[aj2002]

Okay, there is an entire forums on here dedicated to all the people who have had their adoptions closed by the a-parents... what about vise versa? I have been a b-mom in an open adoption for over a year now, an I really can't take it anymore. I wouldn't mind subsequant pics or phone calls to let me know that he is okay, but I REALLY can't take seeing him and them together anymore... the fact that he is happy without me is killing me, and I can't have that shoved in my face every other month anymore. My question is, is there anyone else out there who has closed or semi-closed their open adoption? I feel like such a selfish witch right now, and I really just need to know that I'm not the only one.... I hope.

[LoveRiddenDad]

AJ,

I'm an adad, and I don't think this makes you a "selfish witch." The bmom of our daughter, Amie, seems to feel much like you, but won't speak to us anymore or accept our pictures and letters or phone calls. I am trying to understand and can't imagine her suffering. I won't lie. I think it would be nice if you could at least keep the lines somewhat open, but be honest about how you can't endure visits. Amie's bmom isn't a bad person; she just can't deal right now. And nothing can force her into readiness. I wish she would at least write me a letter saying what she needs/ doesn't need, but ultimately, it's your choice.

Mike

[Dmommab]

I think if it is upsetting you that much seeing your child with the adoptive parents then maybe it would be best for you not to see the child. I don't think that is being selfish at all and I'm sure they would be willing to continue to send you pictures, letters, etc. as often as you would like. Maybe if you only saw the child every 6 months or yearly it would be a little easier - I don't know, only you can make that decision. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[LoveRiddenDad]

Also, are you receiving any type of counseling? You sound so sad; maybe you should consider talking this out with a pro.

Mike

[wanttobeparents]

AJ2002,

Don't close things off completely. Think about what you would be comfortable with. Do you want pictures and letters? If visits are too hard right now, just tell the adoptive parents that visits are too difficult for you at this point, but you would like to keep the option open for the future. If you want pictures just once a year, tell them that you would prefer pictures spaced out a little more for right now.

You don't know how you will feel in a year, or 5, or 10. In six months, you may find that you miss him so much that you are willing to bear the pain of seeing him happy with them rather than not see him at all. Keep in mind that the more time between visits, the more of a stranger you will be to him.

No, you aren't being selfish. You are in pain and need to find a way to heal it. Let the adoptive parents know what is best for you AT THIS TIME, but don't close the door forever.

Peggy
adoptive mom to 2 boys

[cszilard]

AJ I know how you feel.. I was there 14 years ago. you are not a bad person. You are just dealing.. I cut the ties because it was destrying me.. Everytime i recieved a picture i would get very depressed and go into a destructive mode.. if you need someone to tlk to i am here.

[michellemartin]

I dont think its wrong either for you to cut off some of the contact. I see that you still want to know how they're all doing, and that at least leaves some leway to open it in the future. I chose to not have the adoption as open as Kara's parents had wanted. I dont think I could properly move on if I were to be a part of their lives as closely as some other bmoms in other open relationships. Yeah I go visit, and I can anytime I want, so thats great, but I couldnt handle going to their home every month or every other either. Dont feel bad. You need to take care of you first.

[BrandyHagz]

Ok, my response wont be popular, just a warning.

I think birthparents that agree to an open adoption should be held to the same high standard that adoptive parents are held to.

Before you decide to walk away from this open relationship, think about the commitment you made to your child when it first began. This isn’t about you, its about him.

Open adoptions are not about the parents, birth or adoptive, it’s all about the child. To a certain extent, all the adults “suffer” some kind of emotional distress when it comes to open adoption, but that’s a sacrifice you make for the best interest of the child.

If you do decide to walk away, understand that you are walking away from your visits, possibly forever. You can’t jump in and out of his life when it’s easy for you. I’m not saying that you are, I am only say that you need to consider the long term ramifications of this before you decide that seeing your child happy is worse than not seeing him at all.

[Jackiejdajda]

aj2002 wrote..I feel like such a selfish witch right now, and I really just need to know that I'm not the only one.... I hope.

I believe that what you are doing is a healthy thing.. You are taking care of yourself in a very difficult situation..

I would not feel guilt about it..

When I first reunited with my bson I ended up wanting to send the grandbabies presents.. I would walk into a toy store and then walk right out again.. It all came welling up..

Then I found an online gift sending place.. (won't mention any names) and now I send them presents by clicking on a picture.. This place wraps the gifts and sends them..
So I took care of me..

And in reunion I take care of me.. If I can't handle the emotions I just back off..

What you have done is big..

Jackie

[Volfe]

I'd like to say that ultimately the open adoption is for the child's benefit. So keep it open. But really, you don't need to visit so much right now, but I would explain why. You know, it is sometimes said that it is hardest to see your children when they are still very young because they are so close in appearance to the baby that you placed. If that made sense...

Now that my baby looks less like she did at birth, it is easier to see her. I rejoice in her new appearance for that reason. It is less painful.

But I've done open adoption twice. And let me tell you, I have not been the best birth mother. but his parents were the best parents! And they covered for me.
We had a lot of visits in the beginning, and then I guess it was too tough, I totally self-destructed. As he got older and we all moved apart, we wrote back and forth and sent pics. I had a visit set up when he was 9 and I didn't go (because my psycho mother was going to come). But I didn't tell them why either... until this year, 4 yrs later. My absences were hard on him. And I must make amends for that. I know they were hard because his mother told me. I've talked to him though and the access is back.

The value of open adoption is being able to access the history, the birth family. If you need to step back now, just explain how it hurts, keep the relationship open. Don't assume and don't walk away. Heal a bit but be there for your child later on. They'll want you there. I believe it.

Maia

[eqine10]

aJ,
I am new to this forum and happy to finally have some support. I've been dealing with this in silence for the most part for 17 years. However, no..you are not a selfish witch. I have to agree with the last posting though..the important thing now is the child. What I am dealing with now might help you feel NOT so alone. My son had the opportunity to meet his half brother and sister in June of this year. Ours is an open adoption as well. My cousin set this up; the a/mom was somewhat against it; she didn't think that he should meet them and not me at the same time. I felt like whatever he was ready for was what was the most important and asked my cousin who has been the liason and assisted me through the birth, etc. to ask the b/mom to call me so I could assure her that this was ok. The visit went on as scheduled; the two children, daughter 28 and son, 24 that I raised went well..the kids all exchanged email addresses, etc.. and my daughter took pics of all three of them together. It's the first pic I have had of him besides the ones I took in the hospital when he was born. He looks like a shorter twin of my 24 year old son and there is no denying any of my kids and that I gave birth to them. However..now..I've asked my daughter to give him my email address and phone numbers..she has more pics she is suppose to be sending via the net that she took and I have received none..so, I'm sort of feeling a little controlled by my daughter right now and a little selfish myself b/c now I am feeling anxious to meet him. But..I still feel that it should be up to him and he needs to meet me when HE is ready. But, I am still going to be patiently waiting and searching on my own for him. I have a feeling the time is near. I hope that this helps..in essence..I'm feeling a little left out right now. And, while I am attempting to help you feel a little less selfish, if anyone has any support on this situation of mine..it's much appreciated. God Bless to you all!

[bromanchik]

You are not selfish to be hurting right now. How you feel is how you feel. But I would like to offer this. Get counseling, join a support group, find someone that can help you process and deal with your feelings. Walking away from those feelings are not going to make them go away. Working through them is tough work, but it is the only way you will get to the other side... and you will get to the other side.

Right now, at your son's young age, each visit may seem as if it is only a reminder of all you are not to your son. But you are laying a foundation that will last the rest of his life. Someday soon you will be something very special to your son. His one and only birthmother. He will have grown up always knowing you love him, because you were there.

If every other month is too much try every three months. The most important thing will be the support though. Open adoption is a committment worth keeping. I have been in a fully open adoption since my son's birth. He turns 20 in two weeks. I know that we would not have the relationship we do now if I walked away from him when he was a baby. Nor would he have the relationships he does with me and my whole extended family. It is worth the fight.

[AMom2Two]

Originally posted by BrandyHagz
Ok, my response wont be popular, just a warning.

I think birthparents that agree to an open adoption should be held to the same high standard that adoptive parents are held to.

I agree with Brandy and I'm going to be the first you to tell you that I, personally, do think it is a selfish thing to do. You are doing it because it is easier on you. Here is the definition of selfish:


Main Entry: self·ish
Pronunciation: 'sel-fish
Function: adjective
Date: 1640
1 : concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others
2 : arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others <a selfish act>
- self·ish·ly adverb


If an aparent would have posted this question, no one would have held back in calling them selfish, because it is. Open adoption is hard. It's hard to see your child loving another mother, looking like another person, wanting to be with another person, etc. It is hard on you, it is hard on us. We, meaning you and I (bmom & amom) are not doing this for ourselves. If aparent were, then there will be NO open adoptions, so we are doing this for the child.

If too many visits and too many pictures are hard on you right now, then just say so. Tell the aparents, you need a break, you will be in contact in time. Don't leave them wondering. My daughter's bmom did the same thing to us. One year ago in August, she disappeared and we are not sure if she will ever return. We live in limbo wondering if we should preceed to educate our daughter on the bmom and her family or just not talk about it. It is unfair to the child and the aparents to leave them hanging. It is not selfish of you to say, I need a break. I can't do this right now. That is okay, but please, don't walk away without a word and leave us wondering to how you feel. We need to communicate with our children about you. We need to talk about adoption, bmom and bdad's, how families are created differently. Your presence helps explain things, reassures the child that they were not abandoned, and provide the missing part of their life and background that only you can.

I would caution you to not do this. It may be easier on you, but harder for everyone else. Please think about this carefully.

Good luck to you. I agree with the others that running from your feelings isn't going to help, you need to talk about them and work thru them, for them to be released. I wish you peace. Bye

[79nic]

aj,

(((((((hugs))))))

I know exactly what you mean.. there are days I want to throw it all overboard and walk away from my open adoption.

Openness is so, so hard. I could list probably a hundred things that hurt about it.

But you know what...? It has gotten better. Marie is three now, and she is really "getting" the fact that I' m her birthmom. I have a role in her life. That helps.

There was a time when M was about 13 months old that I couldn't handle the visits for a while. This was July of 2002. I stepped back a little.. didn't close it, just let the aparents know I needed some space.

In November of 2002 (just four months later), the aparents and M were walking down the aisle, in my wedding. One of my favorite memories.

I'm not saying all the hurt disappeared in four months (not even close--it's not all gone now, even)--but it was better. And it continues to get better.

I think I know how you're feeling, aj... at least, I've been where you are.

But please, please, please think about your bchild. I know it's hard to see right now-- your child has good parents, has all his physical needs being taken care of, is loved bunches... you probably seem superfluous... you probably wonder what you are even contributing, why he needs access to you... and thinking, if he doesn't need you, why should you put yourself through this torture?

The truth is, there will come a time when he WILL need YOU. He'll begin to understand adoption, and he'll want to know that he wasn't abandoned. And here is (in my opinion) one of the most beautiful things about open adoption: He'll look back on the pics of you visiting with him, as a child, and will be able to see that he WASN'T abandoned. He'll KNOW you love him, because you've been there for him.. consistently.

I definitely feel that you should reduce the number of visits right now if you need to. (BTW, just so you know... if your son is a little over a year old... that is a common "mommy" stage. That's what hurt me so much with Marie, at 13 months... not only did she want her mom all the time, she wouldn't even let me hold her.... But they DO grow out of this! You may be in the worst part of the open adoption experience right now.... it's likely it will get better.)

But don't step away completely. This is your child.. he will want to know you. Do this for him. I honestly believe that in the long run, you will be giving him a great, great gift by staying involved with him.

I am so sorry you're hurting right now. More (((((((hugs))))))))).

Nicole

[Just Julie]

I have a suggestion to help you through this time. Write a letter to your son’s parents explaining how painful this time is for you. Ask them to keep a file or a box for you into which they can put photos and other mementos to be given to you at a later date when you might be ready. Also write a letter to your son for them to paraphrase to him as he gets older with questions and then to give to him when he is old enough to treasure it himself. Tell him and them how your stomach knots up because this hurts so much right now. Also ask them for now to send pictures only once a year or whatever you think you can handle. Be sure to keep them updated with your own address. That leaves things as open as you can handle and allows for change in the future.

As for the pain of seeing him happy with them, I can really identify. I am an adoptive mom, but I subscribe to this birthparent forum because I identify with so many of the feelings here. Our son came to us shortly before HS graduation and six months later we took him to college. We go to every parents’ weekend because it means so much to him now that he has parents and he likes to show us off, but it is very painful for me. I want us to be alone with him. I have also told him that he can bring friends home anytime he would like, but I really prefer that he comes alone. Why? I do want him to have as normal a life as possible, and that includes having friends, but our relationship has had very little one-on-one time, and I know he would benefit from more healing time with us, his parents. So I take what I can get, and cry whenever he leaves or we leave him. In the end, everything I do as a parent is FOR HIM.

Just make sure when you close the door that you leave it unlocked so that should he ever need you, he knows where you can be found and that you love him. God bless.