[love2race]

i'm the girl who contacted Love2Race and met him last night. we've had a great time talking, and we took the DNA test a few minutes ago...

my question is about my bmom. i've spent the last week off and on living with her in her hotel with my three little brothers (19, 17, 8) trying to get to know everyone. i almost wish i never had b/c the drama in that tiny room is overwhelming, and it culminated today when i left to come here to love2race's home. my bmom accoused the oldest bro of trying to take my time away from her to hurt her, and double fist punched him in the face. they have always had problems, they get drunk and yell at each other, and it isn't good. my youngest brother witnessed this, but turned around and denied seeing anything when questioned. older bro was kicked out and wanted to call the cops. i was already on my way here and asked him not too, and he complied, but only for the youngest one's sake.

so this is the question: obviously this isn't a situatuation anyone needs to deal with, but i just met my family and already i want to leave. my emotions are so conflicting, and i'm leaving tonight, but what do i do after this? should i try to maintain any kind of relationship with her or my brothers? all i wanted was my family back, and they are so screwed up, and i can't fix anything, nor do i want to try.

my bmom wants me around so badly that she's beating up my brother for spending time with me, and even text messaged me several times to come back when i was spending time with my maybe dad yesterday.

Any advice??????

[wilted rose]

Hi, I'm sorry your reunion with bmother and bsiblings has started off this way. This is challenging to say the least! Family or not, noone deserves to be subjected to this kind of of abuse. Obviously alcohol is a major contributing factor. I'm sure you are needing time to process all that's transpired the last week. Honestly,you'll have to think long and hard how involved you feel you can be. At the very least if you wish to maintain some sort of contact I would be very clear about setting boundaries. Perhaps, you may want to stick to connecting through emails, etc. and reassess down the road. Such a shame too, especially for the youngest child to be living with this.
On a happier note, if love2race turns out to be your bdad, consider that as a bright spot, he sounds like a very nice man. I wish you luck, this is a tough one!
Rose

[janf]

let me say i am a bmom and somewhat in a reunion with my 20 year old. he is very busy in life with his firefighting and full time job. We do try and call every week and catch up on life and he does call and speak with his siblings. I try and not push myself on him. I cannot believe your situation but be honest with your bmom and tell her what you expect, at least have contact with the siblings if that is what you want. best of luck with the dna

jan

[Patty-cake]

I am so glad that you have a good adoptive family. This is so sad.

I am not an adoptee. I am a b.mom who knows all to well the pain of loosing a child to adoption and the pain of a child cutting you off after reunion. (Believe me it is like a knife in the heart.) That being said, I still would not want a relationship with someone that behaves like that and I would not feel guilty about it.

If the DNA tests are negative I would get the names of other possibilities first then run as far as I could.

If for some reason you feel it necessary to deal with her. I recomend mail.

It is understandable that she might not be at her best due to excitment, nerves &/or stress-(I couldn't get the outfit that I bought specially to meet my child in ironed) but violence? It does not sound like your life would be enriched by knowing her. Do you want her to be your child's grannie?
My guess is no.

Good luck with your possible dad.

[cravalynn]

Wow keep your distance, perhaps tell her no booze . Call Dhs if you know she is hitting the children..!!!!

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by love2race

my question is about my bmom. i've spent the last week off and on living with her in her hotel with my three little brothers (19, 17, 8) trying to get to know everyone. i almost wish i never had b/c the drama in that tiny room is overwhelming, and it culminated today when i left to come here to love2race's home. my bmom accoused the oldest bro of trying to take my time away from her to hurt her, and double fist punched him in the face. they have always had problems, they get drunk and yell at each other, and it isn't good. my youngest brother witnessed this, but turned around and denied seeing anything when questioned. older bro was kicked out and wanted to call the cops. i was already on my way here and asked him not too, and he complied, but only for the youngest one's sake.

I can remember a twelve step sponsor saying.. once.. “you are talking with the alcohol.”

My parents drank a lot.. and when mom got emotional she drank too much.. My sister and I would always know.. We would go to our rooms and the fights would start.. It was a way of life for my parents..

Be very very careful here.. Drunks take hostages.. I urge you to not be one of those.

You can tell her or them that you are willing to meet up with them if they are not drinking.. but if they are drinking you will not do it..
If she is into her cups about the loss of her baby.. she is not thinking of you.. Not for one second is she thinking of you.. You are her loss.. you are her reasons (maybe) for drinking.. Her great problem..
I know I thought that way once.. I was into drugs and not booze tho..

Melody Beattie.. The Language of Letting Go.. and her Codependent No More..
Beattie is good with her words.. You are entering a world that has a lot of pitfalls. You need some armor..

Jackie

[wilted rose]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

I can remember a twelve step sponsor saying.. once.. “you are talking with the alcohol.”

My parents drank a lot.. and when mom got emotional she drank too much.. My sister and I would always know.. We would go to our rooms and the fights would start.. It was a way of life for my parents..

Be very very careful here.. Drunks take hostages.. I urge you to not be one of those.

You can tell her or them that you are willing to meet up with them if they are not drinking.. but if they are drinking you will not do it..
If she is into her cups about the loss of her baby.. she is not thinking of you.. Not for one second is she thinking of you.. You are her loss.. you are her reasons (maybe) for drinking.. Her great problem..
I know I thought that way once.. I was into drugs and not booze tho..

Melody Beattie.. The Language of Letting Go.. and her Codependent No More..
Beattie is good with her words.. You are entering a world that has a lot of pitfalls. You need some armor..

Jackie

Hi Jackie, I hope it's ok I comment on your post, I agree with your intention but I hope you might clarify. My bmother had issues with alcohol, I along with my brothers and sisters were placed outside of our home; I was adopted by a dysfunctional family at best; alcohol and prescription drugs again. To state however intended, that our parents, birth or otherwise, may view us as a possible reason for the drinking is far too heavy of a burden for us to take on. Rather IMO, the drinking etc. is a poor but addictive choice in coping with the pain surrounding the memories of the past. I'm sure you agree we should in no way carry any of that responsibility.
Regards,
Rose

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by wilted rose

Hi Jackie, I hope it's ok I comment on your post, I agree with your intention but I hope you might clarify. My bmother had issues with alcohol, I along with my brothers and sisters were placed outside of our home; I was adopted by a dysfunctional family at best; alcohol and prescription drugs again. To state however intended, that our parents, birth or otherwise, may view us as a possible reason for the drinking is far too heavy of a burden for us to take on. Rather IMO, the drinking etc. is a poor but addictive choice in coping with the pain surrounding the memories of the past. I'm sure you agree we should in no way carry any of that responsibility.
Regards,
Rose

I was trying to post about the insane thinking an alcoholic goes into in order to justify their drinking (that being it’s the kids fault).. Nothing what so ever to do with reality..

Thanks Rose for helping me to clarify..

Jackie

[wilted rose]

Thanks, Jackie, I knew that! My concern with all of the posts here is that if and when this young lady reads all of these replies, not any of this is her fault.
Thanks,
Rose