[Jannyroo]

I met my bson (he's in his late 20's) 4 weeks ago. He has so many (drugs/booze induced?) emotional problems, OCD, that have left me devastated, but a reaction has kicked in, whereby I'm wanting to back off, I want my life back, nothing, but nothing, is worth this kind of pain? Is anyone else feeling like this? I've been feeling suicidal in the past week after my birth son called time out, but within a few days (unknown to me) was calling me, then sending emails. He is all over the place. Understandable? yes, but the messages are so conflicting and its driving me nuts. Naively? I thought he would want to come down to see me, spend a few hours (2hrs drive away), but he is showing no responsibility about my feelings. I need my family/mum's photos back (she died last year), but he won't reply on this, he ignores my wishes not to swear (badly) when talking to me on the phone, I get messages of wanting acceptablility, but I don't know what he is not feeling accepted about (except the swearing). i sent him my mothers mobile, but he never uses it to call me, (He has no signal in his area, so why ask for it? He promised me it would mean 1:1 chats) I can't call him, he lives at home with aparents.Can I call time out? Can I leave this for a time? Has anyone had experience of backing off for a bit, to see if things improve? I had my best day for feeling grounded yesterday, but its 4am and the panic is setting in. I've set limits that I will email twice a week, he doesn't have to reply, but he is on overload and I feel I'm there with him! now I feel I've got past the stage of caring. Its so horrible. I'm not a mother, I've been a single person for 49 years and now he's appeared in my life, I feel helpless to help & when I try, I get messages that I'm not accepting him. I think my head will explode if I don't back off, thanks for letting me get this off my chest, I only get counselling once a month and its not enough/doesn't seem to help. This forum is helping through this treacle I'm rowing through.

[TBooth]

Janyroo, I'm not sure I have much advice to give. I think no matter what side you're on, this is what we all fear...finding someone who's not emotionally healthy and is (maybe) more than we can deal with. I'd encourage you not to back off completely...that may cause irreparable harm if you want to maintain contact with your son. He's testing you. However, you MUST take care of yourself!!! If you need some space, take it. Just do your best to explain to your son that you're still there, but need to take it at a slower pace. Be as honest as you can and keep the door open.

In the best of reunion situations, this stuff can be overwhelming. You're not alone.

I hope others have some helpful advice.

[Mommy24]

Janny, Just wanted to drop in and offer a shoulder to lean on, Please feel free to Pm me or email me if you need someone to listen.
*hugs*

[Tigger27]

Janny,

If you are having suicidal thoughts, I URGE you to call your therapist right now or as soon as you can. Don't wait. This is serious and it may be that you need some time to focus completely on yourself and get some help. If that means getting away for a few days or however long to get that help, then maybe that's what is necessary. You need to take care of yourself.

Please call your therapist and let her/him know truly how you are feeling. I would also suggest seeing if you can go to see your therapist more than once a month with all that's been going on and what you're going through with this reunion rollercoaster with your bson.

Keep talking and please know we are all here for you!

God Bless.

Anne

[kune]

I'm no expert, but I have been through a couple of tough times with one of my "home grown" sons and I know how obsessive the mind gets in these circumstances. When someone is wanting acceptance of behaviours that you find unacceptable, to try and work out what you can do for the person being unacceptable is a 24/7 problem. But......until they are willing to take some responsibility for their behaviour there is nothing you can do. Nothing....nada.....nil....zero!!!!! There has to be a need to change - a will to want better - at least one small step towards recovery- and of course, they need support from those they love. Most professionals will tell you that they hurt those they love the most - and I agree with that completely.

You say you would like to pull back? I agree with you - we all need to set out own pace, and if this is too much for you at this time, tell him....take a step back....and stay there until you are able to handle the situation or until he shows a real willingness to be rational. You are his birthmom, but there is another woman out there who is his Mom. How does he relate to her? Is he supported by family? He is not your responsibility (he is an adult), and what he does as a 25+ yr old is not your immediate problem. It is his - to deal with, and to sort.

Harsh words.....but honest. Be strong. I understand how you feel he is yours (I think all birthmothers feel that) but his problems are not yours - they are of his making and so are his responsibility. You want a connection (right? ) not a complication. Set your boundaries and stick to them as firmly as you can.

Most importantly, don't make him your responsibility - he needs to be resonsible for self first.

I feel for you Jannyroo - it must be so difficult finally being able to know your young man, and finding him in this situation. Reunion is so stressful at the best of times. Your emotions and thoughts are all over the place and will be for a while yet. I was bouncing off the walls for months. I saw reunion as a way to right my No.1 wrong and the energy expended was huge. I didn't sleep well, couldn't concentrate, and like you wondered if I could ever get my old life back. But....eventually it all settled down..and I'm sure yours will too with help from your therapist and friends. Look after yourself first. Make yourself the priority and be kind to yourself instead of beating yourself up for placing him or / being dissapointed now / or not being able to "fix" his problems.

Keep posting - it helps - and there will always be someone here who can understand what you are going through and offer support. We have walked the walk - know how hard it is, and can understand your pain.

Regards
Ann

[taramayrn]

If you’re in trouble, and you need help, please call one of the numbers below to talk to a trained professional who can help you through your time of need.

Helpful Crisis Hotline Phone numbers:
·Suicide Hotlines - 1-800-784-2433 (1-800-Suicide)
·Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-827-7571
·BoysTown National Hotline – 1-800-448-3000
·Covenant House Nineline – 1-800-999-9999
·National Runaway Switchboard – 1-800-621-400
·National Child Abuse Hotline – 1-800-792-5200

[marimari]

Jannyroo...Reunions are hard, very hard at times.
Becoming a new mom, sort of, after all these years of not actively being one, well, that is like trying to fit ourselves into a pair of shoes that we used to wear..even tho we love them and all, our feet have stretched and it's uncomfortable...
It sounds like both of you are in pain right now..growing pains, all sorts of pains.
I read that during reunion both parties get thrown back to various ages in a way...he soyunds like he may be acting like a toddler, throwing tantrums, and may be feeling his confusion over adoption, etc..He still lives at home, I think I read, so that adds another variable into the mix..he may be getting some messages from his a-ffamily.
You are also perhaps feelng like that young girl who had to sign him away..more confusion and hurts are resurfacing. Plus, this all started off well, right, so who is prepared for it to change so quickly? That's the roller coaster thing..up and down.....

I can see where running seems like the perfect solution..and you do have to do what works for you. While I feel sad and concerned because you are feeling so lost and maybe even betrayed, I am not sure if ending it will serve you well either, or him.
He already sounds like he is having a hard time believing that you even want him at all...his fear that you aren't accepting him..if you leave, that will confirm that for him.
I think someone suggested that he may be testing you, not unlike a child, to see if you are here to stay.
That doesn't mean that you become a doormat and take his abuse, but do you feel there is a way that you can lovingly say to him that you are here to stay, but his behavior is hurting you..asking if he can respect that you don't want to be spoken to with cuss words, etc..that it is offensive to you? On the other hand, they are only words..well, to me, they are...and if he is as pianed as you are, he may be having a hard time with everything, too.
Do you know what sort of relationship he has with his a-family?
Oh, jannyroo..it is all very hard to figure out..sometimes we don't ever figure things out. At two months I think I was still pretty hi up on that roller coaster, but it didn't take too much longer for it to go crashing down..then it goes up...
if you can be aware that this is how it goes for awhile, maybe you can be comfortable with that..sort of?
Have you read any books or do you have a counselor or adoption support group that you could seek out? He may need one, too, if you could suggest that.
Since you didn't go onto have more children, having him in your life now is not unlike bringing home a new baby..so much to learn about each other, even tho you are familiar wioth each other..and a lot of responsibility involved, too.
Do you remember how you felt at relinquishment? Maybe if we can listen to your heart, maybe it'll help you get thru some of the old hurts ... Whatever you do is surely your choice and you do have to take care of yourself..I do hope that if you chose to walk away from all of this, that you are able to tell him, so he's not left in the dark..and I, too, hope that you leave a door open.
It's all so new...I am sorry that you both are hurting so much....I hope that you are feeling better today..both of you. Communication is so important at these times and both adoptees and b-moms have so many things to revisit and feel...it's tough. Be kind to yourselves..a friend told me a way back to give it to God...

[Jannyroo]

replied to my post. It has been much more than helpful. You've got me through some very dark hours.

I've set up some boundaries for my son by stipulating the 2 days I will email and sticking to them and it's only early days yet, but my son seems to be responding.

I've also been able to respond better emotionally to his needs (and mine) I would say this website beats the pants off any counselling I've had.

I can't thank you all enough for being kind and tender and yet truthful. I've listened to what you have all had to say, and it's been great. Thanks again. I just hope I've typed this in the right channel, I'm still struggling with this site as to where everything goes!!!