[makhaze]

Okay, I'd like to get some opinions on this. A co-worker of mine who came back from maternity leave a few months ago has been pretty upset lately. I thought at first it was just post-partum stuff going on, sad from having to go back to work and leave the baby, etc., but she broke down a few days ago while we were on break and told me some stuff. She asked me not to repeat it so I feel bad about discussing it here, but i thought maybe I could get some other views that might help her. This is what she told me. She had a relationship with a married man that ended when she found out she was pregnant. He, of course, did not want to take responsibility for the baby. She didn't want to break his marriage up so she never bothered him again. Not only that, but he never knew her last name or where she lived, so he has no way of finding her. She says she is upset because she feels guilty and feels bad for this man's family. His parents, brother and sisters, etc. She feels that she is denying them the right to know their grandson, nephew... she said she feels as if she has "robbed" this family. I don't really know what is the right thing to tell her. Any suggestions?

[rainrain63]

There is no easy answer for this question.


To many "what ifs".

It's just too bad this situation even happened.

I just don't know what to say to this.

[BrandyHagz]

I was in a sorta similar situation. I ended up pregnant after a non-consensual interaction. I felt, even though this guy had denied paternity and had denied me any information for the health of my child, he had no right to deny my child a possible relationship with his extended family members.

I contacted them when Jerrett was about 13 months old and sent them pictures via a sister that seemed interested in having some contact.

I never heard anything.

I contacted them again when Jerrett was just under 5 and sent them pictures via the mail, they never responded or even acknowledged receipt of the photos.

I contacted them again when Jerrett was ten, this time I called and asked for medical information – I got some, not much – but more than I had. I exchanged email addresses with grandma and sent her a few emails, which she eventually responded to – but she was mostly only good for chain emails…which sucked for Jerrett.

I did contact her again and asked her to contact her son and ask him to contact me, so I could talk to him about his court ordered child support, his share of the medical bills and the upcoming orthodontic appointment we had.

That lit a fire – but in the end, all I got was his mailing address (which was on the Sex offender Registry in his new state)…not that expected much more.

All in all – I am glad I tried and continued to try – at least when Jerrett starts asking questions, if he asks questions, I can look him in the eye and say “I tried, I’m sorry things didn’t work out”.

I think your friend needs to at least try…not for herself, not for the family, not for the ex – but for the child.

[Patty-cake]

I do not think it would be a good thing. The man is married. His wife and possible other children are innocent. Unless she needs money to care for the child she should let it go. If he has a change of heart he can introduce the child. Otherwise why bring knowledge of the affair to people not involved and who most likely do not want to know? He is the guilty party. Just my opinion.

[mom2GRLC]

I believe his wife and family have a right to know.

Obviously they were both wrong in having an affair. But if I were the wife I'd certianly want to know even if it broke up my marriage. You can't change the fact that it happened. But this couple needs to deal with this and work through it. It's not right to keep it a secret. I wouldn't come out and tell his children....but YES she should tell his wife at the very least.

[b4truth]

i agree that maybe the best thing to do is keep as much personal information as possible about the bdad's family (phone numbers, addresses, work place, etc) and one day, if the child chooses to look or wants to look the mom can give him the info. and help him.



i must admit i feel a little anger/disgust at both the new mom and the husband. this is the result of selfishness and the child and that poor family are the ones who will suffer the most. the 'other woman' and the husband did what they wanted to do with no regard for anyone else but themselves.



sorry...just had to vent!

[healingfeeling]

pattycake

His wife and possible other children are innocent

innocent of what???? is a child evil??? did the child have the affair?? if my husband cheated on me...i'd wanna know and that child has siblings....

secrets suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!

[makhaze]

I agree, secrets suck, but i want to be real careful about what advice i give her. I do know that the man has no children with his wife.

I think about his parents. If my son had a child out there somewhere, I would want to know.

[mom2GRLC]

This whole situation sucks!!!

But yes keeping it a secret wont do anyone any good. This man should not be able to go on pretending like nothing happened. Everyone in the situation deserves honesty here.

[manni28]

You may want to hold off on giving advice to your co-worker. You said the man was married but had no children, right? Let's say the wife can't have children, do you know what this would/could do to her? Do you know the problems this could cause? Your co-worker is a grown woman let her decide what she wants to do. No offense but, in situtations like this, it's best to mind your business and don't give advice.

[healingfeeling]

manni28,

this wife should run for the hills from this cheating husband....

and this husband should know he has a child and the child should know his father and extended bfamily. its not as if the mother is giving the child up...she's keeping the child...no reason to deprive the child a chance at knowing his father.

[Isabo]

Originally Posted by manni28

You said the man was married but had no children, right? Let's say the wife can't have children, do you know what this would/could do to her?

Let's look at this from another perspective, if we are concerned about how the wife may feel. In the world of AIDS today, this man had sex with a woman not his wife and clearly exchanged bodily fluids with that woman. Now, as a wife, I would want to know that my husband was having unprotected sex with others (actually any sex with others but that's me). So, I think it is important for the wife to have information which is vital to her health. If she wants to stay with the jerk after that, fine. And honestly, she is going to find out sooner or later. This child will eventually come knocking on Daddy's door. There is no way to protect her from this information. She should know sooner, rather than later, IMO.

I think your co-worker should sue this man for child support and let his family know they have a grandchild. Its a little late to worry about hurting his wife. His wife has already been hurt very badly by both her husband AND this woman - the wife just doesn't know it YET. That pain is going to find her like a heat seeking missile, sooner or later. The child and the rest of the family shouldn't be denied their family relationships to cover up the husband's bad acts.

[manni28]

this wife should run for the hills from this cheating husband....and this husband should know he has a child and the child should know his father and extended bfamily. its not as if the mother is giving the child up...she's keeping the child...no reason to deprive the child a chance at knowing his father.

Let's look at this from another perspective, if we are concerned about how the wife may feel. In the world of AIDS today, this man had sex with a woman not his wife and clearly exchanged bodily fluids with that woman. Now, as a wife, I would want to know that my husband was having unprotected sex with others (actually any sex with others but that's me). So, I think it is important for the wife to have information which is vital to her health. If she wants to stay with the jerk after that, fine. And honestly, she is going to find out sooner or later. This child will eventually come knocking on Daddy's door. There is no way to protect her from this information. She should know sooner, rather than later, IMO.

Healingfeeling and Isabo:

Yes, you and Isabo are both right! But, who are we to play god? Yes, his wife needs to run fast but that isn't going to change the fact the father wants nothing to do with the child-it won’t make him become "daddy"( remember he left when she said she was pregnant.) Also, let's be honest, it takes two to tangle, but this woman should have known better than to knowingly date a married man-much less have a baby by him. I'm sorry but, as a married woman ,I would not want my hubby's mistress and her kid knocking on my door telling me "guess what?”.( they would probably have to call the police on me )


His man will pay for his sins but I don't think that telling this woman: "yes, go tell his family" will solve anything. His family may not even want to know the child-they may see she and the child as the reason for the break-up of the son's marriage (if they should divorce) and blame them.


So, I would be very careful about any advice I give to her.

Of course this is just my opinion

[makhaze]

Well, its interesting that his wife's ability to have children was brought up because this girl told me that he and his wife had wanted kids for awhile but were having problems conceiving and had thought that the problem was with him - obviously, it isn't. That could really destroy this wife, wanting a child and then finding out that he has had one with someone else. I am really struggling with this. I don't think I want to give her advice at all. I don't feel I am qualified to do it.

It is an interesting subject, though. What rights would this man's family have if they found out about the baby?

[mom2GRLC]

You know infertility on ANY level sucks and sucks badly. Yes this will hurt a bunch more...but she deserves to know. She deserves to have the option of walking out on this unfatiful husband. She has the right to pursue having children with a father that actually takes care of his kids rather than run from them and pretend they don't exist. "THIS CHILD" is not the problem...the problem is the husband and this other woman who decided to break up a family and home. Why protect the guilty? This WILL come out eventually. But maybe she can do something about it before he goes onto have a bunch of other affairs with different woman. Before she has a child of her own with him....and then is connected to him forever. She needs to know.