[hollyhunter]

Sorry guys, seem to be using forum as extention of morning pages but I found this prayer in Camoron's book of Answered Prayers that I want to share.

Your past overwhelms you. You have made so many mistakes, you doubt your life can ever be straightened out. you face the future with dispair.Stop and listen to me. I am not overhwlmed by your past. Your misrtakes do not discourage me. To me, your future is bright with promise.

I am an energy of boundless invention and creativity. Allow me to work on your behalf. By working with your present day time, I can bring healing to your past. There is no rift irrepairable to me. I am able to touch all hearts with healing grace. Stay close to me. allow me to work my everyday miracles.

I am energy and harmony. I can untangle your tangled life. I can bring peace where there is discord. I can bring love where there is hate. allow me to act on your behalf. I am the energy of solution. I will use the wreckage of your past to build a new vibrant world. You will not regret the past or wish to slam the door on it. You will know harmony. You will know peace. You will enjoy a new sense of belonging. You will find yourself well and carefully led.

I hope this will help anyone who has similar issues as it helped me when I read it this morning. I will hold onto this prayer, allow myself to be led and stop pulling and pushing to go my own way.Hopefully!

[Janeytwo]

Hey Holly! Hey everybody! :-)

I have been oddly afraid to join you all here. Feel like I'm watering stuff down or something. Weird...

Anyhoo.. Holly I loved your post! So honest and forthright...a lot like you I suspect!

I hear the geese flying overhead this morning, squawking as they pass. Do they squawk all the way to Florida or just above my house?

It is always wonderful up here when the Canadian Geese are flying by. Guess it's the Detroit version of the 'Swallows of Capistrano'. A promise that life goes on....

but if God betrayed you what would you be left with? I always believed that God knew our hearts, would provide what we needed and faith would be confirmed.Seems more magical thinking than anything now.

I have had two different concepts of God. Whom I thought God was before recovery and how I think of Him now. I was raised by ahtiests and my only concept of God was that He was the same as religion. And that that was a way to control people and make war on them and an excuse to do bad deeds.

So I was afraid of God; afraid to believe in Him because an athiest's kid has no business doing so and besides, I didn't want Him butting into my business and running everything! I was a definate little nut to crack!

It's strange you know...the first prayer I can remember saying was when I learned about my babies. I remember dropping to my knees and promising God everything under the sun if He would just...just...just...get me through this and let my babies be healthy! That was the prayer except that I told Him I was sorry for having the nerve to speak to Him because we both knew I was scum.

Hmmmm....how sad I was back then.

The Artist Way speaks of synchronisity and how God knows your heart and fulfills those needs and I am stumped here.

I think Jackie and I are a perfect example of this synchronicity we all talk of. Here are two people who meet online some 10 years ago on another site totally unrelated to this one. Two women both hurting who connect and stand together helping each other through the nightmare of addiction and its ongoing aftermath. We each move on. Slowly one of us (me) starts to give in to a depression which sends me down a hole from which I can't seem to escape. I am unaware for years that it is unrelated to the surrender of my children. Yet I'm haunted daily by that surrender and the grief of it. ANd the fear for my children. Where are they? Are they dead?

Finally the fates push me to the brink and in pure desparation I arrive here at adoption.com, telling my story and in my self hatred I'm waiting for people to hate me, judge me, tell me to leave and never come back.

And who is the very first person to contact me? Jackie...a woman who has been special to me ever since I left Al-Anon. A woman I thought of often. And here she is!

And ya know what else Holly? This was the first site I went to! And also, I'd never told Jackie about my children; never uttered a word. But when I reach out in here I find her again.

God could not help me keep my children but he helped me deal with it by sending me to the one place I would be sure to find an old friend who had been dear to me. A person I would trust and in trusting her, I'd open up and begin to heal.

I don't know if that helps you or not but I thought maybe I'd share it to give you some hope.

I greatly respect you're struggle with God in relation to yourself. Back when I joined the on-line group that I met Jackie on, I also went to a philosphy sight and typed in a message that I was looking for God and had anyone seen Him/Her/It.

I got some strange responses but I did get one Buddhist monk from LA who I corresponded with for a time. He was a gentle soul and helped me greatly. Helped to understand that the search for God is the search for self. He was lovely person! We talked a good about Tich Naht Than (sp?) a Buddhist from Cambodia I believe who's written many books on the soul and on finding peace. I think you would enjoy reading them. You sound like a philospher at heart!

.......I've given a lot of thought over the years to this concept of God and of why there is evil here on this planet. My mother's unique history probably started that. I think it's because homo-sapiens are populating the earth and we are not the most reputable of beings.

And in thinking of God in patrician terms; in terms of us being His children - which I don't really like to do so much anymore - I suppose to that mode of thinking that no parent suffers more than God does.

So many of His children slaughter each other, starve each other, torture each other, turn their backs in indifference on each other; hate each other.

Sigh...I cannot imagine a more terrible fate than the one that God endures. If there is a prayer for Him, surely we should be saying it every day. :-(

As for me I think I posted in here somewhere that I've come to picture God as this 19 year old guy driving a muscle car down Route 66 picking up lost souls along the way and driving them to a better destination. And sometimes he comes across those who're broken down at the side of the road; the ones who want to stay stuck; who don't want a lift. (I don't mean you - hope you don't think that).

And He says to them when they turn him down on the chance to take a ride in his 440 Wedge - "Okay dumba**. Have it your way. When you decide you want to have a chat about life and what-not, I'll be at the coffee shop down the road a ways having a donut."



I would love to hear how other you and others picture Him/Her/It/God.

May the Buddha walk with us all and bring us peace!

Janey

[hollyhunter]

Janey,
LOL! I'd be worried about accepting a ride from a 19 year old in a muscle car these days! Though, when I was 19 I may have done just that. Yep, that was me, on the side of the road with my thumb out.

I've never actually tried to make God be a person, not since I was a kid and people started putting ideas in my head. It didn't work then either after I tried to figure out who would have made God if he made us. Now I try not to make God a belief either. Guys in muscle cars and beliefs can take you down the wrong road if you close your eyes for a moment.The Tao teaches that God is a creative force. This is where Cameron gets most of her ideas in The Artist Way. The Tao is Chinese for "the way". Confucism was something like the old testiment , the law, and the Tao was more like what Jesus teaches. More the spirit of the law. It appeals to me because a 3 year old can know God better than any great philosophical mind. Thats what Jesus and the Tao says and thats what I have seen. Well, Janey, these are my ideas. I'm not settling in on any fixed notions just yet. My idea of God is a work in progress.

[Janeytwo]

Hey there! :-)

I'm not settling in on any fixed notions just yet. My idea of God is a work in progress.

Kudos to ya!

And lots of hugs too!

Janey

[Jackiejdajda]

My laptop is messing up.. and I have to go and recharge it now..

More later..

Week 3 , page 61

chapter called. "Recovering a Sense of Power"


Anger
Anger is fuel. We feel it and we want to do something. Hit someone,
break something, throw a fit, smash a fist into the wall, tell those
bastards. But we are *nice* people, and what we do with our anger is
stuff it, deny it, bury it, block it, hide it, lie about it, medicate
it, muffle it, ignore it. We do evrything but *listen* to it.


Anger is meant to be listened to. Anger is a voice, a shout, a plea, a
demand. Anger is meant to be respected. Why? Because anger is a *map*.
Anger shows us what our boundaries are. Anger shows us where we want
to go. It lets us see were we've been and lets us know when we haven't
liked it. Anger points the way, not just the finger. In the recovery
of a blocked artist, anger is a sign of health.


Anger is meant to be acted upon. It is not meant to be acted out..
Anger points the direction. We are meant to use anger as fuel to take
the actions we need to move where our anger points us. With a little
thought, we can usually translate the messge that our anger is sending
us..

[Jackiejdajda]

Hollyhunter

Don't even want to waste time thinking about how crazymakers waste time. I buried that feeling of betrayal along with the pain of losing my child. Losing all of my family had been overshadowed it seems. All I lost was people who didn't give a crap anyway, right? These past few days I have lost ground with the Artist Way.

She said look at codependency if you are involved with a crazy maker..

We can not skip this part.. that is why the book takes years sometimes.. yes we can go through the weeks.. but IMO we got to go back..

I don't think it is helping anymore. I'm not having the synchronicity she speaks about either and feel discouraged. I had decided not to do it anymore but this morning I got up at 4:30 am to do my pages. I need those morning pages I guess. The artist dates I just always have done. I think maybe my blocks have become a part of who I am and won't move. My son yelled at me the other day. Said I push people away. He's right but I have reason to do so. Said he's not going to be like that. Good I thought.

Again.. sorting the reasons why we are in a tortured dance with a crazymaker..

And thank you for posting the prayer.. its important..

Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

Janeytwo

I have been oddly afraid to join you all here. Feel like I'm watering stuff down or something. Weird...

Please help to keep the thread going.. You have so much to add to it..

I think Jackie and I are a perfect example of this synchronicity we all talk of. Here are two people who meet online some 10 years ago on another site totally unrelated to this one. Two women both hurting who connect and stand together helping each other through the nightmare of addiction and its ongoing aftermath. We each move on. Slowly one of us (me) starts to give in to a depression which sends me down a hole from which I can't seem to escape. I am unaware for years that it is unrelated to the surrender of my children. Yet I'm haunted daily by that surrender and the grief of it. ANd the fear for my children. Where are they? Are they dead?

Finally the fates push me to the brink and in pure desparation I arrive here at adoption.com, telling my story and in my self hatred I'm waiting for people to hate me, judge me, tell me to leave and never come back.

And who is the very first person to contact me? Jackie...a woman who has been special to me ever since I left Al-Anon. A woman I thought of often. And here she is!

And here I am…. !!!!!!!!

I put in that anger thingee and had not read where the thread was going..
When reading your discussion with Holly I thought of this from my OA daily reader..

Page 136

Overeaters Anonymous.. daily reader For Today..


Pray to God, but continue to row to shore.

Russian Proverb..

God is not my arms and legs. Its up to me to do the footwork. Ours is a program of action. The first two steps require reflection and contemplation; the rest call for direct action. Of course, I do not work a perfect program. When I feel rebellious, as I sometimes do, then I pray to be willing, putting myself and my stubbornness in Gods hands.

Out of old programming I still need to be perfect before I can like myself. But God has infinite and unconditional love for me, and gives me everything I need, including the willingness to take action. I have but to ask.

For today: God does for me what I cannot do for myself, not what I can do..


Holly… I think we need to learn patience.. and its such a hard thing to learn.. letting the other person deal with their rocky road lives..
I know this was the work for me when I first went into reunion.. I do not think we can sort the timing of others.. when they want reunion.. when they are ready for contact.. for Janey..
All we can do is work at learning how to accept life as it comes at us..

My laptop is charging.. yaaay…

Jackie

[hollyhunter]

Hey Jackie,
I got a honeydo list started for God and patience is right up there along with acceptance. Janey tells me He's riding around in a Mustang convertable so maybe He'll get back to me later.

[kakuehl]

Holly and Jackie,
I keep telling God that I DON'T want the gift of patience -- I changed my mind a long time ago, because unless one is naturally patient one becomes patient by practicing. God's response: too late, here's something else to practice on. (Sigh!)

My father (from whom I did not inherit patience) says his prayer is, God I want patience... NOW!)

[SWGAgirl]

Somehow to me.............patience means that you have hope that something is going to eventually work out at least SORT of how you wished it might be.

I found my b-mom 5 years ago. She has remained in the secret closet and had pulled me in with her. Except I left her in there because I couldn't take being a secret, couldn't take her not meeting my kids who would have loved to meet her, couldn't take the hurried secret phone calls ,couldn't take missing her life and her missing ours, couldn't take all of her excuses............ all of that stuff.

I really don't have hope that she will ever tell my siblings or anyone else in her family- except her husband who already knows about me. How can you have patience without hope? Can you?

All I have right now is anger.. and frustration..... and sadness at the waste and loss of all this time which we can never recover. I'm angry I am missing being able to know my siblings.

So now I'm wondering.............where is my anger pointing me to go or to do? I just don't know. All I know is........the anger is there.


LIZ

[hollyhunter]

SWG,
I really get where your coming from with your reunion relationship. I'm at about the same place in my situation, only reversed. I have been working through anger a lot here lately. I was angry at bchild, among others, but anger at her also produced a lot of guilt. I was being made to feel less... less something, I'm not sure exactly what. Less worthy by her? Always feeling she was keeping me at arms lenth was really getting tiresome. I was angry at myself for being angry at her and for giving up. I had to walk away from what she was offering in the way of contact. My self esteem was being affected. In reunion, both sides need to be equally motivated for it to work out. I decided it wasn't me being less of a worthwhile person, it was her being less motivated to interact. I'm glad you said what you said about patience implying hope. I don't want to be patient for her to decide to want a real live relationship, I'm over wanting that. What I am waiting patiently for now is grace. Sometimes the things we think we want aren't what we wanted so you have to listen closer to what God is saying. When we speak of synchronicity in the Artist way, its as a sign we are headed in the right direction... uh, maybe I'm not? Or maybe I'm getting too old for those Ah HA! moments.

[Janeytwo]

Hey Everybody,

I'm reading what you all have been writing and am musing it over.

I have to go off to work and don't want to write back any replies that are off the cuff. This stuff is too important.

Hugs to all and I'll post later! :-)

Love you guys!

Janey

[RavenSong]

I have always had a lot of anger, all bottled up way deep inside me. And the anger has always scared me. But re-reading this part of Jackie's earlier post citing The Artist's Way suddenly makes sense to me.

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

Anger is meant to be acted upon. It is not meant to be acted out..
Anger points the direction. We are meant to use anger as fuel to take
the actions we need to move where our anger points us. With a little
thought, we can usually translate the message that our anger is sending
us.. ~ Julia Cameron

I had a total meltdown two days ago...and it scared the heck out of me. I'm working on some family issues right now, and a lot of weirdness has been going on. The anger has been building and building for several months now. And, frankly, I thought it would consume me a couple days ago.

And then a really weird thing happened ~ I suddenly understood what it means to use the anger as a map to guide me, instead of acting out the anger (as I've usually done in the past.) It's showing me some things in my life that I have to clean up, have to look at, have to sort.

Just thought I'd share that. Thanks, Jackie...

[Jackiejdajda]

hollyhunter

I got a honeydo list started for God and patience is right up there along with acceptance. Janey tells me He's riding around in a Mustang convertable so maybe He'll get back to me later.

Theres another saying with that Russian proverb..

Pray to Allah but tie your camel..

I used to read the IChing a lot.. throw the coins.. and most of the information was how to get through the hard times.. how to be the wise person in order to make it to peace or the other side or whatever the way of it..

I like the God is riding around in a Mustang..

A story.. since my computer is working okay now..

When I did the fourth week of the AW.. I got angry with hubby.. with my life.. with where I was going.. and I told him we are splitting up and I am done with it..

We got back together and we have a mustang.. we have two of them.. one a fast back.. and one a convertible.. hubby loves them..
So we had gotten back together and we left the big city for a drive to the country and ended up here..
While we were driving here I got the idea that I wanted to move out here and we needed to buy some property.. hubby was making a lot of money and it was going on cars and bikes and guitars..

He loves to spend money.. but all those things are worth money so it is like a bank account..

But I got the idea in that car and we stopped at an real estate agent and got their properties for sale book.. and started searching..
And I was ready when we found this place.. I was ready..
Julia Cameron told me to be ready after I had written down on my wish list.. 'a place in the country'.

So that day God was riding in our mustang..

Kathy..

God's response: too late, here's something else to practice on.

And what Julia Cameron says.. be ready when it actually comes your way.. don't shut the door because you don't feel you are worthy or something like that..
She writes about how the universe opens up.. and sometimes we miss it..



Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

SWGAgirl

Somehow to me.............patience means that you have hope that something is going to eventually work out at least SORT of how you wished it might be.

I do not know if we ever give up on hope.. but then I have no hope that my bson and I will be close in this life..
I have acceptance to this.. so maybe the hope is for acceptance.. or the knowledge of the why of it..

I found my b-mom 5 years ago. She has remained in the secret closet and had pulled me in with her. Except I left her in there because I couldn't take being a secret, couldn't take her not meeting my kids who would have loved to meet her, couldn't take the hurried secret phone calls ,couldn't take missing her life and her missing ours, couldn't take all of her excuses............ all of that stuff.

Anger acted upon.. you walk away from the insanity of keeping the relinquishment a secret..

And keeping this kind of a secret is wrong to me.. I know there are many reasons why.. and I can write them ad nausaum..
But its wrong..

I really don't have hope that she will ever tell my siblings or anyone else in her family- except her husband who already knows about me. How can you have patience without hope? Can you?

I think of the serenity prayer..
God grant me the serenity to accept what I can not change..

All I have right now is anger.. and frustration..... and sadness at the waste and loss of all this time which we can never recover. I'm angry I am missing being able to know my siblings.

Week 3 , page 61

chapter called. "Recovering a Sense of Power"


Anger
Anger is fuel. We feel it and we want to do something. Hit someone,
break something, throw a fit, smash a fist into the wall, tell those
bastards. But we are *nice* people, and what we do with our anger is
stuff it, deny it, bury it, block it, hide it, lie about it, medicate
it, muffle it, ignore it. We do everything but *listen* to it.


Anger is meant to be listened to. Anger is a voice, a shout, a plea, a
demand. Anger is meant to be respected. Why? Because anger is a *map*.
Anger shows us what our boundaries are. Anger shows us where we want
to go. It lets us see were we've been and lets us know when we haven't
liked it. Anger points the way, not just the finger. In the recovery
of a blocked artist, anger is a sign of health.


Anger is meant to be acted upon. It is not meant to be acted out..
Anger points the direction. We are meant to use anger as fuel to take
the actions we need to move where our anger points us. With a little
thought, we can usually translate the message that our anger is sending
us..

Anger shows us what our boundaries are.. You learning to not take it any more and not allowing the hurt to get at you any more..
That is the map to me.. heck when my bson was pulling away or what I thought he was doing.. I got angry and then I just gave up.. and accepted..
Got on with my life.. I did not like the place I was in when I first went into reunion..
I did not like that kind of emotional vulnerability.. hated it..
So finding your anger and finding your power.. that’s the key..
Pulling away from the “now will you love me?” scenario.. giving the hot potato back to her.. let her deal with it..
My anger took me out of the situation.. forced me to look at my guilt and what my role in this reunion was really about..

So now I'm wondering.............where is my anger pointing me to go or to do? I just don't know. All I know is........the anger is there.

When our mothers abuse us.. or our parent.. or our birthparent.. a therapist once went through with me my lack of the ability to get angry with my mom when she neglected me or sent me into places I need not go..
Lack of ability to get angry.. with the parent..

Anger leads to forgiveness IMO.. (ya I know a great leap.. )
Its part of the path to emotional well being.
But we need to get into the anger.. but lashing out.. and getting whoever is doing this to us.. is not the way of it..
Its about.. to me.. having the impetus to sort it.. like this book the AW..
It’s a lot of work doing the morning pages.. and the artist dates.. and the lessons..

The only way out is through..

Jackie