[djvj]

Raven, you are doing an AMAZING job at being there for your mother and honoring your boundries. my hat is off to you....

and how are YOU, doing, personally, with all of this? are you in a state of shock, or are you feeling emotional as well???

i'm so glad you mother appears to be more compliant and is seemingly recovering rapidly. please keep us up to date on everything. i can't stop thinking of your situation. and i will say, yet again, feel free to vent on ims to me, ok???

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by djvj

...and how are YOU, doing, personally, with all of this? are you in a state of shock, or are you feeling emotional as well???

Thanks for the compliment, VJ ~ it's been quite a ride the past few days. How am I doing? I mostly am tired, very tired. I haven't been getting much sleep, mostly a few hours at a time. My emotions are holding up pretty well, though. I'm still scared of being asked to do more than I can do. Mainly I think I've been taking things "one day at a time" this weekend, a way of living that keeps me grounded and focused, at least for a little while.

[kakuehl]

Raven, thanks for the update. Actually, while we try to deal with all possibilities, all we have is today. Continue to deal with things as they happen, don't join the drs and staff in their rush to the future! It sounds to me like you are doing a marvelous job, despite your fears and emotions. I'm glad you're finally getting some information which always helps. Somehow it's the unknown that is most difficult to deal with.

Hang in there! I hope you can get some rest soon.

[djvj]

just checking in...hope you are well

[RavenSong]

I want to thank everyone for your continued thoughts and prayers. They mean so very much to me!

My mom is still doing a bit better. But I'm really afraid she's going to start bucking the medications. I guess the nurse on the day shift today got really, really ticked off at her. When I called this evening to tell her good-night, she told me how the nurse had yelled at her, saying that she was going to make sure she is discharged tomorrow and thrown out of the hospital. Now, I know that my mom is a totally difficult patient...but can't the nurse just count to 10 and leave the room? When I heard about what happened, I was ready to put in a call to the nursing director. But my mom asked me not to say anything to the staff about it because she's afraid she'll get treated worse.

I'm just praying that she continue taking her meds. If she doesn't comply with her treatment plan, they won't transfer her to the rehabilitation floor. She really needs the physical therapy and occupational therapy in order to recover. As it is right now, she's having a lot of trouble swallowing, and she can't write with a pen, which is really frustrating her at the moment.

One day at a time....

[Jackiejdajda]

I am so sorry..

Jackie

[kakuehl]

Does the nursing staff understand that she's having trouble swallowing? That could be part of her problem with the meds. (Yes, I understand that personality is perhaps a major part of the problem... but still). You might point out to her that the nurse is not the one who makes the discharge decisions. I'm also not sure they can simply discharge her (They'd really be opening themselves up to a lawsuit.)

Keep on hanging in there... you're doing a great job!

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

I want to thank everyone for your continued thoughts and prayers. They mean so very much to me!

My mom is still doing a bit better. But I'm really afraid she's going to start bucking the medications. I guess the nurse on the day shift today got really, really ticked off at her. When I called this evening to tell her good-night, she told me how the nurse had yelled at her, saying that she was going to make sure she is discharged tomorrow and thrown out of the hospital. Now, I know that my mom is a totally difficult patient...but can't the nurse just count to 10 and leave the room? When I heard about what happened, I was ready to put in a call to the nursing director. But my mom asked me not to say anything to the staff about it because she's afraid she'll get treated worse.

I'm just praying that she continue taking her meds. If she doesn't comply with her treatment plan, they won't transfer her to the rehabilitation floor. She really needs the physical therapy and occupational therapy in order to recover. As it is right now, she's having a lot of trouble swallowing, and she can't write with a pen, which is really frustrating her at the moment.

One day at a time....

If in fact thats true you need to report her. Having "difficult" people to care for is all part of the gig. The difficulty may stem from the stroke, it may stem from fear, it may be anything. But I have never heard of a nurse thrreatening to throw anyone out(not that it has't happened, but I have never seen it). Again ther could be some triangualtion going on with your mom. The thought process being "lets see if I can get daughter to feel bad for me". What kind of residual does she have from the stroke and is she going into any kind of rehab? Has she had any swollowing tests done? That def. could be a residual from the stroke. She NEEDS to go to rehab and if she needs meds for some behavior issues..so be it..as long as its not to much.

I just reread your post and saw she is going to a rehab floor. Disregard above questions. Encourage her to comply because its all about her getting better. She really is the one responsable for that and you running to her side wqn't change anything.

[djvj]

wow, just had a strong gut reaction to dpen's post re triangulation-- am wondering if your mom might like having you worry if she will comply with meds...keeping you focused on her with the implicit threat that she will not care for herself, which is of course your worst nightmare. if she senses this is an opening for manipulation, will she take advantage?

imo, hospital will not/can not discharge a person in such medical state who is exhibiting behavioral disorders without putting themselves at HUGE risk for lawsuit

take care, raven. take care of you. please.

[snuffie]

I have worked in many different hospitals and I know for a fact that no one can be discharged without at doctor's order to do so. Having said that I've also seen first hand what strokes can do. (I've had one myself.) Judgement can be impaired - its just not the physical manifastations that occur.
Hospitals usually have discharge planners that can help you with plans post hospital stay.
And please do take care of yourself. I can't emphasize that enough. I ruined my health when my aparents were elderly and ill and i'm still paying for it 8 years later!

Snuffie

[Janeytwo]

Dear Raven,

I want to speak to your inner turmoil because I understand it like I understand that the sky is overhead.

It never leaves really does it? The wracking guilt of removing ourselves physically from a parent whose insanity reigned in our lives? It never leaves.

Because we can't remove ourselves emotionally; not truly. In adulthood, we can speak to our turmoil; reason with it to the best of our abilities but it remains there at the back of our minds. Hidden in the small corners of our souls like a little metal hammer, hitting us ever so slightly, saying, "You're not living up to your duties as a child. You're not living up to your duties..."

Very sad sigh escaping my lips as I sit here at the keyboard. That old biblical message "Honor thy father and thy mother". That stuff still floats out there in the conscious and subconscious mind. For me, even 10 years after a clean bill of health from psychiatrists and pscyhologists there it sits, howling at me from deep within my heart and mind.

You know, recently my mother informed me that my father was ailing and that I might want to consider speaking with him for my own benefit. I have not spoken a word to him in near...what? My God, it's got to be 17 years now...since shortly after my brother died.

Unlike most survivors who are encouraged to confront, I had been warned never to do so with my father as it would cost me my life. I was guaranteed that that would be the outcome. And so I let him scorn me from a distance. I let him win. So be it.

But in my little girl days he told me that we are tied inexorably and that when he dies I must go with him. Those were the rules. My life is your responsbility, Janey. That's what he said. I die, Janey. You die.

Such a thing that.

And so when I hear that he's not well, it's an odd feeling comes over me. In the back of it all, I still love him you know. Or rather I should say that that little girl who was taught he was god; she still loves him. And she hates the adult me for finally breaking free...or some reasonable facsimilie thereof. She speaks to me sometimes crying out that she must do as daddy said. I simply use the tools I've been given and talk with her.

And the adult me? Well...I sit at my keyboard feeling ever removed from others. Even in here the message, "you are alone" screams at me from places within my brain. I just keep writing to you all in order to prove it wrong.

Perhaps...perhaps we are alike so many of us, sitting at our keyboards, feeling like loser children even now after years of reflection; even in adulthood when we know better than to believe the lies.

Yet in the end, you, me, so many of us....we are all different things but we remain daughters and sons of abusive parents, but parents nontheless.

We walk a strange road my dear friend Raven. A crickety lane, rife with forks and bends. Mostly lit by the sun but also with occasional shadows that stretch over it making the path a little murky at times and chilly at others.

Sometimes when the path is in shadow, the ditch calls to me. "Hide, forget, go back into the silence where you belong. Not only have you been a failure as a daughter, you've been a failure as a mother too."

I listen with heavy heart, then smile with great sadness, pick up my steel-toed Harley-booted foot and journey on because, really, what else is there to do.

I pray you understand.

Much respect and love your way,

Janey

[Jackiejdajda]

I believe we can leave home.. I believe we can act as if.. and let them be in what the consequences are..

Do what is right on terms of ourselves and hopefully let the anger go..

When my dad was ill.. in the nursing home and I had to call him and listen to his delusions.. something clicked in me.. I felt sorry for him..

Janey thank you for sharing.. and I know you are better than any of it that went down.. you are white light..

Jackie

[kakuehl]

Ah dears,
Jackie and Janey, you are both very real to me! Janey, I've now met you in person... I know you're there... don't think you can run away, lol.
Janey, I don't think you are a failure as a daughter. (Your dad is a failure as a father!) The problem is that children of abuse need to somehow teach that child within that they were not responsible for their parent's abuse. There is no way you could have been good enough to stop the abuse, because it's ultimately the parent's inability to deal with his/her own issues/anger/lack of self worth. Unfortunately so often the child believes that he/she is responsible and also unfortunately it then carries over to the next generation.
My mother tried hard to break the pattern. She
was more emotionally abusive than physically abusive (her favorite practice was a yardstick across the back) but I grew up trying to please her and always believing I failed. In fact, one of the reasons I chose to place D is that I wanted to break the cycle.

On the other hand, my parents did manage to convince us they loved us, no matter what (even when we disappointed them). In that way I was blessed.

Janey, Your father's death will not mean yours (unless you allow it). You have moved far beyond that little girl who was under his control. A passage in the book Certain Women by Madeline L'Engle tells the story of a young woman who was the victim of incest (raped by a half brother) she has been sent to a wise native American woman who was a friend of her father. The older woman told her, "You are at a crossroads, you can chose life or death, the choice is yours." I believe that many of us we are here at the forums because we are also at that crossroads. As for me, I choose life! I believe that is where you are too. Together we walk the path of life, helping one another along the way.

[Janeytwo]

Hey Kathy,

My mother tried hard to break the pattern. She
was more emotionally abusive than physically abusive (her favorite practice was a yardstick across the back) but I grew up trying to please her and always believing I failed. In fact, one of the reasons I chose to place D is that I wanted to break the cycle.

I am thinking here of that old saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me".

I'd love to meet the person who invented that because I'd hang a great big "Cleopatra" sign around their necks. I mean when we look back on our lives what hurt worse really. Somebody taking a swing at us or someone cutting us to the soul with wicked opinions and nasty comments. The words definately. Heck, all you have to do is sit in here for a bit and listen to bmoms talk about all the callous things that've been said to them to understand that.

Stepping in and breaking the cycle of abuse. Oh Kathy, my heart aches for you that you had to make such a choice due to emotional circumstance. But you're heart must've known what your head didn't. You are an honorable soul.

"You are at a crossroads, you can chose life or death, the choice is yours." I believe that many of us we are here at the forums because we are also at that crossroads. As for me, I choose life! I believe that is where you are too. Together we walk the path of life, helping one another along the way

Yes, standing at the fork in the road asking ourselves which route we will take. With the surrender of my children, I stood at the fork and took the adoption road; a road soaked with constant rain. But you know, now that I've emerged from the tunnel as it were, I can see the light ahead. And this time? That fork in the road? Well....it's a little scarier maybe but in this new strength I will take the reunion road nonetheless.

Who knows where it will lead? To my children? To myself? To a better understanding of my daughters who are with me? Any of those options or all three, the path is a true one.

And my sisters here, some are standing at the fork with me. Others have gone ahead into reunion lighting the way for those of us coming up behind. No matter the outcome I know you will meet me where I'm at and hold my hand.

I am grateful for you all.

Janey

Hangman, hangman,
wait a little while
I think I see my sister coming
Riding many a mile
Led Zepplin

[Jackiejdajda]

Kakuehl

There is no way you could have been good enough to stop the abuse, because it's ultimately the parent's inability to deal with his/her own issues/anger/lack of self worth. Unfortunately so often the child believes that he/she is responsible and also unfortunately it then carries over to the next generation. My mother tried hard to break the pattern. She was more emotionally abusive than physically abusive (her favorite practice was a yardstick across the back) but I grew up trying to please her and always believing I failed. In fact, one of the reasons I chose to place D is that I wanted to break the cycle.

I carried it over to my daughter.. and she sits with me and I see it.. and it is so hard to deal with..
I feel such a failure because I know this is hers to sort.. I started sorting in 1985 when she was ten.. or I started around that time.. I learned how not to take it forward how to allow my kids their freedom.. Their privacy..
And I guess all I can do is keep going.. knowing that I am doing the very best I can.. and heck forgiving myself..


Jackie