[lisa93]

Hi

I've been reading quite a few posts but haven't posted any of my own, so I thought I would give it a go. I'm having a hard time as my daughter is now nearing 11mnths old, which means the birthday is getting close. I really don't think I am going to be able to handle it. My moods at the moment are very erratic - I can be fine and on cloud nine for days, or maybe weeks, and then i start thinking of my daughter and feel happy, sad, guilty, depressed - basically every emotion possible all at the same time. It's starting to drive me insane!

My adoption is semi open (in the UK) which means i get contact via letters once a year in january. This starts as of next Jan, but i already have so much to say and don't know how to!!!!

I miss my daughter desperately, and cannot see me functioning normally without her. However, i still believe that the decision i made was the right one. What a mess!!!!!

I've just read this back to myself, and it really makes no snese, but that is me all over really.

Sorry for being so depressing, but i feel that i have a lot to get off my chest, and i suppose that this is a good way to start isn't it?

[lisa93]

Also what does the little black dot on my envelope icon mean - no-one else has it?!

[bmLisa]

I'm Lisa too, and my son Cole just turned 1. In the last year I too have felt a strange combination of conflicting emotions uncountable times. I know what it feels like to be anxious but happy. Sad/mad/frustrated/calm - yup, been there. Heart-in-my-throat-gonna-vomit/excited-can't-wait/wanna-turn-around-and-run - done that one too. But my all time favorite has gotta be time/please-hurry-up/slow-down Not only have I become accustomed to these paradoxical emotions, I feel that I am darn good at them too!
Only time will make you emotionally more stable. If you have people you can talk to that will help too. If contact only once a year isn't enough for you, ask for more pictures, more letters, whatever you think will help you. I know it is scary, believe me I know what it feels like to be afraid of scaring the aparents off. If you take the time to explain why you would like pictures a few more times a year, it will help them not to be frightened. I am working on opening up the communication thing with Cole's parents and plan on writing them an update letter every few months. I will tell them things about me and Travis, and not focus only on the adoption aspect of our lives. My hopes are that the more they know us, the more comfortable they will become with us. Maybe some day I will be able to pick up the phone and call them instead of sending everything through our agency. It is a scary thing to put yourself out there, but you will never get more unless you ask for it.
As for all of the things you want to say but don't know how. Write them down. Even if you start a journal that no one else ever gets to read, it will be a great way to organize your thoughts and feelings. Maybe you could also start by sending their family little 'how are ya' letters so that you don't feel that you have to say everything you want to say in one big letter once a year.
Don't worry about being depressing, we all have our moments. That is what these boards are here for.

hugs,
Lisa

PS. I think that the little black dot means that the post hasn't been opened or viewed by anyone else yet.

[vanessarose]

Hi Lisa, I'm new here too. Tonight is actually my first time, and this is already my second posting. Well my daughter will be 11 weeks old on Thursday and I'm still having a hard time with every week...I'm still actually going day by day. My emotions as well have been all over the place and are only becoming more erratic. But at the same time, I have been lucky enough to meet my daughter's new family, and have so much information about them. I don't officially view it as an open adoption, but so far the lines of communication have been quite open, and we did talk about sending pictures. I can only hope for the best and expect the worst. As for me, this has been an extra emotional time for me. I'm adopted also. The whole experience of having my first child, a beautiful baby girl, and seeing a blood relative for the first time since I was born, has been TOTALLY overwhelming and wonderful at the same time. Well I wish you the best of luck, and the one thing that keeps me strong is my love for my daughter.

Daniela

[alli]

Lisa,
What you are feeling is totally normal. While all birthmothers go through a grieving process some get more intense feeling then others. As a birthmother for four years now I still have my sad moments. But I have also learned to be happy again. Eventually if you continue to let yourself grieve, but focus on the positive of your decision, the negetive feelings will come less often. And as time passes I don't want to say the pain diminishes but it becomes more manageable.

Yes I still long for my child but I know she is where she belongs. I am able to continue with life while keeping in contact with her. I feel you will be able to do the same. You are still in the thick of things right now. I don't think I reached my acceptence point until she was almost two years old. So just hang in there and look forward to better times ahead. I wish you luck, and if you need to talk just let me know.

Allison

[Addie02]

Hi Lisa my name is Lisa too! Kinda funny that there is three of us here. Anyway, my daughter is turning two in about a week and I still have days where my emotions are all mixed up. I still have days were I break down and cry over what seems like nothing. It has easied up a little but I'm not sure it will ever stop. It takes everything I have to make it through thous "special days." The best thing I have found is to take it one day at a time and let thous emotions run cource. If you try and bottle them up and hind them it makes things harder and harder. It eventally you what to explode. I did that at first but I have learned that if you let them out as they come they don't feel quite so bad. Good look and God bless. Lisa

[Courtney Frey]

Some days I long for some type of textbook that could guide me through exactly what I'm feeling, why I'm feeling it, and how long is it going to last? Unfortunantly, other than my writing it out myself I have had to simply flow/scream/cry/rage/mourn/doggypaddle through it all for the last twelve years.

Everyone here has left some excellent advice - what encouragement to know that we're all really doing the same thing - what comfort there is in knowing that in those moments when we think we're going crazy ... we're not going alone!

What everyone left is powerful - and so right on. The pain and grief will never "go away" - but, as time goes by it does come a bit more manageable. It becomes manageable because we get more acquainted with it - we have a better understanding of it.

It's kind of like labor - when that first "real" contraction hits - it's scary - we're like, "Whoa, this hurts more than I thought!" Maybe we panic a little bit - we try to remember what we learned - but it hurts so much we just want to scream! Then, the break - and then the next contraction - we kind of know what's coming so we can prepare a little more for it ... and the key to it all - we know that it will eventually be over - the contraction WILL end - we just have to get through it ... one by one by one.

That's kind of like the recovery process. None of us, even as prepared for the pain as we can possibly be, can actually know what's going to hit us. It hurts! But, as time goes by, we get a better understanding of it .... and our moods and our cycles of grieving and hurting - just like labor - will slowly fade away - until the next cycle hits. We just have to learn how to survive them - one by one by one by one.

Acceptance - just like denial, forgiveness, validation, and grief - comes in stages. We will go through them again and again and again. All at different levels. As we grow and change ourselves, so will our emotions and feelings. Some days we will rage in anger and resentment - while other days we will be able to remember fondly, feel peace in our choice. Oh if only there were a calender in which we could mark this path!!!

One of the things I've had to accept in the last twelve years is who I am now because of my choice. And with that comes the highs and the lows ... it's not so much about trying to figure them out - than learning how to get through them when they hit.

That's why this place is such a good place. Each of us understand these emotions - one day you may feel, coming to this board, peaceful and accepting - your posts may be filled with encouragement and support and you will lovingly reply to those in pain. The next day you may arrive here barely able to see the words through your tears, hands shaking, doubt swirling - questions rising ... and that is okay. This is how we grow - this is how we love - this is how we each hold one another's hands through the transitions we will continue to make on our journey's as birthmothers.

We are a powerful support group ... a united "sisterhood" of those who have chosen a path that requires constant care. Scream, cry, rage, resent, regret, doubt, laugh, be at peace, share the joys, share the pains .... but most of all - be yourself in every moment.

My love,
Courtney

[lisa93]

Thank you all for your replies!

It is very reassuring to know that I'm not going nuts after all!! I just sometimes wonder if I should just get a grip of myself, but now I see that that would just be burying the issue! All of your advice struck a chord with me and has been very helpful, and i am grateful for that. I have pretty much gone through this on my own and am happy to have found a board such as this one. And Courtney, you were right, I have found myself to be in the position to be able to give out a little advice (in the chat room) and it feels great being able to help out others in the same situation. I hope that in the future, I will be of some use to some people out there who are as scared and confused and totally brain numbed as I have been over the past year.

Thanx again, you girls rock!!!!!

[Courtney Frey]

How does research happen for aids and cancer ~ how and where does the money come from for the chemists and doctors and mathmeticians so that they can spend hours and months and years in their labs finding medicanes and cures?

It's because of those who have suffered and are compelled to reach out. "I don't want anyone else to have to go through what I went through and I'll do whatever I can." Fundraisers, walk-a-thons, telethons, you name it ... whose on them, whose running them? Those who have been there.

How do laws get passed, like Megans Law, laws in place to protect children, groups like M.A.D.D - mothers against drunk driving ... it wasn't someone in their living room one day that just had a thought - hey, let's do this today ... no ~ it's those who have been there. It's because of those who have suffered and are compelled to reach out.

There are thousands of groups out there ... United Way, the Y.M.C.A, The Boys Club of America, Shelters for battered women, you name it ..... and why are they all there?

Because someone suffered on welfare and got a hand up. Because a little boy didn't have a father until one man stood up. Because the woman with three children nearly died until someone said, "I'll help." And now millions reap the blessings of those who had the strength and courage to REACH OUT.

There's somethin' to this girls.

In chat rooms, on message boards, in support groups, each time and every time we tell our stories, offer our love, give a helping hand .... we are changing lives. Especially our own.

So if you feel compelled to do something .... if you have a desire in your heart .... go with it.

It's how we change the world. It's how we become better women, better mothers. Better friends.

Nothing is too small to make a difference.

Courtney

[nitty]

Lisa and others,

I am an adoptive mom to a 9 mo daughter. Our adoption is very open. She visits at least once a month. She is welcome to call and visit our home. We have a great relationship in which I am always willing to listen to how she feels about anything.

I am greatful that you have the courage to put your words on message boards. Not only are you helping others that can relate but someone like me can understand what I need to be sensitive to. I'm sure our bmom will have some of the same feelings within the next few months.

I just thank you for being real and honest.

Nitty

[BettyPsych]

Lisa,
I am not a birth mother but I am an adoptee and therapist in reunion with my birth mother. My birthmother described to me all the things you were describing. I am so glad that you felt you have done the right thing. Usually the "right" thing is the hardest thing to do. The pain is understandable and I would be concerned if you WERE NOT feeling any pain. Separation is painful. Never stop talking about it. Perhaps a journal will help. Feel free to email me at BettyPsych@attbi.com