[lucascat]

Hello,
I had an affair with a married man. I was married too at the time but clearly as an idiot I believed my lover and thought we would end up together. So when we got pregnant, I had the baby. He was fine with that.
My son is now one year old. I also have a daughter from my husband. I was devastated when my lover left me and not strong enough to leave or tell my husband. I ended up in therapy, on medication and I still can not face telling my husband my son is not his. And it just seems better to at least preserve my dayghter and husband than to destroy their lives.
The bio dad - who has two teenage kids decided shortly after the birth of my son that he was leaving me and went back to his family. Overnight. He saw our baby once. It was a secret affair. From being the love of his life I went to nothing.
That I have to cope with. What I can not cope with is that now he is totally refusing to acknowledge we have a baby and although it might not matter for now - one day it might matter to my son. How can a father refuse to love his son? How is that possible? I just don't understand. I know I did something awful. Classic stupid woman. Don't tell me that. Tell me what I should do - should I try to keep in touch with the bio dad or just forget the whole thing. What is the best thing for my child?
This wasn't a one night stand - it went on for more than a year. He says he will never be able to have a relationship with him. It just seems too awful. How can he chose not to love him?

[kakuehl]

I assume from what you write that your husband believes that your son is his son as well, and is raising him as such. If his name is on the birth certificate he is legally the father. Letting go of your lover means to me that you need to let go completely. If you don't intend to tell your husband, why would you want to try to force this man to be in the picture. Do you envision telling your son and making him keep it a secret? Secrets can be destructive. What kind if a relationship do you have with your husband? IMO, keeping the secret of the affair and the child (why are you so sure it's not your husband's son?) from your husband will not help you rebuild a relationship with him.

[thanksgivingmom]

i really want to be as supportive as possible, but my brother raised a son as his own only to find out it was not and it tore our family apart. i agree with kathy that honesty, earlier rather than later, would be helpful...

[bromanchik]

Your son deserves the truth. You need to figure out how and when you are going to give that to him.

[Lynn226]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

Your son deserves the truth. You need to figure out how and when you are going to give that to him.

Agreed.

The eldest child of an old friend is not the biological child of his father. His mother's husband adopted him as a toddler. From my oberservations, his father did not treat him any differently than he treated his biological children. They did not tell him until he was a teenager. His was response was that he already knew. He had suspected the truth all along.

Someone, somewhere always knows the truth and will spill the beans without consideration for the consequences.

A friend who is an adoptee told me about how her cousin (also an adoptee) and her birthmother were reunited. The adoptee and her birth siblings knew each other socially. Each knew that they were part of the adoption triad. Noone in this triad had been searching. A mutual friend knew each family well each to know their respective adoption stories. She put two and two together. She announced it to the world without approaching the triad members. They found out about their relationship to each other through the rumor mill. Their relationship is fine now, but it could have been disastrous.

Secrets rarely remain secret.

[hopingtoadoptnWV]

This is going to go against the grain here, but...
I do NOT think you should tell your husband. This is going to cause HUGE problems in your marriage and may in fact destroy it. How is that going to do anyone, especially your children, any good? How will your children benefit from a broken home and how will you face them on down the road with the truth of your infidility?
I realize you are feeling a lot of guilt over this right now and you are also suffering from the loss of the relationship with your lover. You need to work on getting over the death of that relationship and try your ****dest to reconnect to your husband. I highly suggest you seek individual theraphy from a reputable marriage and family therapist. That would give you some excellent coping strategies.
If you are a religious person you also need to ask God's forgiveness.
God Bless you and good luck!

[healingfeeling]

hoping:
why would you tell this woman to continue to LIE to her husband, daughter and son about their relationships?..... her marriage is obviously a sham if she has had an affair, wanted to leave and is still lying everyday to her husband....

lies only cause major heartache in the long run....

don't we all agree you shouldn't lie to a child that he/she is not adopted....this is the same thing, but worse because it involves many other people.

[kakuehl]

Lucascat, I'm still not sure why you are convinced that this baby is not your husband's? Apparently, he believes the child is his. Please be sure who the father is before you make your decision to tell or not!

[thanksgivingmom]

the truth WILL come out eventually, should it be now or in years? which will be more painful to this entire family?

i understand the argument that the children of this women will judge her infidelity, however might they see her as more human? when they are teenagers perhaps she can better talk to them about making smart decisions because she learned from poor decisions she made in her life.

the children and husband deserve to know the truth

[Angeleak1]

I'm sorry that you were in the situation you were in. Speaking from experience- THEY NEVER LEAVE THEIR WIVES. I have found that out the hard way. I think your daughter is better off if this guy can't step up and be a man. That would not exclude you going after child support from him. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your child. He laid down in bed with you now he should have to be responsible for that child. I wish you luck and hope you can move on with your life.

[hopingtoadoptnWV]

I said what I said because the most important thing for these children is that the family unit stay intact. Broken homes don't do any one any good. There really are no easy answers here. I don't advocate lying, of course it isn't right. Sometimes we make mistakes, doozies even, and it isn't always in the best interests of everyone to assuage our guilt by exposing the secret. Since I don't know the original poster or her husband, it is really hard to advise.
My opinion is that she should keep this secret because it could be a life destroyer. It really depends on how forgiving her husband is. People do come back as a couple from infidelity. And having known children from broken homes where the cause was infidelity, no they haven't seen that parent as more human, they've viewed them as weak, and one thing I heard from one man was that he felt his father not only betrayed his mother but the entire family. Who really can say what the children would think on down the road?
I think the best thing she should do is to seek therapy and let a qualified M&FT guide her into what would be the best course of action; keep the secret or tell her husband.
Whatever she decides I wish her and her family the best. I really hope that healing can be found for her and if needs be the family.
God Bless!

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by hopingtoadoptnWV

I think the best thing she should do is to seek therapy and let a qualified M&FT guide her into what would be the best course of action; keep the secret or tell her husband.
Whatever she decides I wish her and her family the best. I really hope that healing can be found for her and if needs be the family.
God Bless!

As a qualified MFT I can tell you that secrets are never seen as the best course of action. There is no healing in secrets. Secrets are toxic. It is not good for children to grow amidst secrets and lies either. Nor is it healthy for them to have a false sense of who their parents are.

[lucascat]

I am not a native English speaker and I am not sure what a MFT is. It has been a while since I posted and thank you for the replies.

I am really not sure that telling the truth is the right thing to do especially as bio dad and I are not in touch at all anymore. It was his choice - he really doesn't want to know about him.

So why tell and destroy the lives of eight people involved? That seems so cruel, what does anyone gain from it except life-long pain? The last conversation I had with bio dad was a disaster. He told me I could just view him as a sperm donor! This from the man I was allegedly going to be with! The man who called me his soul mate, needed me like air, wanted this baby and bla bla bla.

I am such a complete idiot and deserve to be beaten up until I bleed for my horrible behavior. But my son? I couldn't imagine my life without him.
Not for a second. He is my baby. And him and his sister adore each other.

We had made concrete plans before he decided to end it overnight and cut me and him off.

I have finally recovered after months of medication, therapy and horrible turmoil (it's been over a year now that this happened) and I am finally able to dedicate myself to my babies. My therapist of course tells me that the truth has to come out one day but understands that I do not have the strength in me to do so. At least for now.

My marriage is one of convenience. We built a home for our little family and although I lose it because of the luck of affection - neither me or my partner want to tear down the safe environment we built for our kids. We've been together for 15 years and have shared a lot of things. I guess I could say we are almost happy. Romantic love it isn't but it works. And romantic love wasn't clearly my thing so...

I know, I am pathetic. I did not realize this was an adoption forum. The night I posted I was still very broken. So I kind of randomly landed here and posted.
And my story probably doesn't have anything to do with you who give birth to children in their heart as my friends who adopted are saying to their children: You were born in my heart they tell them. I wish you all to hold in there, and give birth in your heart to those wonderful *edited due to inaccurate english translation* "children" who so desperately need you. My babies are everything for me.

[hopingtoadoptnWV]

lucascat,
It is just fine that you posted here. You should not be so hard on yourself as we all make mistakes, yes even really awful ones. MFT stands for Marriage and Family Therapist, which it sounds like you have already been seeing one so that is good. I don't know how someone who has been through what you've been through could make it without a therapist!
I don't know if you are religious or not but I have found that the Lord God is the ultimate healer, and he can heal your wounds if you invite him into them. He can also give you peace concerning this which it sounds like you desperately need.
You must do what you feel is best for you and your family. Whether that is keeping this a secret or telling it. Whatever you decide I wish you all the luck and God's blessing. If you are religious maybe you should pray and ask God what to do?

God Bless you!

[lucascat]

Thank you for your kind words. And yes I do believe in God.
At the moment I can't imagine coming out with my story although my therapist disagrees. I just would hurt so many people/ Or am I just too week to face the heavy consequences of my terrible against God behavior. I don't know anymore. I think it's the pain I would cause to all involved so in a way keeping this secret protects them. I don't know. And bio dad and I are completly not in touch anymore - why would I want him to be part of my son's life? He doesn't care for him at all. Wouldn't that hurt my baby....