[kqp1978]

I will try to make this short:

I am pretty certain that I have a 10 month old daughter, although I've never met her. Her mother (my ex-gf) informed me of her pregnancy when she was 3 months. I was adamant that I wanted to be involved in child's life, but I did not offer to marry mother, as I didn't feel a marriage woud work between us. The mother stated that her then boyfriend wanted to marry her and raise the child as his own. I was opposed to this idea, but the mother basically ended all contact with me.

I was devastated, and decided that it might be better if I just let it go and not fight the mother in court...

One year later, the magnitude of what I'd done hit me like a ton of bricks, and I was consumed by grief and guilt. I felt like I had abandoned my daughter by not fighting for my rights to see her. Trying to plead my case with the mother proved unsuccessful. She named her boyfriend as the father, and he and the mother are raising my daughter together. His name appears on the birth certificate, and only a handful of people know the truth.

I have a real problem with this. I think that it's a terrible idea to lie to a child about her identity, as well as unethical.

I recognize that it may be in the best interests of my daughter to be raised by her mother and "step-father" but I feel as if the status quo is untenable.

I plan to file a paternity suit, and to either pursue visitation and a relationship with my daughter (which I would certainly like) or if it turns out to be in daughter's best interests, to force the mother to go through the step-parent adoption process.

To those who are adoptees, would it make any difference to you knowing that your birthfather fought to have his name added to the original birth certificate, so that the road would be left open to the child finding him one day and perhaps initiating a relationship? Is there any significance to his having done this?

Also, how do adoptees and adoptive families view the issue of telling the truth? As it stands, I am quite certain that my daughter's mother and stepfather would never tell her the truth about her bio father. I feel somewhat complicit in their lie by not coming forward to acknowledge my daughter. Granted, the mother has done everything in her power to make this difficult for me to even know where she is.

Right now I'm torn between three options:

1. Establish paternity, pursue visitiation, pay child support and have a relationshiop with my daughter. She and I live in different towns, so it would be limited to one weekend a month, most likely.

2. Establish paternity, relinquish my rights, and force the mother and step dad to go through the stepparent adoption procedure legally.

3. Do nothing. Stepfather's name would remain on the birth certificate, child would most likely live her life in blissful ignorance as to her origins. Mother and stepfather could go on with their lives in peace.

I would really appreciate some feedback from those who have had experience as birthparents, adoptees, or adoptive families.

Thank you!

[dmca]

Go to a lawyer and persue your rights as a father.
Yes, your daughter will thank you for it. She will know that she has a father who cared.
My husband is 61 this year and his mother refuses to this day to say who is birthfather is. She listed her then husband as the father of him.
To this day, my husband would like to know who his father is. Don't do that to your daughter.

[digiwahm]

I hope I don't ruffle feathers here. I am not an adoptee. But I am a mom to 2 and my hubby is a bdad whose bdaughter has just in the last 2 months made contact with bmom and for two weeks she contacted my hubby as well. That is how I found my way to these forums, but the issue I am going to focus on at the moment is my daughter that was brought into my second (and final) marriage when she was going on 2 years old. (I was married before SHORTLY.)

You mentioned the baby is 10 months old, so she's had time to bond with "step dad." (I'm assuming) I see nothing wrong with your establishing paternity. Nothing at all. But what are you going to do with it? If she has bonded with her "step dad" would you take that away or would you settle for playing the role of "distant uncle" or something?

I don't know your entire situation ofcourse but with my ex, he thought he would drop into my daughter's life here and there and quickly found out it doesn't work like that. Now I know your ex-gf is the one who quit communicating. I understand all of that. And quite frankly I'm not sure what to make of why she would knowingly lie on a birth certificate. But I'm not an attorney, just simply see that as wrong. But what I'm trying to poke at is the situation between your bdaughter and that which she's been told as dad. The first year is very crucial to a baby, so I've read and heard - I don't have an opinion there that I'd care to share, lol. But if she is attached to this man, I hope, if you were to file a paternity suit, that you may want to think carefully before removing someone from your daughter's life that she has bonded with.

I hope I don't offend anyone by saying that. It's simply an opinion and everyone has one

Have a great night!!

[healingfeeling]

If she has bonded with her "step dad" would you take that away or would you settle for playing the role of "distant uncle" or something?

that is ridiculous...

at 10 months old she will okay to bond with her father and have a relationship with her step-father also.

i was adopted at age 5...bdad was with me until I was 2...at that age although we have bonds and memories we shouldn't be lying and saying anything about a distant uncle!

[digiwahm]

Originally Posted by healingfeeling

that is ridiculous...

at 10 months old she will okay to bond with her father and have a relationship with her step-father also.

i was adopted at age 5...bdad was with me until I was 2...at that age although we have bonds and memories we shouldn't be lying and saying anything about a distant uncle!

Hmmm...I didn't say anything about lying about BEING a distant uncle. What I meant was would he mind visits and would be able to handle playing a role outside of "dad."

As for bonding, if a child can bond in utero to its mother, and then bond to a father as well after being born, then I would certainly think she may have bonded with her "step father." Just a thought...

[sunnyfromNY]

I know of women who have given birth to a child while married to a different man... and the court's opinion was that the man the woman is married to is the father. That's what my brother was told... and he paid child support until the child was 18. Of course, you can easily find that out by talking to an attorney.

I strongly feel that everyone should know their identity and it isn't fair to the child to be lied to about it.... especially since her mother knows the truth. It's patently unfair! If I were you, I would find where they're living and make it clear to both 'parents' that you want your daughter to know the truth.

My brother's 'daughter' was told the truth about who her real father was, but always regarded my brother as her real dad. At least she had the information. If you send cards and gifts, your daughter may feel closer to you.

I would have been angry had my son been raised to believe his aparents were his birth family, and if I had had to be the one to tell him otherwise. Nothing wrong with telling the truth right from the start.

[healingfeeling]

As for bonding, if a child can bond in utero to its mother, and then bond to a father as well after being born, then I would certainly think she may have bonded with her "step father." Just a thought...

is it not more important that the child bond with the biological father instead of being lied to...even if the biodad steps in at 1 year...that does NOT negate the bond she feels for her step-dad at all! of course she has bonded with him....will she UNBOND with him because the father comes into play...no.

[digiwahm]

Hi,

I think you are getting me all wrong. I never said anything about lying. I was asking what would he do with the paternity suit? Would he go in and try to go for joint custody which could confuse the child? Or would he let her be and visit with the family like a another family member would?

For the record I never lied to my daughter and she knew the truth about her identity since the day she was born. She, my husband, my son, and I are still in contact with my ex-husband's family. And I love them dearly. But I would NOT take to having my child's world uprooted whenever he was in the mood to have her around.

I am sorry if you thought I would tell someone to lie to a child. But rest assured I never said that and those are not just words on my part. I have lived my life that way as you can see.

[healingfeeling]

digiwahm,

i'm sorry if i misinterperted you. i am just having a really bad day....really bad.

i think the original poster said that he would do one weekend a month visits or something because they don't live that close.

i am one of those people who was lied to and forced to lie to everyone else about my paternity...so this hit VERY close to home. I'm very sorry if I took it out on you....

[scarlet52698]

As an adoptee I would have to say yes it would make a difference to me. There are genetic concerns to consider as well. I received a lot of helpful medical information when i found my bfather. A lot of conditions don't show up until you are in your 30's or later (I don't know how old you are) and she should have access to that information IMO.

[dmca]

But I would NOT take to having my child's world uprooted whenever he was in the mood to have her around.

Can we PLEASE get back to helping this birth father?
It's not a MOOD, he has love for his child and wants to be part of his child's life. Hardly uprooting, IMO.
Can the child NOT bond with two people? ( like a mother AND a father). Then the child can bond with two fathers. It's not rocket science.
GO get legal help, birth father. You are entitled. Get the DNA testing and CLAIM YOUR CHILD.
I only wish I had an option, that you have, and my husband even at his age, would give his false teeth to know who his birth father is.
dmca

[digiwahm]

Hi, Healing-Feeling.

You are fine. I just didn't want you to think I meant to tell an outright lie to this child. That was already done by the bmom here. And no I don't think it's right that she did. I was really giving an opinion based on what I had been through with my ex, and I'm really sorry if I made it sound like the child should be living a lie. The truth is I believe she should be told the truth, but I was asking if the bdad could handle seeing his bdaughter interacting with the "step" on a "dad" basis or was he going to seek joint custody. I had forgotten that he mentioned this in his first email once I started typing.

Anyway I am really sorry you were lied to and I don't think it is right to lie to ANYONE. I hope you have a better day tomorrow, and please forgive me if I was not clear about what I was saying.

Have a good one!!

[kqp1978]

Thank you all for your advice. From my own experience, I know that this is a very emotionally charged issue; that is part of the reason that the mother and I are not able to communicate. Every time that we tried, we would both become very defensive of our own positions, and wind up arguing.

My intention is to establish paternity so that all of the parties involved, especially the child, know the truth of her paternity.

Ideally, I would like to be able to have a relationship with my daughter, although I envision it as more of a one weekend a month visitation arrangement, not a shared custody situation. I do NOT wish to destroy any bond that the baby might have formed with her stepfather. I am in no way trying to break up the family unit that consists of my daughter, her mother, and the stepfather. I simply want to be able to know my daughter, to know what she looks like, etc. and to allow a relationship to develop between her and me, even if her stepfather is serving in the primary "father" role. I can live with that; it's infinitely preferable to the status quo, where I know almost nothing about her, have only seen a few pictures, and have never met her.


The way I look at it, a child can not have too many people in her life who love her and care about her. I also have an interest here, because frankly, I do not want to go through the rest of my life knowing she's out there but not knowing her.

I guess I'm just trying to proceed in a way that allows me to have some type of relationship with my daughter, without overly disrupting her life, or her mother and stepfather's life. I know that they're opposed to it, but they have everything to lose, and nothing to gain by my stepping in.

I'm just trying to look at this from all the angles, and to make sure that I'm getting involved in order to make my daughter's life better, and not just to make my own life better.

[digiwahm]

Originally Posted by kqp1978

Thank you all for your advice. From my own experience, I know that this is a very emotionally charged issue; that is part of the reason that the mother and I are not able to communicate. Every time that we tried, we would both become very defensive of our own positions, and wind up arguing.

My intention is to establish paternity so that all of the parties involved, especially the child, know the truth of her paternity.

Ideally, I would like to be able to have a relationship with my daughter, although I envision it as more of a one weekend a month visitation arrangement, not a shared custody situation. I do NOT wish to destroy any bond that the baby might have formed with her stepfather. I am in no way trying to break up the family unit that consists of my daughter, her mother, and the stepfather. I simply want to be able to know my daughter, to know what she looks like, etc. and to allow a relationship to develop between her and me, even if her stepfather is serving in the primary "father" role. I can live with that; it's infinitely preferable to the status quo, where I know almost nothing about her, have only seen a few pictures, and have never met her.


The way I look at it, a child can not have too many people in her life who love her and care about her. I also have an interest here, because frankly, I do not want to go through the rest of my life knowing she's out there but not knowing her.

I guess I'm just trying to proceed in a way that allows me to have some type of relationship with my daughter, without overly disrupting her life, or her mother and stepfather's life. I know that they're opposed to it, but they have everything to lose, and nothing to gain by my stepping in.

I'm just trying to look at this from all the angles, and to make sure that I'm getting involved in order to make my daughter's life better, and not just to make my own life better.

You sound like a WONDERFUL father already!!!!! She is a very lucky little girl. Please let us know what happens and God Bless You!!!

[healingfeeling]

kqp1978,

and to make sure that I'm getting involved in order to make my daughter's life better,

Trust me...take if from someone who was denied a relationship with her bdad...your daughters life will be better...she will know you at least tried and that you care for her...which is more than some of us can say...and you don't want her to have to have a reunion when she gets older...that is painful and very emotionally charged for EVERYONE involved.

i think its great your posting, please let us know how things progress!!!