[Coley]

Hi all. My birthson's adoptive Mom and I are teaming up on a project geared toward educating the medical community about adoption. Ours was a very open adotion, my sons adoptive mom was at the hosiptal the whole time with me. But sometimes, the medical proffesionals said things that were a little off or rude. So we are teaming up on a brochure about adoption geared towards hospital employees. And we have even been asked to do an inservice about adoption from a birthmom and adoptive mom's point of views. But I need your help? Could some of you (birthmoms and adoptive moms) please share your experiences with me, good and bad?? Things that happened that you liked? And things that you did not like or made you mad???

Feel free to post them here in the forum or email me personally at princessmuh1@yahoo.com. And thanks in advance for your help!

Coley

[billysmommy]

I am an amom in an open adoption...I was in the delivery room when my son was born. Our hospital experience was absolutely amazing ( for bmom and us). The staff there handles a lot of adoptions, so they were very understanding. the allowed us to set the pace for everything, and made us feel equal. One thing that I think helped tremendously.....as Bmom;s due date neared, we went into the hsopital and sat down with the charge nurse and discussed the plans. Bmom laid out everything about how she wanted things, and they explained hospital policy and procedure to me.Also, as the delivery progressed, they continued to ask Bmom if she had any change of plans (i.e. she chose not to see the baby or hold him). By going in prior to the delivery, we knew just what to expect and the nurses were prepared for us.

[Natalie2001]

This probably doesnt apply to what you want to hear,
but I had an excellent hospital experience. Why?
Because I never informed the hospital of my adoption
plan. And for that reason....I wanted to avoid the
'off the wall' and rude comments from hospital
staff. I could just imagine nurses whispering, " Is she going to see, hold, etc the baby? " I didnt want any chaos. I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted to be treated just like I was, a normal mother in the maternity ward. The amom was there when I had my c section, and when the nurses asked who she was, I simply said she was my friend and coach. No other questions were asked. I was very pleased. I'd advise anyone to take this route.

[strosnstars]

Im a birthmother and hopefully this kind of thing doesnt go on anymore. I was treated horribly. My son was whisked away before I could ever see him. I snuck down to the nursery to see him so I could hold him and say goodbye. As a result, I spent the rest of my hospital stay in the psychiatric ward, drugged and in restraints. I hope to god this doesnt go on anymore.

Laura
Happily reunited for 9 months

[linnea]

(((((Laura))))) how horrible for you.

for me, the hospital was used to the birthmother doesn't see, doesn't know, has nothing to do with the baby.

so we were an education for them. they were supportive, but I saw the worry on their faces when the babies were with me.

interestingly enough, I had the same nurses the next two times I gave birth two and a half and seven years later. I even stopped in last year to say hello to my day nurse and she was still working there. I changed their perspective and they still talk about me up there.

it was a small county hospital and the care I received there was incredible. It was also wonderful to share my joy with the people who supported me during the birth of the babies.

I am also an adoption professional, too. I have had hospital staff thank me for how I handled myself with the staff and the birthmother. I introduced myself to the staff and told them that my role was to support the birthmother in her decision and that was what their role was as well - it was not anyone's place to express an opinion to the birthmother one way or another, but to honor her requests and that she would make her needs known. It was hers to choose to proceed with the adoption or hers to decide to parent - but that any pressure from anyone else to do it one way or the other was not appropriate and counterproductive. And I was very kind and tactful about it.

they handled themselves beautifully and I thanked them for it. It return the staff was very kind and thanked me for making it a positive experience for them. too. a good social worker can also help smooth the way.

[GinnyBinny]

Hi I am a birthmom. I have an open adoption. I had a horrilbe experience at the hospital. I had expected all the legal issues to be with my agency and the hospital to work with my agency. I had gotten to know and spend lots of time with my case worker. I was comfortable with my agency and they knew how to talk to me with out making it harder. Well I don't even know if the hospital people even talked to my agency people even though they were there a good deal of the time. The hospital people seemed very unprepared and ignorant on the subject of adoption. I think most of them meant well but I was shocked at how clueless they were. I had one woman actually say in front of me "ok since she is not the mother any more we will hand the baby over to the agency.." They were discussing how everyone should leave the hospital when we were in the process of discharge. They were talking like I had no feelings and passing my baby around like he was an object to be owned instead of a human being. The whole time I was there they would not leave me alone. I wanted time alone with my family and my baby and I wanted time to think, but they were always comming in asking whats the plan whats the plan and asking if I needed to talk to a professional. I told them twice I was fine and my agency takes care of everything. They didnt listen to me they sent a priest and one of their "adoption handler" people to talk to me and they just made it worse. They sent one lady to my room who commented on my age. (I was 17 at the time) I was aware of my age and really didnt need her comments. I just wanted them to treat me the same as any other woman who came in there. I wanted to just work with my agency. Well we called the hospital and told them about our experience afterwards. They were very nice and apologized they said it was a holiday weekend so there regurlar staff that worked with adoptions and their social workers were not there. I believe that they really mean well and want to make a better experience for birthfamliles and adoptive parents but I don't think they talk to enough birthfamilies or adoptive parents. I think they just learn from their "adoption experts". I have really been wanting to find a way to educate hospitals on adoption. I told my agency if they ever had meeting with the hospital people or like an inservice I would love to talk to them about how they could handle things better.

[brandyegland]

I am not an amom or a bmom, however my mother gave my little sister up for adoption almost 20 years ago, one year after giving birth to me. She was young and our father was very abusive. My mother was trying to get out of a very difficult situation, so she made the difficult decision to have her child adopted. She saw my sister only for a brief second when she was born, and was not allowed to even see her after that. The hospital personnel were very rude to my mother, and that was a pain that she has always lived with. She talked about it openly with me, and I wondered if she would ever begin to heal from that experience that she had. Only recently since I found my sister and she has established a friendship with my mother have I began to notice a little less pain in my mother. I don't know how bmoms are treated today in hospitals, however if it is anything like my mother was treated I think it would be very helpful for hospital staff to be more educated, and taught to be more comasionate towards those involved in adoption. My sister was given the chance at a life she would not have had if it weren't for adoption and I think that the public should be more informed about adoption. My sister while she had a wonderful upbringing and appreciates what my mom did for her was very hurt to hear how my mom was treated. This is definately an issue that is worth addressing. Thank you.

[Aden1119]

I have to say that my experience was good and bad. My lawyer had set it up so I had a paper that had all my info on it and everything I wanted. I said I wanted to hold and feed the baby have the baby sleep in my room everything. They treated me as a normal patient and didn't much mention anything about the adoption. The one thing I do remember is right after my baby was born the lady went to hand me the baby, I hesitated cause I had never held a newborn and almost immediately she took him away and I had to literally yell at her to bring him back to me. I do know that some mothers just in general after birth sometimes feel distant from their children at birth but still. Also when I left home with my baby because I hadn't had enough time with him, the nurse said to me "boy, you have a hard decision to make". But over all I have to say that it wasn't good or bad. Just knowing that you have to make that decision sometimes can make your stay horrible but I will say that my nurses were so good with me while I was in labor and they made sure I was always comfortable. I do think it would be good to educate them though!!

adriana

[Birthmomxs2]

Richards Adoption: The hospital was great. My doctor was himself an adoptive parent and he thought the support of my sons adoptive parents was outstanding. They were able to be there the entire time...

Leigh's adoption: The hospital I delivered Leigh at was... well... they were kind and caring. However, she spent sime time in ICU from being premature, and it was those nurses that were complete as*holes, as well as the doctors. I wasn't told anything about my daughter. They went to the adoptive parents first. I had to practically scream to get them to pay attention to me until I demanded that the adoptive parents not be allowed in the ICU unless I was with them. Since I hadn't signed papers yet, this had to be enforced.

When I wasn't sure, I was given a guilt trip from the staff about how selfish and uncaring I was. I was even told by one nurse that I could not hold my daughter because I didn't need to get attached to her since I was giving her away anyway... Talk about one girl raising hell after that!

Needless to say, both experiences were different. If there are ANY birthmoms here from Hawaii, please let me know so I can pass along the info to you!

bella Marie

[swtluvr069]

Hi! I just placed my baby she was born on Febuary 22,2003..

I had a good experience.. The staff let me do what i wanted i could see her as much as i wanted or not see her ( a saw her a little now i wish i would have saw her more ) i wasn't going to name the baby untill the amom picked one i thought it would be easier to just have one name for her but then the nurses were calling her by their names and i started feeling bad so i named her Katelyn the nurses sat with me and we were trying to pick a spelling and her middle name is after one of the staff members at the hospital Joan she was so great she talked to me about what would happen if i changed my mind she made me feel that it was ok if i wanted to go through with it or ok if i didn't..when the aparents finally got to the hospital i asked what they had planned to name her and you will never believe they wanted her name Kaitlyn same name different spelling how wierd is that...ok taht was off the subject the staffers made sure i got footprints her wrist band and let me choose who left first Joan the best person in the world took her pager home with her for the rest of the week so i could call her if i needed her. she called me at home 3 times to check on me they were great

Catherine

[Coley]

I have not posted here in awhile, so I just wanted to let you all know that I am reading these and keeping up to date with them. Some of the experiences are great and others are not. But everything you all are telling me is great and I am making notes and thinking! Keep on posting and I will keep you all posted of the progress of my project.

Hugs,
Coley

[orangekitty]

...others I know of were not so good.

First, on my experience: the nurses were all excellent. I had written a standard birth plan before I went into the hospital, with a note about my adoption at the bottom, identifying the couple who was going to adopt my baby. My counselor also wrote a letter to the hosp. & that was in my file. The nurses were all very understanding, they all asked me if I was sure that this was what I wanted, not to pressure me to change my mind, but to let me know that they would do whatever I wanted, admit/prohibit anyone from seeing me as I wished. The hospital itself wasn't a great facility-I didn't have a private room, but the nurses put me in a double-sized room. Officially it had room for 4 beds, but they gave me half the room w/ just me in it, cuz I had so many visitors. The hosp. had a requirement that all women considering adoption had to meet w/ the hospital social worker, & she was very nice.

The only problem I had was that the bdad wanted to sign the paternity papers, & the late-shift ppl couldn't get their act together to let him do that. The birth certificate person specifically left papers @ the front desk for him to sign, & then they magically disappeared cuz no one @ the desk wanted to deal w/ it.

In one hospital in my city, there seems to be a sw who tries to pressure women into doing things her way...I was mentoring one young couple, who had made an adoption plan, & this sw lied to the adopting couple & said that the mom had used drugs during pregnancy...NICU staff had a pediatric cardiologist look @ the baby; this Dr. concluded, based on a very brief exam, that the baby had a heart defect & was going to die. The p-aps had already adopted a baby who had died of a heart defect & couldn’t face losing another baby this way, so they backed out. Basically the sw worked w/ the Dr’s to try to get this baby into the foster system cuz she didn’t like the p-bmom having a choice in the baby’s future. She was working behind the p-bmom’s back to place the baby w/ the b-grandma, against p-bmom’s wishes. (Baby is fine, btw-no health probs at all)

This same sw pressured another woman into exploring adoption recently...young woman in crisis/unplanned pregnancy, in denial for much of the time, not really prepared w/ carseat, clothes, bottles etc., but when her baby was born decided to parent...sw decided she needed to look into adoption...luckily she was referred to the same counselor I used; she does parenting and adoption plans, & could tell that this young woman did not want to place her baby.

Other bmoms I have talked to have had similar positive experiences to mine. I live in a large city in Calif. so things are pretty progressive. Fortunately it seems to be just this one sw out of all the hospitals who thinks she is god or something.

Hth-good for you Coley for doing this outreach! Love, Cec
dbs Ben 10-20-00

[orangekitty]

...others I know of were not so good.

First, on my experience: the nurses were all excellent. I had written a standard birth plan before I went into the hospital, with a note about my adoption at the bottom, identifying the couple who was going to adopt my baby. My counselor also wrote a letter to the hosp. & that was in my file. The nurses were all very understanding, they all asked me if I was sure that this was what I wanted, not to pressure me to change my mind, but to let me know that they would do whatever I wanted, admit/prohibit anyone from seeing me as I wished. The hospital itself wasn't a great facility-I didn't have a private room, but the nurses put me in a double-sized room. Officially it had room for 4 beds, but they gave me half the room w/ just me in it, cuz I had so many visitors. The hosp. had a requirement that all women considering adoption had to meet w/ the hospital social worker, & she was very nice.

The only problem I had was that the bdad wanted to sign the paternity papers, & the late-shift ppl couldn't get their act together to let him do that. The birth certificate person specifically left papers @ the front desk for him to sign, & then they magically disappeared cuz no one @ the desk wanted to deal w/ it.

In one hospital in my city, there seems to be a sw who tries to pressure women into doing things her way...I was mentoring one young couple, who had made an adoption plan, & this sw lied to the adopting couple & said that the mom had used drugs during pregnancy...NICU staff had a pediatric cardiologist look @ the baby; this Dr. concluded, based on a very brief exam, that the baby had a heart defect & was going to die. The p-aps had already adopted a baby who had died of a heart defect & couldn’t face losing another baby this way, so they backed out. Basically the sw worked w/ the Dr’s to try to get this baby into the foster system cuz she didn’t like the p-bmom having a choice in the baby’s future. She was working behind the p-bmom’s back to place the baby w/ the b-grandma, against p-bmom’s wishes. (Baby is fine, btw-no health probs at all)

This same sw pressured another woman into exploring adoption recently...young woman in crisis/unplanned pregnancy, in denial for much of the time, not really prepared w/ carseat, clothes, bottles etc., but when her baby was born decided to parent...sw decided she needed to look into adoption...luckily she was referred to the same counselor I used; she does parenting and adoption plans, & could tell that this young woman did not want to place her baby.

Other bmoms I have talked to have had similar positive experiences to mine. I live in a large city in Calif. so things are pretty progressive. Fortunately it seems to be just this one sw out of all the hospitals who thinks she is god or something.

Hth-good for you Coley for doing this outreach! Love, Cec
dbs Ben 10-20-00

[wanttobeparents]

I'm an adoptive mom. Matthew was born 2 years ago with major birth defects. He was airlifted to a local medical center.

The original adoptive parents chosen by the birthmom backed out due to his medical problems. The hospital evidently had many potiental adoptive parents calling to ask about him. After we had talked to the doctor, we decided he was meant to come home with us.

The hospital then cut off all contact. We were not allowed to see him or talk to the doctors or nurses. All information had to come from the adoption agency until the birthmother's relinquishment period was up and he was officially ours. I believe that the legal department got involved because they were afraid someone would make a promise about this child that was not correct and that we would sue at a later date.

I worked 10 minutes from where my baby was and I could not see him. We had planned a trip out of the country since babies always come when it is least convient, we figured this would cause our child to arrive. We were right. We decided it would be best to get me out of the country since I could not get any information about him or see him. We left and called the agency daily for updates.

When the relinquishment period was up, we came home to our son, who is outshining even the best prognosis that was given by the doctors.

I wish the hospital had allowed us to see and hold the baby after we had signed the papers intending to adopt him. True, more than one set of potiential parents had been scared off, 7 total to be exact. But knowing he was right there and I could not see him or comfort him was not an easy thing to do.

Peggy

[KarenInBama]

I am the bmom of twin girls who were born May 22, 1990.

I guess that back in 1990 it was still part of the "dark ages" of adoption. It was well known by the hospital that I was placing my daughters. I had an emergency c-section, with some complications afterwards. When I was moved out of ICU and into a regular room, it was on the surgical floor, not maternity. I was put in a semi-private room. Because the nurses weren't used to having a post-partum patient on the floor, I was left to literally soak in my own blood (sorry to be graphic). I complained to the hospital staff, who just basically passed it off as part of my emotional state. Then they wouldn't even allow any visitors to come see me...even my own mom! I had to convince them that this was alright. My mom had me moved to a private room. This was the best move ever! I couldn't have imagined having to introduce my daughter (her sister was still in the NICU) to her mommy and daddy with another person in the room. I didn't like that when my daughter was released, I had to take her outside of the hospital and give her to my caseworker for her to be officially handed to her parents.

It sounds like a lot of things have changed over the years. It is a real shame that any of us had to go through anything negative that was brought on by those who work for the hospital.

Karen