[SuddenlySusan]

One of our community members on this site, an adoptee, asked me a good question. She wanted to know what the pain was all about for first mothers who were in contact with the children they relinquished. It seems like it should be the happiest time of our lives.

In a thread I started, "Coming to Terms with the Past," Deb (geodeb) wrote: "...The reason I went into therapy was that I expected everything to be better when I found my son. And it wasn't! I realize now that it was a very unrealistic expectation, but I had spent so many years looking forward to meeting him and searching, searching, searching. I was sure that when I finally found him life would make sense. Did anyone else feel that way?..."

I'd like to hear from all triad members who experienced pain with contact & reunion. What was behind the pain, and how did it manifest itself? What was your reaction to your pain? What was the intensity, and how long did it linger?

Let's talk about post-contact pain...

Peace,
Susan

[eliza4]

pain...turmoil...um, yeah! i was dealing with most of my family not knowing about my child...where i live, some young girl had a baby and put the child in the trunk of her mom's car...and nobody knew she was pregnant-i'd hear from my mom-how could her own mother not know she was pregnant...um, she never knew i was pregnant. the highs and lows of reunion started with the letter from the lawyer. i didn't know if my child was ok, if something happened-and i had to sit on that letter overnight, call the lawyer and wait for a response from him until late afternoon. then when i okayed contact...i had to wait on that. everything seemed ok, i was chatting with A's mom and A. they knew i'd be vacationing in their state, so we had plans to meet up. we spent a few hours together, made plans to meet up the next day, miscommunication and the failure of my voice mail led to them going home and me thinking i must be a horrible person if they were going to leave like that. we were passing thru their town on the way home and spent more time with them after everything was cleared up. i went thru a rough time after that, trying to decide when to tell my parents about A...then i found out i was pregnant-rough pregnancy-lots of bleeding but baby was developing like he should...then at 14 weeks, on ultrasound, the tech left the room to get the doctor, he came back in to scan me and they were both quiet and i said there's no heartbeat. a d&e later, lots of crying, trying to get thru christmas and family birthdays, i told my parents about A and watched the bomb drop...not feeling at peace...feeling like i had let everybody down...i never gave my parents the chance to react to A...my mom told me she wished i had told her so that i didn't have to go thru childbirth and all the adoption stuff by myself. my father said he was a bad father, that i could've brought A home and raised her...that if he ever sees A's birth father, he'll hurt him. a few weeks after that...as everybody seems to be recovering, i find out that A's due to give birth in a few months...i'm still getting used to having A in my life...and now i find out she's going to be a teenage mother. i start to question if i did the right thing...lots of questions then...my mom and brother worry lots about me, wondering if i'm going to have a nervous breakdown because of the amount of crying i do and the state of mind that i'm in. A has her baby and i'm a grandmother...then other things happen-issues with my marriage come to a head, work is really stressing me out, i'm looking for people in my past who have supported me and who know me really well. i seek therapy...and come to a point where my self-esteem is really low and i can't feel anything but overwhelmed most of the time...and friends think the stress is starting to make me crack. i speak with a psychologist for a few sessions. we talk about how i'm out of sorts when it comes to gray areas. and my role in A's life is soooo gray. she made one comment that changed how i felt...that A is on her own timeline...i can't expect her to be on my timeline when i've had my own experiences...that when she's ready, she'll define that role for me...and i sat there and was like...wow, that's so simple...why didn't i think of that? the pain is always there...that i couldn't change what happened, that i could've raised her, etc etc...but i try not to dwell on that so much! so that's me...more than 18 months in to a reunion...feeling more at peace...though i still have my moments...

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by SuddenlySusan

One of our community members on this site, an adoptee, asked me a good question. She wanted to know what the pain was all about for first mothers who were in contact with the children they relinquished. It seems like it should be the happiest time of our lives.

In a thread I started, "Coming to Terms with the Past," Deb (geodeb) wrote: "...The reason I went into therapy was that I expected everything to be better when I found my son. And it wasn't! I realize now that it was a very unrealistic expectation, but I had spent so many years looking forward to meeting him and searching, searching, searching. I was sure that when I finally found him life would make sense. Did anyone else feel that way?..."

I'd like to hear from all triad members who experienced pain with contact & reunion. What was behind the pain, and how did it manifest itself? What was your reaction to your pain? What was the intensity, and how long did it linger?

Let's talk about post-contact pain...

Peace,
Susan

I don't find this question particularly easy to answer. So I will let some other articles I picked up along the way answer for me (in a way, as there is much much more to it than that). Snow white responded to a post I made some time ago and it helped, as my son was expecting me to cope with his pain when I already had my own. Lets start with some of what Julie Bailey says in the Adoption Reunion Survival Guide as a basis for what pain a mother carries into reunion (i.e. if she does go into reunion), followed by Snow White and her appropriate response to a post about when the pain gets unbearable leading to possible rejection in reunion.

p138
birth mothers will experience emotions similar to those of adoptees - but possibly more intense. The prevailing philosophy that time heals all wounds - which most birth mothers were reassured at relinquishment, is false. Time doesn't heal anything for birth mothers. Instead it generally serves as a reminder that adoption means loss - and a pretty permanent one at that. A birth mother can never recapture the lost years, even with a reunion. She will also find herself thrown through time, reliving the experience of the pregnancy, broken relationships, anger or hard feelings with her family, labour and birth. And finally, she will again confront her grief over having lost something most precious to her, then being told to "bury" the experience deep within her and never divulge its secrets.

For some birth mothers, the emotions are buried deeper than for others. In these cases, a woman might never be in a psychological position to experience reunion.

Your bmother was conditioned to forget you and in some cases it was more like brainwashing. She was told that if she "loved you" she would "forget you" so that you could be completely free, emotionally and physically, to bond with the adoptive family

Although the attempt to forget you never worked because she always held on to memories and fantasies of you, she most likely did keep your existence a secret. If she never told anyone in her immediate family, your contact will be perceived as a threat to all that she has held private and secret for decades.

You can't overcome emotional wounds with one phone call, or one visit or one letter. For some birth mothers, the wound of relinquishment will always exist. At the least it will be a scar to remind her; at worst the wound gapes open forever, unable to heal...

Originally Posted by Snow White

I imagine that when women give their child up for adoption, they do not feel they can provide for their child and so by giving them up (and hurting in the process) they feel their child will have a nice life with a mom that will give them all that they can't. It is in essence enduring pain of not having you for the knowledge that your life will be better with someone who can give you all you need. That in my mind is a brave thing to do.

....

Since you were needing more from your birthmom, it was probably very difficult for her. She thought she was doing the right thing by giving up her parenting responsibility, she endured a lot of pain, .....Your birthmom dealt with a lot of pain after giving you up and she probably can't deal with anymore pain. Your desire to have your birthmom care for your pain is too difficult for her, since she felt pain as well by giving you up. To restore your relationship, it would take a professional to help you both. Because alone in pain you both are easily swayed .....you are both hurting. Remember your birthmom is a mom for the first time right now and wants to do it right. She doesn't know how to parent someone older, like you. She never learned yet.

That is why is she no longer wants to be around you. You are too much pain for her. She loved you as a baby and did what she thought was best. Had you come back saying thank you, I had a wonderful life, she would have known that her pain was worth it. Now she may see that her pain was not worth it and in addition she has more pain to endure by watching your anger. To heal your pain, it will be better to do it through someone else. ....


I hope you can find someone to talk with so you can see that you are special and that the actions of your birthmom are not as a result of wanting to get rid of you but as a result of too much pain.
With love, Veronika

I am in the middle of working through a lot of painful issues at the minute, so feel a little bit helpless/incapable of expressing any more, although I would be interested in what others have to say. I think for me Verrier has shed light an awful lot on the amount of pain in all the triad that they suffer and its helpful to know so as to make the best responses in reunion. If my son had have read up on things, perhaps he could have saved an awful lot of pain for me and it could have been worked out differently, but most guys don't feature on these forums/read books from what I understand.

however, in a nutshell, pain for me has been nearly 30 years duration starting from relinquishment, expressed in a numbness that manifested itself as PTSD (see Empty Arms Home Page) and dissassociation and then the pain of son finding me and then showing me very early on in reunion (almost from day 1) how unhappy & emotionally shattered he was with the pain of being raised without me, coupled with his discharging his pain and emotions on me far too early into reunion, followed by inappropriate behaviour that could have put me off, but by some miracle I held in there and found Verriers' stuff very very helpful in our case. So I hope that gives some kind of insight as to the pain involved. Its amazing that anyone gets through reunion to be honest! but I concede that some adoptees are happier than others and other reunions are less traumatic than mine, but most I see reflected on these forums are causing a lot of pain all round.

You'd think that being reunited with our long lost child/adult would give us great joy, but this is what the empty arms website has to say about it:

those of us who relinquished and did not have other children listen in silence. In this way, the walls surrounding the experience continue to be reinforced. As we grow older, that young girl inside is farther and farther away from us, still suffering in silence. Is it any wonder then, that when reunion happens, so many of us have feelings that we can't understand? People say to us, as we are falling apart, "I thought you would be so happy!" For many of us, the blocked off memories come flooding back, and since we have never processed them, they are raw and original and completely unhealed. What we thought would heal us, finding our children, does exactly the opposite, it seems.

So yes, there is a great deal of happiness in reunion, but for many, there is also a great deal of pain. If an adoptee approaches reunion without any understanding of what the bmother has possibly gone through, it will make it very tough on the bmom and possible make her retreat, possibly indefinitely, as she has had a lifetime of having to cope with some of what is described above.

[kakuehl]

Pain in reunion... an interesting question. As always, the answers are as varied as the individuals involved. I have truly been blessed to find D at a good time in his life for reunion. He is comfortable with who he is and in his relationships with his parents, wife and children. He was not looking for someone to fix him, nor was I seeking to mother him. It has been a joy getting to know him, to discover who he is as a person,etc. He has included me and my family in his life. And yet, there is pain. I held his newborn son last year and was overcome with a wave of grief. (Maybe it's because my other 2 have brown eyes like their father's and Z has his Dad's - and my - blue eyes.) For me it's almost a physical ache for what I missed. It's knowing I love him deeply and not really knowing what he's feeling. (His aparents say his never talked about his feelings... his birthdad was very much that way) I see his bdad in him and grieve that he will not meet him since J died of cancer in 2000. I grieve that my mother will not get to meet him - my choice to place him was very difficult for her and she would have been so delighted to meet him. Being connected with D has brought to the fore a lot of old emotions and pain that I thought I'd worked through years ago. (And all this is in a relationship that has developed at a comfortable rate and that D describes as healthy.)

[keds]

Hi there for me, Kathy has said a lot that is true for me as well. I am happy my bson does not need "fixing" but at the same time I do. Like many others, I didn't "face" up to my emotions, and to a certain extent, expected him to need fixing, weird but true. Like describing the happiness of reunion, the pain is just as intense. Only those who have experienced it can TRY to describe it. I think it's knowing that you DID the right thing but are still waiting to hear it, or worse, not. I can't even imagine how difficult it is to be "adopted" and yet, can anyone relate to those of us who have "relinquished" their child? We are sometimes made out to be heartless and, at times, I feel that way as my heart was torn from me 27 years ago. I have experienced the highest of highs (the first letter) and the lowest of lows (no response to many) but still feel that I coud neverknow joy if I don't know pain. It's my turn to take it on and I am hopeful that at some point it will case. Sorry, maybe the wrong thing to ask me as, Jannyroo put it, I was told "all would be right" and yet, I have lived my life in such a way that I have never gotten over relinquishment. I'm sure my bson will never forgive me for placing him and that may be the hardest thing to bear and yet, his contacting me has made it somewhat acceptable to be me. It's beenjust over a year and I am still experiencing days where I just don't want to get out of bed, I regret not making more of my life so he would be proud (?) of me and I continue to sabotage my success. I was visiting my daughter at university this past weekend and burst into tears as I realized that I never experienced the joy of being a freshman without a care in the world. I think for me it's the "what ifs' that really hit home. What if I kept him, what if I had counselling, what if I tried harder. I lived most of my life in a fog and I'm just realizing in reunion how much I didn't pay attention to the affect of his adoption. The good thing - his life is great, which makes it all worthwhile.

[quantum]

Hiya,

Pain. Well, I have felt a bit of 'closure' to some extent, definately relief after finding my son.
But yes, pain. It's taken me by surprise. Despite all the reccommendations to read this and that, I haven't. Pain at the lost years. Pain and anger at how my situation was dealt with. Anger at how my parents deal with it now. Surprise at how hard it still is for me to tell people.

I wish we could have known, but how could we have, really?

[longingtomeetyou]

interesting post
well
my pain has developed into fibromyalgia.....since nov 06 the letter from attorney ive been a wreck.....adoptive parents doing what they did .....i wish i never made contact until daughter was on her own.....these people obviously arent who i thought they were....

God is finally helped me with the meds and prayers.....buts its been a longggggggg year......

[josh1788smom]

To me, the pain is just the epitome of the entire scenario. It does not feel normal to hurt this much. So many lives have been ruined by my situation. It is so full of lies, betrayal, and heartache.

There is a man who stands on the side of the road every Wednesday morning with a sign that says, ABORTION KILLS CHILDREN, I just want to get out of my car and beat him with that sign. Not that I am advocating abortion, but I listened to enough people tell me what I had to do when I was a pregnant teen, I don't need the bs from this loser too.

I have never been so hurt as I have since my son turned 18. It has brought up tons of obviously unresolved issues with my parents and extended family. Thank God my Grandmother has died already, because I would not be able to have the same relationship with her.

I am not a beaten dog, by any stretch of the imagination. But that might make it worse. So many people do not know of my situation, I am always putting on a public face. I am sure my parents think everything is jsut hunky dory. Which is probably why they are surprised when I let out my pain and anguish.

The thing that bothers me the most, is that nothing was done with malice in mind. Any message I have sent him now, any nice gesture, anything, has all been with the kindest of heart. I did not give him up - my parents did. I fought once I was legal age. It did not matter. Now, he does not care. I have no idea what he has been told - my own relatives (the adoptive parents) have lied to him his whole life. How do I change that. His turning 18 has just brought about a whole new series of pain, hurt and anguish.

Could I be an adoption advocate - not so much. I have told my brothers, if anything like this happens to their children, have them come see me. I will be their advocate. I will not allow any of my nieces to be passive-aggressively manipulated. It is so not fair.

Sorry that got really long!

[shouav]

Originally Posted by josh1788smom

To me, the pain is just the epitome of the entire scenario. It does not feel normal to hurt this much. So many lives have been ruined by my situation. It is so full of lies, betrayal, and heartache.

You just read my mind, as for the guy with the ban abortion sign, well today on Sky they were talking about making abortion harder again, can't believe these 'men' i would so love for them to have a child! See what it does to their lives.
So sorry to hear about your experience, I guess that there are no easy rides! Just know that there are those of us who so understand.

[shouav]

The pain, wow when I came across this thread it was exactly what I am feeling. I don't seem to be able to understand it, I am a year into reunion, my wonderful beautiful boy, at last I had been found. Okay its true I was searching for him for ten years, then I decided right if he wants to know me, he will find me. A year after I made that decision he did! I thought he wanted to find me his first mother, little did/do I know, that that's not who he thinks I am. Yes, one year into reunion so I thought right I'll send him a nice hug, by email, I live abroad, he had sent me to my very door flowers on my birthday, what I couldn't pick myself off the floor for amazement! The rollercoaster, had suddenly leveled, what I am his first mother, no you got that wrong, in reply to the hug I sent him for our first year's reunion, I made the 'mistake' of saying 'from your first mother to her first born', wow, he said 'don't send me those cards', 'they freak me out, as sad as it is you can never be my mother', so who the hell am I? He said 'you've overstepped the boundaries that I have set'! Pardon, I said to myself boundaries, are there two people in this relationship or not? No, I wrote back and I told him that in fact whether it suits him or not, he does have two mothers, one that nurtured and one that natured, no reply of course, he's backed off again, sobeit.

I cannot live with him taking my identity as a mother away from me, that's who I've always been, (even if I do have two raised children, who he seems to think should satisfy me) I'm not his friend, I'm his first mother, the one that had to relinquish her child at 16 or wouldn't have been allowed back into her parents home! 16 where was I to go, what was I to do, even though my parents abused me physically. I apologized to him, he said he forgave me!!

Oh yes I forgot I also went to get my agency file, there it is in black and white, my mother was described as 'vicious' right there in front on the social worker, can you believe it, today I would've been taken into care! Pain, my parents still believe they were right, they will not ever admit that they were wrong, my parents call me 'silly', can you believe it I am 55 years old and they call me 'silly', so I decided right not going to contact them or my son, sobeit.

But the pain, I'm not so sure how to deal with that, except to let it come out, crying all the time, I'm sad, as in so many of these threads, I never ever dealt with the pain before, this reunion has brought all the terrible memories back, conception, excuse me what when did that happen, I was 15 years old, went to a party, and the guy that took me, took advantage, what did you dream that, make it up, you know, you're to blame, you know you should'nt have gone with those people, you deserve it don’t you? I'm in therapy too, yes must get therapy, we first mothers, (birth mothers, sorry but I birthed my raised children too). The first thing I told my son, (excuse me who?) yes my son, was I didn’t want his aparents upset in any way!! I was there in his country for a few months, earlier this year, he had expressed a wish to meet my very undeserving parents, (his grandparents), no of course he cant call them that, called them by the first names, okay they don’t really deserve any better. He would meet us, I was with my sister thank g-d for her the only sanity in my life at the time. If there was someone there that might know his aparents, he would go into a panic! What I'm still that dirty little secret??? No, sorry that was the one thing I have learnt 'painfully' is that I'm no longer a 'dirty little secret', I begin to tell my friends, but our community is small, wow the most amazing coincidences, what he knows this one and that one, but again I have to say to people 'don’t say anything' we don’t want the aparents upset!!
Well, what about me, what about my pain, when will I ever feel better again, when he's gone from my life again??? Thanks for listening sorry for ranting. Shouav

[josh1788smom]

(((((( shouav))))) Big hugs coming your way and a funny little guy emicon too!!

[Longtimewaiting]

Im still searching for my first born, a daughter. I was hoping that the pain will go away when I was in reunion with her, but apparently not.

I've been in pain, deep intense emotional pain for almost 33 years, will it ever go away? I thought that the search for her, finding her, and being in reunion would ease and end the pain. But I guess not.

What a horrible way to live, always in emotional pain.

[RavenSong]

When I relinquished my son in 1972, I felt incredibly sad and fell into a deep depression. It didn't help matters that I was never allowed or encouraged to talk about my feelings.

I soon fell into a "numbness" that lasted for years. I shoved all the grief, sadness, and guilt deep down into my heart, and then shut the door. In 1979, however, I read Betty Jean Lifton's Lost and Found, and the numbness lifted, leaving me once again with a LOT of pain. But I also had hope...hope of reuniting with my son. It wasn't until I read Lost and Found that I became aware that reunion was even a possibility!

Fast forward to 1990...I reunited with my then 18-year-old son. I had dealt with much of my pain by then through therapy and adoption-support groups. And when I met my son, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of "completeness" or "wholeness". It's kind of hard to describe. It's like there had been a giant hole in my heart, perhaps the part that had been ripped out when I surrendered him. And that hole was now filled.

I did still feel some pain, however. Mostly the pain from not seeing him as he grew up, not knowing him when he was an infant, toddler, small child, preadolescent, and young teenager. I remember taking him to see the "Parade of Lights" that first Christmas at Mission Bay. This is an annual event in San Diego where people come together to wach a parade consisting of many boats adorned with Christmas lights. We were standing on the sand, my arm draped around his shoulders. The bonfires were blazing, and small children were excitedly running by the water's edge. And I suddenly felt an incredible wave of grief pass thru me. It was then that I realized I was grieving for my "little boy" whom I would never know. It was so strange. There I was with my arm around my son, now a young man. But I was grieving the fact that I had lost all that time during his childhood. Bittersweet....

For years after the initial reunion, the pain surrounding his adoption mostly went away. However, several weeks ago, my son decided to permanently sever our relationship. After almost 18 years, he has decided I should never contact him again. And the emotional effect on me was instantaneous. Agony is the word that comes to mind. It's like all the years of therapy, self-help, journaling, reunion -- they're all thrown out the window.

The past several weeks have been the worst ones' for me since the day I signed the relinquishment papers. I've been thrown right back into reliving the memories and emotions from that time period. The loneliness, the grief, the anger, the incredible loss I felt over losing both my baby and his father. And I just don't know what to do now. Do I just stuff everything way deep into my heart and lock the door, like I did back in 1972? I don't know...

[kakuehl]

RavenSong, I'm so sorry. I don't know if you can stuff the pain away this time. Grieve the loss, this time of his choice to walk away. Recognise that you must grieve the loss of your hopes and dreams. Can you get some counseling again. Please do not try to go through this alone. Did he have a reason for ending the relationship?

There are no words to make the pain go away. I pray that you might truly expereince healing in the midst of pain. God's peace be with you.

[Jackiejdajda]

I was thrown into grief when I first connected with my bson..

And then came the anger.. uncontrolled anger..

Eliza4 wrote..

i speak with a psychologist for a few sessions. we talk about how i'm out of sorts when it comes to gray areas. and my role in A's life is soooo gray. she made one comment that changed how i felt...that A is on her own timeline...i can't expect her to be on my timeline when i've had my own experiences...that when she's ready, she'll define that role for me...and i sat there and was like...wow, that's so simple...why didn't i think of that?

Thank you for your wisdom.. I think we all have our own timeline.. and I think birthparents need to honor their own timeline..
And feelings..
I had such a hard time with my anger when I first went into reunion..It was all so unfair..
And your story is so incredibly unfair.. I am so sorry for your loss..


josh1788smom

The thing that bothers me the most, is that nothing was done with malice in mind. Any message I have sent him now, any nice gesture, anything, has all been with the kindest of heart. I did not give him up - my parents did. I fought once I was legal age. It did not matter. Now, he does not care. I have no idea what he has been told - my own relatives (the adoptive parents) have lied to him his whole life. How do I change that. His turning 18 has just brought about a whole new series of pain, hurt and anguish.

What really upsets me is that I wonder whether birthparents are given the respect they deserve..
I get angry when I read a post such as yours.. josh1788smom

We have given so much.. and for some of us the repayment is lies and wrong stories..
And finding out about this after reunion must be devastating.. You love and you give and you hope.. and lies are told..
I do not think we should be told to accept this.. I do not think we should be told to just be nice for the sake of everyone..
Make nice so all is well.. like we did when some of us relinquished..

Some will say that when a person is raped.. its after it happened that is the hardest..
What others say and do.. how the person is treated..
If they are denied their anger or their pain.. or told that they asked for it..

Shouav wrote

The rollercoaster, had suddenly leveled, what I am his first mother, no you got that wrong, in reply to the hug I sent him for our first year's reunion, I made the 'mistake' of saying 'from your first mother to her first born', wow, he said 'don't send me those cards', 'they freak me out, as sad as it is you can never be my mother', so who the hell am I? He said 'you've overstepped the boundaries that I have set'! Pardon, I said to myself boundaries, are there two people in this relationship or not? No, I wrote back and I told him that in fact whether it suits him or not, he does have two mothers, one that nurtured and one that natured, no reply of course, he's backed off again, sobeit.

The term first mother could be taken literally.. My bson did not know the term birthmother or heck any other term..
Its words.. but maybe he took it that you wished to put yourself before his amom..

The term firstmother is sometimes used as a political thing.. a political issue..

I know my bson will not hardly ever speak about his aparents.. I dare not go there.. other than asking how they are..
It’s a mine field.. reunion..

Maybe if you can stand back and see him in his map of the world.. you may not hurt so much..

No, sorry that was the one thing I have learnt 'painfully' is that I'm no longer a 'dirty little secret', I begin to tell my friends, but our community is small, wow the most amazing coincidences, what he knows this one and that one, but again I have to say to people 'don’t say anything' we don’t want the aparents upset!!

I always say that giving up a child for adoption is one terrible life experience.. and the secret keeping is beyond the pale..
So many things to grieve so many things to learn.. so much mis communication..
I am very very sorry for your pain.. and I agree we do not have to protect the adoptive parents.. especially if they are being mean..
But everyone is on an emotional roller coaster.. and words said can not be taken back..
Connections are broken.. issues unresolved..

I keep hoping we can all start again..


RavenSong

For years after the initial reunion, the pain surrounding his adoption mostly went away. However, several weeks ago, my son decided to permanently sever our relationship. After almost 18 years, he has decided I should never contact him again. And the emotional effect on me was instantaneous. Agony is the word that comes to mind. It's like all the years of therapy, self-help, journaling, reunion -- they're all thrown out the window.

I can not imagine how this feels.. My bson and I have drifted away..

I hope your bson decides to change his thinking..

For me.. My pain was about my second rejection.. or my inability to cope with the situation..
My inability to deal with phone conversations that came out of the blue or late at night..
The conversations that did not say a lot.. and showed me the gulf between us..
I told him about this place.. I told him when I was not posting here.. about a year ago..
Now I am posting here again.. and I am almost hoping he is reading what I am writing here..
So he will know.. or does he know..

It’s the two worlds that can not be breached.. pulled together..
A piece of me that is broken off.. and will probably stay broken off..
I do get my joys.. picking a book for the grandkids.. and for him.. a distant kind of communication..

Jackie