[trishalina]

I gave birth to a 6 pound 14 ounce 19 in. baby girl, named Isabella, on February 22, 2002. The whole experience was hard. The birthfather faught me the whole way, he is still fighting the adoption as I write this. I am so frustrated. I feel as the year is coming up, I have no "closer" so to speak, because the adoption is not final. I don't know when it will ever be final. The lawyer says it may never be final. I don't know...when I found out I was pregnant, I knew that adoption was my option. I felt good about it and had no second thoughts about it. I told the birthfather what I wanted to do, he told me to either get an abortion or keep her. I told him I wouldn't get an abortion. I went through an adoption agency, they went to visit the birthfather to tell him what I wanted to do, and to see if he would agree. He wouldn't so the social worker told me that there was nothing that she could do for me. So I did my homework, I found that I could go to Utah and give her up without his signature. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like this guy was a great guy. It was a one night stand, and he was a gangster. I was scared, I did give him and his family a try, but they pretty much dictated to me what I could and couldn't do with my baby! Anyway, I went to Utah, picked a family and met them. I gave birth, I spent two wonderful days with her, that I wouldn't trade for the world. They took her home and now I get lots of letters and pictures of them, it's nice. I thought I was doing well, with all that is going on, but to tell the truth, I feel like I want to scream from the top of my lungs. I miss her so much, and I know that it is normal, but I wish I didn't feel it as strong as I do. I don't regret what I did, but it's like I want my cake and I want to eat it too. You know!? Anyway, her one year birthday is coming up a week from Saturday, I am feeling lots of emotions. I don't know if a lot of it is from the whole thing not even being final. I wish that the birthfather would just go away. He has another girl pregnant right now, I think his mom wants her more than he does. I am so completely frustrated!
Trishalina

[BMlaurie]

Hi Trishalina,

As i read your story i was really shocked by how much i can relate to your situation. I live in Canada but i went through all the exact same strife that you did. In the province that i was living in (and am living in again now), Social Services would not even give me ANY info on adoption, no home studies to look at, NOTHING until they had the birthfather's consent for me to place my baby. Regardless of whether this guy's entire involvement in creating this life was 20 seconds, and the bmom's is 9 mos, that's how the law works. They threatened me and told me that if i didn't tell him, they would. I actually hadn't even told him i was pregnant...i had moved to another city and hadn't seen him for months. Our "relationship" is SO complicated, that's a whole other post. Altho he isn't a thug, he's certainly in the complete deadbeat category as well. I did alot of research too and discovered that the province next to mine had very different laws with adoption and i ended up moving to that province at 38 weeks (I flew...almost gave the flight attendant a heart attack) and had my baby there. I chose parents that live in the same city as my sister (in that province).

On your baby's 1st bday, my son with be exactly 6 mos. He was born August 22, 2002. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time, i'm with you there 100%, i think you have alot of us in your boat right now sweetie. I'd love to tell you otherwise, but i don't think it's ever going to get easier. I obviously don't know that for sure, and i guess we can hope. As for you thinkin that it might help once the adoption is final...it's SUCH a complete Catch 22, believe me. My son's parents and I have gone through complete HELL with my son's bdad and HIS parents (MOSTLY his parents, he doesn't really give a flying you know what about anything but drugs and his sad sad self). So on one hand, it was a huge relief once the adoption was final to not have to worry about them interfering and ruining not only my son's life, but mine AND his adoptive parent's lives as well. On the other hand - it was that final nail in the coffin, that stake right through your heart knowing that he will NEVER be your child to raise, even legally now there's nothing you can do. I know that WAS our decision, but it doesn't make our harsh reality any different.


Wow I am REALLY not helping any here am i? I'm sorry sweetie! I just want you to know that you're not alone in this and anytime you need to talk about it you're more than welcome to. You should submit your baby's bday in to Courtney for a reminder to us bmoms so we can send you a hello on the 22nd! Maybe that will help a little. Keep in touch sweetie, and i hope you can find something that will make you happy, you deserve it.

Take care Trishalina!

Laurie

[Natalie2001]

Laurie,

Your last post is just a reminder as WHY I love you so much!!! You really hit the nail on the head- about the bdad spending the 20 secs to create the child, then magically he's this wonderful guy ready to fight an adoption. I dont EVEN wanna get started on sperm donors rights....that will just turn this thread into a long, ugly subject, and Trish doesnt need that right now.

Trish, I wish I could say it gets easier hun. I placed my child in
open adoption 19 mos ago...and even tho I know it was right, part of my life just sucks without raising her. Please know we are all here to support you!

[laceybug]

my son is 13 months old. some days are better then others. but most of the time iam depressed, to deal with it I work until i can't work any more. I find it hard to be around little kids and sometimes i find it hard to be around friends. My sons birthfather took off and left after he foun out I was pregnant, and now he is back and everyone makes that very clear to me, the only thing that does is make me feel worse. I get pics and letters every month and when I look at my son I see his father. My depression has destroyed a very good relationship and most of my friendships with people. I have tryed seeing someone for help and the only thing they did was push god on to me, saying I need to be more godly. I have had a long bumpey road with this entire adoption and it only seems to be getting worse. But I don't know why.

[moon_orchid7]

I too feel the pain of all of you. I have always known it was the right thing to do, but sometimes that just doesn't console my heart. Most days are alright, but the void is a constant. I guess what I would like to say is I hope you find whatever peace you can, and hold on to it. I am sending good thoughts your way.

[trishalina]

Wow, it has been a long time since I have posted any info on here. I have to say thank you for all of those who posted replys to my post. I got through her first birthday ok, it was hard but the main thing is, is that I got through it alive! I have some news about my thunggish ruggish birthfather. It finally went to court on May22 and he lost. It was a summary judgement, the lawyers had to go before the judge to argue their cases and then the judge would decide. Usually they take a couple of weeks. I got a call that night saying that they judge ruled in our favor. I could not believe it! It doesn't mean that it's all over, they can still appeal and all that. But right now it looks like it's going to be able to be final in July. I am so excited! It has been 16 months of hell and it finally seems like it's over. But I am still holding my breathe until "the fat lady sings" I am hoping that my baby girl will be safe with them for the rest of my life. But I have to agree with you all that no matter how good the news is, the pain never gets any easier to deal with. I love my girl so much and I don't regret what I decided, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt and I don't miss her. I wish everyday that I could see her once again and to reach out and touch her face, and run my fingures through her hair. But thank you all so much and I just wanted to tell you all what's going on. I'll let you all know when it's all final legally!
Love,
Trishalina