[sisnmike]

I'm having a tough time right now and hoping that there are some birthmoms that can offer advice, --though it doesn't have to be from just birthmoms as I welcome any advice.
Here's a brief rundown of our story:
We've had T since he was between 3-4 weeks old, bparents signed guardianship over to us after being investigated for neglect, then eventually realized they couldn't parent him and signed adoption papers. They were both homeless, jobless, no parenting skills, possibly abusive, etc. We knew them just from around town and were happy to adopt T and even happier that they wanted to be a part of his life through visits, pictures, get togethers etc. We actually had daily contact with bmom until December when she found her bmom online and literally that week went to the southern part of the state and moved in with her. (She and her siblings were taken away from bparents because of severe physical and sexual abuse 18 or so years ago when T's bmom was only 3) Anyway, she moves in with her bmom and we haven't heard from her since :-( We did get a call from bgrandma on Christmas and I've sent pictures and letters to T's bmom without a response. I sent a birthday gift for her and some pictures but again, no response. DH and I find it odd since she had literally called us several times a day until she went to live with her bmom and now nothing. T's been very sick and we've requested medical info but nothing. Then all of a sudden we hear from bgrandma who says that she wants to be involved in T's life but that bmom can't have anything to do with us or T because it's too hard for her. I completely understand her feelings but I wonder if the grandmother is influencing any of this--like trying to "erase" bmom's past since it didn't invlove her (and ironically we get along very well with bmom's adoptive mom) I just find it hard to believe that bmom wanted, and begged us to keep her updated when she placed T with us but now that she's with her bmom she all of a sudden can't be bothered. Of course I want to do what's best for her but i so desperately wanted her to be a part of T's life and enjoy watching him grow and I really think she wanted that too. I don't want to invade her space but I feel I owe it to my son to do my very best to keep the ties to his birthfamily. I guess I'm wondering if any other birthmoms went through a complete change of heart after relinquishing, especially if there was contact at first. A friend went to see bmom and said there are no pictures or reminders of T anywhere to be seen in her room :-( Birthmothers Day is tomorrow and I've been planning for months (literally) a special gift for her, as well as for T's upcoming first birthday but now I'm sad because I don't want her to feel forgotten on those special days yet I don't want to invade her space if she truly is the one who doesn't want contact any longer. I'm so torn.
What should I do? As a birthmom what could I do (if anything) that would give you comfort?
I appreciate any and all responses. My personal email is AveryKlan@charter.net if you'd rather post privately.
Thank you all,
Denise

[merrill1277]

Hi,

I doubt it has anything to do with her having any change of heart or not caring about T. She herself is adopted...many emotions were probably stirred up during T's pregancy and birth, and then the adoption on top of that, and has now reunited with her own bmom. That is a lot going on in someone's life! Reunion itself is an extremely emotional time, a time when your world is turned inside out, and she is likely trying to cope with a flood of emotions while also establishing a relationship with her birth mother who, you wrote, didn't have anything to do with the abuse. She knows T is in good hands and this allows her freedom to work on some of her own issues...but in time things will likely settle down and she will probably reestablish contact -- just when one couldn't predict at this point. She is also experiencing grief related to T's adoption as well and at this point it's only been 5 mos. Her own birth mother is seeing this and trying to buffer her by receiving the contact herself -- this doesn't necessarily mean indefinitely, though this may be your fear. I would continue with communication between the bgrandma and of course the adoptive mom -- though this isn't direct contact right now with T's birth mom, it is a form of contact and allows the communication lines to remain open for the future with her herself.

Merrill

[sunnyfromNY]

Birthmothers Day is tomorrow and I've been planning for months (literally) a special gift for her, as well as for T's upcoming first birthday but now I'm sad because I don't want her to feel forgotten on those special days yet I don't want to invade her space if she truly is the one who doesn't want contact any longer.

bMother's Day???? Puhleeze! ... she's a mother!!! Mother's Day is Sunday. She's your son's natural mother; you can't change that by giving her a gift a day early.

I got the impression you were berating your son's mother by discussing her private life. Maybe she's getting that impression too, of your feelings???

It doesn't sound like you have much choice other than to wait until she's ready and willing to contact you. She may need some space. It's not easy. If you know where she is, maybe you could send a card and ask her to keep in touch when she's ready... and ask her also to keep you updated with her address if she moves.

You can't force anyone to do what you think they should do. Everyone has a choice. Good luck!

[myheart]

[quote=sunnyfromNY]bMother's Day???? Puhleeze! ... she's a mother!!! Mother's Day is Sunday. She's your son's natural mother; you can't change that by giving her a gift a day early.

QUOTE]

I do not mean to hijack this thread but reading this comment confuses me . I thought that birth mothers day was created by b-mothers for b-mothers.
Please, will someone explain?


To the original poster:
I know how this must be difficult for you.. especially, if you have befriended your sons b-mom, but sometimes people need a break. I personally have a very close relationship with my sons b-mom.....but even with such a close bond she has taken a break. I understand that she has a life of her own. Her sister and her mom are always in contact and during her breaks they keepme updated on how my friend is doing. So,please be patient this might just be a break.... Not a permanent situation! She may just have alot on her plate right now.

Many Blessings,
Myheart

[sunnyfromNY]

I thought that birth mothers day was created by b-mothers for b-mothers.

Guess I missed the 'vote'!

[kakuehl]

I'm a bmom from the old days... when all adoptions were closed. (At least as far as I knew.) At least you know where she is and can keep lines of communication open (even if only through her bmom right now.) One of the most difficult things for me as a bmom over the years was that I had NO way to know if he was well or even alive. T's bmom knows where T is and knows she can contact you. The feelings of being reunited with her bmom may leave her emotionally unable to deal with the consequences of her own life choices right now. As others have said... give it time.

How is T's grandma (bmom's amom) dealing with this latest development in her adaughter's life? This whole situation can't be easy for her.

I'm not sure there's anything you can do to comfort T's bmom. She has to find the answers for herself. You can try to be non-judgmental and keep sending those pictures. (at some point they will mean a lot!) Try not to take this withdrawl personally. You may have to deal with the fact that your ideal open adoption relationship is not what you are living.

Keep loving T! That's probably the best thing you can you for everyone!

Blessings,
Kathy

[dpen6]

sisinmike,

AS an adoptee thank you for trying to do the right thing and your attempts to continue learning. You sound like you are trying to be respectful all around.....

I am especially impressed at your attempt to give bmom a gift for bmothers day/mothers day...it shows a real sensirivity that I am sure your child will learn

[merrill1277]

Originally Posted by sisnmike

What should I do? As a birthmom what could I do (if anything) that would give you comfort?

I've already posted on this but after looking back on your post again I want to say NEVER assume the birth mom just "can't be bothered" or had a "change of heart" towards her child. This is a very uneducated assumption, perhaps a wish? Reading those words again, I can't help but be concerned that, as another poster's impression was, your post may have been all about berating the birth mom.

[sisnmike]

Whoa! Some of you guys couldn't be way more off track or any more snippy huh?
I certainly wasn't trying to berate T's birthmother in any way at all, I was only trying to give you all a general idea of just how we came to adopt him, that it wasn't a planned placement but more of one because of their circumstances. I adore his birthmother and I think that's why it bothers me so much that we haven't heard from her. I know she has feelings for him and as one poster mentioned she is probably just content knowing that he's being loved and taken care of and is going through the emotions of being in reunion herself. I don't believe that she just doesn't want to be bothered, like she's forgotten about him, I just feel like T was her top priority before and it feels like now that she's moved away he has kind of gotten pushed aside.
And Sunny--you may not have had to vote on the Birthmothers Day but regardless of your vote or not, the day before Mothers Day is a day to recognize birthmothers. I am in no way saying that they are not mothers or shouldn't be recognized on Mother's Day itself, because that's not my feeling at all. Quite honestly I thought it would be upsetting for bmom to receive flowers/gifts on Mother's Day itself but that she may enjoy receiving them on a day that recognized birthmoms. Either way though it doesn't matter when she gets them, I just wanted to make sure she knew we were thinking about her. And yes, she will always be a mother and I'll never deny that but that has nothing to do with my original post. I was writing because I really wanted her to keep in contact with us and be able to enjoy T as he grows up, however I wanted to be sympathetic to her and do what I could to help if she was having a hard time, even if it meant holding of on the pictures if they upset her. And just an FYI--my comments about birthmothers day also stem because I am a birthmother to 3 beautiful children, however I do not feel that I am their mother/mommy and therefore I would feel more comfortable being remembered on birthmothers day, reserving Mother's Day for recognition of thier mommy's. I know I may be the minority here but that's okay.
So, no, I'm not berating bmom, I adore her and would love to have more contact from her and send her gifts. That's it.

[sisnmike]

Originally Posted by merrill1277

NEVER assume the birth mom just "can't be bothered" or had a "change of heart" towards her child. This is a very uneducated assumption, perhaps a wish?

No, I will say it AGAIN, I do not wish that bmom can't be bothered or I would have not been sending pictures and updates, birthday gifts, etc all along. We recently bought a new home and moved and it would have been the perfect opportunity to stop contact with her then, as she lives hours away now (she moved away from our area months ago) however I sent her mom letters with our new address and made it very clear that I would love to be in contact whenever bmom is ready. So this is a very uneducated assumption that because I get the impression based on her complete 360 turnaround in actions that I "wish" she would just not want to be bothered, when in fact it's the complete opposite.
Geesh.

[jane_holt]

Yes every day and still do and he is 32

[Patty-cake]

My daughter's adoption also took place prior to the days of open adoption. It would have been a great comfort to know her new parents and hear from time to time how she was doing, get a picture once in a while. I probably couldn't have resisted seeing her if I had been offered the privelige.

HOWEVER the kind of contact you guys were into at first would have been extremely difficult I think- watching my child being raised by someone else. Let's face it no matter how nice they are no two parents- let alone two sets of parents are going to think alike.

I suspect that when I was younger it have been painful deep down to hear someone else called Mom even though it was apropiate. My daughter is grown and it is not an issue for me. I can only guess.

You sound like a kind and loving person. Both b.mom and child are luckey to have you. I hope someday I can meet my daughter's a Mom right now she isn't ready but I'd like to say "good Job!"

Patty-cake

[Patty-cake]

What I was trying to say in my last comment but couldn't get out is. It probably would have been difficult to constantly witteness someone doing what I wanted to do and being what I wanted to be to my child but it is good to know that she was and is loved. I never had the opportunity to know that for for sure for thirty-three years.

Patty-cake