[keds]

Hi Jackie, I'm no longer in the roll up in a ball and weep all day in the dark stages I'm now, as you said in the uncontrollable anger stage. Angry with my parents, angry with me, angry with him, angry at everything. Life is unfair, etc. I'm hoping this stage passes faster than the last as I think I can seriously damage friendships, and our reunion if I let it all out. I do find some satisfaction in "breaking" things at the moment. Thank goodness it is fall so I can "tear" out the garden and prepare for winter. I was wondering if anyone else has ever thought - why don't you open up? I gave up so much for you and yet you are so indifferent? Then I go into a spiral - it's my fault, why would he want to open up, I'm not worthy. Life is too hard!

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Longtimewaiting

Im still searching for my first born, a daughter. I was hoping that the pain will go away when I was in reunion with her, but apparently not.

I've been in pain, deep intense emotional pain for almost 33 years, will it ever go away? I thought that the search for her, finding her, and being in reunion would ease and end the pain. But I guess not.

What a horrible way to live, always in emotional pain.

Try this link, it may relieve, it may help.... lift some of what you are feeling. It helped me some. I feel for you. Its not natural to feel this amount of pain, as already commented upon. Empty Arms Home Page Finding those that know what you are feeling, they've been there, are there, may help. I send you love and hugs and warmth. We all need the warmth. Being on this forum, is like being in front of a warm log fire when its cold outside.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by keds

Hi Jackie, I'm no longer in the roll up in a ball and weep all day in the dark stages I'm now, as you said in the uncontrollable anger stage. Angry with my parents, angry with me, angry with him, angry at everything. Life is unfair, etc. I'm hoping this stage passes faster than the last as I think I can seriously damage friendships, and our reunion if I let it all out. I do find some satisfaction in "breaking" things at the moment. Thank goodness it is fall so I can "tear" out the garden and prepare for winter. I was wondering if anyone else has ever thought - why don't you open up? I gave up so much for you and yet you are so indifferent? Then I go into a spiral - it's my fault, why would he want to open up, I'm not worthy. Life is too hard!

Keds, its hard when you want to beat yourself up but your son doesn't lend a hand in it!! that's how it seems to you? At least you could 'take' the punishment and then feel that you deserved what you got. But its not happening! I find that it helped me through the anger stage to know that its perfectly normal to be angry .. about everyone!!!! and those who didn't 'help' us keep our kids. Oh! this abnormal thing called reunion! - a bit like giving birth and they hand you a 28 year old instead of a baby!!! Anger is a stage. You will get through it. But, it leaves one feeling very vulnerable if you feel all around you are indifferent, like, well it was your choice etc. yabba yabba, like well thanks guys.......

What also helps me is knowing that my son is in pain and that he is suffering too. That brings me to a halt when I get angry by what to me is 'lack of progress'. All this holding back, oh it drives us bmothers nuts! Keds, you can't visibly 'see' the suffering in your son, because he seems so composed and it confuses you, but in your posts and how you mention some of what he says, he IS suffering just the same, he just has had plenty of time to be the 'chameleon' and hide it, plus his personality seems more to be like his bfathers than yours and thats no comfort!!! because it makes you feel you are the odd one out! No wonder you feel that you 'went through all of that' and where's the emotion son? where's the anger, at least be angry with me. He doesn't need to add any Keds, you have more than enough you're directing at yourself!!! Oh this guilt, etc. Let yourself off the hook woman! If you were counselling a bmother, what would you say to her? Why aren't you saying it to yourself then? and believing it?

I must admit, my son is so like me emotionally, and that helps some, but Keds, try to see it that your son by the very fact he is holding back, is going through all the classic signs of an adoptee in reunion. He needs pullback. He needs time. He needs to develop trust and that ... ughhhhhhkkkk scream takes longer. Patience is a word I get to hate in reunion!!! LOL

Please try to be comforted by the fact your son is going through the classic signs in reunion. It doesn't matter how 'composed' he appears to you, inside he is not. You are going mad, because you feel it would be better if he beat you up emotionally, but he IS in the way he is holding back. I have the acting out son, you have the quiet acquiescent one (Verrier - do read it !!!!) Once you recognise this, perhaps some relief will be more in sight. I still get to feeling that you haven't read, or you haven't absorbed The Primal Wound/ Verrier stuff. Believe you me, it made the difference for me with my son. I would have gone nuts and given up without it. Hang on in there - and try to picture yourself in a room where you are giving yourself left jabs - take that, and that, and that! That's what you are doing. It would be funny if it wasn't so painful!!!!! Hugs and love Keds, keep in there buddy, we're there with you!!!

[Jackiejdajda]

I'm now, as you said in the uncontrollable anger stage. Angry with my parents, angry with me, angry with him, angry at everything.

I love the anger now.. I love that I can be angry and not back down.. I love that I can say.. "that’s it I’m done with this and you can do whatever you wish". Such power.

Not having anger when I gave my bson up for adoption did something to me.. I could not yell “This is wrong.. this is unfair”.
Anger is a boundary.. Anger is telling someone that you can not and you will not assert your will on me..
I will not buckle under and do as you bid.. kind of thing..

I think an awful lot of people want to control other people in this world.. and they do not respect the person they are trying to control.

I don’t care if I have to sit by myself forever.. I am going to do my anger..
Its interesting.. a year or so back I found I was not as angry any more.. it sort of went away..
But I let it run its course..

Life is unfair, etc. I'm hoping this stage passes faster than the last as I think I can seriously damage friendships, and our reunion if I let it all out.

There are things in this world that I will no longer put up with.. no matter what the consequences are..

I do find some satisfaction in "breaking" things at the moment. Thank goodness it is fall so I can "tear" out the garden and prepare for winter. I was wondering if anyone else has ever thought - why don't you open up? I gave up so much for you and yet you are so indifferent? Then I go into a spiral - it's my fault, why would he want to open up, I'm not worthy. Life is too hard!

Accepting what we can not change.. Finding and allowing our anger to run its course.. allowing ourselves to express it in our day to day lives..
And as in that movie you and I love.. seeing him in his ‘map of the world.’
We are all worthy.. I think..
We are more than worthy with what we did and what happened to us.. but some of us do not get the acknowledgment that should be there.. because of many reasons.. IMO
Its about how do we accept this.. and understanding how we can not change them..
Life is unfair.. accepting that sucker..

Jackie

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

I love the anger now.. I love that I can be angry and not back down.. I love that I can say.. "that’s it I’m done with this and you can do whatever you wish". Such power.

Not having anger when I gave my bson up for adoption did something to me.. I could not yell “This is wrong.. this is unfair”. Anger is a boundary.. Anger is telling someone that you can not and you will not assert your will on me.. I will not buckle under and do as you bid.. kind of thing.. I think an awful lot of people want to control other people in this world.. and they do not respect the person they are trying to control.

I don’t care if I have to sit by myself forever.. I am going to do my anger.. Its interesting.. a year or so back I found I was not as angry any more.. it sort of went away.. But I let it run its course..

There are things in this world that I will no longer put up with.. no matter what the consequences are.. Accepting what we can not change.. Finding and allowing our anger to run its course.. allowing ourselves to express it in our day to day lives..
... We are all worthy.. I think.. We are more than worthy with what we did and what happened to us.. but some of us do not get the acknowledgment that should be there.. because of many reasons.. IMO Its about how do we accept this.. and understanding how we can not change them.. Life is unfair.. accepting that sucker..
Jackie

Jackie I love this post! I so relate to it! Like Keds, I went through a stage where I was so angry, I thought I would explode. I should have had a sign to warn people, mug me and you're the one that should worry!!! I think I could have taken on anyone, and woe betide anyone who tried to do damage to me on a train, bus, walk etc etc.

Anger as you say is empowering. It challenges our self belief patterns and says 'do you really have to take this anymore?'. It empowers me to follow my belief in myself and my ability to follow what is right for me without being diverted by the manipulation and control of others.

I can be angry for others, to empower them, to say that is not acceptable for them to be on the receiving end of that. However, I'm waffling on and I really don't think I can add to what you said, its formidable. I got a huge burst of strength reading it. Rock on Jackie!!!

[Jackiejdajda]

I just logged on to another site today and found one of my old anger buddies trying to pull me back into the argument..

I did not bite.. I just smiled and said to myself.. not going to go there now..

Letting it run its course.. is prime to me.. till we feel like its (that particular anger) over.. and all of us got all the time we need..
And we get to 'go there' whenever we want to..

No one will get my 'self' again..

I teach my daughter that as well.. My son I do not need to do this.. he can be a real difficult person.. and I am proud..

Jackie

[keds]

Hi guys, I had an experience last night with respect to how my anger at adoption has affected the rest of my life. I run with a group 3 times a week and, since it is dark lately most times we are arriving back after sundown. Given my speed, I am usually "by myself" and, I tend to be lost in my thoughts. Unfortunately, lately, they haven't been the best. One of my friends came up behind me and thought it would be funny to "grab" me. Needless to say he was sorry as I hit him pretty hard. I feel terribly but, as Jannyroo said, I should have had a sign! He apologized, and I did as well but I'm hoping I can get through this stage quickly as I don't want to hurt anyone else! I've told my kids since they were born life is unfair and, yet, I still have difficulty accepting it myself!

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

I just logged on to another site today and found one of my old anger buddies trying to pull me back into the argument.. I did not bite.. I just smiled and said to myself.. not going to go there now.. Letting it run its course.. is prime to me.. till we feel like its (that particular anger) over.. and all of us got all the time we need.. And we get to 'go there' whenever we want to.. No one will get my 'self' again..I teach my daughter that as well.. My son I do not need to do this.. he can be a real difficult person.. and I am proud..

Jackie

Well done Jackie, for not being sucked into where you don't want to go. Your post empowered me to say that to my father, not going there Dad. I was amazed how he backed off. Thats strange for him, as he's an amazingly powerful person. Reduced me to jelly in the past, has so many times.... now I'm at peace and but NO-ONE is taking that away from me, not even him. Whatever are his issues are his. Not mine. I've reminded him of that. I've met him part way, but thats as far as it goes (see journal). But I'm angry. And anger has empowered me. Time to take stock and get MY LIFE back on track, its deviated quite a bit, with reunion and with relatives. Back to me now. And I don't care how selfish that sounds, its self preservation. I am a nice person, I don't deserve this
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by keds

Hi guys, I had an experience last night with respect to how my anger at adoption has affected the rest of my life. I run with a group 3 times a week and, since it is dark lately most times we are arriving back after sundown.

Given my speed, I am usually "by myself" and, I tend to be lost in my thoughts. Unfortunately, lately, they haven't been the best. One of my friends came up behind me and thought it would be funny to "grab" me. Needless to say he was sorry as I hit him pretty hard. I feel terribly but, as Jannyroo said, I should have had a sign! He apologized, and I did as well but I'm hoping I can get through this stage quickly as I don't want to hurt anyone else! I've told my kids since they were born life is unfair and, yet, I still have difficulty accepting it myself!

Hi Kate,
I'm pretty hopping mad with anger at the minute, so excuse my take on this, but i'm wondering about your 'friend". WHAT ON EARTH possessed them to do such a "not funny" thing? I think they got off lightly! No, honestly, with the way society is today and the sickos that can try and take advantage of a woman running that appears alone, what did they expect? and WHY kate did you apologise? That was such a dumb thing for them to do, I'm surprised you didn't have a heart attack!

True to form, you take the blame for it. I would encourage you to let go of this way of dealing with some things. Accepting blame for something that someone else shouldn't have done is not on! If they apologised to you, then accept the apology, but they really should not have done that to you, as if your nerves aren't raw enough as it is???

This is not your fault Kate. It was an unmitigated disaster on someone who thought it funny and they realised that it wasn't. I know I'm on the warpath at the minute (posts & journal will tell you why...) but oh Kate, stop apologising when its not your fault.... accept that others make mistakes and let them take the clout, not you.!!!! (((hugs))) Jannyroo

[Christmas]

I am so sorry for so much pain through reunion and all we've had to endure for our lifetime. My daughter is 24, I have had continuous and extreme life losses and through reading this, I don't dare step out and try to find my daughter. My life has been one continuous loss after another, (the truth), and it seems agony besets me all the time. Adoption loss sets into motion its own agony, which Does Not go away, and the human tragedies I've experienced in this lifetime, could probably not be tolerated by many people.

So, I stand to say, I will not search for my daughter, and I actually am angry with her, angry where all this unresolved grief and dreams lost..(like your word "Keds"...sabotaging), have taken me, and do not dare to have another super-painful thing in my life. I wish I cared, but as "Jannyroo" said, 'self-preservation' is at stake. And, that's the bottom line.

[keds]

Hi Jannyroo, I should tell you that he IS very sorry - he's sporting a shiner and, if he ever decides to run with me again he'll be wearing a cup. Needless to say, at the very least I now know that I can take care of myself, should the situation arise again. What an idiot! I have quite a bit of "middle age rage" though so I think he took the brunt of it.

Anyway, Christmas, I am so sorry that you have had such a rough time. I'm only realizing since reunion how my life choices all were affected by my pregnancy, birth and relinquishment of my son. I sometimes feel that I have lived a "wasted life" and that relinquishment paved the way for all the others to enjoy a "normal" life and yet I have stumbled and fumbled my way through with many, as you say, tragedies that seem to have me down for the count over and over again.

Anyway, I can tell you that as painful as reunion has been the good has outweighed the bad. In my case, I spent hours, sometimes days, worrying about him and feeling guilty. The guilt is still there but at the very least I know he's safe, tells me he's happy and has had a much "better" life than I. That brings up other feelings of inadequacy better left alone for now so I DO understand your decision not to search. God knows when the agency contacted me 5 years ago saying he was interested in meeting me and then dropped the ball I thought he had driven by, took one look, and ran for the hills. Unfortunately, he thought the same thing but the agency misplaced the file. Tells you something about how much help I had before during and after my pregnancy. I still feel hatred, strong word as I don't believe in hate, towards one of the SW for her carelessness. I have to work through that still!

Take care of yourself and don't beat yourself up if you feel you can't search or you're angry. I think most of my problems arise because I'm not honest with myself about my feelings. I've learned I can deal with them without hurting anyone else. I think Rose mentioned on another post you shouldn't invest more in a relationship than you are willing to lose. Unfortunately, I will put my whole heart out there, but that's me. My husband, bdad, can't put anything on the table. That doesn't mean he isn't right as well. Everyone has a different tolerance level for both emotional and physical pain. It is important to recognize and say "when". Take care and nice to hear from you. I often feel I am monopolizing the boards (but I am rather chatty at times). LOL

[kakuehl]

Hi all... I'm posting briefly to say, I'm thinking of you all. I had a good day talking with D's amom yesterday at a family birthday party. Please know that sometimes our birthchildren do mature and are capable of adult relationships with their birthparents...

[SheilaK]

I'd like to hear from all triad members who experienced pain with contact & reunion. What was behind the pain, and how did it manifest itself? What was your reaction to your pain? What was the intensity, and how long did it linger?

I have been in reunion with my birthdaughter for 4 1/2 years and am realizing that we are both in a bit of a "pullback" stage at present. The first year was truly euphoric, with lots of contact - visits and emails. However during that time I was troubled by the fact that I wasn't able to really feel the same kind of love for her that I did with the children I had raised. It seemed that I felt numb. I was very concerned about her feelings, her pain, and not wanting to cause her any more pain. And I was feeling self critical - nothing new about that.

It has just been recently that I've been able to look back over the past 4 years and realize all the pain I was feeling. When I first found out I was pregnant, I went to the school counsellor - I was in boarding school. The counsellor basically looked after the whole thing, including that the baby would be placed for adoption. Once the school year ended, she had me placed me in a home where I babysat and housecleaned. During the last month or so, I was sent to an unwed mother's home to await delivery.

I was shocked (and terrified) when I found out I was pregnant. Once the plans were made, I just became a robot until the whole thing was over. I completely buried any feelings about the baby. I could not even think "my baby".

So 38 years later when I registered online and matched up with my birthdaughter within five minutes, I was totally unprepared for what feelings might arise. The euphoria was natural - I was very happy to be reunited with a lovely young woman, happily married with three children. She was enjoying a good life.

But now to get to the pain. I began drowning in this pain, and didn't even realize what was happening. The pain was the buried feelings and emotions finally arising. The anger against my parents, the anger against the injustice of getting pregnant, the pain of childbirth, scars on my breasts and bottom - my body was ruined before I was even 20 years old, the shame I felt for being an unwed mother. But the deepest pain was the feelings of loss and grief that I had never mourned. And now, meeting my daughter, the loss of really knowing her was huge and the remorse and guilt of leaving this vulnerable little baby - I felt like a monster. Who could do this.

I always thought I was the kind of person who could not push a button and hide away negative feelings, but I sure did a good job of completely burying the thoughts and emotions surrounding that time of my life - but it was there all the time.

Although the feelings of euphoria during the initial stage of reunion were very real, the painful feelings were also real and I am now acknowledging them. I don't feel numb towards my birthdaughter and her children anymore - I have warm feelings in my heart about them all. But I do feel somewhat cautious - maybe not cautious, but emotionally exhausted.

And I do feel misunderstood. Two people in reunion are certainly coming at it from completely different viewpoints, with different sources of pain and grief. It's truly a wonder that reunions are successful at all.

Sheila