[kakuehl]

Do you consider your reunion to be a success? Why or why not? How do you describe your relationship with your birth child? What has been the most diffcult for you as you develop your relationship? How long have you been in reunion? Please share your story.

[jrainbow]

Hope it is ok for an adoptee to answer. I've been in reunion almost a year - with both bmom and bdad. It is so hard to believe how much my life has changed in only 1 year. Yes, I consider it a success. My questions are answered - I've met and spent time with both of them - and I truly feel like I know who I am, based on nurture and nature. We all are working toward long term, comfortable relationships.

They have both expressed their relief and joy at knowing the rest of the story - and I am thrilled to know my history and medical information. We are all enjoying getting to know each other as adults.

It hasn't always been easy and it has definitely been emotional. Just last month, my bmom finally felt comfortable enough to let down some of her defenses and admit that it has sometimes been really hard for her. She is grateful that I kept communicating because she would have stopped along the way, when it hurt so much. Both my aparents have passed away so I don't have that loyalty issue which has made it easier - even though my aparents are still and always will be my parents.

I think the hardest part was trying to guess what was going on in the other 2 lives - and how they felt about everything. Most of this has been long distance and email and it is so hard to read another person during a very emotional time - what they really think, what they really mean, are you doing/saying the right thing, do they know what you really mean.

Interesting - Jill

[kakuehl]

Jill, thank you for sharing your story. D and I have been in reunion for 2 1/2 years. I think we both consider it a success. That doesn't mean it's easy emotionally (at least not for me -- D doesn't talk about his emotions often.) We see each other fairly frequently (every couple of months at least) but we don't have much one on one time since he is a father of four children (3 very small). At this time in his life his family is his top priority. One of my joys is watching him with his children.

[cls2445]

To begin my bdau was born in 1963...45 long years ago. Our inital contact was just this past year. IF that was our only contact I would still say that it was a success! Its not, and we are slowly establishing a realationship. This is not an easy road, as you all know a very emotional roller coaster. Just knowing she was well, happy, loved, and yes alive would have given me some peace. But I have a bonus...

Reunions have a domino effect,some good, some great and some not so good, some actually stink. I think that ANY reunion is a success because it happened.

The most difficult for me is dealing with my oldest raised dau. That relationship has somewhat "cooled" . I hope with time she will accept all of this, maybe not with open arms but with an open heart.

[bmomto2_momto2]

I have yet to realize my dream of a reunion... but, for me a successful one would be one that allowed me to know and feel that my bson had all of his questions answered and was able to relay his thoughts and feelings about everything to me. If it went no further than that... I would still consider it a success. I would like to reconnect on a lasting level... but if I can't have that I will accept it.

[JustPeachy]

Do you consider your reunion to be a success?

I'm not in reunion yet, but have a semi-open situation where I still can exchange letters/pictures through an intermediary. I consider what I have to be a success because the lines of communication between me and my son's afamily have remained open all these years.

How do you describe your relationship with your birth child?

In the process of being developed right now. I'm waiting for an email which he may or may not be quite ready yet to send. I'm hoping it will lead to phone communication and eventually f2f meeting, and would be thrilled if we could develop a nice, healthy relationship of some kind.


What has been the most diffcult for you as you develop your relationship?

Waiting, wondering, worrying. Ups and downs of potential reunion. Being blindsided by strong emotions at times.


I would like to add that the most pleasant things for me have been the joy of knowing that reunion may be possible, feeling closer to my son as a result of knowing more about him (I recently got a ton of pictures and other info from him and his family), and feeling a strength I never knew I had as a result of facing some of my fears/anxieties about reunion.

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by cls2445

The most difficult for me is dealing with my oldest raised dau. That relationship has somewhat "cooled" . I hope with time she will accept all of this, maybe not with open arms but with an open heart.

How old is the daughter you raised? Did she know about your placed daughter? Although there have been ups and downs in their relationships, one of my joys is the willingness of all three of my children to have a relationship. It's funny, D automatically becomes big brother (of course he has 2 younger sisters in his (a) family).

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by bmomto2_momto2

I have yet to realize my dream of a reunion... but, for me a successful one would be one that allowed me to know and feel that my bson had all of his questions answered and was able to relay his thoughts and feelings about everything to me. If it went no further than that... I would still consider it a success. I would like to reconnect on a lasting level... but if I can't have that I will accept it.

I hope your dreams come true.

JustPeachy, I don't know how old is your son now. How great that you know that he can contact you when he's ready.

[cls2445]

How old is the daughter you raised? Did she know about your placed daughter? Although there have been ups and downs in their relationships, one of my joys is the willingness of all three of my children to have a relationship. It's funny, D automatically becomes big brother (of course he has 2 younger sisters in his (a) family).
I really don't want to "hi-jack" this thread, but to answer:
I have 3 raised children, ages 39,38,33. None of my raised childen knew about my past until the inital contact. The middle child has welcomed my adau. with open arms and they are building a relationship, youngest is so far away and he has accepted this. The oldest is really having problems to the point I feel I don't even want to bring up my bdau's name. I am considering giving her my book"Girls...." to read.
I know in the near future she and I will have to have a real heart to heart.

[bfuddled]

HELLO group...I have been off the list since February and just came back tonight...my Birthdaughters Birthday...

I am not going to make this a long post since I am not positive I am doing this correctly

I am THRILLED to see this new forum (or if not new I missed it before)....Birthmoms, Birthchildren and Children you have raised from birth...as in a Reunion Adjustment.

I saw tonite where someone has a situation similar to mine...my BD is 43 today...my firstborn, my son is 45....he has yet to even acknowledge that his BS exists - at least not to me....the strain has been very difficult on my bd and myself...WE have not yet met...she lives a distance from me...but it has been almost a year since I got her first letter....we had a big disagreement back in early February and I simply had to stop communicating for a while....the stress was taking its toll on me healthwise.

Last nite I left her a voicemail message .... it was the first time in 43 years I knew how to contact her on her birthday to say...HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I was not going to let the chance go by......................tonite she did acknowledge the call (via an email to me) I am elated...I know we cannot just continue where we left off (lots of pressure IMO regarding my son's lack of concern or interest in her)...

OK, sorry, I went on more than I planned...lets see if any of my old friends from this list are OUT THERE....I welcome the chance to chat with any of you...PEACE

[kakuehl]

Welcome back, Bfuddled. Birthdays are always a bit stressful. I hope that this one is a new start for your relationship with your BD.

[kune]

Do you consider your reunion to be a success?

Yes - an outstanding success for me.
I went on to have a good life, a fantastic family but......he was always missing - questions unknown and a heartfelt loss. Now I know him - who he is and what I missed. He tells me he can now be himself - he wasn't sure who that was for 33 years.

How do you describe your relationship with your birth child?

Safe and sound

What has been the most diffcult for you as you develop your relationship?

Understanding the emotional complications and accepting the reunion was real and enduring.

How long have you been in reunion?

Over 7 years now. 2001

Please share your story.

Short version - He found me and wrote a letter asking for contact and possibly a relationship. I answered immediately saying I was delighted and always hoped he would want to know where he came from. I gave him basic information (bfather's name, length of relationship, his birth story)
We sent letters back and forth for 3 months. We then had phone conversations and e-mail. At 6 months we actually met and by then we had a fairly good impression of who the other was. It was a very slow reunion. I wanted to run at it full speed. He wanted to take it slow. We went at his pace until we found a rhythm that suited us both.

We have limited contact because of distance (he lives in another country) but we have made a point of seeing each other in approx 6 month visits. Originally I flew to him, but he has more access to his 1/2 siblings if he comes my way.

We speak to each other twice or three times a month. We both feel the bond that ties us, and like the relationship we have developed. Sometimes I come on too heavy and he tells me to "chill out". Other times he gets "snakey" and I tell him to "build a bridge" and walk over it. After our first argument I realised that each of us had differing opinions, & could make outlandish statements, be petty, and be unreasonable yet we were still connected and solidly committed to each other.....at ease and trusting the other to always be there.

I love his open arms and firm hug when we haven't seen each other for a few months. I remember well the days when I couldn't even conjure up his infant face, and I would wonder if he was alive and healthy. To know and to love this beautiful young man is truly one of life's blessings. His presense in my life allows me to be whole.

Ann

PS.......After 5 years of reunion he accepted that adoption had a marked effect on his life and he found real strength in discovering the voice of his "inner child". Without that work, I doubt our reunion would be as secure so.......... there are many layers to a reunion and each needs to be peeled back - in it's right time - and with a gentle touch. It can't be hurried!!!!!
__________________

[keds]

Success is a difficult term but I think so, in that I can e-mail/call my son at any time. He may be slow to respond but that's life.

Our relationship is a work in progress. We're still "circling" and trying to figure out how and where we fit into each other's lives. Like Ann mentioned, I want to go full bore, but recognize the need for restraint (but hate it all the same). Good things come to those who wait.

How long? First contact was June 2006, first F2F was July 2007 so, it will be 2 years soon - hardly any time at all!

Our story, well, he wrote first, I jumped on it and then life got in the way. I try and maintain contact every 4-6 weeks but don't want to intrude. I think the hardest part now is I think we're doing OK with each other but his bdad (hubby) and 2 siblings are unwilling, no, to harsh, unable, to put their pride (?) aside and make contact. I do think this is complicating our relationship - perhaps the hesitancy to get to close but it will all work out in time. If it takes 5, 10 or 20 years then so be it, I recognize my impatience at times but, at the same time, any relationship worth having is worth putting in the time. I do know I have tremendous anger at times but I make sure that it isn't directed at the wrong people - I recognize that life is unfair, and I think that my bson does to - nothing has felt as good as that first hug!

Overall, for me, very much a success, on my yardstick, anyway.

[kune]

My yardstick too keds....it's hard not having your other half and kids alongside you on this "work in progress" but I think you are doing it well and taking it at his pace.
Anger? I think that's part of the healing and you'll eventually find that calm peaceful place with patience and tenacity.
Ann

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by cls2445

I really don't want to "hi-jack" this thread, but to answer:
I have 3 raised children, ages 39,38,33. None of my raised childen knew about my past until the inital contact. The middle child has welcomed my adau. with open arms and they are building a relationship, youngest is so far away and he has accepted this. The oldest is really having problems to the point I feel I don't even want to bring up my bdau's name. I am considering giving her my book"Girls...." to read.
I know in the near future she and I will have to have a real heart to heart.

Sorry, CLS, I meant to get back to this. I think it sounds like giving her the book would be a good idea. I can think of 2 possiblities for her difficulties (I'm sure there are many others, lol.) First, She has grown up as your oldest child; now she discovers that she is NOT your firstborn. That can be an identity crisis of a sort for her as she tries to figure out what her new status is. Secondly, it could, to her, a betrayal of trust. She thought she knew you. (Most children THINK they know their parents, even when they have no clue!) Now she finds you've been keeping a secret from her all her life! Give her time; let her know you love her as much as you always have.