[Scarlet Moon 13]

My birthson, who was raised as an only child.

Is more like me then the kids I raised. Since he didn't know who to be different then. He ended up being so much like his birth family, that an outsider would think he was raised by us.

You just never know.

Some try to be more like the afamily so as to fit in. But some don't try and end up more like someone in bmom or bdads family.

Teri

Originally Posted by Jannyroo

Hi Jackie, its interesting seeing your take on the Dr's words, 'cos I read "chameleon' for patterning, and as I understand it most adoptees if not all, do this all their lives, patterning themselves like a chameleon keeps changing colour to blend in all the different environments they find themselves in at home to make sure it never becomes a place of insecurity - although they are constantly facing an undefinable- before- consciousness experience of abandonment that they fear could happen again, if we are in agreement of The Primal Wound, and I do accept that as having wounded my son to the core.

This in turn led to my son getting increasingly frustrated with his adoptive family, as they are unable to see the real self, they only see the false self he presents.

The sad thing is, as you say, he doesn't know what to do. All he knows is that he fights them tooth and nail demanding respect, and demanding them to identify who he truly is. All they see is the surface response to life by taking drugs, alcohol, not seemingly able to recognise that deep wound of abandonment. As such, he has never found a landing place of peace, leaving him with nothing for the 'relationship' that he started with me nearly 2 years ago.

I acquiese to the fact that his relationship with his amom is one that is always going to be at loggerheads, its the only way to keep my sanity. Which means, that he and I are going nowhere. I'm ok with that now. I know where he is in the universe, what he's chosen to do with his life and what kind of boy he has turned out to be (for now). I now no longer feel an overwhelming need to impress him into my life as if my life depended on it, I am now at peace, but as you say, and I totally agree with you...

and you are right. He should have sorted out his feelings about his afamily and get it right before taking on more. I now realise that he can't take anything else on board. He will continue this 'fight' to make them acknowledge the person he has hidden. They don't have a clue what is going on.

I have spoken to his amom, laid a foundation for better things, she is ordering 'Coming Home to Self' - whether she is the kind of person that can take it on board and act on it, I don't know.

Maybe one day in the future he may find out who he truly is, but I don't see it on the horizon yet for some years to come.

But you know, as you say, its beyond difficult, and I have a life to fulfil.

[LindaSusansMom]

Originally Posted by kune

Getting siblings on the same page is difficult...and it certainly makes it more difficult for you. You love them both so naturally would like to see them interacting. My eldest kept son had difficulty accepting his newfound brother. He steadfastly refused to make any gesture or action to encourage bson into the family. I spent almost 2 years throwing little tit-bits into the conversations I had with kept son. Things like "I was talking to ***** today and he has been ........." etc etc. Making him aware that they both shared the same interests and there was something to build a brotherly connection on. When he began to show an interest, I waited for him to ask whether I had seen or heard from bson, and eventually they started texting which led on to time spent together. After 5 years it's very easy and amicable. There's still a sort of reservation there - for both - but they are like cousins. Connected but not quite.

One thing I did learn over those 5 years was that my relationship with bson (and kept son) is not reliant on them being friends. As adults, it's their work and so if it works or fails, it doesn't impact on what either son and I have.

Hope some of that helps you.

Ann

(Sorry, but this is a from a few days ago, I was busy at work and didn't get an email that the board was updated...)

Ann, thank you so much for pointing out that our relationships with our children are not reliant on their being friends or not...duh! I feel like I've thrown good money after bad with all the years of therapy I've gone to! Ugh! You have held a mirror up fro me to see my error...

How silly of me. I've been chewing on my nails and sweating it out watching for any signs that NA was ever going to open up to a relationship with LS. (He, too, is very aloof. I can never gauge where he is at in the process...) I have been nudging him as gently as I can, and trying to create opportunities for them to spend time together, (She's not terribly assertive either) and he keeps pushing back, saying they have nothing in common.

Now I realize that my misconception that in order to have a successful reunion I had to ensure that we become a happy little family unit. I was agonizing whether they would be able to develope a close relationship...and that's not up to me to decide! I should know this since my own sister and I never bonded and have been estranged for the past 8 years...)

Anyway, thank you Ann, you have given me much to think about. Even though it is ideal when our children get along, we gain nothing from fretting about it.

On another note...I watched Juno last nite. My (kept) son went to see it last weekend with his friend (that's a girl, but not a girlfriend! lol) and LS watched it the nite before last. I decided to watch it by myself after my son went to bed. I was fine til the scene in the hospital, after the delivery. (don't worry, I'm not going to give anything away)...Funny thing was, after I went to bed I had a really long hard cry, first one since I got LSs first intro letter 2 1/2 months ago.

I've tried to work up a cry before, and just couldn't. I have spent a long time suppressing all the emotions I had regarding giving LS up. And the pregnancy and all of it for so long...it was hard to look at it like that...I cried for the teenager I was...I cried for the innocence I lost...I cried for the empty arms I had, the full breasts with no child to feed...I cried for all the relationships I sabotaged and failed at for fear of telling the guy about LS...I cried for all the years I deceived my son by not telling him about LS...I cried for all the issues we will have to deal with before this reunion can truly be considered a successful one...I cried for all the nights LS lay in her bed wondering why I gave her away...I cried for every time LS felt lost and lonely and was afraid to tell her parents for fear that they too would reject her...

And then I passed out...and slept the sleep of the clear of conscience...I've still got a lot to work out...I think I will definitely call up my good old therapist and see if he can fit me in...it's time to clean house...there's a few closets I haven't looked into in a while, and the bones are piling up...

Thanks ladies, for everything...I can feel my heart growing stronger every day...

[Jackiejdajda]

Jannyroo wrote

Hi Jackie, its interesting seeing your take on the Dr's words, 'cos I read "chameleon' for patterning, and as I understand it most adoptees if not all, do this all their lives, patterning themselves like a chameleon keeps changing colour to blend in all the different environments they find themselves in at home to make sure it never becomes a place of insecurity - although they are constantly facing an undefinable- before- consciousness experience of abandonment that they fear could happen again, if we are in agreement of The Primal Wound, and I do accept that as having wounded my son to the core.

But… always the but..
A human being living on this earth IMO needs to sort his or her own sorting.. A lesson was handed to some of our children.. a lesson on how to deal with the issues of abandonment.. Some have no problem.. some have problems IMO.. Some use the issues of abandonment as a cross to bear.. or bare.. in order to use..
If a person is to go into a program like AA or NA that person is expected to look at their part in the situation.. in that life of theirs..
They look at resentments.. and then see their part in it.. and work at changing their part in it..

Yes they were given up at birth or yes they were put into foster care because the parents could not cope.. or any other parts to this..
But that is not a life sentence.. to me.. It was to my mom.. and she was not given up she was just the daughter of a suffragist that resented her because my grandad used that to keep her in her place..
My mom never ever sorted this IMO.. she just worked it till she died..

Dr Art works with kids that have had connection problems..(not sure I am totally correct but that’s my off hand take on him) he tells parents how to connect with the son and daughter.. I am sure be it adopted or not.. That’s core to me.. The adoptive family is the family of the son and daughter.. and maybe the acceptance needs to be that they are the family.. good bad or whatever..

This in turn led to my son getting increasingly frustrated with his adoptive family, as they are unable to see the real self, they only see the false self he presents.

I lied.. I lied to my mom and dad.. I lied everywhere.. I was a liar when I was using..
Its part of the way of it.. I had to find a way out of that.. I had to do it..
I had to walk into that room of NA.. Narcotics Anonymous.. and admit I was an addict.. and say I needed help with my lies..

The sad thing is, as you say, he doesn't know what to do. All he knows is that he fights them tooth and nail demanding respect, and demanding them to identify who he truly is. All they see is the surface response to life by taking drugs, alcohol, not seemingly able to recognise that deep wound of abandonment. As such, he has never found a landing place of peace, leaving him with nothing for the 'relationship' that he started with me nearly 2 years ago.

IMO he needs to grieve that deep wound of abandonment.. He needs to do it sober..
Crying in your beer helps nothing.. no one..
Getting right with his self. Is core here to me.. all the others in an addicts life are either enablers or antagonists.. to resent or argue with..
Its gets down to that.. to me..
Getting stoned is the prime directive.. finding that place of being out of it.. or calm or whatever..
Zoning out.. forgetting about it.. Its like a squirrel cage..

I acquiese to the fact that his relationship with his amom is one that is always going to be at loggerheads, its the only way to keep my sanity.

Who knows.. what is going to happen..

Which means, that he and I are going nowhere. I'm ok with that now. I know where he is in the universe, what he's chosen to do with his life and what kind of boy he has turned out to be (for now). I now no longer feel an overwhelming need to impress him into my life as if my life depended on it, I am now at peace, but as you say, and I totally agree with you...

It is difficult.. and that’s the thing with this.. You get to learn how to sort this.. how to deal with obsessing with love or hate or whatever.. and impossible things.. It’s a journey to self.. and heck one day you may end up sitting with him and all is well and all things are well..
Nothing is written..

and you are right. He should have sorted out his feelings about his afamily and get it right before taking on more. I now realise that he can't take anything else on board. He will continue this 'fight' to make them acknowledge the person he has hidden. They don't have a clue what is going on.

If he is a heavy user of drugs.. he needs to get off the drugs..
He is not in his right mind when he is on drugs/alcohol.. He can not go into that deep abandonment stuff IMO.. he can sit in it and be angry or unhappy or upset.. but I do not think he can find his way out of it.. while stoned..
Its core emotional work.. Its core grief work.. and when a person is stoned.. they do not do core.. they do zoning out..

I have spoken to his amom, laid a foundation for better things, she is ordering 'Coming Home to Self' - whether she is the kind of person that can take it on board and act on it, I don't know.

Maybe you can help one another.. Love him but make sure he does not take you out.. take you to a place of obsession on his problems.. and his acting out.. Its what I did for years when my husband was using.. and my mom and dad were drinking..
I can remember lying in bed one nite when hubby was acting out.. and having friends (drunken stoned friends) over.. I remember thinking why do I have to live a life like this.. why..
I did not understand.. that I was the one that chose it.. I was the one that felt I mattered when caretaking..
That I was the one that did not have to think of my bson because I had a problem at home that I could resent and think about and obsess on..
I had to turn around and face myself.. and grief my life.. and its losses.. Straight.. sober and in contact with myself..

too many dots in this post but I am not going to go back and take them out..

Jackie

[julie23]

i didn't get an update email and missed reading a lot of these posts.... but have caught up today!

so many of us take full credit for the deep wound of abandonment in our relinquished children... and so many of our relinquished children struggle... which makes us even more guilt ridden... i think...

but i have wondered lately if anything could really have been different.....

if placing my child for adoption changed me to the very core of my being.... then who would i have been, had i raised her? would i have changed for the better just because i became a mother at 20?

when i read posts from mothers in the foster to adopt programs who post about birthmothers...... i wonder... and sometimes i think, but for the grace of God, there go I...

sometimes people say to me, "your daughter would have been fine had you kept her."

and for a while, i believed that.... i really did.

but.... (always a but, right jackie?)....

i came to a place where i had to admit... i don't KNOW what would have happened... because it didn't happen... so there is no way to know....

this helped me with acceptance, i think...

but....

now, i am thinking that if i had kept her... considering my emotional status, my dysfunctional family... my unhealthy thinking... my addictive personality....

would i be one of those moms that the foster mothers have to deal with?

would i have gone on to addictions? would my daughter have been taken from me and put in foster care?

would i have drug her through a miserable life? a life of insecurity and instability? Eventually getting pregnant again... and again... and finally placing the third or fourth baby for adoption?

if placing a baby for adoption changed me.... and I am convinced it did.... then who would i have been as a 20 year old mother?

i venture to say, i would not be where i am today...

and it makes wonder, is it simply the act of getting pregnant when we are not prepared to care for the baby that causes the harm? is it possible, that raising the baby would have caused as much harm, if not more harm than placing?

and in that circumstance, isn't placing the baby causing the least amount of damage?

i think that there isn't an answer to the question really. because i don't know.... i don't know what it would have been like to raise my first born.... i don't know if i would have got it together... or fallen apart...

i read a statement from a birthmom who is placing her son for adoption... she said "I hope he doesn't hate me for what I am doing."

and i was so sad for her.... to live with the burden of fear that her son will someday hate her.... At least i was spared that for 18 years.... i guess i was naive 22 years ago.. but i never imagined my daughter would hate me... i thought i had done a good thing.... i thought i had given her a family... and hope for a good life... a good future... something she would not have gotten with me..... i thought i had given her the ultimate gift of love.... a good life...paid for with a very high price.

how ironic, that my daughter grew up hating me.... how very very sad.

julie

[Jackiejdajda]

julie23 wrote

so many of us take full credit for the deep wound of abandonment in our relinquished children... and so many of our relinquished children struggle... which makes us even more guilt ridden... i think...

I believe I have faced my guilt.. But I do not want to go back and visit it again..

And I know I am human.. I know I make mistakes.. I know that sometimes life consequences come with a very great price tag..

if placing my child for adoption changed me to the very core of my being.... then who would i have been, had i raised her? would i have changed for the better just because i became a mother at 20?

No money.. no insurance.. for me.
A baby needs money and medical help.. If a baby has real bad problems then that baby needs the best of care.. Physical care.. real care..
I lived in Florida and I was struggling..
I am thinking that if I had of stuck it out at school and gotten a proper education it would have been different.. If I had of been a sensible soul..
If I had not of been so frightened..

sometimes people say to me, "your daughter would have been fine had you kept her."

I do not think my son would have been fine if I had of kept him.. It was impossible anyway even if I had of kept him near my parents who were in the secrecy mode..
No support group.. no money .. no insurance.. no medical help..
I was living on the edge before I got pregnant.. moving all the time.. looking for something.

now, i am thinking that if i had kept her... considering my emotional status, my dysfunctional family... my unhealthy thinking... my addictive personality....

would i be one of those moms that the foster mothers have to deal with?

would i have gone on to addictions? would my daughter have been taken from me and put in foster care?

I got stoned in 1968.. It was the thing to do.. I tuned in and dropped out..
I am glad I did it.. I went to the concerts.. I went to the love-ins in the park.. I lived in a house with others that had tuned in and dropped out..
It was part of my development as a human being.. I could not have taken my son to all this..
So I guess I would have been living in Florida and working and struggling and leaving him for long periods of time with babysitters..
Tho I do not know how I could have paid for them..

And yes I may have resented him.. been angry about the life restrictions..
I was not prepared to raise a child..

would i have drug her through a miserable life? a life of insecurity and instability? Eventually getting pregnant again... and again... and finally placing the third or fourth baby for adoption?

if placing a baby for adoption changed me.... and I am convinced it did.... then who would i have been as a 20 year old mother?

i venture to say, i would not be where i am today...

It scared me.. the experience scared me.. I worked after that.. I worked at building a career.. for a couple of years.. before I tuned out..
Again..
I have always found this life hard.. I still find it hard.

and it makes wonder, is it simply the act of getting pregnant when we are not prepared to care for the baby that causes the harm? is it possible, that raising the baby would have caused as much harm, if not more harm than placing?

and in that circumstance, isn't placing the baby causing the least amount of damage?

I think so..

how ironic, that my daughter grew up hating me.... how very very sad.

I don't understand this hate.. some adoptees have..
I read it.. and I am subject to it.. but I don't understand it.. Life is tough.. we are human..

Jackie

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

Jannyroo wrote
But… always the but.. A human being living on this earth IMO needs to sort his or her own sorting.. A lesson was handed to some of our children.. a lesson on how to deal with the issues of abandonment.. Some have no problem.. some have problems IMO.. Some use the issues of abandonment as a cross to bear.. or bare.. in order to use.. If a person is to go into a program like AA or NA that person is expected to look at their part in the situation.. in that life of theirs.. They look at resentments.. and then see their part in it.. and work at changing their part in it..

Yes they were given up at birth or yes they were put into foster care because the parents could not cope.. or any other parts to this..But that is not a life sentence.. to me.. It was to my mom.. and she was not given up she was just the daughter of a suffragist that resented her because my grandad used that to keep her in her place.. My mom never ever sorted this IMO.. she just worked it till she died..

Dr Art works with kids that have had connection problems..(not sure I am totally correct but that’s my off hand take on him) he tells parents how to connect with the son and daughter.. I am sure be it adopted or not.. That’s core to me.. The adoptive family is the family of the son and daughter.. and maybe the acceptance needs to be that they are the family.. good bad or whatever..

I lied.. I lied to my mom and dad.. I lied everywhere.. I was a liar when I was using.. Its part of the way of it.. I had to find a way out of that.. I had to do it..
I had to walk into that room of NA.. Narcotics Anonymous.. and admit I was an addict.. and say I needed help with my lies..

IMO he needs to grieve that deep wound of abandonment.. He needs to do it sober.. Crying in your beer helps nothing.. no one.. Getting right with his self. Is core here to me.. all the others in an addicts life are either enablers or antagonists.. to resent or argue with.. Its gets down to that.. to me.. Getting stoned is the prime directive.. finding that place of being out of it.. or calm or whatever.. Zoning out.. forgetting about it.. Its like a squirrel cage..

Who knows.. what is going to happen..

It is difficult.. and that’s the thing with this.. You get to learn how to sort this.. how to deal with obsessing with love or hate or whatever.. and impossible things.. It’s a journey to self.. and heck one day you may end up sitting with him and all is well and all things are well.. Nothing is written..

If he is a heavy user of drugs.. he needs to get off the drugs.. He is not in his right mind when he is on drugs/alcohol.. He can not go into that deep abandonment stuff IMO.. he can sit in it and be angry or unhappy or upset.. but I do not think he can find his way out of it.. while stoned.. Its core emotional work.. Its core grief work.. and when a person is stoned.. they do not do core.. they do zoning out..

Maybe you can help one another.. Love him but make sure he does not take you out.. take you to a place of obsession on his problems.. and his acting out.. Its what I did for years when my husband was using.. and my mom and dad were drinking.. I can remember lying in bed one nite when hubby was acting out.. and having friends (drunken stoned friends) over.. I remember thinking why do I have to live a life like this.. why.. I did not understand.. that I was the one that chose it.. I was the one that felt I mattered when caretaking.. That I was the one that did not have to think of my bson because I had a problem at home that I could resent and think about and obsess on.. I had to turn around and face myself.. and grief my life.. and its losses.. Straight.. sober and in contact with myself..

Jackie

Dear Jackie,

I've read your reply to my post and your subsequent post to another and I really respond in my heart to what you say, but I just don't seem to have been able to put words to the screen lately. Its all true, what you say, about my son and his drugs etc, but I can't make anything happen, I feel so impotent, because whilst he is making bummer decisions or worst still, none at all, I am ineffective, I am the 'mother' who is no mother at all, and whilst this thread is about mothers who went to go on and have more children, I couldn't, didn't, couldn't even manage a half decent relationship, so marriage has proved out of the question. I have been too messed up.

I may not have done the drugs as you did, but I would wake up with the guy in my life asleep over 20 years ago and think "why am I here?" - I would argue, and fight and create trauma - to try and get him to 'prove' that he loved me - the very trauma that my son is creating now. We are so alike it is frightening, but its a place I left behind and he threatens to take me back and I don't want to go there Jackie.

I have managed 5 weeks without contacting him and I felt it was going to be permanent, but as my journal shows with my entry today, it has proved - not possible. Its as if time stopped.... then when time started ticking, my health slowed down and has just about... stopped and I can't get my immune system to kick back in, because I feel without hope, without hope that I can ever be anything to this person, other than a punch bag for him to take his emotions out on when things are not good at home.

When things are good, I hardly hear from him, its as if I'm the one person he wants to vent and moan to about the very things he loves and yet hates and yet needs. I can't bear the cul de sac I find myself in.

So Jackie, thanks for your thoughts, I appreciate your directness and honesty. However, I do feel impotent with them, as the bottom line is, as I see it, it has to come from him. That time seems a long way away, like a ship that isn't even on the horizon no matter how far I strain my eyes out to sea.

How can one take care of one's restlessness, one's inability to control one's body functions that threaten to seize up on me? At times, I feel literal pain in my heart or in my chest and I think my *** am I going to die with the sheer pain and hurt of all this?

I had an accidental overdose of anti histamine earlier on this week - not serious, but my stomach felt dreadful and I've had to rest the past 3-4 days and not take any medication whatsoever. I kept thinking, that my life or his could end and what would all of this have been for? Such helplessness and I'm not that kind of person, but I'm obsessing again, and I don't want to be there.

What to do? I'm a strong independent person and yet in reunion, I feel I'm being controlled by a force I don't understand, I don't wish to acquiese to and making me a good strong woman in some ways and yet one that caves in and yields at other times, putting me at his mercy. I hate it. Five weeks is all that I could manage. Some have to wait MONTHS for replies from their siblings. My goodness, I feel pathetic.

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

Maybe you can help one another.. Love him but make sure he does not take you out.. take you to a place of obsession on his problems.. and his acting out..

such an important point - but I just can't figure out how to balance my mind, with my actions, with the emotions that surface. How many YEARS does this take, when I'm trying to cope with days and weeks and finding it soooooo hard????

p.s Just saw a phrase of yours Jackie on another post, so came back to this one...

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

And know you have the rest of your life to sort this

- why does it just not feel like it???

[Jackiejdajda]

Jannyroo

I've read your reply to my post and your subsequent post to another and I really respond in my heart to what you say, but I just don't seem to have been able to put words to the screen lately. Its all true, what you say, about my son and his drugs etc, but I can't make anything happen, I feel so impotent, because whilst he is making bummer decisions or worst still, none at all, I am ineffective..

What I have been telling you is pure Alanon (to the best of my knowledge and 'take what you want and leave the rest' applies to all of what I write).. I have been saying to you what an Alanon sponsor would say..
This information comes from women and men that understand the helplessness you feel around what is happening on terms of your bson and his addiction to drugs..

The first step says.. you can do nothing other than surrender to the inability to change him and then in turn work on yourself..

I may not have done the drugs as you did, but I would wake up with the guy in my life asleep over 20 years ago and think "why am I here?" - I would argue, and fight and create trauma - to try and get him to 'prove' that he loved me - the very trauma that my son is creating now. We are so alike it is frightening, but its a place I left behind and he threatens to take me back and I don't want to go there Jackie.

His trauma is his.. he needs to sort it himself.. that is the bottom line answer to all of this..
You can only take care of yourself.. and you can not control his recovery or whether he makes a decision to recover..

When a person does the fourth step in Alanon a person puts down his or her resentments.. and then looks at his/her part in it..

Its about finding what is yours to sort.. then you can deal with your bson..

Get right with you.. because then you can help him.. show by example.. etc..
Two people unable to cope helps no one.. it does not help them.. certainly..

I have managed 5 weeks without contacting him and I felt it was going to be permanent, but as my journal shows with my entry today, it has proved - not possible. Its as if time stopped.... then when time started ticking, my health slowed down and has just about... stopped and I can't get my immune system to kick back in, because I feel without hope, without hope that I can ever be anything to this person, other than a punch bag for him to take his emotions out on when things are not good at home.

It may take time.. and two steps forward and one step back scenario aplies maybe.. if needs must contact him.. but you have knowledge now.. knowledge about paying attention.. about seeing the joy in life.. Its not going to happen all at once..
For me it was I woke up one day and some of the grief was gone..

When things are good, I hardly hear from him, its as if I'm the one person he wants to vent and moan to about the very things he loves and yet hates and yet needs. I can't bear the cul de sac I find myself in.

When you are strong.. when you have gotten over the disappointment.. you can hear him.. and say "I am so sorry" and then get on with it.. get on with your day.. and not allow yourself to be emotionally taken out..

We or I can not spend my life concentrating on someone that is acting out or is in a addiction that takes them away from sorting what they need to sort..

The only way out is through.. you got to acknowledge and actually do the pain.. IMO

So Jackie, thanks for your thoughts, I appreciate your directness and honesty. However, I do feel impotent with them, as the bottom line is, as I see it, it has to come from him. That time seems a long way away, like a ship that isn't even on the horizon no matter how far I strain my eyes out to sea.

You can not crawl into his head and shake him and tell him to stop it..
What you can do is get on with your life..

How can one take care of one's restlessness, one's inability to control one's body functions that threaten to seize up on me? At times, I feel literal pain in my heart or in my chest and I think my *** am I going to die with the sheer pain and hurt of all this?

It will pass. It passed for me.
Keep telling yourself when you hit bottom that you will come through it..

I had an accidental overdose of anti histamine earlier on this week - not serious, but my stomach felt dreadful and I've had to rest the past 3-4 days and not take any medication whatsoever. I kept thinking, that my life or his could end and what would all of this have been for? Such helplessness and I'm not that kind of person, but I'm obsessing again, and I don't want to be there.

We do not know what all this is for.. I like to think there is a plan a reason.. but it is beyond me..
We have kids and the kids do what they must.. My kids are beyond me right now.. and I want so badly for them to be okay.. but all I can do is pray..

What to do? I'm a strong independent person and yet in reunion, I feel I'm being controlled by a force I don't understand, I don't wish to acquiese to and making me a good strong woman in some ways and yet one that caves in and yields at other times, putting me at his mercy. I hate it. Five weeks is all that I could manage. Some have to wait MONTHS for replies from their siblings. My goodness, I feel pathetic.

This to me is loss.. Loss of what you wanted.. loss of your dreams..

Getting yourself through it is the prime directive and if you want to contact your bson.. do it.. give yourself a break..
But learn how to not be shaken to your core by him..

Is it failure? Is it guilt? Do you feel guilty that you are the cause?
What is the core root of this? Maybe journal about it.. hand to paper.. write it down..
Sort the why of it..

- but I just can't figure out how to balance my mind, with my actions, with the emotions that surface. How many YEARS does this take, when I'm trying to cope with days and weeks and finding it soooooo hard????

I swear one day .. it will be easier..
We have a special double whammy.. The disappointment of a reunion that is not our dream reunion and the unresolved issues of the past..

This is big.. and you were unlucky that you did not get an easy reunion.. you got a bson that is into some hard places..

p.s Just saw a phrase of yours Jackie on another post, so came back to this one...

You have the rest of your life to sort this..

- why does it just not feel like it???

You are in the middle of it..

I remember when I got sick of feeling sad.. I remember thinking.. jeez am I getting better?

Jackie

[kakuehl]

Hi all,
I've followed this thread although I haven't posted much. Somehow I'm not at a place right now where I can put the words together to share on this topic.

I have had a couple thoughts however. I think sometimes having other (grown) children has helped me in my relationship with D. (I know that's the opposite from the original question.) From my kids (who are 29 & 31 right now), as well as from my relationship with my parents as an adult, I have learned (mostly) to be pretty hands off. I try to be there when they need/want me but I offer advice/help only (well mostly only) when they ask. I try to be the same in D's life. Sometimes it works better than others! I also have to admit that the fact that D seems to have worked through most of his own issues and is accepting of me as I am also helps. (He has worked through most of his adolescent issues with his parents and now has a good relationship with them.)

All of this makes it sound like things are easy for me, and for D. Comparatively speaking, that is true. However, it is still a roller coaster or maybe like a field of land mines!. We don't know each other, because we didn't grow up together. (Not that my other 2 know me completely!) We don't know each other's triggers. I'm probably in a better position, because I've realized how much like me he is (although there's a lot of his bdad in there too). And of course there are other situations in our lives (the 3 kids under 3, my current difficulties at work) that effect the relationship.

Adoption and its fall out is something we will deal with each day. Yesterday is past; tomorrow is not yet here; today is all we have. That can be a freeing thought. As Jackie says, none of us can change the other. We can only (with great effort) change ourselves. Recognise that when we do make changes in our own lives we meet resistance (the push to change back) from others (like when we set boundaries for relationships) as well as from ourselves (new is unsettling - the old way, even when dysfunactional, is more comfortable.

Janny, you are in my heart and my prayers. My hope is that you will find peace.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

Jannyroo
What I have been telling you is pure Alanon .... 'take what you want and leave the rest' ... an Alanon sponsor would say.. This information comes from women and men that understand the helplessness you feel around what is happening on terms of your bson and his addiction to drugs..

The first step says.. you can do nothing other than surrender to the inability to change him and then in turn work on yourself.. His trauma is his.. he needs to sort it himself.. that is the bottom line answer to all of this.. You can only take care of yourself.. and you can not control his recovery or whether he makes a decision to recover..

When a person does the fourth step in Alanon a person puts down his or her resentments.. and then looks at his/her part in it..

Its about finding what is yours to sort.. then you can deal with your bson.. Get right with you.. because then you can help him.. show by example.. etc..
Two people unable to cope helps no one.. it does not help them.. certainly..

It may take time.. and two steps forward and one step back scenario aplies maybe.. if needs must contact him.. but you have knowledge now.. knowledge about paying attention.. about seeing the joy in life.. Its not going to happen all at once..
For me it was I woke up one day and some of the grief was gone..

When you are strong.. when you have gotten over the disappointment.. you can hear him.. and say "I am so sorry" and then get on with it.. get on with your day.. and not allow yourself to be emotionally taken out..

We or I can not spend my life concentrating on someone that is acting out or is in a addiction that takes them away from sorting what they need to sort..

The only way out is through.. you got to acknowledge and actually do the pain.. IMO You can not crawl into his head and shake him and tell him to stop it..
What you can do is get on with your life..

It will pass. It passed for me. Keep telling yourself when you hit bottom that you will come through it..

We do not know what all this is for.. I like to think there is a plan a reason.. but it is beyond me..
We have kids and the kids do what they must.. My kids are beyond me right now.. and I want so badly for them to be okay.. but all I can do is pray..

This to me is loss.. Loss of what you wanted.. loss of your dreams..

Getting yourself through it is the prime directive and if you want to contact your bson.. do it.. give yourself a break.. But learn how to not be shaken to your core by him..

Is it failure? Is it guilt? Do you feel guilty that you are the cause? What is the core root of this? Maybe journal about it.. hand to paper.. write it down..
Sort the why of it.. I swear one day .. it will be easier.. We have a special double whammy.. The disappointment of a reunion that is not our dream reunion and the unresolved issues of the past..

This is big.. and you were unlucky that you did not get an easy reunion.. you got a bson that is into some hard places..

You are in the middle of it..

I remember when I got sick of feeling sad.. I remember thinking.. jeez am I getting better?

Jackie

Jackie, i can't tell you how incredibly grateful I am with what you have written and the comfort you have given me, and more strength to understand what is going on and thus cope. All good stuff - all of it, I can't single anything out, all of it has helped. Thank you so much. Words fail me. (((hugs)))) dear friend, Janny