[kakuehl]

Hi Janny... I'm glad you'll be able to continue to work with your counselor. It's really amazing how each part of our lives affects/effects the rest.

[keds]

Jannyroo, I am so thankful you can continue as I feel I am benefiting from your counselling, in a strange way. Next question - I just found out I am going to be 15 minutes away from my bson's home next Thursday. Given my recent "turmoil" I am thinking I should let him know but at the same time, I want him to take the next step. What do you (and others) think? I have limited time available, and my instinct tells me to say, hey kiddo, I'm in town and I will make time for you if you want, if not, I'll take the extra time to plan for our next visit. I know you can relate to me so, even though I feel badly asking, I respect your opinion! Take care and lots of hugs and love - Kate.

[Jackiejdajda]

Jannyroo wrote..

Perhaps the "rhythm" of every 2 weeks is too much for him, perhaps it should be once a month, whilst he "gets his head sorted out" as he said in his last email.

If we can just stand back and look at them.. See them in their map of the world.. I think that has got to help with reunion..
Stay calm in self.. (aka ‘fix’ self) then we are not going in circles in our own heads..
Its like if we may miss something.. Miss a very subtle indication.

If we were meeting a stranger we would not be emotionally involved.. We would not be looking at he or she with glasses clouded with emotions.. or something like that..

Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

Kate wrote

Next question - I just found out I am going to be 15 minutes away from my bson's home next Thursday. Given my recent "turmoil" I am thinking I should let him know but at the same time, I want him to take the next step. What do you (and others) think? I have limited time available, and my instinct tells me to say, hey kiddo, I'm in town and I will make time for you if you want, if not, I'll take the extra time to plan for our next visit.

Again its standing back and seeing the whole thing.
In the anger thread you write that you feel you are reaching out all the time and are doing all the emotional work of the reunion.. (my take on your words)

Is it worth going through all the emotions involved?

Take care of you.. I say.

I know I take care of me in my reunion.. I make sure I can handle things when they go down.. because I know I am broken in places where he is concerned.. I know it..
I give myself permission to say no.. and I am willing to suffer the consequences..

The emotional wringer is awful.. for some of us.. I am no longer willing to jump in..

Jackie

[longingtomeetyou]

i just wanted to share that i have gone through alot this year also in my emotions.....i do have a strong faith and that has kept me sane....i wasnt sure if i could handle the emotional pain anymore....but with God i was able to reach out for help and i am feeling soooo much better .....i developed fibromyalgia after the emotional pain of this year......you have to take care of yourself and checkups with doc....emotional pain can develop into physical pain.....

just thought i would encourage you that your not alone in the pain of reunion....

gentle hugs and i hope you get some much needed tlc

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by keds

Jannyroo, I am so thankful you can continue as I feel I am benefiting from your counselling, in a strange way. Next question - I just found out I am going to be 15 minutes away from my bson's home next Thursday. Given my recent "turmoil" I am thinking I should let him know but at the same time, I want him to take the next step. What do you (and others) think? I have limited time available, and my instinct tells me to say, hey kiddo, I'm in town and I will make time for you if you want, if not, I'll take the extra time to plan for our next visit. I know you can relate to me so, even though I feel badly asking, I respect your opinion! Take care and lots of hugs and love - Kate.

The 15 mins away from bson and your turmoil is a lethal combination IMHO. I think its a bit like saying get on the boat when the waves are huge and you're trying to tell yourself that the boat is fine, anchored and steady!! The waves tell a different story. We all do it!

I used to drive past the turn off to my son's town and it hurt me to the core, as my sister lives 45 mins (if that) drive from where he lives. But he's just not ready for it. ALL circumstances are different, but men in particular can sense our angst and veer away as they are struggling to cope with their feelings never mind take on ours! Its bad enough for guys to cope with an emotional woman when adoption doesn't figure in it even, but when it does... I think you could end up feeling real bad. I think when the 'time out' strikes, it hurts like mad, and the heart is treacherous and starts acting up within us with try this and then try that it sends us crazy, but I think you know in your heart of hearts that its not a good move, for this particular time, but it will get better later. Instincts are like that treacherous heart. SO many times, I've thought.... and I've been wrong. BUT you could be right....its a darn treacherous leader, feelings. Logic tells me that you are wound up, but until you hear from him... you won't calm down. Wait until you feel a little steadier in your heart and when he's doing a bit more to make you feel better? Thats my 5 cents, but the bottom line is that I'm not you. I can only offer a few thoughts.

p.s. just remember the 'courtship' principle - if it was a guy you were dating, wouldn't you wait? wouldnt' you have to? guys do like to take the lead. If you've done x amount of communicating, nows the time to take yourself off the boil and vent to us lot instead. Very very hard, I've been there so many times myself, but I truly believe its time to leave him to sort himself out and make more effort.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

Jannyroo wrote..

If we can just stand back and look at them.. See them in their map of the world.. I think that has got to help with reunion..

Stay calm in self.. (aka ‘fix’ self) Jackie

I really relate to what I've learned recently and what you are saying Jackie. I recently got this info, after reading Coming Home to Self which knocked me sideways, I was reading it to understand my son, but it pertained to ME and it was a huge shock. Here's some of what Verrier says:

birthmothers who themselves had some kind of abandonment issues that haven't been worked through will have more problems sustaining the "mother" role than those who had stable childhoods.

It is not unusual for sons not to communicate very much. For one thing, they think it doesn't matter (that they don't matter) so they don't bother.

I looked at the pattern of my sons emails today. I tried to look at his world and his confusion and to stand back and not be affected by it, to be there for when he's ready and use the time I have to look at myself and what I need. Most mothers don't do that, but as you say, I think its essential. Until we DO and SAY the right thing and then WAIT, I think these three things are essential for adoptees to adjust plus TIME. You can't get someone to trust you in 5 minutes, I'm learning that. Even though I've had some good stuff from my son emotionally.

The emails show that he has backed off, sometimes nearly 2 months at a time. I didn't see this 'pattern' that is if it is one. This is for the past year. I was rejoicing so much in the NOW of good communication and had forgotten the despair of long periods of time - with almost nothing from him. April I heard nothing from him email wise and then it dawned on me - that is his birthday. Perhaps the anniversary of his birth has affected and overwhelmed him. November and December - nothing - he loves christmas with his family, so perhaps he felt under duress to share any of it with me? So, I'm trying to get into his world and see it as he may see it, as you say Jackie, it helps. The elastic of toleration can stretch that bit more when we have more insight I guess.

Trouble is, our own emotions cloud that and overtake us and send us into tailspin. Not fair, but thats the thing we have to accept, accept that its not fair, but thats the way the cookie crumbles.

Calm in self - perhaps I'm feeling a bit better after 6 weeks of strong emotions, because I'm kind of feeling 'resigned', a weariness. I can't help feeling that that is what my son wants me to feel (without knowing it), what Verrier points out is that as a baby, our children cried and cried for us to come back... and we didn't. Perhaps now we know how it felt, to want so much, for them to come back to us... and they are letting us know how bad it felt, as babies, when we didn't come back to them - the same weariness, resignation, despair, then chameleon activity as they tried to adapt to the strangers that were now theirs as family.

So, I'm hoping to get some counselling for me to be that mother that I need to be. To work out my issues, that arose when I was a child and deal with it. I have tons of memories flooding back of my family, nice ones actually and that's taken me by surprise. Its as if the emotional ice is melting and I'm starting to 'feel' and 'remember' things that have been on ice too long. Yeh, painful memories, but good ones as well. I'll let you know how I get on, as counselling with this woman is just so productive, so helpful, so caring. (((hugs))) to everyone.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

Is it worth going through all the emotions involved?

Take care of you.. I say.

.. because I know I am broken in places where he is concerned.. I know it..

I give myself permission to say no.. and I am willing to suffer the consequences..

The emotional wringer is awful.. for some of us.. I am no longer willing to jump in..

Jackie

Jackie, I read your post again and its amazing what you 'don't see' first time around.

'I know I am broken in places where he is concerned' I don't think I could have put it better myself. I often wonder if reunion is worth all the emotions involved. Good thoughts. Thanks for your insight.

[keds]

Thanks, lots to think about and maybe fate has played a part in my decision this week as I'm not in control of the agenda. Extended family plans Friday night, all day Saturday and then the long drive home on Sunday with friends. Since I won't have my own vehicle, and likely won't get 5 minutes alone, even if I wanted to sneak away for 30 minutes it would be very difficult to get there and back in such a small amount of time - and I don't think it's worth stressing out about. Besides, as Jannyroo mentioned, maybe he needs time to think through things as well! I'll see if I can resist the urge to call/text on Friday! As you can see, I'm my own worst enemy - fluctuating between anger and despair! I often wonder how those who weren't involved in adoption spend their time!

[SuddenlySusan]

Kate, have a good weekend -- it is this weekend, right?

I hope your time is so filled with fun and activities that you are able to have a good laugh or two, maybe take a brisk walk and let the cool air clear your mind... endorphins are great medicine.

(((HUGS)))
Susan

[SuddenlySusan]

Originally Posted by Jannyroo

I have tons of memories flooding back of my family, nice ones actually and that's taken me by surprise. Its as if the emotional ice is melting and I'm starting to 'feel' and 'remember' things that have been on ice too long.

Jannyroo, when I began working on a memory book for "R", I had no idea how profoundly I would be affectged by this project. I recreated for him the story of my life for the first 30 years, but I also ended up giving myself the gift of memories long forgotten.

I also was surprised by the number of sweet times and happy memories that came back to me.

I don't know how to explain it other than to say that putting together the memory book was incredibly cathartic. As I searched for photos, I found cards and letters, including a card I sent my parents for Valentine's Day while I was staying at the private home waiting for "R" to be born.

I thought I was giving a gift to "R", but I received a gift as well. It seems that as I buried my past, it was all or nothing. Now that I am recovering memories surrounding my surrender experience and validating my past, I am also recovering the happy times. My perspective on the past was clouded... what's that song? "I Can See Clearly Now, The Rain is Gone"....

I think we all need to get outside and go for a brisk walk in the cool evening air and clear our heads... and maybe that takes a day or two, or a week or two. Anybody up for a virtual walk 'round the block? We can have tea at my place afterward...

(((HUGS)))
Susan

[keds]

Susan and Jannyroo - I only have time for a quick thanks. Your thoughts, advice and support have helped me through. The weekend is going to be great! No visit with bson but we are "back on track" so to speak and I think I've made a huge step to healing. Take care.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by SuddenlySusan

I also was surprised by the number of sweet times and happy memories that came back to me.

It seems that as I buried my past, it was all or nothing. Now that I am recovering memories surrounding my surrender experience and validating my past, I am also recovering the happy times. My perspective on the past was clouded... what's that song? "I Can See Clearly Now, The Rain is Gone"....

I think we all need to get outside and go for a brisk walk in the cool evening air and clear our heads... and maybe that takes a day or two, or a week or two. Anybody up for a virtual walk 'round the block? We can have tea at my place afterward...

(((HUGS)))
Susan

Hi Susan,
I can acknowledge all that you have said above. I think we had a little 'chat' in the PTSD thread too about same subject. Validating the past... yes that's a nice feeling and that's where I am at at the minute. Its good to feel that life is starting to have colour and meaning instead of the drifting fog of nothingness that the past 3 decades has brought.

Originally Posted by SuddenlySusan

Now that I am recovering memories surrounding my surrender experience and validating my past, I am also recovering the happy times.

I don't think I could have put it better, that is such a good way of expressing it. Talking of a virtual walk, yesterday and today have been beautiful. The air is crisp with cold and the sunshine and blue sky is gorgeous. The leaves have fallen, and life is good. I love this time of year. Time for the woolly hat, the scarf, the snuggling up indoors after a walk in the cold, feeling the cheeks flush and enjoying the sunshine... in more ways than one!!

Lets take a walk, and yeh, tea around your place Susan! I'm happy to have coffee or maybe we can have a hot homemade soup with some crusty favourite bread... yum!!!

Time for a group me thinks! Take care!!!

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by keds

Susan and Jannyroo - I only have time for a quick thanks. Your thoughts, advice and support have helped me through. The weekend is going to be great! No visit with bson but we are "back on track" so to speak and I think I've made a huge step to healing. Take care.

Well done Kate. Its only normal to have these ups and downs, in this abnormal thing called 'reunion'. In time, you will get used to the ups and downs and it will be something you adjust to, like any mother adjusts as her child grows up, kinda.

I was thinking just the other day, reunion? its like giving birth and then being handed a ...28 year old???? and being told, 'this is where you start' ... like how weird is that? and yet that is what is expected in reunion. But.... we lament.... he's grown up? what and how are we supposed to start from scratch and be a mother ....to an adult...??? and thats where the challenge starts...LOL Oh my. I feel a group hug coming on again.....