[kakuehl]

I was born a LONG time ago...(more than half a century does seem like a long time some how) to a young married couple who had been married 11 months. They hadn't planned to have children for 2 years. (My sister was born 13 months after me -- before their second anniversary.)
My dad was a graduate student when I was born and a medical student when my sister was born. My parents were living on borrowed money. My mother used to tell me, "We loved you, but we didn't want you."

Fast forward...I grew up and went to college myself. In my junior year I had a sexual relationship with a friend that ended in my getting pregnant. (Mostly because I kept telling myself I was going to say no the next time and so didn't put myself on birth control.) The month (Jan 1972) I got pregnant I was avoiding my room because my roommate was having a rough time (and thus difficult to spend time with) because her boyfriend had flunked out. It didn't help when he came back and spent the weekend with another girl! Most of the time I was with J, I listened to him talk about how he was going to propose to E when she got back to campus (she was studying abroad). Needless to say, I didn't tell him I was pregnant. (Of course, I didn't even admit it to myself for a LONG time. Denial is a wonderful thing.)

After the spring term I went home and worked in the hospital kitchen like always. Mom noticed I wasn't having a period and tackled me about it at the end of July or beginning of August. (I had already paid the tuition bill for the fall term.) It wasn't too hard to hide because I had lost about 40 pounds the year before I got pregnant and it just seemed I was gaining back the weight. When I admitted that I was pregnant my parents (though disappointed) asked me where I wanted to have the baby and Dad set up the doctor's appointment. We talked with my advisor at school and with one of the counselors to make sure I could stay in school. I had to tell each of my profs and make sure it was ok that I would miss about 2 weeks of classes. (I went to the hospital with a suitcase of clothes and books.)

It was actually rather funny -- the school counselor sort-of rubbed his hands together and said, ah, a test case! It seems I was the first to get pregnant and not either drop out of school or have an abortion. My mother commented that it wasn't a fair test since when I made up my mind I was going to do something I did it.

So, I started the fall term. I went to classes (avoiding contact with most people). I shared an apartment with a married couple my senior year so had lots of opportunity to avoid groups of people (dining hall, etc.) It was like there was a conspiracy of silence about my pregnancy. I went to my doctor appointments and got a crash course on labor and delivery. (I actually found it rather amusing - it was like, "the topic for today is...") They set me up with the agency for adoption. I had "counseling" from the sw (She wanted to know what my parents thought about the pregnancy and adoption. I thought she should ask them!) My mother offered to keep the baby until I graduated and got a job - my Dad thought adoption was a better plan. As I wrote in one of my postings recently, either way the baby wouldn't have been mine. If I'd kept him Mom would have taken him over and even if I eventually had custody of him I would have had her trying to take over all the time.

I chose adoption because a) I didn't want my mom to raise him; b) I knew I couldn't raise him without saying something similar to my mom's "I loved you but didn't want you" (and knowing that Mom came close to emotional and physical abuse when she was stressed and being afraid I'd do the same); c) I believed that every child deserves to be wanted and to have two parents. If I'm brutally honest, feelings of shame and a desire to put the whole thing behind me and get on with my life (yeah, right!) also played into it. (As I keep writing in the various threads... I made what I felt was the best decision at the time, and now I trust God's grace to live with it.) I can not honestly say I was forced into adoption. I was convinced that it was the best answer at the time.

My husband John and I were dating when I gave birth. My parents had dinner with his parents to make sure they were aware of the whole situation. (Aargh!) If fact, he drove me from my apartment to my parent's home when I went into labor (the day after the doctor told me it would be at least 2 more weeks). It always amused me when people asked if John knew -- he stayed at my home till I went into the hospital and I was throwing up most of the time. Mother would not let John go along to the hospital or come see me because of "what people would say."

At the hospital I asked only for medication to stop me from throwing up. Of course, being the early 70's, they basically knocked me out for the actual birth. My instructions when I lost consciousness were to push; so when I came to, I thought I was still pushing. I got yelled at by the doctor who was trying to sew me up. David weighed 6 pounds, 4 ounces. He was born on my 21st birthday. He had already been removed from the delivery room when I regained consciousness.

I was in a semi-private room. My roommate had given birth to a 9 pound baby who was brought in to her at regular intervals. She of course had lots of company. I tried to do schoolwork! My mother and I walked down to see the baby in the nursery one night. (Dad disapproved - he thought we (I) would get too attached.) I knew before I left the hospital that David would be going to a couple in their late 20's. The husband was a "mainline" pastor and the wife was a social worker (let's talk about social workers sometime!). I assumed that he would go immediately and didn't understand that they would not get him until after I signed the final papers. (He was born the 4th, they got him the 31st.)

I insisted on seeing him before I signed the final papers. (Panic in the ranks!) It was the only time I held him. I got to feed him. He fell asleep in my arms. The girl friend who went with me commented he looked just like George (her husband) when he was asleep. Boy did that get a funny look from the social worker! (George not being the name on the birth certificate.) LOL

I signed the papers, went back to school, and "got on with my life." I graduated from college and John and I got married the summer after graduation. My husband got a job teaching and we moved 75 miles from the town where I grew up.

[kakuehl]

Part 2 of my life

D was born October 4, 1972. He was officially placed with his adoptive parents on October 31. (His birth father had married in the summer of 1972. I had named him as father on the birth certificate but I don't remember that he had to sign any papers when I signed to "relinquish" D. I do remember asking him for medical information.

John and I graduated in May, 1973, from college with degrees in Music Education and married on July 21, 1973. We had a (very) brief honeymoon and returned to my parents' home to find that he had been offered a job teaching music. (When we got married our only income was from John's summer job as a battlefield tour guide at Gettysburg, PA (US Civil War).)

The wedding was an interesting thing. (It grew, as most weddings seem to!) I just wanted to get married in a small ceremony at my home church (Lutheran). My mother checked with HER pastor (Baptist) to see if it was appropriate for me to get married in church (being a fallen woman and all, lol) He informed her a small wedding would be appropriate and so it began. We took my grandmother with us when we went dress shopping. We found an ecru colored dress that I loved. Grandma, who wasn't in on the "secret" couldn't understand why I didn't want white. (The only ones NOT in on the secret were my grandmother, John's grandmother, and my father's brother and sister-in-law. Aunt D is known far and wide for her ability to bend the truth.) Ironically of course, it's the veil not the color of the dress that indicates virginity. (I say ironically because I wore a veil without a question or comment from mom.) When my sister married 15 years later, she wore my mother's wedding dress. Mother made the comment the she hadn't wanted me to wear it. (ouch)

I wanted the classmate I was sharing an apartment with to be my attendant. Mom decided my sister (the tomboy) would be hurt because SHE expected to be in the wedding. I then decided that all siblings should be in the wedding. John has 3 brothers and I have 2. The oldest brother was John's best man and the rest served as ushers with some interesting results -- the youngest one fainted. It was an eventful wedding! (And we're still together 33 years later!)

The guest list grew too. I still haven't figured out why my parents' lawyer was invited. My mother was frustrated because I wouldn't make decisions. (That's because anything I wanted was wrong! So I just let her have fun.)

The first few years after the adoption were rough at times. Although I was at peace with my decision to place, it was still rough. Birthdays were especially hard (since we share the day, I can't possibly forget.) When I began to get close to anyone, I felt the need to "share" my story; that was the only way I felt honest. (I suspect I was also testing the relationship.) I'm not sure my mother ever forgave me for choosing adoption. For years she added him to the number of grandchildren she listed in her Christmas cards. My arms ached to hold a baby and I probably pushed John to have children before we would have had them in other circumstances. (Very few of our college classmates had children at the time of our 5th reunion.)

John and I kept in touch with J & E while J was in seminary. (Ironically John was a friend of E in college.) I don't know if J ever told E about the baby. We lost touch with J & E after J was ordained and in his first call. A couple years later we got a Christmas card from J & S! J & E had split up (DUH!) We then remained in contact with them over the years, mostly by phone. When I was in seminary I would see J on campus occasionally. S knew about the baby and we talked openly about it. She had several children from her first marriage and they had a son together. I once asked J what he wanted me to do, if I was ever contacted by our son and he wanted to meet his father. J said he'd trust my judgment. Unfortunately, he died in 2000 of cancer. It was a long fight. We went to his funeral and I was struck by how much J, Jr. looked like his Dad. (Sometimes D sounds incredibly like J and has many of his birth father's gestures.)

[kakuehl]

When John and I married, our only income was what he made as a Gettysburg Battlefield Tour guide. This is a seasonal job which pays well during the summer season. We went to Williamsburg, Virginia, for a 2 day "honeymoon." On our way home we stopped to see a friend. When we arrived at my parents home, my mother was going crazy: John's dad had called to say a school district had called to offer John a teaching position. (He took the job!) We stayed with my parents for the rest of that summer and then found an apartment in Mt. Union, the town where John's job was. I think my 2 refrains were "Get me out of this town" (that took 20+ years) and "Let's have a baby." I substitute taught that year; the next year I got a job teaching (I also directed church choir and had 16 flute students on Saturdays.)

At the end of that year (1975), we bought a house, and shortly afterward I got pregnant with our son John. I gave up the flute students because I didn't have the energy for everything -- and I had a 175 mile round trip to reach the store where I taught. At the end of that school year, 1976, I was "furloughed" (my position was eliminated.) Talk about stress! John's paycheck didn't exactly cover our expenses! He got paid every 2 weeks and after we paid the mortgage with the first check we had $50 left for the next 2 weeks (I usually spent $40 on groceries for the 2 weeks.) Luckily, I qualified for unemployment which was extended beyond its usual length because of employment conditions on the country. It enabled me to stay home with Johnny full time. (I did work part time for a photographer as his receptionist after the unemployment ran out.) I also usually had a student or two taking private music lesson which brought in a little pocket money.

Our daughter Sharon was born 2 years and 20 days after our son. (My husband refused to have more children because he had now one of each and refused to try for the "third kind".) Getting pregnant has not been one of my problems - despite my mother's warnings when I placed David for adoption. I would like to say at this point, that even though it was my choice to place my son (I truly can't blame my parents, the system, or the social workers)and even though I went on to have the other 2, my arms were still empty and a piece was missing from my heart. Having other children did not replace my firstborn. My father's oldest brother was stillborn; I wonder if my grandmother had similar feelings.

When Sharon was 3 months old, I got a call from the principal at the school where I had taught: it was an emergency, could I substitute? I said yes, hung up the phone, and realized I was breastfeeding my daughter! I took the kids to the neighbor who watched my kids with formula for the baby; came home on a break to nurse her, and got through the day. For the next several years I substitute taught. When Johnny started kindergarten I was "recalled" from furlough (I felt like a car with a problem that needed to be fixed!) . At the end of the year I was laid off again, but this time they couldn't completely eliminate my position so I was asked to teach part time (at substitute teacher rates). I spent several years teaching part-time and substituting. The positive part of the time was that my schedule and the children's was the same. Sometime during that period I wrote a letter and sent to the agency in Maryland, trying to make it easy for D to find me if he searched. I have no idea what happend to it, but when D went searching the agency his parents used was closed.

[Denise Michaels Mom]

But Kathy, you never said, did you ever find your son, or did he find you? Are you reunited?

One thing that stood out to me was when you said you didn't want your mom to raise your child. I got pregnant in 1969, I was still in high school, anyway, I kept trying to find arguments to convince my mother to let me keep my baby. I remember at one point her saying something that gave me a picture of what it would have been like if I was allowed to take my baby home...she would have totally taken over. She kept saying she was too old to raise another child, I told her she wouldn't raise him, I would but she just looked at me like I had two heads. She told me I was crazy...I couldn't raise a baby!!! What did I know about babies??? She said she would wind up doing ever thing anyway and knowing my mom, she wouldn't let me raise that baby. When my younger sister got married and had her first child my mother drove her crazy and she wasn't a teenager, she was a married woman but you see, my mom knows how to do things the right way....we don't. My mom is a control freak, very mentally and verbally abusive, and back then she probably would have hit my baby for I got hit all the time when I was growing up.
I remember thinking that one day, when I was reunited with my son, I'd explain to him about his grandmother, that she would have been the one who really raised him, not because I wanted it that way but because she would have done it that way. I remember thinking that once he met her he wouldn't be mad at me for giving him up, he would probably have thanked me, even though it wasn't my decision. The thought of her raising him made it a little easier for me to give him up (not really, I was hysterical the day I had to leave him behind).

I was also wondering if you regret your decision now? I regret losing my son so much. I will die regretting it, even though it wasn't my decision, I now think that I was his mother and I should have fought harder to keep him. I should have screamed and kicked, I should have told everyone that they were taking my baby against my will. I should have called the local paper, I should have put up fliers, I was his mother, in the end it was my responsibility and I let him down. I know realize that money, and having two parents isn't wants important...family is important, blood is important, the bond which is already formed by the time our babies were born was important. It's important to uphold the sacred bond between mother and child and I just stood back and let them take my baby away and give it to strangers. I wouldn't leave a child with a stranger for 5 seconds but I left my baby behind with strangers...it was wrong and now I have to live with that.

Denise

[kakuehl]

I'm sorry Denise, I haven't had (taken) the time to post the next chapter here. I do understand your story. I graduated from high school in 1969 so we are probably close to the same age. Please try not to beat yourself up. The person you are now would and could have kicked and yelled and kept your son, but you weren't that person then. I've sometimes thought that I'd like to do my freshman year in college again, but only if I could do it as the person I am now. How could you really have fought more than you did? You did the best you could at the time.

I will now try to write the next chapter of my story.

[Denise Michaels Mom]

You're probably right, I wasn't the same person back then. That person felt so completely helpless; the person I am now wonders how I could have let that happen. I remember thinking to myself that it was wrong to give my child away but I just didn't have the worldly experience to make all the forces around me listen to what I was saying.
It's also very hard not to beat myself up...especially because I found my son dead. I have nothing to hold, nothing to focus on, nothing to be grateful for. I have nothing...no son, no grandchildren...no memories...and worst of all, no hope.

Denise

[kakuehl]

Life went on: I raised my kids; substitute taught; was "recalled from furlough" and "furloughed" again. I took training as a lay worship leader and eventually gave into God's call and went to seminary. I graduated from seminary 20 years after college.

The kids fought their way through teen years; I loved it when they hit 16 - they started talking to us again: "Hey, Mom, do you need the car tonight?" Our son made us grandparents when he was 17. (He graduated from high school June 1, his son was born June 24 and he was 18, July 6.) Adoption was never considered, but his brief marriage ended (it was a really toxic relationship) and her mother has raised Shaunie. Our daughter went to college on a full Army ROTC scholarship and then served 4 years in the Army. She and her then boyfriend/now fiance had a baby right before her four years were up. (I was pleased to note that the girl who always said she'd have an abortion if she got pregnant, never mentioned that possibility!)

Over the years, I thought about D a lot. I hoped he'd look for me. I had told DS about him when J was 15. He promptly told his sister. (Once again, children do NOT learn from their parent's experiences... they insist on making their own mistakes.) After I got a computer I would try to surf the web occasionally, but had no clue how to look.

Finally, in September of 2005, I stumbled onto adoption.com, registered and found D within about 10 minutes. Now I had a name! Unfortunately, it turned out that he had registered several years ago and never checked back when he didn't find anything. All his contact info was out of date. I went to a search sit and paid for the info... everything about D was out of date, but it listed his father and an address that I recognised as the Lutheran parsonage in the town where I grew up. I went to the ELCA roster look-up and sure enough - D's dad was the pastor of the church where I was confirmed and married! (Remember, all I knew was that he was a pastor, not what denomination he belonged to.) I emailed him (with fear and trepidation!) A couple days later he emailed back. I gave him some more information. He and his wife sat down with D and told him they'd heard from me. R (D's adad) told me that D expressed more "stuff" about his adoption when they told him than he ever had before. (Now that was scary.)

R and I emailed a couple times while we waited for D to contact me. (It felt like it took forever although it was only a couple weeks.) D finally emailed me on the eve of our joint birthday. Now that was a birthday present!

Next time.... the reunion.

[kakuehl]

Part 5 - The reunion...an unfinished story

When we left our protagonists they had e-mailed for the first time...

Needless to say I was flying high for my birthday in 2005. D and I began a correspondence by email and IM. Apparently the first thing D and his wife did with the information his aparents gave him was to go to my (church) webpage where my picture is posted. He wrote that he wife looked at my picture and said, "You look just like her!" (Poor guy, he does look more like me than either of my other children.) I just re-read his first e-mail to me and it still makes me smile.

2005 was a momentous year for D. He changed jobs, had a baby (ok, J had the baby!), bought a house and moved, got married, lost a pet to old age, and found his birth mother. (I think that was all!) Ironically, until D & J moved to their new house they lived next door to my sister!

We continued our internet communications for several weeks. D's stepson's birthday was approaching and I asked if I could send him a present. When SS sent me a very polite thank you note he wrote that he hoped we'd meet soon. I screwed up my courage and invited them to my home the Sunday before Thanksgiving when my kids were coming for an early Thanksgiving. They accepted. Needless to say I was on pins and needles!

They arrived and then didn't get out of the car! D told me later that he was fine until he made the last turn before my house and began to hyperventilate! Eventually, they came in! My daughter commented that she had expected the meeting and afternoon to be awkward but that it felt very comfortable. We ate and then spent the afternoon getting to know one another.

Our second face to face was on Christmas Eve. (They came to my house again.) We also spent time together on President's weekend (when they went skiing nearby). They invited the entire family to their house to celebrate I's first birthday. By entire I mean her mother (not father - apparently they're not in the same place at the same time, ever), his aparents and aunt, my kids (and of course lots of their friends). D's aparents and DH and I sort of hung out together out of self defence I think. As the first year ended and the second started, D has included his bfamily in family occasions. His adad seems to welcome us; his mom has had more difficulty, I think. Both D and I have tried to make it clear that she is his mother. Our relationship is special to us both; when I asked him how he would describe it, he said, "Healthy." My response in return was, "Comfortable."

That truly is how our relationship feels: healthy and comfortable. That said, I still worry that I will be contacting him at an awkward time. We mostly IM. They had a second baby this year. She was placed on bedrest for pre-term labor and I took a turn in being there to chase I and take J to doctor's appointments.
I helped D plan a "Last Bash before the Baby" party. Z was born early and spent a couple days in the NICU. I got to spend time there as well.

One of the great things for me has been watching ALL my children together. D being the oldest of three in his afamily as well as his bfamily, very quickly took on the role of big brother for my other two. (Very good for my other son, I think!) J and DD have become close and spend a lot of time together. They live about 20-30min. apart and both have small children. My grandson AJ loves his cousin I (unless they're fighting over the same toy, LOL)

One sadness of the reunion is that D's bdad died in 2000 of cancer. I contacted bdad's widow when I found D since D has a half-brother who is about 10 years younger. I'm hoping that they will be in contact someday. I gave D the info that I had when he asked about his bdad. The ironies abound! His bdad was also a Lutheran pastor and had even roomed with D's adad at some poing in their careers. (Poor D - 2 birthparents and 2 aparents and 3 of them are/were Lutheran pastors.... Now there's a PK - preacher's kid!)

Perhaps one of the most recent highpoints for me was this past Christmas (2006). J invited D's family (a& b) for Christmas dinner. We all had a good time I think. My dad came with me and met D for the first time since D was 2 days old (and jaundiced). I met D's sisters for the first time. (the older sister was adopted from Korea, the younger is bio.) It was nice to put faces with names.

The story is unfinished because the relationship continues. It is certainly my hope that this in only the beginning of a lifelong relationship. My life has been enriched in this past year. I'm looking forward to the next Chapter!

[Wizard298]

wow, what a story I will be here when you finish it up too. I thought it was a very heartfelt story.

You are in the VERY VERY small % of people who ended up still being with or married to the birthfather.

I am very sorry you had to go through that. Life throws curveballs at us at unknown times, today that happend to me and I know later I will look back on this and would be like wow this was nothing compared to what is going on now..........


I bet you feel like the family has grown greater now huh

with his 3 kids and you being a grandma again, sounds like you have a lot of love to give

I hope you have years and years of joy and reunion to come!

[kakuehl]

Thank you.. My family has indeed grown... I hope you have a good reunion as well.

I think my relationship with D's bdad probably was unique. We remained friends all his life. (I never wanted to be married to him! It would not have worked but our friendship did. It's amazing for me to see and hear him in D sometimes!)

Remember that we become who we are as a result of the experiences we live through. If I had not given birth to D (and had not made the decisions leading up to and following his birth) I would be a different person... not better or worse, just different.

May your reunion be blessed too.

[rch4hvn]

you are so blessed ....I would hope that we all had the same oppotunity as you and D. I just contacted my son and he says he doesnt want anything to do with me argh. I am not pushing anything and I didnt reply to that comment either, because I feel he has a right to feel whatever he feels.....but.....I love him and I would atleast like the chance to talk with him...well see

Michele

[kakuehl]

Michele. I just replied to you on another thread as well. I'm sorry your son doesn't eant anything to do with you. Give it time - recognise that D was 32 when he finally got the choice to meet me or not. At that point the adoptee has often reached the point where the desire to know more about their medical background (and sometimes family background) outweighs the anger at a parent who "didn't want them" or "couldn't be bothered" or whatever they've grown up believing about us! (Recognise that what they believe may not be what their aparents may have told them.)

Hang in there!

[dpen6]

Kathy,

You have such a sense of gentleness and peace around you. I am really impressed. You state the truth honestly but without anger or malice. Its now wonder your reunion is going well.

I wish you all well.

Donna

[Wizard298]

Yes, I totaly agree. That is what brought me to read her post's I have a good asumption by who people are by there post's and she is a very gentle loving person with a big heart

I forgot to post this some people wanted me to post this cause they could not find the thread I made about the phone conversation I had with the first contact
I found my boyfriends birthmother! An emotional story

Here it is in case you wanted to see it

[kakuehl]

Thank you both for your kind words. I try very hard to live my faith! I truly believe that God loves us unconditionally I try hard to share that love with all of you. God's grace is truly amazing!

Wizard, is there an update on your boyfriend's story?