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#31
01-03-2008, 09:18 AM
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to be free of it
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susanne... your whole post resonates with me... and this is exactly what i am calling "rewiring"... this single event had the power to completely change my internal settings... and it did... it was as if one day i looked in an unblemished mirror and saw myself.... and then relinquishing my daughter caused the mirror to shatter... when it was glued back together.. and i looked in it again... i saw a distorted picture of myself.... and it is in the integrating of all these broken pieces... that i will redefine myself.... rewire my insides... Quote:
funny thing.... me too.... when I reunited with my birthdaughter, is probably when i realized i hadn't done such a bad job with the ones the i raised.... i have wondered about that, too.. if what we have been through made us stronger mothers.... i think it holds true for women who have struggled with infertility... or lost babies.... i think the loss makes us appreciate more what we have.... i know that i am endlessly grateful for my three daughters.... endlessly.... i know that i thank God for them every single day.... Quote:
i sat in a family reunion prior to contact with my birthdaughter... 6 babies (that i know of!) have been placed for adoption outside of my family... and when i sat in that reunion and they did not include any of those babies in the family tree.... i remember feeling so angry... i was at the beginning of dealing with all this... and i felt like a fraud... i felt like the whole family was fraudulant actually... because we all KNEW about the babies... well, most of the babies... some were still secrets i guess... including my own.... it may be why i try so darn hard in my mothering... so no one suspects i'm the kind of person who could give a baby away.... just hiding the truth.... still. even after all this.... Quote:
i am. i must. i must sort out who i am. i want to know. when i get old, and i look back on my life, i want to feel satisfied with what i see.... i want to be proud of myself and my contribution to the world... i don't want to be one who copes. i want to be one who lives... i am a survivor. i am a strong and courageous woman.... what happened made me who i was.... from the moment i started sorting this, i began the process of becoming someone else... i am not through it... i may never be.... but i have more peace with it than i have ever known.... when my daughter walked out on us, she put a period at the end of the sentence. she offered me closure. I am accepting this offer.... this thread began as i wondered how i am passing on this legacy to my children... as i wondered if i have instilled in them a fear of loss.... and i don't think i have... i think i am instilling in them an example of how to live through loss... how to survive it and remain whole... or in my case, how to become whole again.... that is the legacy i want to leave them from my story of relinquishing... that we survive loss.... that it doesn't kill us... that we can heal... that we can be whole.... i often think of relinquishing as only leaving a nasty legacy in my life and my descendants lives... but i think it can be more. i think it offers an opportunity to leave a brilliant legacy in their lives.... julie 
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#32
01-03-2008, 12:11 PM
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The posts just sum up everything I have felt, and am/have lived through. So well written, thank you ladies...I realise now that I am back here just to be part of the bmother club. I have wanted to be kicked out of the club, I have tried to run away from the club, hide from fellow memebers, pretend I didn't belong and have often be disruptive. But now I am back and I just want to be a member of an amazing group and enjoy your warmth and friendship. lol
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#33
01-03-2008, 03:49 PM
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Healing hurts
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This thread and posts have added warmth to make those traumatised frozen emotions - thaw and I'm not sure I am ready for it - it may come out too quickly. I need time to adjust, time to re-live what I've been through, but too quickly and I think I will fuse. I''m numb reading it, recognising it, filing it, mist coming up in my eyes putting a distance between me, my memories and those experiences. Fog. Gone. Pain, dissolved, lurking, ready to hurt me. Can't deal with it yet, you have to be held back. Dam, in place. Trickle please, not all of it, I can't cope - with all of it. I'm in a most peculiar frame of mind at the minute. I feel as if I've lost my son all over again. I've been told that this is not the end, but it so feels like it. I WOULD like to respond to your comments, even though I never went on to have any more children. I recognise myself so much in what has been said - eight pages worth to be exact. (((hugs))) to all I'm too scared to come out just yet, another time... Janny 
__________________
 Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today
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#34
01-03-2008, 04:29 PM
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hello janny
hello janny....
i rarely speak for "all".... but i think that most of us have been exactly where you are at this moment. just be with it. i hope you can continue to read the thread as it evolves... sometimes we are known to stray from the original topic... i do not know your story... but if you feel like you have lost your son all over again... then maybe you have... and speaking as one who lost her daughter twice.... i know you will survive.... you are stronger than you think you are.... hang on to jackie.... she is much stronger than she thinks she is... she will help you hang on... she will hold your hand... she will help you understand... and she will help you with knowing that you are okay at this very moment in your personal journey... and you have the rest of your life to figure it all out... no rush. stick with us. we are much stronger when we are together.... julie
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#35
01-03-2008, 05:22 PM
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Like Janny, I have been following this thread with interest. I've been doing a great deal of soul seraching lately and I'm not sure I'm ready to articulate my feelings on this thread. I do have a comment about your last comment, Julie. (BTW, Julie, it's is SO good to see you posting here again.) I would like to remind all of us that none of us can truly know the other. No matter how similar our stories, we are still unique: we come from different family systems, we've responded to the crises in our lives in slightly different ways. I think that's one thing that allows us to learn from one another; we find both the similarities and the differences.
I agree that we are much stronger when we are together. When one of us is down, another is up. One day I offer you hope, the next day you offer me hope. We recognise ourselves in each other; we see the strength in one who, like Janny right now, sees only weakness in herself. To all my sisters:
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Blessings! Kathy, Forum moderator for birthfamily healing, recovery, success and Birthparent support Birth mom to D (10/4/72) Mom to J(7/6/76) and S (7/26/78) "Weeping may linger for the night, but joy comes with the morning." (Psalm 30:5) Click hereTo read my story
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#36
01-03-2008, 08:38 PM
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... me, too...
I haven't been able to articulate a response to this thread either, Kathy. For me, it means that there is a deep truth yet untold... occasionally, the guilt makes me choke on the words, even though they are written and not said. I'll be back...
Peace, Susan
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#37
01-03-2008, 09:11 PM
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I married 9 days before my bson was one year old. I was 17 and had my daughter not quite 9 months later. I missed him so much I wanted another baby. I married the first man I could get to say yes. When that marriage end, I was 20, I moved in 6 months later with another man and married him a year later. I felt I had to be married so no one could take my children. Relinquishing a child changed my life, and the orginal direction. I lived with this fear for years and didn't know it. Making decisions I wouldn't have made if I weren't afraid. It was 33 years before I could actually say, my mother was wrong to force me to give up my son. I was able, I was always able. I was a married teenage mom. I did what they were all so sure I couldn't do. If they had helped me finish school and keep my son, i might have done many things different. Water under the bridge. What makes it harder, my son would not have been any worse off with me then he was with his aparents. That may not always be the case, but they were suppose to be better then me. And they weren't. They were just older. We have been reunited for 10 plus years now. We talk every few days and see each other when we can. He lives in another state. He has a relationship with both his half sibs. Hugs
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Teri picture is me & bson 3 months after reunion
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#38
01-04-2008, 12:33 AM
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Wow, such amazing stories, so much pain and loss. I had to catch up, as it seems we have touched on something here. There are too many to quote, but so many interesting thoughts. I would like to say to Jackie, what a wonderful post. A horrible thing to happen, but your words have touched so many. You are a brave, strong woman. I really think that your doctor may have needed a doctor of her own. Julie was right to tell Janny to stick with you, as I can say personally, you have helped me so many times, I can't even begin to count them. I'm sure Janny will only grow stronger under your guidance.
Agatha, I'm glad you are back. You have always been one of my strongest supporters, and my dear friend. I welcome any input that you have. When I read your thread, about not feeling like you were really part of this, I found it odd, as I have always found you to be deeply touched by your adoption story. You may not talk about it as much as most, but don't sell yourself short, you have always been a part of the group. Sadly missed, but always a part. Janny, take your time, it is a hard road to walk. You don't have to do it all today, when you feel comfortable, just start talking. The words are not as important as the pain they help release. I can tell you from my own past, that the sooner I started talking, the better I felt. The hardest thing for me was to admit that I had given my child away. I didn't think I would ever be able to tell anybody about that. I was to sad, to ashamed. Now, I can honestly say, it was the best thing I ever did for myself. Everybody here really understands about the pain, the loss. They put a circle around you, when you need it, and don't break it until you are safely past the worst points. It is an amazing place, and some amazing women. When you are ready, let us help. To all the rest, I can only say, keep on talking. All our stories are different, but have the same core. It is so much easier to speak freely to people who have walked the same roads as you. None of us can afford to judge the other. We truly are a club. Colleen
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#39
01-04-2008, 03:28 AM
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Great post, julie. I like the analogy of the broken mirror.
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Is there anyway you can add them to your family tree. It doesn't have to be this way.
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Brenda Romanchik Insight: Open Adoption Resources & Support
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#40
01-04-2008, 11:45 AM
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It's taken me a long, long time to realise that I will be a bmother until the day I die. There is nothing I can do to change that - even though my bchild wants almost nothing to do with me! So I may as well learn to live with it and I know that is why I have come back to the forum. I enjoy the contact with my fellow bmother friends...I feel sad when others are facing a crisis point in their reunion but I know words of advice will be written which could help us all - this thread is one of those heart-felt threads that I believe offers something for most of us in some way.
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#41
01-04-2008, 12:18 PM
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not knowing
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i so appreciate both of your thoughts.. that i will look forward to your posts... i have spent much of my journey focusing on the child i relinquished... her adoptive parents.... my extended families dysfunction.... my junk... piles and piles of my emotional baggage from relinquishing... piles!!! my pain. my grief. my need to forgive. etc. etc. etc. and for the last 17 years i have read plenty of parenting books... attended classes... sought counseling (In regards to parenting)... and done everything possible to follow the prescribed method for perfect parenting... but no where ... in any of that stuff.... did it say... "you will pass on your "junk" to your kids. so deal with your "junk" i think on some level we all know that we have to get ourselves "together" to be good parents.... but i'm not sure any of us are are really sure what "together" is... beyond the ability to financially provide for our children... and do the best we can.... when i had my second daughter... the one i kept and was determined to raise... i looked into her eyes in the hospital... and this was a defining moment for me. i remember it very clearly. i looked into her eyes and knew that i had to get it together... and i did.... the problem with it was, of course... that i didn't actually KNOW i hadn't dealt with relinquishing... i was completely out of touch with what was simmering under the surface.... and how it leeched out of me into all aspects of my life.... including my parenting... I'm not blaming relinquishing for any mistakes i've made.... i think it's a little bigger than that... I've come to the conclusion that relinquishing literally changed me... how could i do anything different? i was rewired.... and i didn't KNOW it... that's the crux of it for me... not knowing.... in a way, living a life that was not authentic... i was a person completely out of touch with what was going on inside of me.... beyond pain. that much i knew... pain. loss. agony. despair. but i thought it was just inside me... personal... private. in a strange way, it goes back to the whole primal wound thing..... is the wound so primal.... so base... that the foundation of our very being is altered... ? scarlet moon... Quote:
it is hard to have the system fail... the system that was in place to provide our children with better lives... and yet.. did not. it is hard to make sense of that... after years of trying to make sense of it myself... i decided to just live with the injustice of it... to let it go... to say "oh well" Quote:
an interesting thought. i don't actually have a copy of the family tree.... but i suppose if i ever were to have one, i would add them in.... julie
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#42
01-05-2008, 12:17 AM
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Julie,
I think that we couldn't see the long term effects, we were too lost in the pain. How could we imagine that years later, all this emotion and loss would change our entire outlook. At the time this happened to us, we were so young, so innocent. I did what I was told was the best thing for the baby. What they said was the best thing for me. I had no idea that it would be the hardest thing I ever did, or that it would effect every relationship I had after that. It was 1975, and there were very few places I could turn to for the emotional help I believe I needed to get through all this. I went to a home where we all acted like good girls, did as we were told, had our babies and left. We did not talk about the adoption to each other, or to anybody else. It just wasn't done. I came from a very small town in the country. Girls who had babies..well you know. We would have done anything, not to be found out. So on top of the pain of loss, we were forced to hide any signs of the babies we had given up. I had no support system, so I sucked it all up. When I look back, I can see exactly how I got to the point I am today. I was powerless to stop it then, and so I am left with trying to deal with it now. I focused all my energy into my children, and I agree, nobody ever said, you are going to screw up your children, if you keep on this way. All I knew was that I had to be the best Mother there ever was. I bought every medical book I could find, and I studied, so I would no exactly what was wrong with my children before they got sick. I even went so far as to take medical classes at the nearby college, so I would be prepared for anything. My children never got sick, they never broke a bone, I wrapped them in cotton and kept them close and safe. In reality I smothered them. Well, at least the first few. I have gotten better since then. I never realized the damage until they were older, and had trouble making decisions with out my help. I never knew the long term effects. How could I, how could any of us. It took me until recently to see what all of this had done to me, to my family. Now we can talk about it, and deal with thing out in the open. I have accepted that I can not protect them from everything, and they have begun to let go. It is working out. It will continue to work out. I just wish I had seen sooner what I know today. I may not be a perfect Mother, but I am doing the best I can. It is the best I can do. Colleen
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#43
01-05-2008, 04:54 AM
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Jannyroo wrote
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Reunion IMO brings (some of us) us to this place.. Things hidden and half remembered.. I agree with kakuehl.. we are all different.. and some memories need to be helped in therapy.. Or with someone that really knows what they are doing.. But I remember when I stood at that door.. wanting to run again.. Take time.. take time outs.. and grieve your losses.. But nothing is worse to me than that place of stasis.. what a word stasis.. And heck this leads into dealing with subsequence life situations.. be if family or be it simple interaction with others.. I was shut down woman for years and years.. and when I felt safe I got into what I shut down all those years ago.. What hubris for a society to think that a woman can give her baby up for adoption and just walk away.. no consequences.. Ha.. Turning around and facing it.. is key to me.. loving the self enough to actually go into that place.. and heck coming out the other side.. We got a right.. Jackie sta·sis 1. motionless state: a state in which there is neither motion nor development, often resulting from opposing forces balancing each other Last edited by Jackiejdajda : 01-05-2008 at 04:57 AM.
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#44
01-05-2008, 05:37 AM
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Robinsmom wrote
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The hero.. and what happens when the hero wants to fall down.. or what happens when the hero fails.. I remember hearing John Bradshaw speak about this.. I said to myself wow.. that’s it.. Superman can not fail.. Superman never gets Louis Lane.. stasis.. again.. I think of what you wrote Julie about failure.. and our talks about failure.. I used to be so darn proud of me and my ability to not be emotional about my first born.. Not speak of him.. “Get married and have more kids.. pretend you are a virgin”.. <that was impossible…. LOL My sister loves to call my dad.. Willie Loman.. Death of a Salesman.. and the line never knowing who he really was or is.. Dad was so lost before he died and I spent time listening to him.. and trying to help him sort stuff.. Mom and her drinking (her way of coping).. If I could have only have grieved the loss of my son.. If I could have been allowed to weep and wail.. and talk about it.. process it.. been taken in by my mom and her love of me.. not allowed.. not showed.. Be strong.. and now it no longer works.. Janny you hitting a wall in your reunion.. how unfair.. But this is my life.. this is who I am.. these are my lessons.. and turning around and facing those lessons is what I think needs to be done. My mom took a drink..rather than finally doing the legitimate grief work of her life.. What wrong happened in her life.. I took care of my acting out loved ones.. a diversion.. A way to not go into it.. not actually feel the grief and walk through it and come out the other side.. This is the message I am trying to put up here.. What I did in the nineties.. Staying knee deep in the flow of life and paying attention.. really paying attention to what is really going on.. be it rejection be it insults.. be it the fantasy is never ever going to happen.. Grieving that.. acknowledging that and then grieving it.. and then understanding that we are all human.. Giving ourselves a hug for being human.. that’s the key.. Jackie
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#45
01-06-2008, 01:27 PM
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