[Montraviatommyg]

For those who have been in reunion whether good or bad then one side has pulled back would you still have entered reunion?

The past weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions for me which I'm still working through. However I never regret entering reunion with my son as it has given me answers. Whether we ever have contact again is a different matter but at least I know where he is for now.

Pip

[mamabee]

Pip..sometimes I ask myself that question but all in all...I would have still entered. It is nice to have a face with the thoughts and dreams. It is still nice to know how they turned out and about their families. Then again, on my bad days.......

[wilted rose]

For me, I have had pullback in lots of shapes n' sizes in my reunion. I've seen it come and go and with some, stay gone of sorts, but I accept it, I guess. Really, the relationships that are on going are sometimes more intense, always waiting for the shoe to drop 'so to speak'. At least with the others I'm sure of where I stand. Any which way, I wouldn't change a thing! Having said all of that I empathize as everyones' situation is different.

[jessicaj]

Hey Pip! I don't know how I would have come by the information in enough detail or on a level where it would have been sufficient enough for me to act on, but knowing what I know now, in terms of the issues and challenges that can be present in a reunion, I would never have done it. In terms of making herself available, via her search post, my bmom really had no conception of what she was doing-I have to grant her that, and that she's still in the dark of it all. On my end of it, I had come far enough down a path, in my mid-30's of accepting my personal unknowns-if there was the magic wand, and I could go back, I would not have gone down the path of reunion. I think there does have to be some recognition that some, no matter what side, just can't or should not go there. Of course, the real issue is how to identify that situation when the e-mail appears or the call comes?

I think that the registries or agencies probably don't clearly function (or at least well enough) to allow for the possibility of the lowest level of reunion-say for a bmother who can't do a full-blown reunion, but wants to know if her child is OK, or an adoptee who wants an updated medical history or a picture of someone who looks like them-kind of the basic humane sorts of stuff. With the resources that exist, it seems like an impossible educated call to make, as to where to stop, or to go to certain places at all. Maybe that's where all of these forum threads serve their greatest purpose.

-Jessica

[Montraviatommyg]

Jessica,

Thank you for your honesty as it works both ways over pull back. Before the latest fall out with my son I pulled back a few times and told my son why. I openly admit I wasn't at all prepared for reunion as I hadn't talked about him for 23 years, had never had counselling nor had I intentionally searched. My son had been searching for me for five years and the only "counselling" he had was when he got the adoption papers.

I was absolutely overwhelmed when I found my son which was through Genes Reunited which is a British site for genealogists and people researching their families so it was sheer chance I found him. He was already a member and had entered my details which is how I accidently found him. I emailed him without a thought so I hadn't thought through the consequences of what might happen therefore not prepared.

People who are touched by adoption aren't prepared for reunion so when it does happen it can be like a minefield. All I do know is that there should be organisations readily available for this so we can be warned of the pitfalls as well as the positives.

Pip

[jessicaj]

Pip, I wholeheartedly agree with you-the sheer chance, etc...and in that same position, while it was completely surreal to have made the discovery, I simultaneously was faced with a feeling of dread and opportunity-serendipity. I do think there are certain signs, situations, and trends, which would be useful to others as they enter into or are faced with a reunion situation. I think those indications do foretell which outcome is more likely than another. The cost over the last couple of years has just been too much for what's been received.

I suppose, having been in that moment, it's also nearly impossible to tell someone to heed obvious reunion warning signs. Then again, had the right voice spoken and advised me of such red flags, I'm usually one to listen, contemplate, then act.

And I do think that a better understanding and awareness of pitfalls and positives would utimately serve to result in more positive and lasting reunions out there.

Jessica

[mamabee]

Why are there not organizations to help with reunions? I mean they are there ready to place/take our babies. I didn't know until reunion that I needed counseling but when I did....I searched and could not find anyone with expertise in this area...My therapists searched for me also and she couldn't find anyone and I live nearby a fairly large city. It seems to me if we had better resources out there to help...things might go a little differently.

[jessicaj]

Money Mamabee, money. No money driving such resources on this end of adoption

Jessica

[Montraviatommyg]

It never occured to me either that I needed counselling until reunion. Four months into reunion I finally got counselling which didn't help at all as my counsellor was absolutely clueless and only six weeks into the job. She works for After Adoption (free counselling) which is used by the social services in the town I was living in at that time. The woman was nice but she was used to giving passive counselling to women in their 60's and suddenly she was confronted by an angry 42 year old who had issues. After a couple of sessions she admitted to getting more from me than the other way round so maybe that's telling me something .

Pip

[jessicaj]

Sounds like you should have been doing the billing, Pip!

-Jess

[kakuehl]

Pip,
Perhaps the question becomes, How can you, and the others who have experienced the "fall out" of reunion (and in retrospect seen the "red flags") use what you have learned to help others as they enter (or contemplate entering) into reunion?

I am still very early into reunion with my bson. So far things have gone very well. His relationship with his siblings has developed much faster than with me which is fine. (It is easier to have many siblings than to have 2 mothers.) I am working to define our relationship for myself. At this point I can't imagine regreting the reunion, but the time may come.

Blessings on all of you this Easter,
Kathy

[Montraviatommyg]

Kathy,

That is a very good question and I know my best bit of advice is to take things slowly. Also from my own experience of having found my son if I could have my time again I certainly wouldn't have rushed into sending him an email. Hindsight being what it is I still would have contacted him BUT I would have thought about it more clearly in the first place and sought help. The first bit of professional help I got was 4 months into reunion ... that's how long it took me to find out where to go for it. In the meantime I had joined the forums which helped even though I wasn't posting much, just lurking .

Since I found my son I have learnt so much from others and hope that at times my own insights may help others. Of course I have my bad days, feel sorry for myself, regret finding him at times (please don't shoot me for being honest here ) and get depressed. However I certainly would never intentionally put anybody off searching or entering reunion as nobody knows how it will turn out till it happens. At the end of the day I honestly don't regret finding my son as finding him was the greatest gift I've had as I know he is alive.

Pip

[mamabee]

Kathy---Some of the main things that need to be implemented right away are boundaries. They need to be established. It should not be a one sided relationship where one is leading the way. Both of you should talk up front about what you "both" expect from the relationship.



Communication to me is a Biggie! I tried and tried to get my daughter to talk to me about her feelings and she always responded with everything is fine. She would never talk to me about anything deep which left me feeling clueless.



Also, IMO, I think it is wrong to expect that you can go into reunion thinking you will be mother/child. The child already has parents and that should be respected. But then the question remains: Who am I? I still can't help you much here....because I have yet to figure out.



Thus, I feel boundaries-communication-respect are my three factors for a successful reunion.

[kakuehl]

Pip - I understand the gift of knowing he's alive! (After wondering for 32+ years.)

I was probably blessed in that I contacted adad first. It was a couple weeks before Bson contacted me. It gave aparents some time to think about it as well. The aparents sat down together with bson to tell him I had contacted them.

I think of all of us, amom has been most threatened. (Probably because she doesn't -- or didn't -- know what I had in mind in contacting him/them.) She kind of figures that providing more detailed medical and family info should be my only role. I have attempted to reassure her that she is BS's mother and I have not desire to take her place (even if I could.) We finally met at granddaughter's first birthday party. I don't think we'll ever be best friends but she has been very nice. (Provided me with baby pictures, etc.)

I think both BS and I are feeling our way. So far it's been a comfortable relationship - we just don't know exactly what it is. I'm not trying to be his mother and he doesn't want me to be, but we are related somehow! As I've said on other threads, he and his siblings are developing relationships much more quickly (but it's not threatening anyones position to have more brothers and sisters.) He and my daughter and their families are spending a lot of time together. (They live about 20-30 minutes apart.)

Mamabee, I agree that communications is important. Remember though that people differ in their ability to share emotions. It has to do with both experiences and personality. Some of us (me included) shut down the more we are pressed to share our emotions. It has in part to do with trust levels, as well. If your daughter says "Fine", try saying something like, "I'm glad because I was afraid (worried, etc. ) that you were resenting me (etc.). Or you can try, "I'm really frustrated when you always answer, "I'm fine." because I feel like I don't know how you are really feeling." It's really hard not to push someone to open up, but it really can't be forced.

Blessings to all this Easter!
Kathy

[Mimi_D_W]

Pip wrote 04-14-2006 07:08 AM:
Kathy,

That is a very good question and I know my best bit of advice is to take things slowly. Also from my own experience of having found my son if I could have my time again I certainly wouldn't have rushed into sending him an email. Hindsight being what it is I still would have contacted him BUT I would have thought about it more clearly in the first place and sought help. The first bit of professional help I got was 4 months into reunion ... that's how long it took me to find out where to go for it. In the meantime I had joined the forums which helped even though I wasn't posting much, just lurking
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As a bmom having been through one reunion with my bson, D, (3 yrs ago this June!), I would have to say that taking it slowly is SAFEST, and probably WISEST. Of course, I can only speak from my own experience.
Reasons:
1. you are really dealing with a lot of unknowns
2. you are dealing with a stranger who has motivations that may not be the same as yours, although we moms hope for the best
3. there really are some unstable people out there!
4. if this unknown person came into your life and disrupted your established family, there could be v long-range consequences you might regret

Having said all that, I am happy that my bson searched for me. He used mediating services through the adoption agency. We wrote letters first for a month,(at first thru the mediator so he could not know my address or last name) which gives one an opportunity to be very personal and thoughtful. Then went to direct emails the next month, then to phone calls -- what a thrill to actually hear his voice! Then actually gearing up to finally planning a face to face meeting gave us both time to talk about how events were affecting our loved ones and to size up the situation.

I'd also advise anyone in reunion or a potential reunion to get the opinions of people they trust, whether it be spouse, best friend, clergy or professional counselor. Both my bson and I wanted SO much for things to happen fast, and my dh kept reminding me of the points I mentioned above. My safety was of great concern, and rightly so.

There is not only physical risk, but much emotional risk at stake. If my bson had tried to contact me 5 or 6 years earlier, I might not have done so as I had a lot more emotional stress going on in my life at that time (dealing with a MIL who was in the last stages of Alzheimer's for one). Or, at least, I would not have had the time to think about the situation as much.

I could have lived the rest of my life happily enough without knowing my bson. Just knowing he was alive and well raised would have been a wonderful event as it was a closed adoption and I didn't know there were post-adoption services available. Also, since the idea/need to search came from his side, I think that was the best situation. He always left it up to me to take the next step and that is as it should be. A young adult in a search situation must realize that a lot can happen in 20 or 30 years, and their birth parents may have very good reasons for not wanting a close relationship.

The only regret we have about our reunion is D's a-mom (and a-dad) who thinks she has no role and has no interest in meeting me, though I have written to her, reassured her I had no desire to take her son away or to harm their relationship. I left it up to her to take the next step. D. has tried to talk with her about it, but has given up. That's life!

The Birth Bond book is pretty good, but there needs to be a Christian based one out there IMO.

Best to all who read this and God bless.
Mimi