[Jackiejdajda]

djvj

iever since the first few days of my post reunion crash there has been a little voice whispering in side me to stop talking/writing/reading and "get it out". i mess around with lots of visual arts, but never think of it as art really, at least, i think of what i am doing now as practice.

When what you are really doing is working into the piece..
Communicating with the medium..

That quote about Picasso.. him learning how to paint as a child..

i read somewhere that for every good painting it takes 2,000 bad ones, so i'm trying to get a few of those out of the way lol. i majored in creative writing in college and afterwards always felt i had over-educated myself on this to the point my inner censor wouldn't let me squeeze out anything...so with visual arts have always been determined to focus only on technique, and not "art history" etc, so that my mind would stay more out of it.

This book is the book for you..

i find now as i get older my writing is starting to force it's way out -- i stopped trying years ago and kind of gave up the fantasy of writing anything good -- now i don't seem to care so much if what i write is good or not...i just need to write. i think i'm ready for this book.

I ache to work with my hands..
I went to the doctor for a full check up.. (I am just fine) but he looked at my arms.. and one arm has fat on it and the other is lean and mean..
He said why are your arms different..
I told him that I work for hours with my working hand and arm and the other just holds the fabric or whatever..
I told him that my other arm.. sometimes cramps..

so, today i will try to get finished with the tools part and read chapter 1. also, i don't know if all artist's way books have this, but mine had suggestions for group study - i can post them, but maybe all of them do? i am sure we'll stumble onto a way that works for each of us...

Different.. all the time..
I had a work group in my city.. AA people..
We would go to the park and read the book and then share on it.. If you can find this.. its a very good thing..
Sometimes its listed in the local paper..

Jackie

[quantum]

Hiya all,

I've been working through Chapter one, but I feel like I'm struggling a bit. I seem to be constantly fighting with myself to do things like 'mail a letter of encouragement to myself' and 'take a 20 minute walk'.
Why?

I keep saying that I'm feeling super stressed about how much I have to do right now, but I'm guessing it's my inner censors trying to undermine myself? It's like I almost feel a panic attack coming on when I'm thinking about doing things.

What do you think?

[RavenSong]

I don't know if I have the concentration required right now to focus on The Artist's Way. I'm not sure if I'm just using my mom's stroke as an excuse or what. I don't think I'm avoiding my inner self, as I've come to some pretty heavy realizations this past week...stuff having to do with what the purpose of life really is and what love really means. (As we would have said in the 1960's, "heavy, man, heavy".) But I'm having a lot of trouble staying still and quiet within myself. I'm having trouble staying focused when I read my books....

[Jackiejdajda]

Quantum

I've been working through Chapter one, but I feel like I'm struggling a bit. I seem to be constantly fighting with myself to do things like 'mail a letter of encouragement to myself' and 'take a 20 minute walk'.
Why?

I think this is opening the door.. and some of us do not want to turn around and be nice to ourselves..
It does work..
I wrote down the things I wanted all those years ago.. and I got them..

She told me to be ready when fate comes calling.. and I was..
We found this place this cheese factory with the acre of land and the beautiful trees and stream..
And I had a check ready.. I had the money in place.. I was first off the mark..
And I got it.. we got it..

She says the universe will open up and all we got to do is step through.. I did..

But its self work.. and it takes a lot to jump start..

I keep saying that I'm feeling super stressed about how much I have to do right now, but I'm guessing it's my inner censors trying to undermine myself? It's like I almost feel a panic attack coming on when I'm thinking about doing things.

What do you think?

Its going to keep coming up again.. when we are ready or when we find the encouragement we will do it..
I am not doing mp’s and I cant go for artist dates now..
I was thinking of taking the train into Toronto and going to my old haunts.. the museum.. the galleries..
Queen street.. I miss that part of my life..

Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

RavenSong

I don't know if I have the concentration required right now to focus on The Artist's Way.

I could not do any of the sorting (on terms of AW) when my dad was in the nursing home..
There was a great thread going here .. Reunion att mari mari or something like that.. I started it and I pulled out..
I had to take care of me and I had to be into my dad.. It was my time in life to do it..
And it was horrible.. I would travel two hours on the train to see him.. and he would be asleep.. or he would not be with us..
Off in never never land.. I would sit and watch TV and try and make words.. and then I would leave and get on the train and go home exhausted..

Three years… in that long term care facility..

I'm not sure if I'm just using my mom's stroke as an excuse or what. I don't think I'm avoiding my inner self, as I've come to some pretty heavy realizations this past week...stuff having to do with what the purpose of life really is and what love really means. (As we would have said in the 1960's, "heavy, man, heavy".) But I'm having a lot of trouble staying still and quiet within myself. I'm having trouble staying focused when I read my books....

What you are going into is so darn hard.. There were times when I never thought it would end..
I can remember the head nurse saying to me when dad was very ill.. near the end.. She said “You have been going through this for a long time.”

Jackie

[hollyhunter]

I've held off commenting on this thread for a few days trying to turn my focus inward in order to pay attention to what I was supposed to do in week one. I was gung ho for the pages on the days I was off work but when my work routine started it was impossible. I already get up at 5:00 am so I have been doing just one page on work days. I had a couple of disasters when I planned my dates. Looong story! I will make another attempt tomorrow, the last day of my 1st week.

[djvj]

ok, i've finished the reading, am going to start a morning page schedule on monday, and will have to do an artist date by myself for an hour next week as i am having a 2nd reunion with bdaughter and family next week! i'm flying to WA and going camping with them and 50 of their friends....oh my!


oh, and when it comes to monsters...
i need to vent. really really badly. i'm going to do it here because its the safest thread i know. i've considered quitting adoption.com strongly so many times this week as i've stumbled upon hateful post after hateful post regarding birthmothers. i've learned to avoid the foster forums, but i'm getting really sick and tired and hurt reading comments by aparents & fosters about bmoms. horrible things like, and i quote directly "they need to be spayed and neutered" , "my egg donor" and constant joyful references to the lack of birthmother rights (and why would we deserve respect anyway? we're a bunch of drugged out, incompetent, uncaring women who were stupid enough to give these people our babies). i've found a lot of support from other birthmoms on this site, but it seems there are very few of us compared to the number of other triad members with huge chips on their shoulders. it seems when anything even slightly offensive is said about aparents or foster parents, all heck breaks loose. but birthmother's are supposed to take it and "understand" that the other's have a need to vent for the sake of the children. why is it still so prevalent, even on an adoption support site, for hateful, judgmental comments to be so common and acceptable? is there a good site for just birthmother's that maybe i should join? i usually try to not respond when i see postings that i consider mean, but i am tired of sitting there quiet while the world judges us all, meanwhile enjoying the children that we "produced" for them and screaming out how they are "mine mine mine".

sorry to be so off topic but i don't think any of the cruel ones are too interested in the artists way.

i just needed to put it out there.

now i will go put myself in a time out and recite the serenity prayer.

[RavenSong]

I had a similar reaction within a couple months of joining the forums on adoption.com...I almost quit out of frustration a few times. Hang in there...you'll soon learn which threads to avoid and which threads to not even bother posting on.

There are a couple members here that I avoid like the plague. If they show up on a thread I'm posting on and start to cause conflict, I just quit posting on it and ignore them.

I remember being exactly where you are last year. It's hard, isn't it? As you read all the threads, you'll soon get a sense of different people's writing styles. Sometimes what initially appears as harshness is actually the style in which they write. But it takes a few months to sort out all the different members and where they're coming from...

[hollyhunter]

I agree with Raven. Also its too scray to think such people would be intrusted with children. Maybe they just are here to push buttons, ou know, to see what the reaction will be. I've seen some very nice adoptive moms here too. They are compassionate, supportive and they always make me feel uplifted. I know some kid got lucky to have such a mom. I don't feel safe posting here about things I'm going through when I'm feeling particularly vulnerable. Also I don't want how I feel a particular day to go down in a permenent record. I tend to seek out certain people I sense are caring and can understand or at least try. There is usually something real in their posts and something I can identify with. Hope you guys don't mind when I reach out? I don't really have anyone else.

[hollyhunter]

I agree with Raven. Also its too scray to think such people would be intrusted with children. Maybe they just are here to push buttons, you know, to see the reaction they get. I've seen some very nice adoptive moms here too. They are compassionate, supportive and they always make me feel uplifted. I know some kid got lucky to have such a mom. I don't feel safe posting here about things I'm going through when I'm feeling particularly vulnerable. Also I don't want how I feel a particular day to go down in a permenent record. I tend to seek out certain people I sense are caring and can understand or at least try. There is usually something real in their posts and something I can identify with. Hope you guys don't mind when I reach out? I don't really have anyone else.

Have fun on your trip djvj.

[quantum]

Reach out reach out! :-) I for one am always happy to be positive support.
I don't read any other forums than birthparents. I did read adult adoptees for a while, but since my son seems so well adjusted, I was afraid it was putting ideas into my head that he's just not dealing with.

Part of me gets curious now, but I don't need the pain and I know I put myself emotionally out here, I don't need to get trampled on.

Back to the artists way, it's somewhat reassuring that others are also struggling a bit. Makes me feel a little less stressed about it? I'm wondering if I'm going to need to do the program twice to really get everything out of it or something. Like not let my inability to post a letter stop me from moving onward a bit. (inner censor telling me I'm cheating now!).


Keep us updated DJVJ!

[hollyhunter]

I'm starting week two and it seems to refer back to the tasks in week one to maybe reinforce them. I'm struggling even with no children at home. Maybe it gets easier to work everything in as you get used to taking the much needed time for youself? Just don't let your feelings that your falling short of the required task sabotague your efforts. Thats what I tell myself anyway.

[kakuehl]

Hi all!
I'm not doing the Artist's Way right now. (I know my limitations.) I'm just popping in to let you know that I am following.

As far as the off topic venting, I will try to help keep this a safe place to do so... Sometimes I wonder if part of our problem as birthmothers is that we are programmed to "take it". After all we deserve what we get, right! (Yes that was tongue in cheek, before you flame me, LOL) Seriously though, if you are offended by a post, you can report it. Just click on the triangle in the upper right corner of the post. It truly is the goal to keep discussions respectful.

I truly believe that some of the difficulty is the inabibility to empathize with the "other side." None of us has had exactly the same experiences and, let's face it, in all areas of our lives we generalize based on what we experience. (In my professional life, for example, there are people and congregations who say, our experience with on female pastor was negative so all female pastors are no good; or someone has a bad experience with a pastor (maybe an abuser, or mayber just rude and insensitive) and takes it out on all pastors).

Please know that I care deeply about all of you and you can contact me on or off the forums anytime. (Ok, there are times when I actually work or sleep, but I will respond as soon asI can...I promise.

This concludes the message from the sponsor (moderator), we now return to regular programming. (LOL_

[Jackiejdajda]

Djvj

i've learned to avoid the foster forums, but i'm getting really sick and tired and hurt reading comments by aparents & fosters about bmoms. horrible things like, and i quote directly "they need to be spayed and neutered" , "my egg donor

I don’t read it..

Page 29.. Week one..

Protecting the Artist Child Within.

Remember, your artist is a child. Find and protect that child. Learning to let yourself create is like learning to walk. The artist child must begin by crawling..

So I say.. protect yourself here.. There are folks here that are dispersing and saying what they want to say in their anger.. getting it out.. I just started a thread on Doctors and realized after I had signed off for the day I was trying to get folks to say bad things.. Someone posted good things and I did a reverse.. and realized what I was doing..
Djvj you are new to this place.. and probably need to protect yourself and disregard the bummers..

But this is what the lessons are about.. communicating in the adoption world is full of dragons. And ‘right’ talk..
I have been tossed out of forums.. told to never come back.. they kept my ip address so I could not go back..

But being diverted is what some of us do.. what I did and or do.. I was so angry when I finally met my bson.. I lashed out..
In the chapter about crazmakers Cameron writes..
Page 49

If crazymakers are that destructive, what are we doing involved with them?


Ha.. that’s the question..

Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

kakuehl

I'm not doing the Artist's Way right now. (I know my limitations.) I'm just popping in to let you know that I am following.

Her wisdom just shines through for me.. it is the single most healing book on terms of dealing with the past that I have found.. but it is demanding.. and we can stop and start at will.. thats the thing.. we learn something and we stop.. then when we are ready we start again..

Once I had my daughter and my sister at a Julia Cameron work shop.. an AW work shop..
What a thing.. She has a person speak with the one next to you.. strangers.. I watched my sister and my daughter do this.. interact..

Please know that I care deeply about all of you and you can contact me on or off the forums anytime. (Ok, there are times when I actually work or sleep, but I will respond as soon asI can...I promise.

I was a moderator once.. and I failed miserably..
It takes a special person to moderate and I thank you.. and I know I have been doing that in other places but I mean it.. you seem to have kept such a calming influence here.. learning can happen.. its allowed

Jackie