[Jackiejdajda]

There is a thread on the adoptee section that was started by a doctor and it is about a questionnaire for medical information or something like that..

I made a comment on that thread about how I did not tell my brother-in-law the doctor for twenty years and I found out that in those years he was arranging adoptions.. or connecting people in secret..

I still have anger towards doctors.. A lot of anger..
I know they were not trained to help us women that were having babies and giving them up.. I know they are set apart from all of it and do hard things when the information is not there.. and I have met some kind doctors that have helped me..
Doctors that say the correct thing when I told them that I had three children not two..
Heck just recently I did this with a doctor that was giving me a total and thorough check up..

I would love to hear about how others were treated by doctors and their experiece the good the bad and the ugly... and sort this thing.. maybe lay it to rest..

Hmmmm

Jackie

[sstuart]

I have anger towards the doctor and the nurses. I don't even remember the doctor even speaking to me..except about birth control... With doctors since then the biggest reaction I get is silence. Or UMMM.
They just like everyone else want to avoid the topic.

The nurses when I delivered and after delivery of my DD were just mean. There is no other word for it.

[Jackiejdajda]

Sstuart

I have anger towards the doctor and the nurses. I don't even remember the doctor even speaking to me..except about birth control... With doctors since then the biggest reaction I get is silence. Or UMMM.
They just like everyone else want to avoid the topic.

The biggest the most difficult times in our lives.. is avoid the topic.. yes..
Maybe this is why when I finally went for therapy I really did not think she wanted to hear about me giving up of my first born son..

I used to visit my sister and her husband and visit with my nephew born the same year.. and he wanted me to live with them and baby-sit..
I had moved back to Canada a year or so after I relinquished..
My god.. how could I baby sit.. the son that was kept..

I was so ashamed when I got pregnant with my daughter ten years after and when I had to tell the doctor that my daughter was not my first pregnancy.. I remember trying to tell him.. and I remember the look..
I remember all the looks..

The nurses when I delivered and after delivery of my DD were just mean. There is no other word for it.

Yes.. they put a woman that was keeping next to me in the ward.. I had to hear the baby and her nursing it..
An absolute disregard for me and my humanity.. absolute..

Jackie

[stinky_kitty]

I didn't have any problems with my Dr's before or after my son's adoption, but I was treated horribly by the nurses at the hospital that I delivered him at.

After he was born, he had to go straight to the NICU due to breathing difficulties. It is a hereditary problem, my two parented children had the same issue. Instead of leaving me somewhat nearby they moved me 3 floors up.

Then (without my knowledge) the social worker was letting his aparents and their friends and family in to see him so that when I could finally make it down to the NICU they tried to keep me out by telling me he had already had "too many visitors". They also insinuated that I must've been using drugs because he was small (6lbs 12 oz) and couldn't breath. I have NEVER used any drugs in my entire life.

I only got to hold him once because they told me how he needed to stay in the incubator due to his not getting enough oxygen. I then later found out that his now aparents were not only visiting him but also holding and feeding him, HOURS after he was born. ALL without my knowledge.

Oh yeah and this was in 1994....not very long ago.

[Dickons]

As an adoptee I cannot begin to understand your pain but I can share something that may soothe some of the anger you feel towards Doctors...

The doctor that delivered me was also the same doctor that took my dad under his wing when he started up his practice...

the same doctor who always took the time when our families met up to talk to me about me...

who called my birth family to answer my questions...

who always asked my birth family how my mother was...and who let my birth family know I was doing good...

who contacted my birth family after my son passed away to see if there was anything in my family history and let them know about my loss...

who did everything he could within the law to make things a bit better for everyone involved...

and no, he did not arrange for my parents to adopt me...they were contacted by the state after my first adoption fell through...


Kind regards,
Dickons

[Jackiejdajda]

stinky_kitty

Then (without my knowledge) the social worker was letting his aparents and their friends and family in to see him so that when I could finally make it down to the NICU they tried to keep me out by telling me he had already had "too many visitors". They also insinuated that I must've been using drugs because he was small (6lbs 12 oz) and couldn't breath. I have NEVER used any drugs in my entire life.

I got tears in my eyes on this one..

How do we get past this?

Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

Dickons

who called my birth family to answer my questions...

who always asked my birth family how my mother was...and who let my birth family know I was doing good...

who contacted my birth family after my son passed away to see if there was anything in my family history and let them know about my loss...

who did everything he could within the law to make things a bit better for everyone involved...

I need to hear about doctors like this..
I know that doctor that just did my check up is a kind man.. Heck he even watches Coronation Street and was angry that the Olympics had taken it off..

I thank you for sharing this.. its important..

But still doctors who were so important to some of us.. let us down so badly.. and nurses..
I wonder if they (the ones that were cruel) understood the harm they did.

Jackie

[stinky_kitty]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

stinky_kitty



I got tears in my eyes on this one..

How do we get past this?

Jackie

I don't live in the anger or hurt anymore, but I don't think it's something that I'll ever fully "get over" you know?? Like it's always there in the background. That was the only time I was to have with him, as his mother, and they took that away from me too.

[stinky_kitty]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

I wonder if they (the ones that were cruel) understood the harm they did.

In my case I was two weeks shy of my 15th birthday when I had my son. In my heart I have always felt as if they were punishing me in their own way. Absolute cruelty in one of the worst ways possible.

[sstuart]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

Sstuart
I was so ashamed when I got pregnant with my daughter ten years after and when I had to tell the doctor that my daughter was not my first pregnancy.. I remember trying to tell him.. and I remember the look..
I remember all the looks.. Jackie

I also remember the shame when I was pregnant 12 years later. I felt so guilty for wanting to keep him. I was told for so long that I did not "deserve" to keep my DD. Why now was I deserving?? I hate that I let people make me feel that way!! I do deserve the great life that I have----WE ALL DO!

[Free_to_be_me]

When I was at the clinic finding out if I was pregnant, the doctor came in and said, "Congratulations. You're pregnant. We don't do abortions here, but I will get you some phone numbers for a referral."

So, that was doctor number one. Doctor number two didn't work out either (nothing blatent, I just didn't want him near me.) Doctor number three was professional, but quite distant. He laughed a little when I asked him if I could play basketball while six months pregnant...but then realized that I was serious and gave me the go ahead as long as I wasn't uncomfortable. When I started bawling in the middle of the appointment, he didn't know how to handle it at all, but made sure I talked to the hospital social worker before leaving that day. (She is the person who helped me get connected with the agency that I used.)

I have told most of my doctors about the baby and when they make stupid comments, I call them on it...I politely listen to them put their feet in their mouths, and then very politely correct them about the situation. (I have had some doctors who have been excellent...one in particular ALWAYS remembers that I am not parenting my birthdaughter but also remembers that it is an open adoption. She is an amazing doc and I'm sticking with her!)

[quantum]

The doctor who confirmed my belief I was pregnant (I'd denied it for 6 months) basically said 'how can someone going to college be so stupid not to know' and then started talking about private adoptions.
The doctor my parents chose for me was super closed adoption in 1985. I wasn't allowed to even know the sex of my baby. They put me under when it was time to push.
They put me in a room with a woman who'd had some other gyn. surgery. She asked why I was there when I'd just had a baby, when I explained about the adoption she tried to fix me up with her son. *sigh*

I've had so much anger about the whole 'not knowing' aspect and the closed adoption aspect. I put it on the doctor but my dad recently said that THEY had picked the agency that chose this path. Hmm so much for them not influencing anything?

I HATE HATE HATE seeing a new doctor, or did before having my other kids. And feeling I need to tell about the child I had and gave away. (yes like how are we supposed to forget about it hmm?). I think it was always met with silence.

One weird thing that happened...I had my son 23 years ago. I had oldest daughter 5 years ago with a planned c-section. Then my youngest daughter seemed to want to come the normal way. Well, labor the second time goes faster...but with my older daughter it didn't really count since I didn't have labor with her...So I had to tell again. They were still super shocked at how fast my youngest came flying out. I think they'd read about c-section before since I was struggling with STILL talkinga bout it.

[stinky_kitty]

Quantum (((hugs))) When I read stories like yours (and from the others) it just makes me so angry. I'll never understand how people can be so cruel.

[kakuehl]

My doctors were fine (a 3 doc partnership) in fact, since I was so late in starting prenatal care (in my 6th month) every appointment had a theme to get me caught up and prepared for childbirth... I don't remember a problem with the nurses, either. Because I planned on adoption, they did the (then) standard stuff. I was put under for the actual birth. (I got yelled at by the doc because I was pushing when I went out so when I came to, I continued pushing... unfortunately he was trying to sew me up, lol) D wasn't brought to me, of course. I had a roommate who kept her baby (he was 9 pounds! to D's 6 lb 4oz); she was sympathetic which helped. (Her many visitors didn't!)

My current doc is great, although I was uncomfortable at first because he goes over history every time I have an (annual) physical. And I would say something like yes, three live births and I'm raising two. Now that I'm in reunion he never fails to ask how D is doing when he asks about my children.

Stinky Kitty, most people don't think they are being cruel. They reflect the saying, "You made your bed, you lay in it." Unfortunately, in this country, sexual "sins" are still the worst offenses against society. Women are, of course, the ones who bear the brunt (What man has to say at a drs appointment, "I fathered 30 kids, but I'm only raising 1?")

[Janeytwo]

Hey Jackie,

I think I got lucky with my doctor. He was oriental and very kind. He actually contacted my case worker and told her that he was concerned for my mental health, that he felt there were underlying issues which led to what happened to me and that he wanted me cared for.

He also came and sat with me and told me that I wasn't a terrible human being. (I was informed that apparently while under anesthesia I had called myself this repeatedly).

So in him, I was very fortunate.

I understand your fear of doctors though. The doctor I just mentioned and also my current doctor are exceptions. I have found most doctors to be arrogant. About 5 years ago my husband went through a rough spot with finding employment and we were without insurance for a time. I had to go see a doctor about a terrible flu I couldn't get well from. I was so sick I couldn't sit up in the waiting room.

So he comes into see me, looks at my chart, doesn't bother to do the usual stuff, you know, check your ears, throat any of that. He just says to me, actually says this!!! "I see you're uninsured. Well you know a woman of your....limited means....probably should just stay home and take alka-seltzer."

That was it!! I was so sick I just sort of said, "Okay" and went home!! AFTER paying my frigging $85.00 visit fee.

My husband went down there and read them the riot act but we never got our cash back.

Oh and I hate alka-seltzer!!

:-)

Janey