"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having a different past!

***kakuehl*** · #1 08-21-2007, 08:17 PM

I just found this quote in a book, "Who was it who said forgiveness is giving up all hope of having a different past? ... [To forgive] is also a statement about the future. To forgive is to say that the past, which shows no signs of changing, is not the only thing that will determine the shape of the future."

What do you think about forgiveness? How has it played a part in your reunion? Do you think the definition of forgiveness above has merit for your life?

**Mommy24** · #2 08-21-2007, 08:29 PM

Wow Kathy what a powerful quote! I will give this more thought and come back. I am not in reunion yet but it applies to much of what I have been through in the last 17 years.

quantum · #3 08-21-2007, 11:40 PM

I have forgiven myself because my bson is a great person.

I am struggling with forgiving my parents and the way they have been acting since I've 'come out' about searching and finding my son makes it harder. They just don't talk about it and then if I force the issue, they act like the 22 years of silence and even the silence between me asking them specifically about it don't exist!

keds · #4 08-22-2007, 05:56 PM

Kathy that is a great quote. I have forgiven everyone else involved in the decision to place my son but not myself. I'm early on in the reunion process and I sense that my son holds no ill will and he has had a great life with all the opportunities and success I had hoped for when making my decision but I'm not sure I will ever forgive myself and in the context of your quote it may be that I would still have preferred to have raised him myself. The second part of your post has made me think long and hard about changing my perception of myself with respect to self-worth and identity. I'm not the 17 year old that couldn't do anything right anymore! Thanks.

***kakuehl*** · #5 08-22-2007, 06:06 PM

I found the quote to be a powerful one for me personally and very true in my life. As I read the stories of so many birth/first mothers, it seems that many of us retain (at least a little) the desire to somehow change the past. Since that's an impossibility, we let the past have control over our present and see no hope for our future. The power of forgiveness is that when we are forgiven and when we forgive (ourselves and others), we are freed from the control those past events have exercised over our lives. We free to become new people, to grow and be healthy emotionally.

keds · #6 08-23-2007, 05:54 AM

I agree. I have let the past, and those who "bind" me to it rule the last 27 years of my life. Since I first heard from my bson and realized that he doesn't hate me (what I expected, how silly) I realize I'm not a complete screw up and do have good qualities! I no longer worry about "what people think", although I do respect their feelings which is quite different. I have told my bson that I wouldn't change a thing but for completing my masters degree which I have just recently enrolled in courses to do so. People will judge but there was a quote on one of the posts that hit home - "the people that matter don't mind and the people that mind don't matter"! All the best.

SchmennaLeigh · #7 08-23-2007, 06:28 AM

I've forgiven everyone but the agency. I struggle with that one big time.

browneyes0707 · #8 08-23-2007, 06:41 AM

I think because the only person I relied on to make the decision to place was myself, I never felt I had to forgive anyone, KWIM? I long ago gave forgiveness to DD's b-dad for not stepping up to the plate until the end. But I did feel for a long time that at least my thoughts were "living in the past". I had a really hard time with romantic relationships for a long time after placement, and it wansn't until I let go of that baggage so to speak that I found the person I was meant to be with.

I was a little taken aback when I found myself recently having to forgive MYSELF for not exploring the parenting option a little more extensively. I am thourougly happy in my life and I think the DD has a great life as well, and my option to parent could have changed all that. For better or worse who knows, since I try not to dwell on what we will never know for sure. But I know I had been willing to parent with b-dad's help, and it wasn't until recently that I realized we would have been OK if I parented, that if I had explored it more extensively that it wouldn't have taken me 16 years to figure that out.

But we do what we believe is right at the time, and I believe I did, I believed in placement 110%, so I can't be too hard on myself!

Great quote kathy!

keds · #9 08-23-2007, 07:42 AM

brown eyes - you are so right - I try on concentrate on the good now rather than the bad. both my husband, bdad and bson have very successful careers and have enjoyed a rich and happy life, I seem to be the only one that couldn't get a grip! I think one reason I married my husband was because I didn't think I was good enough for anyone else but we do love each other and I did try to form other relationships but there was too much history etc. We've been married 22 years this month so something was right. I believe that has made a difference to my bson as well as the only reason we placed him was because neither of us were ready to be parents. I don't think we would have stayed together had we tried to raise him ourselves and certainly all our loves would be different - small consolation but, as you say I try not to dwell on the "what ifs" anymore.

Schmenna Leigh - I too have to say I harbour great feelings of resentment and anger towards the SW at the time of placement. I did not receive counselling and really wasn't aware of the time that I could try and parent (also, I did try and change my mine within the time but was told once I signed the papers that was it! Not true!) Anyway, the same agency was involved in our reunion and I was blessed to have a wonderful SW this time although I did see the other lady in the office one day and she turned away. She was embarassed and would not speak with me. I should have spoken my mind and set things right as now I still feel that there are things left undone. I may still make an appointment with her but I'm not sure I would be as diplomatic as I should be! All the best.

kune · #10 08-27-2007, 02:37 AM

Kathy
Forgiveness allows us to move forward. It's something that is an intregal part of my day; every day. I'm getting better at it bit by bit. I forgive the driver who cuts in front of me at a roundabout. The shop assistant who is too busy texting her friends to serve me. The rain that spoils my gardening efforts... and myself for my negative thoughts or my mini panic attacks.

Quote:

How has it played a part in your reunion?

Forgiveness has had a profound effect on me - it made me realise how futile it was to be ashamed and guilty for 33 years - and I finally worked out that I (the adult) needed to forgive the teenager who really did not have the life skills or support to be a Mom.
I hope my son also forgives me. He says he does but......maybe ?????
I think acceptance goes hand-in-hand with forgiveness. Acceptance of what is - and looking forward to more.
(Mmm...I still struggle with that sometimes too!!) But my past does define who I am today.

Ann

Found at last · #11 08-28-2007, 04:43 PM

I'm not good at forgiveness. So, I guess you could say that I'm stuck.

Found

***kakuehl*** · #12 08-28-2007, 04:57 PM

As I said earlier, what struck me about that quote is the thought that we do somehow seem to think that there is some way we can change the past... Forgiveness means we've given up that (unreal) expectation and begin to see/believe that the past doesn't have to completely control the present. Forgiveness takes practice!

kune · #13 08-28-2007, 09:33 PM

And a different mindset. To move our thinking to what is possible......... rather than what happened in the past.

Question for all - So many times we identify someone else who had a hand in the relinquishment. Do you think we took the "victim" mindset to minimise our hurt? I don't mean we became victims as such, but if you can identify another (be it family or agency etc) it allows us a place to direct our anger? A means of coping with the blame/hurt?

Ann

quantum · #14 08-28-2007, 11:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kune

Question for all - So many times we identify someone else who had a hand in the relinquishment. Do you think we took the "victim" mindset to minimise our hurt? I don't mean we became victims as such, but if you can identify another (be it family or agency etc) it allows us a place to direct our anger? A means of coping with the blame/hurt?

Ann

I don't know if I ever had thought of myself as a victim persay...BUT after finding my bson and facing up to what happened and so onI definately find myself angry at the doctor who pushed the closed adoption. I just didn't know any better, put my trust in someone which was severely misguided.

Actually I think that's at the root of a lot of the issues. So many of us were so young, we trusted our family, people in authority, and they let us down. Whether they were capable of helping us in the way we neede dor not is another story.

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