[Patty-cake]

This is my story and I am wondering if anyone has had a similar experience.

It was 1970 and I was 18 when I found out that I was pregnant with my daughter. Her father and I had already broken up. He denied her and then told me that I was causing my own problems because I refused to get an abortion (it may not have been legal but it was done all the time). Long story short adoption was my only viable option. I lost my mind and some the essential me along with her. My family either didn't notice or didn't care.

The only counceling that I had was pre-adoption. Which in those days ment once a week I was told that I had nothing to offer. After several years and a bad marriage resulting in a wonderful son I learned how to cope.

About two years ago I was contacted by my daughter. The contact brought up a lot of old hurts but it was well worth it to hear from her and know that she was alive, loved by her a.family, well educated happily married with one child and another on the way. After awhile she asked if we could meet. I offered to visit (breifly) while on vacation but she wanted to come here as her a.mom wasn't ready to deal with me in the same town.

In the first letter I recieved my dtr. asked about her b.dad. I reluctantly gave her the
information and warned her that he might not be receptive. I told her that he had not helped me but not the mean things he said.

Lo and behold he was thrilled to hear from her! He has no other children and was going to face a lonely old age. He claimed remorse and even wrote an apology to me.
I was happy for both of them.

While I was on vacation he suprised her with a visit. She was tickled to death and they bonded immediately. I felt it was unfair for him to jump the gun on me like that but kept my mouth shut. To her he was great!

She e-mailed me some excerpts from some of his letters to her. He never lied but I feel that he subtally put me in a bad light to make his behavior seem more understandable. Again I said nothing.

After she and I met she wrote that she felt confused and would get back to me when she could handle it.

I admit that I was a nervous wreck when we met and probably too clingy afterward. I also know she has issues with her a.family. However it still hurts to think that she "fell in love" with b.dad instantly and not with me. I'm the one that wanted her.- Patty-cake

[sunnyfromNY]

Hi, I wanted to reply to your post even though I don't think our situations are similar. I haven't found a good way to address the lies my son's bdad has told him about me. I suppose it's a case of 'who do you believe?' and if we're on the losing side, we can be bitter about it or take the high road and accept that we know the truth and then live our lives accordingly without bitterness.

I haven't found any way to change a person's mind if they truly want to believe someone else's story. I hope your daughter will eventually want to know both sides of her story.

Maybe someone who has been in your situation can post to help you with this. I want you to know that you're not alone.

[Patty-cake]

I really don't think the much of what he said made much difference to the way she feels about me. I'm just feel left out and heart sick to hear from her and the babies. I keep wondering what's so bad about me even though my therapist and husband say nothing. I guess when the communication breaks down after reunion you just wonder.

[carolynppk]

Something also to think about. I think daughters sometimes try to find acceptance in fathers, it makes up what their relationship with future men are many times. You said there were issues about the afamily. She may feel that she needs that male "father" acceptence. Not saying it is right or wrong. I know my daughters lost their father when they were 9 and 11. They are now 17 and 19. They love their step father, but you can tell, they are looking for that "father", that "love" from an man, to protect them and all of that stuff. They aren't promiscuious or anything like that at all, but you can tell, losing them at such an age has had a profound effect on them.


All you can do is be there. I think mom's get the bum wrap any ways. It's like our children know, as mothers, we love them unconditionally and will always be there for them. Seems the people closest to you are the ones you hurt the most.It's like you kow they will always be there. Good luck and keep writing here, you will find wonderful support.

Carolyn

[kakuehl]

Dear Patty-cake,

You and I are close in age, I placed my son in 1972 when I was 21. While I haven't had the same experience in reunion (my son's bdad is dead, for one thing) I think I can relate to what is happening to you.

Refer back to your first post. Your pre-adoption counselor told you once a week that you had nothing to offer. You say that when your daughter found you it brought up a lot of old hurts. No wonder you are wondering what's wrong with you! It's hard to get those voices out of your head!!!

I think that sometimes it's easier for adoptees to connect with the bfather than the bmom (This is only my opinion) because of the desire not to be disloyal to amom. It may be harder for amom because, after all, she is the adopttee' mother, why is the adoptee looking for another.

D's amom is supportive of his wish to know about his background, medical history, etc., but she really thinks that's all that's necessary. She appears to somewhat uncomfortable with a continuing relationship and seems to think he might want to replace his sisters with my other kids. At the same time, she's been very gracious. I just keep trying to say in as many ways as I can that I don't want to take her place (even if D wanted me to!)

Hang in there, send her a note occasionally to let her know that you are there when she wishes contact. And remember - there's nothing wrong with you!!! (Tell yourself that regularly!)

Blessings,
Kathy

[Patty-cake]

Thanks Carolyn, I know you are right about girls and dads. My daughter's a.dad is deceased and b.dad is a psychologist now- so he has it all over me. I just want to hear from her.

[carolynppk]

Boy that is a lot of male issues!! Hang in there, she probably hasn't made the connection herself of why she may be gravitating towards her father right now. Patience is hard, especially in the reunion process, but I have found it has the biggest pay off in the end. Just let her know you are there. I am thinking about you!


Carolyn