[stinky_kitty]

I actually had a good nurse while I was in labor, it was the nurses that worked in the NICU that were absolutely evil.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Stinky_Kitty,

it was the nurses that worked in the NICU that were absolutely evil

:-( Really leaves a bad taste in one's mouth doesn't it, when the people who are supposed to be the most supportive turn out to be the least understanding.

:-(


Wishing you a wonderful Christmas! :-)

[Janeytwo]

I meant to stick this in here then put it under adoption poetry. Oops!

Here is my artistic contribution via poem in the hopes we can get this thread up again! :-)

I don’t ask for absolution
No retrograde solution
Cuz I won’t find any
There ain’t no restitution
Or new-thinking revolution
That don’t remind me
In between the cracks
And the hard turned backs
Live life behind me

I got people on the right
Different shades of tight
Trying to fine me
People on the left
Run down, starved, bereft
Trying to mine me
In between their voices
And my own f****d up choices
That’s where I find me

Echoed the days in youth
When some stud saber tooth
Took to grind me
And then in bridal white
When I tried to trip the light
That just blind me
In between pressed linens
And bulls**t crystal innings
The lies that bind me

[RavenSong]

Janey, I love your poem. You've captured many of my own feelings in your words. Thank you for sharing it with us!

I'm so glad we're going to get this thread up and running again. I've missed it a lot these past few weeks.

BTW, Jackie is taking a break from the boards right now. She's doing fine, but she's lost Internet access due to ancient telecom equipment. Her ISP needs to come install some new equipment before she can get online again.

[Janeytwo]

Hey bud!

I've missed the thread too. I've been wandering out here on the forum and need to get back in here to work on the dreaded "stuff". LOL!

There is something I wanted to start in here. I have my grandson's birthday today and so I'll have to post it later. I really have to be careful how I word but decided it is something I'd like to share and this is the place...this thread here.

Anyhoo....will spend the day forumlating my post and get back to you guys.

Glad you liked the poem! I can't paint like you guys. All my people are stick people. Hmmm...that's Zen ain't it?

(Evil grin)

Hugs!

[GA Songbird]

Hey to all of you!
It's so wonderful to hear that!....not about Jackie's computer problems.....but that she's alright!!! I sent her a pm - but now I realize she never got it! Here I've been worrying myself sick, wondering if she was under the weather again, trying not to think the worse about her health!!!!!

I'm so glad to know she's alright!

I almost posted on this thread asking all of you if you might have heard from Jackie. Then I thought if she was staying off the threads because of a personal/emotional reason, I would never want to put her on the spot that way!!!

Jackie, when you read this, I've missed you terribly!!!

Let us know when our classes are in session again - we're waiting with open hearts......

Man, you guys made my day!
Thanks for the update!!!
GA Songbird

[GA Songbird]

Hey Janey, you don't have to be able to paint......
One day, you're going to write that novel and make us even more proud!!!!!

We'll be saying "we knew her when"......
when the feelings were first penned and the soul's purging began.

If you ever want to put any of your poetry into a song-format, Janey, let me know.
I'd be proud to make some music with you......

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by Janeytwo

I've missed the thread too. I've been wandering out here on the forum and need to get back in here to work on the dreaded "stuff". LOL!

Yep, Janey, that's how I feel too. I've taken a break from working on my "stuff", but need to get back to it soon. With Jackie missing in action, I've been hesitant to go too deep on my inward journey...she's been guiding me for quite a while now.

When I called her last weekend, she kind of scolded me (gently, of course!), telling me I need to keep going forward...that I have more than enough books and audiotapes to keep me busy for a long time to come, lol.

I think we need to resurrect the "Codependency" thread, too. I know that Jackie was gearing up into examining the Second Step after the Christmas holidays. But then her computer problems happened. So I don't know if we should just wait for her to come back before going on to the 2nd Step or what.

Originally Posted by Janeytwo

Glad you liked the poem! I can't paint like you guys. All my people are stick people. Hmmm...that's Zen ain't it?

I think GA Songbird said it best, Janey, when she told you that your gift is writing. You have the soul and words of a poet, my friend. BTW, I don't paint very well either. My closet is filled with all sorts of art supplies, but to be honest, they do kind of intimidate me. I am much more at home with writing song lyrics and music, although I haven't been doing much of that lately. I enjoy playing with words...writing deep into the night.

I've been looking into learning needlepoint. I just checked out a bunch of books from the library. Did you know that there are over 300 different needlepoint stitches to learn?!! I think it might be be best for me to just buy a beginner's kit...maybe it won't be so intimidating, lol.

[RavenSong]

It was so good to see you posting again here, GA Songbird. I've really missed this thread and everyone who was contributing to it on a regular basis. I hope everyone comes back to it, now that we're jump-starting it.

I'm so sorry for not posting the news about Jackie sooner...that was very negligent on my part. Please don't worry about Jackie. She's fine health-wise, and she's keeping busy with her needlepoint and audiobooks. I forgot to ask her if she's been painting lately, but I imagine she has.

If I hear anything from her, I'll be sure to post it on this thread. Meanwhile, I think we should keep sharing. Hopefully, Jackie will be back soon.

P.S. I couldn't figure out why I keep running the song "Stairway to Heaven" through my brain. That is until I re-read your signature line, lol. It's a hard song to get out of my head. I probably should just give into it and go pull out my old Led Zepplin albums. (I thought the sun rose and set on Jimmy Page when I was young, lol.)

[quantum]

Start with a kit Raven! or a sampler.
That way you get all the materials you need and can just get into it! THEN you can let your fantasy roam wild.
Plus needlework isn't brain surgery! If you aren't happy with it, rip it out!

I actually think there is something somewhere in Artist's Way that talks about perfection and how feeling like everything needs to be perfect can hinder the creative process.

There are no mistakes, just happy accidents! At least that's what I tell my students. Then I see what they've done and say 'AAAA ok that's a mistake' LOL! not really...

[RavenSong]

Quantum, thanks for the advice...I do believe I'd do best if I just pick up a beginner's kit. I have to keep telling myself that it's okay to admit that I'm a beginner, that we all have to start somewhere.

So many times in my life, I've held myself back because of this darn perfection issue. It's like I'm afraid of messing up. Of course I'm going to mess up my artwork. I'm not a professional, and I haven't taken any formal lessons since high school. It kind of feels like when I was a little kid, contemplating my next finger-painting project. I would be all excited, but then I would get scared I'd get my clothes all covered with paint. I really would like to get to a point where I can totally relax and just have fun with drawing and painting, and not be worried what other people think.

I loved art when I was growing up...I loved my art classes. But I ran into the art teacher from hell in junior high. He just hated me on sight for some reason, which really gave me an excuse to become a smart aleck in class. My parents and school counselor couldn't understand how all my grades in all my other classes were A's and my citizenship marks were E's (excellent). And then there was my art class...I consistently got C's and U's (unsatisfactory). I just hated the guy. Anyway, this teacher constantly told me that I sucked at painting and drawing, that my perspective was all wrong. It really gave me a complex.

The weird thing is that when I moved up to Tacoma to live with my dad in 9th grade, my art teacher there gave me all A's...he loved my drawings. My dad kept all my drawings and paintings, but I don't know where they finally ended up. I wish I could take a look now and see if they were any good.

But it all worked out in the end...my insecurities with my artwork allowed me to focus instead on my songwriting, poetry, and guitar, which gained me entrance to the "cool" kids' group, lol. I laugh now when I think back to how serious we all were during poetry readings and sharing our short stories...how we all thought we were the next Jack Kerouac or Bob Dylan. I loved the late 60s and early 70s...

[Janeytwo]

Hey guys! Sorry I didn't reply to this post yesterday. I had been at my grandson's BDay party all day.

Anyhoo....

GASongbird

One day, you're going to write that novel and make us even more proud!

Thanks so much! I'm trying to believe that it's so and take the compliments without thinking I'm a stuck-upnick. It's hard to take compliments. I'm almost afraid to most days.

On the writing.......I think it was Thomas Hardy who said that authors don't want to be famous they want to be immortal!! LOL!! (Note: I tried to confirm that it was Hardy but couldn't. But I think it was him.) Anyhoo....I always thought that was true. You don't often see well-known authors out in the limelight, stepping out of limousines into the harsh glare of the papparazi. They buy houses out in the sticks and live quietly. Then they continue to write because they can't stand not to. We write for writings sake. It's maddening not to write. So I sit at my little computer working on my story.

My secret dream? To follow in the footsteps of one of my recent ancestors who wrote one of the world's great works of fiction. I would like to be able to honor her. Plus, she was a celebrated feminist in her time!

Anyway......on to stuff that actually matters.

Raven

how we all thought we were the next Jack Kerouac or Bob Dylan. I loved the late 60s and early 70s

Hey bud! I was going to pick up on the 2nd Step. Figure I'll do that next on another frame but I wanted to comment on this.

I love Kerouac but Bob Dylan..... It took me years to appreciate his genius. You know in my teen days, he'd come on the radio and everybody would listen but the songs seemed to take forEVER to be over and so they'd simply serve as good background music for well....everybody knows what the 70's was about (and it wasn't sex by the way for you young people in here). Sigh....I had to put that disclaimer in there because the 70's was a looooonnnnnggg time ago. Good grief!

Now though, I just think he was absolutely brilliant politically. The line, "The pump don't work 'cause the vandals took the handles". If that's not a commentary on Congress and Wallstreet, I don't know what is.

I have gotten myself into trouble with people in recent years when I mention that I believe that Iced T, Dr. Dre and Marshall Mathers are the Dylans of their time. I think people misunderstand Rap because of it's roots. But it's an important venue, IMO. I mean, sure, like everything else - some it's crap. But not all of it. Those three guys I mentioned are speaking of our times like Dylan before them.

And some of it is pretty darned amusing too. LOL! I don't know if anyone else will appreciate this in the manner I write it (though I suspect you guys will for sure), but I was remembering the first time I heard Mathers. I was driving to my sisters house and I was listening to 89X (an alternative radio station here serving Windsor/Detroit). And they were playing this song by this Marshal Mathers guy about a party somewhere and one of the lines was (loosely from memory), "Where is Fred? I found hiim on the toilet man, I think he's dead!"

I just busted a gut! I mean, really, what a line! I thought, "Hah! There's your social commentary on life in modern times right there!"

Ah well....maybe a person has to be there.

Step 2 in next frame!

Love you guys!

Oh - Hey Quantum (((( Quantum ))))

P.S. We must get some others to join us here or we will be in danger of being the dreaded "liberals" on the forum!!!

God forid!!

[Janeytwo]

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

A power greater than ourselves. This was the Step that freed me from alcoholism......though admittedly it took near 10 years for that to happen. I'm not sure people truly grasp the extreme power of alcoholism. You know? Really...after all this time, I still stand in awe of it. It is an incredible disease and in my battle with it - to save the alcoholic from themself (good grief) - I went to the absolute edge of insanity. It became a test of wills. I was going to win; alcohol was going to lose. End of story. And the end of me as I knew me, which is both a good and bad thing.

It's terrifying to realize that something can be more powerful than we can - I mean on an emotional level. On a physical one of course; anyone with half a brain gets that. Like I can't stand in the desert 10 feet from a nuclear blast and expect not be dust for the cosmos five seconds later.

But in my life I've asked this of myself emotionally. And in the context of this forum I asked it of myself in that I commanded myself to never look back with any sympathy for me. I would go forward with no admittance that relinquishing my children was so overwhelming that it threatened to kill my soul.

And that's what's been the crux of it. Because everyone dies, right? We're not getting out of here alive. But when something's got your soul because you're in denial......that's hell. With a capital "H". It's a living death. The light's on but nobody's home.

I will tell you something - though Kathy, if she reads this - may have better insight.

But I lost my soul once. I did. God had it in good keeping I think, but I lost sight of it. See the street takes a person to places so dark that we lose concern for what we are; we just give up. That's the truth of it; the poverty I fear most. Loss of one's self.

Uhmmm...I can't talk about that no more.

Let's see....anyway. It's strange to say that alcoholism delivered me back into God's hands.

Even stranger still that a little industrial clock was the eventual salvation whereupon I began to understand that maybe....just maybe....I had some right - however small - to know if my children were alive.

I think maybe I can't talk anymore right now.

It's a shame we have to die my dear. No one's getting out of here alive.
FOO FIGHTERS

[RavenSong]

Janey, great post on the Second Step for codependents. I think you should copy and paste it over on our Codependency thread, though.

[GA Songbird]

Thank-you Raven - it's good not to worry! I love our topics and Jackie's input has been helpful to me, as well.

I'm also a perfectionist when it comes to my art. My house is full of unfinished projects that were never good enough to share!
I treat myself the same way and I'm very reclusive because I often feel that I'm not worth sharing either......and really, that's just too funny!!!!!
It's lonesome, but I even keep my friends at a distance.
Why? Because I'll let them down in some way.......I may say something hurtful to them - or they may be hurtful towards me, so I try not to get too close. And God forbid, they may see all my flaws!
I think perfectionists are cursed to never feel good enough. I try to be nice to myself. Maybe I'm still in the undoing-the-damage-done-mode, following my last divorce? But - I don't have to see myself through his eyes anymore.

Janey, I feel you, girl, really I do. I found myself in the same position with God. I lost sight of the big picture - an eternity of peace and love - because I lost sight of my own value, to Him.
I was so held down by pain that I forgot the power of faith. There is a huge power in seeing yourself, for all it's good and bad, as God sees you.
The recognition, the forgiveness, the laying down of the burden, the opening of the heart - this is the beauty in the imperfect life.
This IS art on God's canvas!

I have a hard time hanging on to those feelings - my life is in a constant state of try. I know well that darkness though, that hopelessness. I often feel unworthy. Then it clicks! Do! There was something for me to do with all this pain!!! Create something meaningful with it, teach the lesson learned, reach out to anyone who has felt that hopeless feeling. The point I'm making is that God IS the "Master Artist"! He designed it all and He can take our greatest mistakes and still use them for good.
As Sister Hazel says, "I'm a Work in Progress"! Don't have the lyrics on hand, but I laughed out loud when I heard the song!!!

And yes Raven, I'm a genuine Led-head!
Love ya'll,
Ga Songbird