[Jannyroo]

after 14 months since first contact, my son has finally made it so difficult for me to cope with his pain, that emotionally I've collapsed. After no effort from him whatsoever towards a 2nd meeting, and him phoning me up twice when he'd been drinking, I called the 2nd meeting off. He was unkind on the phone and it ended up with him putting the phone down on me.

For the past few weeks I just didn't want him in my life. Now I'm feeling a smidgen better, I've emailed him, but I'm close to breaking down.

I don't think I could have put it better than the post copied in part below:

Snow White
Your birthmom dealt with a lot of pain after giving you up and she probably can't deal with anymore pain. Your desire to have your birthmom care for your pain is too difficult for her, since she felt pain as well by giving you up. To restore your relationship, it would take a professional to help you both. Because alone in pain you both are easily swayed .....you are both hurting. Remember your birthmom is a mom for the first time right now and wants to do it right. She doesn't know how to parent someone older, like you. She never learned yet.

That is why is she no longer wants to be around you. You are too much pain for her. She loved you as a baby and did what she thought was best. Had you come back saying thank you, I had a wonderful life, she would have known that her pain was worth it. Now she may see that her pain was not worth it and in addition she has more pain to endure by watching your anger. To heal your pain, it will be better to do it through someone else.

Veronika[/quote]

I feel such a failure. At the minute, I'm having neighbour problems that have been ongoing for a year and am about to have a meeting with the Housing Trust and Police to see if a tenant can be evicted, coupled with trying to stay strong for my son and his anger and drink issues (last year it was drugs, but I'm hoping he's off those now after a scare last year), but I had to change my phone number. I had to protect myself from his unpleasantness when he drinks he knows he just isn't a nice person.

The mother in me wants to reunite with my son.
His amother is used to his outbursts and he thinks I should be able to as well. I can't. He needs to take responsibility for himself as a grown man now, but I only find child like reactions to his hurts.

Thanks for letting me vent. I've been so close to a breakdown; I've just emailed him to say hi and hope he understands, its all gotten too much.

So many of you seem strong and able to cope out there and I feel such a failure. He is such hard work and won't see an adoption counsellor, even though it would be free where he lives.

I can't handle him in my life but I don't want life without him either. Has anyone else been in this dreadful situation?

[lonni]

We all (adoptees or anyone) have to seek therapy for our emotional pain if needed. You can NOT be codependant with your son and feel guilty. Only your son can fix his root problems and maybe then he can let you into his life without sabatoging everything. (((((Jennaroo)))))

[Juliana13]

I agree with lonni.
My heart goes out to you, for your heartache and your desire to love him. I can't offer much in the way of advice, but wanted to give you a (((HUG))).

He is a grown man, and must make his own choices. His choices and inability to handle this relationship well do NOT make you a failure. A counselor might be able to help you with your own emotions and issues, and give advice on appropriate boundaries and how to deal with him in healthy ways.

We've all made mistakes, and we all have issues and challenges to deal with, - some of us more than others. But it is obvious that you love him and want this to work. Good luck, and know that you are not a faliure. Do what you need to do to take care of youself. You aren't much good to him anyway, until you are okay yourself.
-Juliana

[PastorStephanie]

Just wanted to add my support for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[keds]

As another bmom in a "different" reunion, I echo everyone's thoughts and opinions to date. His issues are owned by him not you but I recognize your feelings and position that you want to do everything to make it work. I don't think I could seek help from a counselor - I'm too ashamed but, as others have offered, it may make your way easier. Everyone deals in their own way, you can only control your emotions and responses, he has to do the same. All the best and HUGE ((HUGS)). If you need support pm me. As the Beatles said, " I get by with a little help from my friends". All the best.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Juliana13

I agree with lonni.
My heart goes out to you, for your heartache and your desire to love him. I can't offer much in the way of advice, but wanted to give you a (((HUG))).

He is a grown man, and must make his own choices. His choices and inability to handle this relationship well do NOT make you a failure. A counselor might be able to help you with your own emotions and issues, and give advice on appropriate boundaries and how to deal with him in healthy ways.

But it is obvious that you love him and want this to work. Good luck, and know that you are not a faliure. Do what you need to do to take care of youself. You aren't much good to him anyway, until you are okay yourself.
-Juliana

Hi, thanks for your kind thoughts. I feel very beaten up at the minute. I do have counselling and she is great, she is a bmother herself and she emails me on top of the once a month sessions that the county council pay for, as she sees I'm struggling in what she sees as a successful reunion overall (14 months). As you say and she agrees too, that his inner child is rampant and he needs to get a grip on it and his drinking.

My counsellor has said that sometimes angry adult adoptees need it spelt out to them as to what you are going through and I did email him to explain to him that I was having neighbour problems, that I was thinking of him, but I was close to having a breakdown, especially with his previous behaviour.

I sent him the email yesterday as an olive branch outlining the awful time I'm having my end, and had no idea what he would do or say, or whether he'd even reply, so imagine my surprise when I had such a lovely response from him the next day. He was very supportive and amongst other things he said "I think its because you are my birth mother that I wanted you to feel and understand my pain desperately, to show that you understood and cared what I had been through, and I think I was acting out of emotion as opposed to thinking of how this would affect you and the fact that you are new at this.. being a mother for the first time.. I will take it easy with your emotions".

I am very encouraged by that, but will keep the option of him phoning me for the time (I changed numbers) out of reach until I can see him steady out and other aspects of my life change. As the responses to my thread have reassured me, I do love him (sometimes I feel I could just leave it, give up, the pressure is so intense, and move on with my life, as if) but these are the ups and downs of family life and I never had a family life myself. Lets hope that things improve. Its been an up and down time alright and I need some repair time now, as I feel utterly trashed by so many things.

Thanks for the support all of you, I don't know how I would cope without this website, its been so amazing and so helpful. Like I said to my son, for every ounce of calm and collectiveness I've shown him, I've need pounds of support and encouragement and strength myself!

[kakuehl]

As a person with co-dependent tendencies, there are times when I have literally walked around my house saying "That's not MY problem." (Out loud.) As a pastor, I get to practice this a lot!!! It is sometimes even more difficult with my children I find.

My reunion with D has not been the painful one that you have experienced, mostly because I found D at a very good point in his life. He did express anger about me to his parents when they told him I had contacted him. He has not taken it out on me. (Again, I've been lucky... although truthfully I worry that the anger is there.)

Jannyroo, I encourage you to maintain your own boundaries. As others have pointed out, the anger is his to deal with not yours. He has made a good first step, but you will need to continue to maintain your boundaries. He probably won't change completely at once. It takes time. Be as calm as you can and tell him, that you can't (won't) converse with him when he's like that; he's welcome to call you when he can treat you with the respect you deserve.

Recognise that all of us (or at least most of us) have unrealistic expectations of our children. My husband just asked me if our son (raised by us) ever thanks me for being a good mother... the answer is no. It's Father's Day and D did call but he's still too busy telling us what we did wrong... I really don't expect my bson to be grateful to me for any of my decisions about him (although he did tell me his mom had told him I could have chosen to have an abortion.) Much as I would love to have D tell me he loves me, that's my need and not his responsibility. My only hope is that he has come to understand how much I do love him and care about him and his family.

Take each day as it comes and recognise that sometimes it's one step forward and two back!

[Snow White]

Jannyroo,
Thank you for using my quote :-) I am an adoptive mom who tries to understand the side of the birthmom and it was neat to know that I do understand some scenarios. Hope things get better for you with your birthson. I am glad you are getting some help and making boundaries such as not allowing him to call you until he is more stable. Sending you hugs. Hang in there.

[kakuehl]

Jannyroo, how are you doing?

[keds]

Jannyroo, How are you? I need to focus on someone else and I've been thinking of you since you had such good advice for me. If it gives you some comfort, I'm out on the ledge with you. Let's step back inside and have a coffee and try and make sense of it all. I never knew how much it could hurt until now. If I can do anything for you let me know. I know I really appreciate everyone on the forums.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by keds

Jannyroo, How are you? I need to focus on someone else and I've been thinking of you since you had such good advice for me. If it gives you some comfort, I'm out on the ledge with you. Let's step back inside and have a coffee and try and make sense of it all. I never knew how much it could hurt until now. If I can do anything for you let me know. I know I really appreciate everyone on the forums.

Hi Keds, I've sent a reply to your post yesterday and hope it helps, with regards to your reunion with your son. I'm getting an awful lot out of doing a journal, so maybe you may want to take a look and also get some relief that these up and down feelings are part of the reunion process! Yeh, the feelings, the feelings, unbelievable aren't they? I never knew I could go through such mental agony. If you check out my threads, you will see a lot of emotional agony!!!! I don't honestly know how we've arrived where we are, there should be university courses to guide us through reunion, slowly! without going bonkers! (old fashioned English name for nuts!). It does level out in time though, there is so much to re-live through that comes through with an unbelievable ferocity. I know you say you feel bad about seeing a counsellor, but you know, it may well help, but if its that hard, this forum is more than a lifesaver.

I'm doing ok actually. Have had to put in some discipline and hang on in there, but the journal shows my journey. Nearly had a breakdown, but his forum helps SOOOO much! Having another reunion so soon sounds promising for you, as I'm still waiting 16 months on and he messed up big time when we were going to meet up end of May (Bank Holiday), so I'm finding we've levelled out. I think emailing him some photos of my lounge showing pictures of him in frames on the wall and on my table sent a big message and he seems much calmer and happier. Am waiting for the postman today, as he's sent me pictures of his afamily and I can't wait, it will be the first time I will have seen these people that love him so much and have given a solid background for him (despite the fact he's given them a hard time because emotionally they are so disimilar). Things are looking good, for now. Speak soon! Jannyroo

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

Jannyroo, how are you doing?

Hi Kakuehl, thanks for asking (oh its so good to be asked how are you doing!).

My son and I are 16 months into reunion now and its been excruciating. HOWEVER! we are levelling out now, because I've had to show him that as much as I love him and want a relationship, I had to put some very firm boundaries in and hand it back and say, if this relationship is to work, then you have to stop beating me up emotionally, because I have my own pain to deal with and I can't take on yours as well. (Snow white et al had a brilliant post the other day which I cut and paste and sent to him and he responded very maturely to it) If this relationship is to happen, then he has to get a grip on his drinking (which he has and is trying). The option to phone me at home has been removed. He now emails me and i dont keep him waiting if he does. However, I am now at the stage when I can get on with my life and he is running alongside it very nicely, if you get what i mean. I'm not in the grip of obsession anymore, that hits all bmothers in the early days, so I'm thankful for that. I find through this website, and my support system, that I am able to stand back and assess things and think "that isn't right" and apply discipline lovingly and firmly and he seems to be doing well on it. Without a doubt he knows that I love him, but he gets tough mother love as well when it is needed, but without my being unpleasant or holding it against him.

My adoption counsellor is great. She is a birthmother in reunion herself (now into 17yrs) and is soooo marvellous. She just lets me talk and for the first 6 sessions I don't think she got a word in edgeways, whereas the first one that I changed was constantly interupting and wanting to give her take on things whereas my instincts said different. Its made such a difference having the second counsellor to talk to and we have cried together, she is "there" and not some professional just nodding and saying yeh. She's been a source of real encouragement to me and I only have 2 more sessions left so I'm going to miss her, but I have a feeling we will stay in touch. She's told me how impressed she has been with the way I've handled my son and oh! I've been so pleased with the feedback. I've just replied to Keds, so you may be interested in the journal I"ve started. Its such a release to write it down, the ups and downs and maybe something in there may make the difference for someone, I know the comments on this forum have saved me endless times and given me insight to so much!

So thanks Kakuehl, apparently my counsellor says my (tempestuous) reunion is A GOOD ONE! and you know what, I'm finally beginning to believe her!!!

[keds]

Jannyroo, Sorry, my computer has been acting up this week so I was "off line" and I'm having problems accessing the forums. Thank you so much for your good advice and I'm going to think hard about doing a journal as it sounds like it has really helped you. Kathy also has given me some terrific advice and I know that has helped me open up to my bson. I'm nervous about meeting my bson again this week (and more than a little excited) but we both agreed a "do-over" was the right thing to do as we didn't really discuss anything other than superficial things last time and we both felt the need for more. Also, he felt bad he didn't bring any photos which I took as a sign it was a once in a lifetime opportunity (which I felt I had blown). You know, meet, see that you don't have lobsters crawling out of my ears and get on with his life. I think in a way it was a good thing we stuck to general topics as it has broken the ice, so to speak, and we're better prepared to go at it again. As I mentioned on another post, I'm not going to speak "seriously" again unless asked. He told me there is a place for me in his life and that's all I need to know at this point. I've been blessed that he has such a warm and loving family. The important thing now is to help integrate him into our family - as he wishes. I am going to take this VERY slowly, and listen to what he wants and hopefully we'll find our way. I think Ann said in the other post that we have "the rest of our lives to figure it out". I hope to live a very long time! All the best and let me know how you're doing.

[kakuehl]

Hi Jannyroo and Keds:

They definitely call reunion a roller coaster ride for a reason... My reunion with D has definitely been a much calmer ride that yours (I stick to the baby rides!) but in some ways it has still turned my life upside down. I wonder sometimes if I will ever know what he really thinks/feels (although his afather seems to have the same experience with him - D doesn't share his emotions easily).

I have never done well at journaling although I often recommend it to others (LOL - another example of do as I say not as I do). I know it is helpful for many people.

Thanks to you both for the thanks! I'm glad my thoughts were helpful. It seems to me that all of us have the same goal... to have a healthy relationship with these strangers we gave birth too. One of the most positive points of these forums is the support we give each other. (It always amazes me how deeply I can care for and about people I have never met and probably will never meet in person.)

I'm so happy for both of you! (Yes, I know the relationships are not yet perfect... but it sounds like they're both on positive tracks right now.) It was good to read your latest posts.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Snow White

Jannyroo,
Thank you for using my quote :-) I am an adoptive mom who tries to understand the side of the birthmom and it was neat to know that I do understand some scenarios. Hope things get better for you with your birthson. I am glad you are getting some help and making boundaries such as not allowing him to call you until he is more stable. Sending you hugs. Hang in there.

Thanks Snow White,
I am in the grip of huge frustration at the minute. I have just taken a look at my year on the forum boards and I have 179 posts of which 45 I've done in the past 3 weeks!!!! I have a journal that helps me vent, but since I put in the boundary of not allowing him to phone, its sending me up the wall!! Now 6 weeks later, I've emailed him to say he can phone me on my mobile and I can phone him back because of a new deal I have (5 hours per month) and I feel I'm going insane with frustration. Why? cos he's always fighting his aparents to get some reaction from them, leaving him no emotional energy to put into our relationship, so I've included that in the email too. It may be confrontational, but I have reached showdown stage (second time) and it can either develop into solidifying or disengagement(I have a copy of the reunion stages that makes for interesting reading).

Funnily enough, I've just realised as I type this, that my father is like this. He's always trying to get on the better side of my sister who gives him a hard time, but to me, the daughter who always was understanding of him, he's just not interested. Could it be that my son has inherited some of my fathers characteristi