[laura913]

I posted this already in the Birth Fathers area but wanted to post here too.
Here is the issue:
I have been married to a wonderful man for a year now. Six years ago next week he gave a son up for adoption. He is now suffering tremendous emotional pain because he has been thinking about having kids with me. He wants kids. He's always wanted to be a dad. He gave his son up six years ago because it was the right thing to do. He knows this but part of him is missing, and because of these feelings that will not go away we aren't able to start a family together AND he can't even stand to be around me for long periods (without drinking or sleeping) because when he is around me he thinks about 'how wonderful I am and how much he loves me and how he wants kids' which cycles back around to the feelings.

Sorry if I'm rambling I'm trying to include all the facts.

We are both Christians and I have a lot of faith and confidence that God will get us through this and we will grow stronger together. But recently we have been talking a lot about how if we can't resolve this what should we do?
And eventually if nothing goes away and the feelings aren't dealt with, that we will have to divorce, in order to make ME happy. (I really don't think I could be happy) .
I really don't want it to come to this.
I've been praying and praying and listening and reading my bible. Does anyone have any advice?
I have the name of a family counselor and I am probably going to give him a call next week.

Advice anyone?

[heidibay66]

I almost read your post earlier and I wish I had. I am a 41 yr old adoptee. I am a Christian and firm believer in Faith. I know that what your going through must be so hard. I had my first child at 17 yrs old and my adoptive tricked me and took him. So he grew up with her. I stayed near her to be with him, no matter how hard it got.
I don't know if I have the right words to help you but I felt and urge twice today to answer your post. So I figured I probably shouldn't ignore it. I just need to let you know that god hears you and he sees your tears. He understands your heart and your husbands too. This is important for your husband to learn and grow through this and your relationship will withstand anything when it is over.
The only people who can do real damage to our hearts, so deep that they penetrates our soul, are the people who we love the dearest. And those scars are the hardest to remove. It is like having a sliver in your hand, if you don't get it out it gets infected and then that infection gets into your blood and spreads to your whole body until you finally loose the hand. It is important that your husband removes that sliver before he looses his heart.(you) He needs to ask God to help him forgive himself so that sliver can be removed..It is forgiveness of himself that is holding him back. It is also the hardest thing to do. But this is part of the shaping and molding God does with us as we grow closer to him. God knows he did what he thought was best and it was best, now he needs to move on and let God reward with a large family so that when his son comes to find him, you will all be there waiting to welcome him. How sad would it be for his son if he knew that because he didn't get the opportunity to raise him, he lost everything else.
I will pray that God sends you angels to help carry the two of you while you go through this and I hope I got you a message you needed to hear.
Heidi

[laura913]

Hey there. Thanks for responded and it helped a little bit. Right now I'm lonely and missing my husband. He is out with guys tonight playing pool and such. Trying to clear his head. I will copy and paste your advice about forgiveness to him. I hope it works. I'll keep you posted on this. Keep praying for me? Please. My name is Laura and his name is Nathan. Thank you.

[kakuehl]

Laura,
I'm sorry I didn't see your post last night.

There are several thoughts going through my head... One is my personal story, the other is the whole area of forgiveness.

I am a birth mother. I had my first child on my 21st birthday. I placed him for adoption. While I always felt that it was the right decision, my arms ached for him and I wanted other children. I would have to say that D's birth and subsequent adoption have impacted all the other decisions I have made in my life. I married soon after I graduated (not the bdad) and probably pushed DH into having children sooner than he would have. My other two children did not replace D (nor were they intended to do so) I'm incredibly glad that they are part of my life.

That brings me to forgiveness: the hardest thing for me to do was to forgive myself. Sometimes, I think I'm still working on it! I firmly believe that God forgives me. He is the one who loves me unconditionally, who knows me better than I know myself. I felt like I let everyone down: God, my parents, myself. My parents demonstrated that they loved me unconditionally, which was truly a blessing. I guess they were my model for the way God loves us.

The pain of adoption does not end at the actual adoption for the birth parents. It is hard to live through. Each of us is different but guilt plays a large part of it for me. Your husband is still struggling with his grief. Is the adoption of his son opened or closed?

I have been in reunion with D for 2 years now. He has met his half-siblings and one of my greatest joys is watching the relationship between D and his siblings grow.The missing part of my heart has been found. None of us can change the past. Having more children will not take away from his love for his firstborn.

I will hold you in my prayers.

[laura913]

Thank you for your response. Gave me more hope for the future and having kids. My husband wants kids so bad and he's so afraid of doing so because he is afraid he will ruin their lives due to the feelings he is feeling. Thanks for the prayers and I'll check this quite abit if you have any more advice or just want to talk or anything.

[kakuehl]

Has your husband talked to a counselor familiar with adoption issues? A family counselor who isn't familiar with the emotions of adoption may not be as helpful as you hope.

[laura913]

i don't know we'll look into it
we don't have money to pay for one
that's what i'm concerned with
the one guy i found was free christian counselor.
I'll let you know how things work

[Jackiejdajda]

I believe with all my heart that the grief work is what is needed with your husband..

Fixing him will not work IMO.. Sharing his grief will..

When I first went for therapy after holding my feelings in for many years after giving my son up.. the therapist told me that I had not grieved the loss of my first born son.. I had not thought of that..
I went to the library and found a book on grief and how to do it.. Found a very good book..

Expressing his emotions when they come up you helping him by giving him love when he needs it and listening to him.. May help.

A partner a mate actually hearing him.. My husband did that for me once I learned (gave myself permission) that I could tell him..

My core belief in that what happened was Gods will also helped.. And IMO has taken me to the final stage of grief.. the acceptance stage..
I have been able to visit with my bson.. and I have been able to see that what happened was what was supposed to happen..

So I would suggest a grief counselor.. and maybe a book on how to do grief.. and Kubler Ross and her thoughts on the stages of grief may work..

It puts it into a thing a person can understand or visualize.. but no human grieves the same way is also important here..
Its what makes us human.

Kübler-Ross model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The stages are:

Denial: The initial stage: "It can't be happening."

Anger: "Why ME? It's not fair!" (either referring to God, oneself, or anybody perceived, rightly or wrongly, as "responsible")

Bargaining: "Just let me live to see my child(ren) graduate."

Depression: "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"

Acceptance: "It's going to be OK."

Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This also includes the death of a loved one and divorce. Kübler-Ross also claimed these steps do not necessarily come in order, nor are they all experienced by all patients, though she stated a person will always experience at least two.

Jackie

[kakuehl]

Jackie I agree with you. Also know that you can revisit a "stage" you've already visited! (From denial to anger and back to denial, for instance.) Much of what I do in pastoral counseling involves grief (regardless of the "presenting" issue). My suggestion about a counselor familiar with adoption issues was made because often those unfamiliar with adoption are also unfamiliar with the pain involved in adoption.

Another helpful resouce for adoption is Good Grief by Granger E. Westberg. This is a very short little book that is very helpful for people dealing with grief. It's very readable and more accessible than some of Koebler-Ross's stuff.

[kakuehl]

Umm, just had a thought. Many of us who are bparents have a rough time right around anniversary times. That may be part of what he is feeling right now as well.

[heidibay66]

When I used to get upset about not having my son under my roof, I would write him a letter and put it in a box. On his 18th birthday I gave him the box of letters.
I know that your husband may not be a writer, but maybe if you could help him find a way to put his feelings about it on paper, or maybe on tape, or in a journal on your computer. Maybe that would help him get it out and find a way to recognize how he feeling. Sometimes it is the only way to get passed it. Then if he meets him someday he can decide whether to give a copy to him or talk to him about it. I know it helped me to dump it some where besides my brain.
Just another idea..

[Jackiejdajda]

kakuehl

My suggestion about a counselor familiar with adoption issues was made because often those unfamiliar with adoption are also unfamiliar with the pain involved in adoption.

I am thinking of that saying.. "it takes a village"..

I think it takes a 'village' to help with all of this.

I agree some counselors do not understand this grief this pain..and I also believe that some men aka birthfathers are left to sort this themselves.. or do not reach out for help..

Jackie

[hunny0404]

Originally Posted by heidibay66

I know that your husband may not be a writer, but maybe if you could help him find a way to put his feelings about it on paper, or maybe on tape, or in a journal on your computer. Maybe that would help him get it out and find a way to recognize how he feeling. Sometimes it is the only way to get passed it. Then if he meets him someday he can decide whether to give a copy to him or talk to him about it. I know it helped me to dump it some where besides my brain.
Just another idea..

I agree with heidibay66. The isolation makes everything so much more overwhelming because you don't have any perspective. I don't think the feelings can be sorted out or resolved until we know what they are. Staying in my own head is almost always the worst thing I can do. Journaling, talking with a skilled and sensitive therapist, sharing your story with SUPPORTIVE loved ones, engaging in this online community--all these help us to assign meaning to the jumble of feelings. Instead of just feeling "bad" you can begin to identify "fear," "pain," "guilt," "shame," "loss," "grief." And if you can name it, you can find a way to '"slay" it, as the saying goes.

Even though I knew my husband couldn't really understand what I was going through, it helped to know he was standing by me and supporting me in my process, no matter how emotionally crazy I got. Try to help your husband know that it's safe for him to share all of his feelings with you, even the scary ones, and that you won't leave him to struggle alone. The grief process can be so very painful, but it's essential to the healing work that moving forward requires.

Susanne