[yeidikey333]

I have a question for birthmoms out there.

Do you regret giving up your child?
If you could, would you change the past?

Just wondering

[Betty Lou]

I am a adoptee who also gave my child up for adoption. I never regreted the decision that I made. I knew I was unable to care for a child at a young age. Sure, through out the years I wondered if I did the right thing, but not to the point that I was obsessed with it. I was reunited with her this spring and she thanked me for the choice that I had made. Being adopted myself was a big part of my decision. I had a good life and I wanted her to have the same, and she did. I am still searching for my birth-mom, but I at least when I find her I can let her know what she did was ok and that I truely can understand what a a diffcult decision it was. Peace be with you Val aka Betty Lou

[sar1229]

I don't regret my decisions but I do regret not asking more questions with my first child. What was supposed to be an "open adoption" became very closed after one year. I was told upfront that I would receive updates and pictures every month until my bson turned 6 months then another update when he turned 1. After that I was told "It was up to the parents if they wanted to send in anything". I was told by the agency that they were pretty sure this couple would be open with me and share well after the 1 year birthday of my bson. Since his first birthday in 1993 I have not heard a single thing - yet I write into the agency every single year around his birthday just so he knows that I wonder about him and love him very much.

So again I only regret not getting more information on exactly what "Open Adoption" means. I wasn't explained that there are several "levels" of "Open Adoption" at the time of my relinquishment and I feel I have been violated and robbed of my rights to know.

I wouldn't change my past for anything - because if it weren't for my past I would not be the person I am today.

[Natalie2001]

The only thing I regret is not being able to raise
her. I dont regret doing the right thing for her.

[Courtney Frey]

I recently wrote a story titled, "The Right Thing", published on birthmother.com (or somewhere, not sure where they put it after the E-newsletter last monday lol ). My step-mother (one of my dearest friends and also an adoptive mother, was up late one night and happened to find it. I woke up the next morning to an e-mail from her and she wrote:

"Please stop beating yourself up Courtney. doing the right thing is simply that. you do it, not to feel good (about yourself, about yourselflessness, about what a great thing you just did), but just because it's the right thing to do. I mentioned this before, but a long time ago i realized that people did things to either seek good (love) or avoid pain (fear). Keeping Jonathan might have helped you "feel" better, because you avoided the horrible pain of separation, but by letting him go, you sought a greater, more long term good -- not for you, but for him. you need to stop agonizing about the decision because it can't be changed. all you can do is change your feelings about it. You can "feel" good about it if you choose to, by knowing no matter what has happened since, at 14 you gave him an opportunity for a better life than you could have given him right then. You gave him the opportunity. That's all you had to give."

For me, and based on where I'm at in the journey ... I've arrived at a place of acceptance. I have no ability to predict the future and so I don't really know if the choice I made effected my son positively and led to him having a productive, promising, wonderful life. Since I don't know the results of my choice - I can't yet regret the choice. I made the choice, not to feel good about myself - but to provide my babywith everything I'd hoped for him. When I know that that provision was provided - I can feel good. If that provision was not provided ... then at that time I will of course, be dealing with some serious regret issues. lol

Now - as far as other regrets - as Sharon mentioned, there are certain events that occured that I regret not having the tools to make more agressive choices/research. The agency did a terrible job with my adoption and my sons adoptive parents followed suit and I believe did just as I did - believed the agency. So there will always be regrests within regrets, certain things that I can't change.

And again, like Sharon said, we are forever altered by our choices.
It's up to us to make it worth more than the things we regret.

Courtney

[Lewey]

Without regrets one cannot grow in life, in my life I've had many regrets, but the one thing I regret more than anything is not being able to raise my son, now mind you I said being able to, I do not regret doing everything possible to ensure a better life for my son, I do however regret not knowing him as he grew, I regret not being there when he said his first word or took his first step, had his first date, grduated from High School or said I Love you Mom, those are my regrets.

As with many regrets they are hindsight, I would truly love to believe that I could have raised my son, maybe I could have, but at what price to my son, I was young, no education or support and most of all I was an emotional mess, I could have overcome some of those obstacles, but what I could not overcome at the time was my damaged childhood, I would not have been a good Mother at that time and I didn't want to put my son through the same childhood that I had been subjected to, so for the Love of my child I chose to relinquish him and that I do not regret. The Love of my son helped me turn my life around, I was able to get the help I needed to overcome all the pain of my childhood and live a healthy, happy and productive life, however that does not mean that my decision has not pained me over the years.

Lewey

[May]

I regret having gotten myself pregnant at such an early age, when I wasn't able to care for a child.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have made a different choice. I look at my life now, just a little over 2 years later, dating a wonderful guy who I plan to marry who has a good job, and being more mature. But when I think about it, I wouldn't be this mature if I hadn't gone through everything I did. And I might not have had the time or energy to get involved with my boyfriend if I had a child to take care of.

So I guess overall, I regret the situations I ended up in, but at the same time, my life is working out very well despite the losses I've suffered. And most importantly, my daughter is happy and safe and has everything she needs and more. So right now, seeing how my life is, I wouldn't want to go back and change anything.

[Pat laPier]

In 1968 I was 15, I was not given the choice, it was made for me because it was "the right thing to do". I made myself believe that it was right to let go of the child that I loved so dearly so he could have 2 parents that we were older and could give him all he needed, at the same time, I know they could never love him the way I did. I have never forgotten him and I remember every little detail of his face for the first 5 days. I feel anger at the people that told me I had no choice.....I feel angry towards the counselor at the agency that lost the photo that was suppose to be mailed to me from his adoptive mother. I feel thankful and greatful to God for watching out over him. I know he had some wonderful parents that guided him throughout his life. I know he went to college and was told he is extremly bright and I am sure they helped that all happen for him. But my heart still has an emptyness in it. I would just love to meet him as an adult, see what he has done with his life, what he looks like and have him meet his siblings. I have to believe that someday, somehow, Eric will enter my life again. Sometimes, when you love someone so much, you let it go, and it will come back to you.

Pat

[Resseda]

I do not regret my decison to place my son. I don't think that regrets are healthy...you learn from your choices, and, in the future, make new choices based on what you learned. Regret, to me, means saying, "if I could have done it differently, I would have", and I think that creates a pain that won't go away, because it only creates further questions.

[vixta]

hey,

I have absolutely no regrets about giving Ivan up, when i actually sit down and think for 2 minutes. I get pain sometimes which i mistake for regret, but no matter how i feel now, i have to remember who i was at the time. I have had to do a lot of growing up in the past 2 years, and i know that ivan is in a secure, loving family who will do anything for him.

Although i only came to this realisation after seeing a shrink after i had a mild nervous breakdown at work. Oh well...

Awl love to everyone

Da Vixta


www.geocities.com/worklovelifemisc
if you want to read my catharsis...

[Birthmomxs2]

"If you have the courage to love, then you have the courage to suffer."

There are some days that I ask myself WHY WHY WHY... and there are somedays that I say THIS is WHY...

Giving up my children... placing my children, giving life, courageous, mature, doing an adoption plan, getting rid of my flesh and blood, walking away, abandoning, being selfish to stick around... these are all some of the comments I have heard ever since placing my two lovely children who turn 2 this month, and 5 next month.

I think at one time or another we all regret... but most of us know the courage, love, and maturity that went into making our decisions. I'm sure we all ask ourselves from time to time, "What if"... what if I would have kept him/her, what if I placed with someone else, what if I hadn't of been pregnant. There are thousands of what ifs...

But now that I am rambling I will say this... once in a great great while I regret, but every other moment in time I rejoice that I chose life and made the most maturiest and selfishlessness choice of my life.

[A_mothers_love]

His adoption story

[dawn renae]

To be perfectly honest, yes I do regret the entire situation concerning my daughter's adoption. I've been harboring this regret & bitterness for 2yrs now & am finally to a point of dealing with the circumstances as they are now. Would I change anything? you'd better believe I would. But what I'm learning now is that well I can't change my past & dwelling on the past only causes me to become stagnat thus refusing to go on with my future. I love Alyssa more than anything in this world & would want nothing more than to be a parent to her. but my desire is irrelevant because I am not a "parent" to her. So to even think about the what if's & why me's is pointless. Instead I must accept the reality as it is now in order to find peace within myself that God may use this whole mess for some thing that I can't see right now.
Dawn

[yeidikey333]

Thanks for the replies birthmoms. It has been helpful, I just can't imagine the pain my birthmom must have suffered when she gave me up. I love her so much, and she loves me too.

[jersey41]

I am a single mother of 4 beautiful children who are my world. The youngest is the one I placed just in December of 2002. I have to keep telling myself that I did the best thing for my son to prevent me from losing my mind. My children all have different fathers. I know how bad that sounds and I have already beat myself up for all the decisions I have made in the past.
I just think why did I decide to give this one up. My other kids fathers arent involved. So why was this ones situation different from the others to make me give him up?
I could have made it. Im struggling now but one more what would have been so different than how my life is now? NOTHING!!!
I wish I would have kept him. I have a hole in my heart that I will never fill. And I will never have any more kids either because I had my tubes tied. So I will never have another newborn ever again. That thought makes me really sad. i have an open adoption and the aparents and I are really close. I always get emails from them. I have read other stories from other birthmoms who say that that all changes after the first year. I hope it doesnt. Getting emails once in awhile is the only thing that shows me that he is safe and well taken care of. Im not just wondering hows he doing? Is he growing? Is he okay?
Thanks for listening everyone. If anyone would like to become penpals please write me anytime. I really need a person to talk to once in awhile. My email is annette21208@yahoo or instant messanger with yahoo is shy_girl4127. Thanks again!
Annette