[Jackiejdajda]

Janeytwo

Yes, standing at the fork in the road asking ourselves which route we will take. With the surrender of my children, I stood at the fork and took the adoption road; a road soaked with constant rain. But you know, now that I've emerged from the tunnel as it were, I can see the light ahead. And this time? That fork in the road? Well....it's a little scarier maybe but in this new strength I will take the reunion road nonetheless.

I am reminded of one of my best lessons..

TS Eliot wrote about a persons journey through life.. (I believe) in his poems called Four Quartets.
Scott Peck picked up on it and wrote..

page 19... Further Along the Road Less Traveled.. Scott Peck..


...So the myth is true. We really can not go back to Eden.. We must go
forward through the desert. But the journey is hard and consciousness
is often painful. And so most people stop their journey as quickly as
they can. They find what looks like a safe place, burrow into the
sand, and stay there rather than go forward through the painful
desert, which is filled with cactuses and thorns and sharp rocks..


Even if most people have been taught at one time or another that
"those things that hurt, instruct" (to borrow Benjamin Franklin's
phrase), the education of the desert is so painful they discontinue it
as early as they can..


Senility is not just a biological disorder. It can also be a
manifestation of a refusal to grow up, a psychological disorder
preventable by anyone who embarks on a lifetime pattern of
pyschospiritual growth. Those who stop learning and growing early in
their lives and stop changing and become fixed often lapse into what
is sometimes called their "second childhood". Then become whiny and
demanding and self-centered. But this isn't because they have entered
their second childhood. They have never left their first, and the
veneer of adulthood is worn thin, revealing the emotional child that
lurks underneath..



Growing up Painfully..

When we were banished form Paradise, we were banished forever. We can
never go back to Eden. If you remember the story, the way is barred
but cherubim's and a flaming sword..


We cannot go back. We can only go forward..


To go back to Eden would be like trying to return to our mother's
womb, to infancy.. Since we cannot go back to the womb or infancy, we
must grow up.. We can only go forward through the desert of life,
making our way painfully over parched and barren ground into
increasingly.. deeper levels of consciousness..


This is an extremely important truth because a great deal of human
pathology, including the abuse of drugs, arises out of the attempt to
get back to Eden.. At cocktail parties we tend to need at least that
one drink to help diminish our sef-consciousness, to diminish our
shyness. It works, right? And if we get just the right amount of pot
or coke or some combination thereof, for a few minutes or a few hours
we may regain temporarily the lost sense of oneness with the universe.
We may recapture that deliciously warm and fuzzy sense of being one
with nature again..


Of course, the feeling never lasts very long and the price isn't
usually worth it.. So the myth is true.. We cannot go back to Eden..



Jackie

[kakuehl]

We need to deal with our pasts, but we also did to remember that the past is gone. We can't change it although we can "reframe it." We have today. We choose each day how we will use that day. Will we try to break the patterns of our past or will we continue to let the past cotrol our present. If we fail today, tomorrow is a new day. (And yes, Jackie, forgiving ourselves as God has forgiven us.)

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Raven~
Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you today.

Kim

[RavenSong]

I just wanted to give everyone a quick update on my mom. She was transferred to a skilled-nursing facility eight days ago. She's not real happy with it, and neither am I, but I am in the process of getting her transferred to a wonderful facility that her doctor wanted her to go to in the first place. Somehow, the hospital social worker was able to override the doctor's recommendation on placement and sent her to a Medicare-only SNF. The facility her doctor wanted her to go initially sounds really great and accepts Medicaid and elder-service programs in the state of Oklahoma. It's also been written up in People Magazine and won a whole lot of awards for its unique concept of having a preschool on the grounds and allowing patients to have pets. My mom is really excited about this as she LOVES cats (as do I). And I think the interaction with the children will be good for her.

She's totally complying with her treatment plan so far. She's taking ALL of her medications and actively working on her physical therapy and occupational therapy programs (speech therapy too!). I'm hoping and praying that the state DHS will approve her for Medicaid and elder services. If anyone feels so inclined, I would be ever so grateful if you'd send good thoughts and prayers upward for this.

Janey, I just wanted you to know that your posts on this thread have really touched my soul. We have experienced so many of the same things in life. I want to reply on what you had to say, but I'm going to wait a bit until I have my thoughts in order. I have to go call my mom in a few minutes, so I need to clear my head right now.

To everybody who has posted on this thread...thank you so much for your love and support. I don't know where I'd be without you all....

[kakuehl]

Raven, you and your mom are both in my prayers. May God grant you continued wisdom and strength!

[dpen6]

Raven,

hope you get the placement you want. the other facility sounds great!

Sounds like you have reconcilled your fears?

[RavenSong]

Kathy, thank you for your continued prayers for both me and Mom. They mean so very much to me!

Donna, it's kind of funny...I've realized in the past week or so that many of my fears are gone now. Maybe it was the fear of the unknown that had me so panicked a couple weeks ago. As I deal every day with my mom, I am finding that I can handle this, one day at a time. (Of course, the fact that so many of you are holding us up in your thoughts and prayers is what's really helping in this situation, IMO.)

In a strange way, I think that I'm learning what unconditional love is really all about...it's a participatory type of love...an action, not just a feeling. A very wise priest told me many years ago that love is action, not just emotion.

[kakuehl]

Raven,
You are welcome.

When I officiate at weddings, I usually talk about love as action not feeling. The funny thing is that if we wait to feel love, it may never happy. If we act in loving ways, the feelings will follow!

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Oh, Raven, that place sounds wonderful......will they take people that aren't elderly OR sick? HeeHee. Let us know if it works out and when you get her transferred. I will say a prayer that the move goes smoothly.

Kim

[Jackiejdajda]

RavenSong

In a strange way, I think that I'm learning what unconditional love is really all about...it's a participatory type of love...an action, not just a feeling. A very wise priest told me many years ago that love is action, not just emotion.

And you did this with your bson.. you worked towards his emotional well being.. and I bet it was real hard on you.. it would have been real hard on me..

And now another life lessons comes at us..
None of this is easy..

Right now I am between lessons.. and I don't want any more.. and I am sorry you are going through yours..

Jackie

[kakuehl]

Jackie, all of our lessons aren't painful ones! You may well be in the midst of one right now.

[Janeytwo]

Jackie, thanks for the beautiful writings of TS Eliot! This line especially called to me:

rather than go forward through the painfuldesert, which is filled with cactuses

It is strange about the desert. Whenever I have described my silent grief, the one I suffered before I came to this forum, I describe it as a tunnel or a basement; some place dank and dark and murky. I had never thought about the journey as a trek through the desert and so I found this intriguing.

But when I muse on it I can see myself walking along, stumbling over rocks - cussing said rocks out - hearing rattle snakes and then coming up on a cactus and being thirsty and dehydrated. And in my mind I know that the cactus holds life-giving liquid but in order to reach that liquid I must reach out and deal with the cactus, reach through it's spines in order to tap it and drink the quenching liquid it offers. And that means I will probably prick my finger and I might bleed.

And so I can see myself hestitating there. "This will hurt but if I don't do this I might likely die".

Hmmmmm....that was my decision after seeing that little clock. And so that little clock was my cactus.

Kathy You are right, unless we love how can we find it. To me, that's sort of like standing in the frozen food seciton at the grocery desperately wanting that tub of Edie's Double Fudge Ice Cream. I can salivate over it all I want wishing I had a bowl-ful, but unless I reach out and open the dang door, well wishing's all I'll be doing.

Might sound a bit pop-artsy but that's how I see it.


Raven Last mentioned but most important - :-)

I am glad things are on a little more even keel for ya! I will be praying for you every day! :-)

Hugs to everybody!

Janey

[RavenSong]

I feel like I'm hitting my head up against a brick wall, only the wall is my mother...



After a flurry of activity to get my mom into the award-winning skilled-nursing facility (they offer assisted living, too), she has decided she doesn't want to go. I had her records faxed over there first thing this morning. Several hours later, the admissions/marketing director stopped by to talk with her and evaluate the situation. About an hour later, they called me to say that they had accepted my mom, but my mom seemed to be balking at transferring over there today or tomorrow. They asked me if I could find out what was going on...that they can only hold the bed open until tomorrow afternoon.

I called Mom, who proceeded to tell me that she would "just die" if she had to transfer to one more facility this soon after her stroke. Granted this woman has gone thru a lot in the past three weeks. She's gone from living on her own in her apartment, to being hospitalized in the cardiac unit for one week, to being transferred to the SNF. She's undergoing physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy ~ I know it's incredibly tiring for her...she's so exhausted when I talk to her every evening. The thing that is really getting to me though is last week she told me that she would "just die" if she had to remain in the facility where she is now.

I'm starting to get tired of this "I'll just die if...." phrase she's been using on me. I know it's manipulative...I've seen patients use it on their family members many times. The thing that gets me, though, is she starts crying when she says it, so then I feel badly.

I have been reading lately that the vast majority of stroke patients go into a clinical depression within a few weeks of having their stroke. I'm not sure if she's starting to feel depressed, if she's just scared of changes and of making decisions; I don't know if the whole transfer thing just happened too quickly for her brain and emotions to process. All I know is that within a week or two, she's going to probably ask me to call the other facility again to see if they'll take her. I feel like my head is a yo-yo today...up, down, up, down, yes, no, yes, no.

She's also complaining about her blood-pressure meds. She's trying to tell me that her normal BP is 170/90 and if it goes lower than that, then she feels faint and cold. She's extremely upset today because her BP this morning was 128/70. She thinks they're giving her too high of a dosage of her meds. When I told her that her BP was great, she acted as if I was lying to her. She said if 170/90 isn't normal, then why didn't her doctor ever say anything to her about it? I didn't even go into the fact that her family physician gave up trying to tell her anything years ago. (And, yes, he did tell her she had hypertension a few years ago, but she refused to take any meds for it.)

Oh, well, enough of my complaining. Thanks for letting me vent. Maybe I'll call back the nice facility and see if I can have her bed for myself...at least I'd get some rest, could interact with the preschool kids, and take my cat with me. Sounds like a really nice place. (And Kim, I'll see if I can get you the bed right next to me, lol!)

[zxczxcasdasd]

Sorry it's so hard right now. (((RAVEN)))

[djvj]

i'm sending you all my best energy and prayers...