[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by StepDad

Hi. I joined to get some advice. My wife posts here and knows her way around the forums, but I am new and still learning. My wife is about to enter reunion soon, and I just want to get some advice on how to best be there for her and her son. StepDad

Hello StepDad..

I think this is a very important topic.. My husband really helped me when I went into reunion..
He gave me the support I needed and did his very best to not tell me what to do or how to do it..

I will never ever forget the moments we had before I met my bson.. We drove down from Vancouver to near Seattle.. We took the ferry across to the land on the other side of Washington state.

He phoned on the cell phone to get instructions on how to get to their home.. I could not have done it..
I will always love that man for the help he gave.. Yes he did things that made me nuts.. But he was there with me every step of the way..

Jackie

[janiej]

I echo what Jackie just said. My poor husband has been through so much with this reunion thing. Some days I just don't know how he does it.

The important thing is, he does not ever tell me what to think, when to think it, how to "feel", etc.
He just listens, holds me when I cry, laughs when I laugh. And like Jackie's, mine drives me nuts too sometimes. But he is "there" for me, and I know it.
He and my son also have a great relationship, and for that I am eternally grateful.
(Gee, maybe I should nominate him for "sainthood", huh ? )

It is not an easy thing this reunion ride, as you will see if you "poke around" this forum. But the support from others in our family is paramount if there is to be any chance at success. And it looks to me that just by your coming here, willing to ask questions, willing to find help for yourself in all of this, that you are going to be a great support system for her.

I wish you both well on your new "journey". Just "be there" for her, for them.

[Montraviatommyg]

Echoing Jackie and Jane, my husband has been my tower as you are to your wife. Keep being there for her and you can't go wrong.

Pip

[Jackiejdajda]

I hope he finds this thread..

Jane it is good to see you post here.. I am terrified of your thread.. Ya I know its silly..

Jackie

[janiej]

Jackie- good to see you too !!
Terrified of the thread, huh ? Not silly at all. Some topics just went too deep for me. They hurt.
I'm going to take a break from it, and try to "regroup".

I too hope StepDad finds this thread.

[Montraviatommyg]

I've pm'd StepDad with the link for this thread ...

Pip

[StepDad]

Hi. Just to let all of you know, I won't be able to have regular contributions to these threads. I can get online MAYBE twice a week, so I will respond when I can!

In this process of trying to find out how to best help my wife as she prepares to enter reunion, we have hit a huge snag that I have to admit, I didn't see coming.

After her initial conversation with her son, she had finally let go of an enormous weight by telling him that she was raped 26 years ago. He was very understanding, it seemed that he felt as if he had hurt her by asking (which he hadn't), and he thanked her for not aborting him. She then felt free enough to tell me, later, after their conversation. I had not known this before and was devastated to learn that my wife had suffered so many years ago. Alone. I wanted to kill the man who did this to her... Wrap my hands around his neck and squeeze the life right outta him, like he tried to do to my wife.

Friday afternoon, somebody in my wife's family 'stumbled' upon her journal online and read it. Within hours, the entire family had either read it, or had it read to them over the phone. They were e-mailing each other, calling far-off relatives and telling them where to go and read this 'garbage', you wouldn't believe what nonsense she has written for the world to see... By Saturday morning, they are now big in numbers, and bold enough to start calling my wife.

She gets lambasted for making up such a horrible, horrible story, and for portraying her parents as such evil bad guys for the whole world to see. They "Are appalled at your denunciation of mom and dad and for the lies contained in this fabrication".

My wife is beside herself. She can't believe that what she thought would be their reaction to this 26 years ago is not only correct, but still holds true today.

I can understand the complexities of a troubled 17 year old girl who was just SURE that her parents lacked the ability to deal with her situation, so to avoid a forced abortion, she hid the pregnancy until it was too late. And never told her story to them. For good cause, I now see.

What I CAN'T understand is the complexity of a dysfunctional family who would think that their daughter, or sister, or Aunt is capable of 'creating' a ficticious story after all these years. Why would ANYBODY lie about something as horrific as what my wife went through????????? I cannot imagine not believing my sister or brother about something of this importance.

I guess she was right 26 years ago. She understood then how screwed up they all were, she knew EXACTLY how things would go down. I'm sorry that she had to find out that she was right in this fashion... StepDad

[JoEvans]

My husband has been there for me too. When I reunited with my youngest last Aug. He was so patient. Imof, he is the one that told me, after the reunion, not to give up on her. (it didnt go so well.. my daughter and I didnt speak for a few weeks afterwards)

All I can say, is I am sure glad I had told my husband about my children before we got married. And I am very thankful that I have a supportive husband.

[janiej]

StepDad~~ I am sooo sorry to read your last post. How terrible she must feel. On one hand, she has the unspeakable joy of reunion. And now, she must deal with this family ????

All I can say right now is that I am so glad you are there for her. I am sure you are dealing with your own "stuff" right now too, regarding what she has revealed to you. How difficult it must have been for her to keep this from you. Perhaps she knew how her family would react, and was afraid you would do the same ???? That is why she did not tell you before ????

Oh my, I do hope things work out for all of you. Please just try and focus on the task at hand. That being the reunion between she and her child. Take it one step at a time, and try doing it "together", as a team.
You come across here as a wonderful man, who will go to any lengths to help her and her child with this. She now has one more huge circumstance thrown into the mix, and believe me, the reunion in itself is hard enough going without all this other crap.

Again, all I can say is I hope you can work together with her, and find some kind of stability in all of this. It will not be easy, but I believe you can do it as you have shown nothing but understanding throughout this process of reunion that she chose to undertake. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

[StepDad]

Hi Janiej. Apparently, my wife never spoke of this with anyone other than her best friend 26 years ago. Her family never knew, her ex-husband never knew, no one. Until she told her firstborn child the awful truth, I don't think that she was capable of telling anyone else. He had to know first. Within hours of her telling him (not all of the details), she told me. I don't feel as if she betrayed me by not letting me in on something that affected her immeasurably, I totally understand her chain of command. Doesn't mean I don't wish that I had known this all along, if only for her comfort in having to go through this for so many years alone. And yes. She knew EXACTLY how her family would react, and I'm very sorry that she was correct. StepDad

[lillian47]

I am the spouse of a wonderful birthmother. I read alot of the posts but this is my first post. After reading stepdad's post I wanted to answer because I know exactly what you are saying because as the old saying says "Been there done that". I have been married for 34 years to this wonderful lady and from the very first time she had told me what had happened to her. My first reaction was because it had only been three months since she had relinquished her daughter not by choice but forced I asked her if she could get her back. I can tell you that we tried and tried even after we were married but it all came down to monetary means. The one person that could have helped her because they had the means was her father and all he could say "what is done is done".

I want you to know that after 34 years of riding on a rollercoaster with her I would not changed a thing. I have always stood by her and I have even shed tears with her.

I know how you feel that you would like to put your hands around the guys neck because in my wife's case I look at it as rape also. I read on another posts about birthmothers losing their heads and winding up in bed with someone but I can truly tell you that I have no doubt in what she told me. In her case she knew someone for about six months. He would call at work invite her out till one day the guy decided that he would not be a nice guy. They were out with another couple they were having dinner and drinks then they all go back to her apartment and thats when he decides to give her more drinks and put something in her drink and took advantage. She did not see him for about two months then he called her like as if nothing had ever happened. When he went to pick her up she met him at the door she told him she was pregnant. His answer was " I am married seems you have a problem that you need to take of" and walked out. She has never seen him in over 35 years.
I can also tell you that lately it has become very difficult because she has had to bring in her father to live with us because he is 92 years old. This man shows no remorse for what he did in forcing my wife to relinquish her daughter. I can tell you that every day I bite my tongue because I would like to tell him because of what he did how many lives it has effected. I would like to tell him that when he made his decision to put that poor incident child out into the world that was the most cruel and inhumane thing anyone could do just because he would not be a father to support and stand up for his daughter.

She also has two older brothers that turned their back on her one was in VietNam at the time but I guess my question to him will be "Was there no pen and paper that you could have written her a letter asking her how you could have helped Her"? The other brother was stationed in a military base less than an hours drive from the unwed mothers home that her father put her in and chose not to have any contact with her. The home called him when she went into labor and he chose not to even come then.

I can tell you after all these years I have come to one conclusion that her father and her brothers have to be the most cold hearted people I have ever come across. As to her mother I would have to say that the lady was the most wonderful mother in law that anyone could ever have. I truly believe that she was against relinquishing her granddaughter but she had no say in the matter and it costs her life because she died at a young age and I know what she told me before she died.

My wife has found her birthdaughter but they have not had a reunion. At the present she has chosen to what the call "Pulling Back" but I tell my wife not to give up hope because God works in mysterious ways.

In closing I think that you are a very special person stepdad for standing up and supporting your wife because it does take a special man to be married to a birthmother.

Oscar Husband of a Wonderful Birthmother

[eastendmommy]

Wow Oscar. What a post. StepDad is my husband, and your story brought tears to my eyes. Not enough husbands lending their cyber support, but lending support at home where it is needed. Glad to see you're doing both. I am sorry for your wife's pain. I know how she feels, I think. You men who come around this mostly female forum are a breed all your own! You deserve a huge pat on the back for supporting your wife, Oscar, and for being vocal about it. My husband wanted to try and help me get through reunion, now he is stuck helping me with my (still) dysfunctional family... He's got some pretty thick skin and broad shoulders! I know that your wife appreciates your comfort and support, Oscar. It is so vital in our healing and success in this endeavor. Without the support of my husband, I would be dead in the water. I can accomplish anything with him by my side. Keep coming around. I'm sure that my husband could use another kindred spirit. Tammi

[Montraviatommyg]

Tammi and StepDad,

I have read the journal and no matter what Tammi's family want to belief they should be supporting both of you not being hateful. Families can be so cruel at times and believe that their behaviour is acceptable...thank goodness for these supportive forums. Tammi, I wasn't raped as you already know, yet I do know what it is like to have a dysfuntional family. They have done some dreadful things in their time which includes hurtful things they have done since my son found them prior reunion. These include telling him lies so he doesn't know at times who to believe. One thing that has hurt him and as far as I'm aware he believes me about is over my family "claiming" they didn't know where I was. Initially this was true due to a falling out but for almost 3 years before and up to reunion they had known. Subsequently he thought I didn't want to know him and that my family were covering for me.

StepDad even though I wasn't raped my husband has felt like physically hurting the man I fell pregnant by for several reasons. These include for hurting me emotionally and for rejecting our son. What you are feeling is perfectly normal but you are a better man than the man who hurt Tammi. The fact that you want to support her is the best gift you personally can give her so carry on with this. You, like my husband, are her rock and by supporting her that you are a good husband. Being open and honest about your feelings is the best way to carry on even through the hard times. My husband has been honest with his negative feelings which has been difficult for both of us at times BUT it has brought us closer together.

It is difficult to have contact with a dysfunctional family ... my husband already knew what mine was like but since reunion/stalled reunion they have really got his back up. It is little wonder that so many of us have as little to do with our families as we can.

Hugs to both off you

Pip

[eastendmommy]

You know, Pip, I think that I've noticed that same 'trend' myself : that alot of birthmothers seem to have little contact with their family. No wonder, what with how we were treated all those years ago... Now, mine is picking up where they left off, thinking (I guess?) that I'm still that scared little girl that they can push around. The other thing about this that really gripes my gnads is how they claim to be such Christians. I'm not going to even go into detail about how I feel about that!!! Bet you know!! Tammi

[Jackiejdajda]

I grew up in a dysfunctional family.. When I went home pregnant out of wedlock my mom decided I was to get an abortion.
We spent a lot of time looking for an illegal abortionist.. this was 1965.
She sent me into a place where I was totally vulnerable.. An illegal doctor (but Jackie he is a doctor from Cuba) who basically forced me to have sex with him in order to get the abortion.. It was a sort of check up.
I refused to go back there.. I told my mom no more.. No can do.. I will give the baby up rather than abort.

My bson found me in late 1999. He came to my city a few years later and I took him to meet my dad in the nursing home. Mom passed on a few years before he found me..
Dad welcomed him and spoke with him and so on and so on.. Heck they are incredibly similar.. And dad never ever said a word to me about my emotions.. Not allowed in the past and not allowed in the present....
I can remember forcing the conversation.. I can remember saying that bson was not replying and I was kind of upset..
Dad said..”Let it run its course Jackie”.

I do not think I told my parents about that doctor that liked the girls.. But then he was busted because other girls or women told.. Headlines in the newspaper.
But I do not remember any kind of conversation with them on what happened.. I do not remember my mom or dad giving me nurture or help from the trauma..
I remember just biting the bullet..

And I know the rule of secrecy was in place.. Never ever tell..

So I understand the reaction of the family when rape is or was mentioned and or written about.. I know my mom would never ever have been able to sort my telling about my bson or what happened in that abortionists office.. She would have been as angry as a person can get..
And hey.. this is why some of us relinquished..

I think my bson was well out of it.. I know he was well out of it.. The insanity..

I know how I sorted my issues with my bmom.. I know that I learned how to love myself.. Love myself enough to protect myself from my mom and her insanity.. her secrets and lies.. How to say no to her and never ever let her get to me again..
I forgive her.. forgave her.. for not thinking of me when the trouble came.. She was not able.. I think it was because I was part of her and she never ever thought of herself as someone who should be nurtured and helped..
No emotions in our home..

I stand back and look at them.. I see my dad before he died with all his unsure-id-ness.. His fear and his inability to sort what should be sorted.. Should be resolved.. like the birthmom that told her bchild about what happened.. That is standing in the truth.. (I can not remember the names)
She is the one who is well.. They (the ones who want the secret keeping) are the ones who are messed up..

Jackie