely I am too young). This is a joy that I would never have known if I had not argued that my daughter keep her child and not give him up to adoption as she was being advised to do (even in 1981 they used phrases as "wonderful charming couples") I raised him until his mom was married when he was 5 and he is a lovely young man.


Remember millions of us women raised our babies after divorce with little or no money, no child support and we have raised good kids.

Think carefully on your choice, no matter which decision you make it will affect the rest of your life..

Feel free to email me if you want to talk

Rosalind

[Carol Bird]

Rebecca -- You have a choice of options today that we didn't have in the early 1950s when I relinquished my daughter.
We reunited when she was your age (32) in 1986.

The Open Adoption concept seems to be the best choice today for those who can't raise their child themselves. it is worth looking into. But, a caution, be certain that you have an agreement IN WRITING, notarized, and checked out by an attorney. there have been cases where the adoptive parents have renieged on their agreements.

Marcy Axness, a reunited adoptee who is working on her Ph.D. has a very interesting Column on THE BIRTH SCENE/ADOPTION that is worth checking out. The contributions to her column are mainly by professional therapists specializing in adoption issues, but are worth reading by all members of the triad. (Marcy monitored the Adoptee Issues Forum on our old website, adopting.org for several years.

Her column is at http;//www.birthpsychology.com/birthscene/adoption.html

Relinquishing a child to adoption is painful, make no mistake about it. We live with it throughout our lives, and even in reunion we don't always find respite. Most of us suffer from guilt and remorse that eventually forces us into therapy for depression, or hypochondria, or relationship problems, etc.

But the damage done to the child is sometimes even worse. You still have almost two months to talk with your baby and ensure a connection. Do it.

But, please, read some of the pieces in Marcy's columns.

Be brave and Hang in there.
Love and Hugs,
Carol Bird, Birthmother 17 years in reunion.