[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

My bson stumbles over the name birthmother..

My daughter uses the term in order to tell who I am with her friends.. especially the adopted ones..

I think of myself as my bsons birthmom and I worry that I am wrong in thinking this way.. and if there is some trigger lurking inside me.. about this..
And heck this feeds into the generational effect.. the hidden stuff in the mom.. and the kids sensing it.

Jackie

The word birth mother, does/can/could regulate us to a lower catagory. It was meant to describe our postion or lack of it in our birth childs life. Not meant in a bad way. But for some people it does take us out of the running for mother.

For some,(few) relinquishing a child makes us unworthy of being called mother. This has been said to me.

When in reality, phsyically, emotionally, we were the mother, in body, soul and love. We are the first one who was the child's mother. There is no word in the world that can change that.

Do to circumstances we didn't raise our child. We are not the mother under the law.

I told my son that sometimes in explaining something I will use the term birthmother or birth son, or raised kids opposed to adopted son.

He said, don't. Just tell them you have 3 kids, period.
Usually I do. I have 3 children, I just didn't raise one.

The longer we are in reunion, the easier it is to say. The more I learned about his adoption the less quilty I feel about saying, I am his mother.

Not every reunion will be like mine. Some will be even better, some will be worse, some will not happen at all.

Good luck

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

Stand knee deep in the flow of life and pay attention.. The act of paying attention is the healing..

Paying attention to our feelings and not pushing them back.. allowing them to come out and know they will change.. and we can work into and through them..

Paying attention to the beauty around us.. when the going is really hard..

That is me being in right now.. bringing me back.. from the dark places..

I embrace the grief now.. I almost like the feeling of it.. It takes me to depths of me..Jackie..

Jackie, I have listened to what you said about stand knee deep.. and pay attention. I have and its woken me to what IS happening rather than what ISN'T happening. What I'd hoped for is now consigned to the realms of fantasy - it just ain't happening. I'm grieving the loss of what I could have been for my son, the relationship we COULD have had, but it just isn't happening and doesn't show any signs of happening either.

I've spent the past few weeks embracing the grief including that of what is NOT happening, but at the same time, adjusting to the new me that is surfacing. Like you, I am pleased with the person I am finding. I go out, I notice, I make notes, I am coming alive. Brockbaby started us on 3 nice things a day. Each day explodes with 10 or more, which I put in my diary.

I"ve recently been contacted by a guy whom I met last July and he phoned me last Monday.

He is amazingly poetic and his poems that he emailed me have taken me to another place. I am reciprocating his poetry with depths of my own that I haven't revealed for quite some years. It may not be romantic, but it in a platonic kind of way, it is, sorta.

The real me and all its facets and depths are surfacing, and I'm quite enjoying it. The feelings I faced ... well, I didn't push them back. I allowed them to surface. They were not particularly pleasant, in fact they were outright horrible. But by working through them and allowing them, they got to me a place that I am happy to be now. Perhaps some work still to be done, but I am happy, as I'm finding new facets of the person that was buried under grief for far too long. That had to stop. I have been healing since April 2006 when my son found me and I've made adjustments to relinquish the pain that reunion and his defenses are inflicting on me.

Thirty years is enough thank you. No more. I'm not willing to participate in what I can only describe as a war zone. I don't want to be here any more thanks. Sorry, but change it (son) into a peaceful, gentle, considerate zone and I may just want to come and join you.... I've had too many mines depthcharge and he's left me to get on with it. Can't do it anymore. Reunions can fail and I feel that mine has. I've lost heart... but I've found something else. My son may not be coming through this reunion very well, but I feel I am. That's not gloating. I am not happy with the way I have been treated by my son in this reunion, but I am happy with reunion, what its done for me. I've grasped all that I can to heal and its working.

I look at my reunion photos and think that is what WAS (the only time I met him, nearly 2 years ago) its not the NOW (he doesn't want to see me, or is not ready). I am getting on with my life and readjusted my 'expectations' to realising that his effect on me is toxic.. at the moment. He cannot give me anything whilst he is so busy 'fighting' his aparents. I am letting go. If we contact once or twice a year, so be it, but I can't let this young man whom I gave birth to nearly 30 years ago, eat away at my very soul.

I just felt that this guy I met last year, who phoned this week and we've had several conversations and emails, well, he has just put 'soul' back in me. It was unexpected and it has been delightful, for us both.

I was paying attention to the beauty around us and guess what, so was he and for some reason he picked up the phone and called.... at a time I was parked in a countryside lane, 'paying attention' to the things that matter - bird song, the beauty that we search for, trees, soil, getting back to Self. I look forward to sharing with him my love of mountains, walking, coral reefs, marine life, Antarctica, the list is endless...

So I guess you could say, this is me. Coming back from the dark places. I embraced the grief. It gave me so much back. It gave me me, and I'm pretty delighted to get to know her.

((((Hugs)))) Jackie
Janny

[LindaSusansMom]

Jackie,

"And share our weakness with ourselves.. that is what I found I could not do.. Together we are strong.. Ha.. together I am strong!"

so true, so true...I have learned to draw strength from the women in my life. I have learned to listen to the stories and to watch closely. It is amazing what we can teach each other and the strength we can pass one to the other...I go to the gym with this incredibly diverse group of women whos ages range from teen to early 90s...from all walks of life...nations, religions, cultures...it's amazing the strength these women exhibit...

Thanks for the encouragement...

Colleen,
I forgot to say thanks for your post...I can so relate about everyone thinking you're strong...It can get to be exhausting...even now that I've started showing them the side of me that doesn't have it all together, they still look to me to center all of them as well...I have to remind them that I can't do/be it all!

Peace,
LSM

[katlyn]

I have read several of these replies as well as the original post and some of what I see is almost as if my own fears and feelings had just been plucked right out of my head. My kids are my world, my life, and basically I feel as if my heart would stop and my world would end if anything were to happen to them.

My daughter that I parented was an only child for the first six years of her life and she never spent the night with anyone, not even one of her aunts, though my youngest sister begged to have her for a night or two a hundred times or more. She was four before I let my sister keep her overnight, and I felt as if I had lost a limb or something. I thought this was just how I was wired, I thought that every mother felt like this, it never really crossed my mind that having placed my first daughter might have triggered some of my over protectiveness.

I know my kids hate that I am this way, but the thought of missing a school function, or an extracurricular activity, and I hate to admit it, but the thought of someone else having a "first time" moment with any one of my kids makes me terribly jealous and upset. I have this overwhelming fear of one or more of my kids feeling neglected and I refuse to treat any one of my children differently or make them feel less loved than thier siblings. I could go on and on, but I won't, have to get my kids in bed.... Just amazing that I ran across this particular thread, and I'm in awe of how so much of what I read mirrors my own thoughts and actions. What an interesting question to ponder...very thought provoking!

[Jackiejdajda]

Scarlet Moon 13 wrote

The word birth mother, does/can/could regulate us to a lower catagory. It was meant to describe our postion or lack of it in our birth childs life. Not meant in a bad way. But for some people it does take us out of the running for mother.

I am not my bson mother.. not in my thinking.. not in my heart..
I just posted to a newcomer that I gave my bson up the second time.. and that I had to do it in order to survive the reunion..(< not in those exact words)

For some,(few) relinquishing a child makes us unworthy of being called mother. This has been said to me.

And that is from the outside in.. someones opinion.. and I have such a problem with someone else’s opinion on terms of relinquishment and reunion and adoption and how I deal with it....
Trigger here.. for me..

When in reality, phsyically, emotionally, we were the mother, in body, soul and love. We are the first one who was the child's mother. There is no word in the world that can change that.

I gave him life.. I refused to go for the abortion.. I put myself through..
I am his mother..

Do to circumstances we didn't raise our child. We are not the mother under the law.

Or for some of us we are not mother in heart as well.. their heart..

I told my son that sometimes in explaining something I will use the term birthmother or birth son, or raised kids opposed to adopted son.

He said, don't. Just tell them you have 3 kids, period.
Usually I do. I have 3 children, I just didn't raise one.

The longer we are in reunion, the easier it is to say. The more I learned about his adoption the less guilty I feel about saying, I am his mother.

Not every reunion will be like mine. Some will be even better, some will be worse, some will not happen at all.

And mine is slow.. slower than slow..
And my second and third born.. (to tie this into the topic) know I do not ache for contact with my first born son..
I cannot take the pain..

The term birthmom takes on so many ‘roles’.. for me it is historic.. the women of CUB in the seventies..

Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

Jannyroo wrote (I had to quote your whole wonderful letter)

I have listened to what you said about stand knee deep.. and pay attention. I have and its woken me to what IS happening rather than what ISN'T happening. What I'd hoped for is now consigned to the realms of fantasy - it just ain't happening. I'm grieving the loss of what I could have been for my son, the relationship we COULD have had, but it just isn't happening and doesn't show any signs of happening either.

And I grieve with you my friend.. The only way out is through..

I've spent the past few weeks embracing the grief including that of what is NOT happening, but at the same time, adjusting to the new me that is surfacing. Like you, I am pleased with the person I am finding. I go out, I notice, I make notes, I am coming alive. Brockbaby started us on 3 nice things a day. Each day explodes with 10 or more, which I put in my diary.

I"ve recently been contacted by a guy whom I met last July and he phoned me last Monday.

He is amazingly poetic and his poems that he emailed me have taken me to another place. I am reciprocating his poetry with depths of my own that I haven't revealed for quite some years. It may not be romantic, but it in a platonic kind of way, it is, sorta. .

You get to have a life!

Its allowed!

What a thing…

The real me and all its facets and depths are surfacing, and I'm quite enjoying it. The feelings I faced ... well, I didn't push them back. I allowed them to surface. They were not particularly pleasant, in fact they were outright horrible. But by working through them and allowing them, they got to me a place that I am happy to be now. Perhaps some work still to be done, but I am happy, as I'm finding new facets of the person that was buried under grief for far too long. That had to stop. I have been healing since April 2006 when my son found me and I've made adjustments to relinquish the pain that reunion and his defenses are inflicting on me.

I think its healthy when we go through this kind of thing when reunion hits.. we are finally processing what we had not processed years ago.. we are finally learning how to protect and heck love ourselves..
We get to have a life..

Thirty years is enough thank you. No more. I'm not willing to participate in what I can only describe as a war zone. I don't want to be here any more thanks. Sorry, but change it (son) into a peaceful, gentle, considerate zone and I may just want to come and join you.... I've had too many mines depthcharge and he's left me to get on with it. Can't do it anymore. Reunions can fail and I feel that mine has. I've lost heart... but I've found something else. My son may not be coming through this reunion very well, but I feel I am. That's not gloating. I am not happy with the way I have been treated by my son in this reunion, but I am happy with reunion, what its done for me. I've grasped all that I can to heal and its working.

Yes.. and there can be small steps.. I send little things so he knows I think of him.. and he sends little things back..
I can not bridge the gap.. and I think he also feels this way.. and that’s okay..
His path changed from my path a long long time ago.. and we are not able to get back on that path..
And that’s okay..
Nothing we can do about it.. other than forcing what need not be forced..

I look at my reunion photos and think that is what WAS (the only time I met him, nearly 2 years ago) its not the NOW (he doesn't want to see me, or is not ready). I am getting on with my life and readjusted my 'expectations' to realising that his effect on me is toxic.. at the moment. He cannot give me anything whilst he is so busy 'fighting' his aparents. I am letting go. If we contact once or twice a year, so be it, but I can't let this young man whom I gave birth to nearly 30 years ago, eat away at my very soul.

You get to take care of you.. its allowed..

I just felt that this guy I met last year, who phoned this week and we've had several conversations and emails, well, he has just put 'soul' back in me. It was unexpected and it has been delightful, for us both.

I rejoice..

I was paying attention to the beauty around us and guess what, so was he and for some reason he picked up the phone and called.... at a time I was parked in a countryside lane, 'paying attention' to the things that matter - bird song, the beauty that we search for, trees, soil, getting back to Self. I look forward to sharing with him my love of mountains, walking, coral reefs, marine life, Antarctica, the list is endless...

So I guess you could say, this is me. Coming back from the dark places. I embraced the grief. It gave me so much back. It gave me me, and I'm pretty delighted to get to know her.

I am overcome with emotions..
Close to tears..

How utterly wonderful..

A poem..

Gerard Manley Hopkins..

As kingfishers catch fire, dragonflies dráw fláme;
As tumbled over rim in roundy wells
Stones ring; like each tucked string tells, each hung bell's
Bow swung finds tongue to fling out broad its name;
Each mortal thing does one thing and the same:
Deals out that being indoors each one dwells;

Selves--goes itself; myself it speaks and spells,
Crying Whát I do is me: for that I came.





Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

LindaSusansMom wrote

so true, so true...I have learned to draw strength from the women in my life. I have learned to listen to the stories and to watch closely. It is amazing what we can teach each other and the strength we can pass one to the other..

Some of us were so cut off.. Isolated.. No one can sort anything in a vacuum..
In twelve step programs.. a person does not tell another what to do (unless they sponsor and then that is suggestion) a person shares their experience.. and others take what they want from it..
I am sure I cross the line many times.. but it is the sharing that is prime..

This place is my connection to the world.. I live in the country now.. and am gloriously isolated..
I spend my days.. doing what I want to do.. and not what I have to do..
What a thing..

Katlyn wrote.

My daughter that I parented was an only child for the first six years of her life and she never spent the night with anyone, not even one of her aunts, though my youngest sister begged to have her for a night or two a hundred times or more. She was four before I let my sister keep her overnight, and I felt as if I had lost a limb or something. I thought this was just how I was wired, I thought that every mother felt like this, it never really crossed my mind that having placed my first daughter might have triggered some of my over protectiveness.

I was overprotected with my kids as well.. am..
But what is interesting is that now they are both in their thirties I know I will go the extra mile to watch out for them.. and to show them the love I know I feel for them..
I had such a hard time with that love in the beginning.. when my daughter went into the hospital with mono when she was ten or so.. I stood beside her for the day we were in the emergency.. I would not leave her..
But I had a real hard time feeling the actual love.. I did not understand it.. I think I was on automatic blocking..
But now.. Now I am there for them when they need me.. no matter what the cost..

And I know that my daughter was spoiled.. but now she works at being independent.. struggles..

Jackie

[keds]

Janny - beautiful, simply beautiful. I'm not quite ready to give in to the emotions but a little at a time. I think my reunion is quite successful - I just have to find the "centre" of the teeter-totter for balance.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

Jannyroo wrote (I had to quote your whole wonderful letter)

Originally Posted by keds

Janny - beautiful, simply beautiful. I'm not quite ready to give in to the emotions but a little at a time.

Thanks you both. The whole depth of what I wrote means so much to me, such a turning point, such good that came out of such reunion trauma and many journeys of darkness and groping. I hope it helps others. I know I could only arrive at this place with people like you guys... so special, unbelievable.

Jackie, your penetrating insights, held high amongst some of the other 'greats' on this forum, have helped me through. I was cocooned in a chrysalis and my goodness, the metamorphosis - the butterfly that is emerging!!!! I can't find words, so I won't. I leave my experience with you, and others that wish to read it.

You replenish my heart and soul. I can't believe I'm here, but I rejoice that I am. Thanks from the bottom of my heart, sooo hard to express. The whole world is a waitin'. So much to explore. More work to do, but the strength is there.

Anyone read "Feel the fear.. and do it anyway?" Susan Jeffers. Now thats a book worth taking a look at.....

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

I am not my bson mother.. not in my thinking.. not in my heart..
I just posted to a newcomer that I gave my bson up the second time.. and that I had to do it in order to survive the reunion..(< not in those exact words)


And that is from the outside in.. someones opinion.. and I have such a problem with someone else’s opinion on terms of relinquishment and reunion and adoption and how I deal with it....
Trigger here.. for me..

I gave him life.. I refused to go for the abortion.. I put myself through..
I am his mother..

Or for some of us we are not mother in heart as well.. their heart..

And mine is slow.. slower than slow..
And my second and third born.. (to tie this into the topic) know I do not ache for contact with my first born son..
I cannot take the pain..


Jackie

Take care of yourself.

I know that before reunion and after, I spent a lot of time screaming and crying. Before reunion I went to every group about adoption I could get time. Birthmother support group every month for more then a years, and every other mother for another year. I wrote down every memory, every question I was not allowed to ask when I was 15. Scream until I thought my heart would break.

I had no idea I had hidden away so much pain, so my sorrow, so much grief.


Even now 10 years after reunion I still find myself crying.
Crying for the lost years. Crying because though he is in my life I can do nothing to make up for what was lost.
When I see him do things, say things, that I would have taught him were not acceptable there is nothing I can say or do to change it.

Not only did they not tell us how much we would be affected by relinquishing, no one tells us how long that pain will last, or that it comes back with a vengence with reunion.

Hugs from me, even if you can't feel them, know that I understand what you are going though.

[julie23]

this discussion has been so amazing... it's been so hard to not post... and i am actually re-evaluating my thinking on that... but i had to come here and tell you all this...

my 17 year old raised daughter was in a car accident last night... she's fine.

but the mere thought of what could have happened... practically melts my bones....

she was on the freeway where the average speed is about 75 mph... where we live the speed limit on that stretch is 70 mph.. and just 3 more miles north it goes up to 75... and she hit (or got hit by) another car.

just imagining that i could be visiting her in the hospital today... or worse yet, the morgue .....

have we hurt so much and so long over losing these babies of ours.. that we would be completely incapacitated by the loss of one of our raised children?

i think i would stop functioning...

do you know that i sometimes worry that my relinquished daughter will actually kill one of my raised daughters just to hurt me.... she has spent her whole life hating me... and was so intent on hurting me in the worst way she knew how...

that sometimes i think... what if??? what if what she has done isn't enough?

i think i must watch too much Lifetime...

anyhow... my baby is fine... very very shook up... she's been crying practically for 24 hours... by the time she got home last night, her back and neck both hurt... and i ran her a hot bath to soak in... and i've just been doing lots of holding her ... and hugging her... she's afraid to drive now... although, i think she will have recovered enough by the morning to drive to school... since her only other option is the bus...

we are going to be relocating again soon... and because our daughter has done so fabulously in school, she can choose if she wants to stay here for college or move with us..... well, after last night, i told her she doesn't have a choice... i can't stand the thought of not being able to get to her if she needs me... she's going with us! But it seems, that's her own choice now, too....

j

[kakuehl]

Jule,
I'm glad she's ok.

Just remember, you want her to be a functioning adult so, despite your anxiety level, you will need to let her go!

Where are you moving to?