[StepDad]

Hello. It's been awhile since I was here last. I'm not able to come here very often, I am out over the road during the week. It's been a rough week for my wife. The one good thing is very good, indeed. Her son called up the lab where she had made arrangements for the DNA test, and gave them his information. They should be getting their kits in the mail on Monday! Hopefully, it won't be long now when they can begin their reunion.

On the other front, things have gone from bad to worse. Her sisters are e-mailing her, complaining of the way she publicly portrayed her mom and dad in her blog, saying that they don't believe her story of rape. She has e-mailed them back with specific examples of how different their childhoods were, even with the same set of parents. That by the time my wife was born, her parents were beginning to have serious marital problems, her father's alcoholism was escalating, her mother was suffering from severe depression and - just as in the case of rape and unmarried young girls - these things weren't discussed back then. Her mother should have been on medication in the early 70's, but suffered with no diagnosis or medication. My wife was emotionally abused in that house, was physically abused in that house by her father AND her brother (her father hit her, her brother molested her), and was ignored by her mother who was too busy with her 'pity party' to be concerned with her.
I have never been an advocate of severing ties with one's own family, but my wife doesn't need this at this time (she doesn't need it at any time, but especially not now). She has hardly eaten for the past week, I will look over at her and she is just staring off into space, she begins to cry whenever she thinks about it, and I have tried my best to let her know that I not only believe her, that I believe IN her. That I understand completely why she did what she did, that I can see why she felt like she couldn't bring herself to subject herself to such scrutiny from her own family. I am ready to screen her e-mails and phone calls and tell these people to go to H***.
She is ready to bring her mother over here to the house, let her read everything in the order it was written, both from her, and her loving sisters... Let her mom decide for herself if she jumps on the sisters bandwagon, or believes her daughter and sees her other daughters for what they really are... I'm not sure she's ready to do that, though. If her mom reacts the way that her sisters have, it will completely destroy my wife. Having to justify herself to her sisters is bad enough, having to defend herself against her enitre family is something I don't think she's strong enough to handle right now. I don't know what to do to help my wife. I originally joined this forum to help my wife enter a reunion, now I'm trying to help her get through the condemnation from her family... The reunion should be the top priority for her now, not this B/S coming from her sisters.

So far, I don't think that her mother knows about any of this. Now my wife has to decide if it should come from her, or if the sisters will take care of it... Should my wife open up this can of worms, or wait until one of the sisters lets the cat out of the bag? Any thoughts?

I know that it would be better coming from my wife, that she could control what was said, and how it was said. That her sisters would interject their personal opinions, add fluff to make their case better, try and rally her to their 'side' of thinking. I know that my wife should be the one to tell her mother, but if she couldn't tell her 26 years ago, why should I think that she could tell her now? I certainly don't think it's MY place to tell her mother, but it's not her sisters place, either... No easy answer here. Maybe one of you has a suggestion for me!

I'm sure that you all will be the first to know when the results of the DNA test come back!! I know my wife can't wait to shout it from the rooftops!

I'll check back in the middle of the week to see if somebody has left me a post with the magic answers! Just kidding, but if any of you have some suggestions for me, I'd really appreciate it! Thanks, StepDad

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by StepDad

I have never been an advocate of severing ties with one's own family, but my wife doesn't need this at this time (she doesn't need it at any time, but especially not now). She has hardly eaten for the past week, I will look over at her and she is just staring off into space, she begins to cry whenever she thinks about it, and I have tried my best to let her know that I not only believe her, that I believe IN her. That I understand completely why she did what she did, that I can see why she felt like she couldn't bring herself to subject herself to such scrutiny from her own family. I am ready to screen her e-mails and phone calls and tell these people to go to H***.

It’s a side trip.. All this business with the family is a side trip IMO.

Its old stuff and if I was your wife I would just walk away from all the family issues.. Let them go and chalk it up to dysfunctional family living..
If the family does not treat her with respect then the family should be told to stop it.. I told my mom to stop it.. Its about loving oneself and taking care of oneself..

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change..

Your wife (probably) can not change the way her siblings think or feel or act.. I can remember a man sharing (at a twelve step meeting) about a time when he would pour half his wife’s bottle of alcohol down the drain and then filling it with water so he could cut down on her drinking..
He shared on how it was hopeless.. and how he was obsessing on his wife’s drinking and his wife and not really living his life..
Drunks take hostages.. Family of drunks take hostages.. as well..

Your wife is about to enter into a very important time in her life.. Major time.. Her family is not going to change.. Not unless they want to change.. She can not control a single thing about how they act or what they do or how they feel.. all she can do is protect herself.. And take care of herself..
Alanon is a wonderful program and or group that can help her (phone number in the phone book in most major cities).. Also there are many wonderful books out there that will help her with dealing with them and dysfunctional familes.. lots and lots of knowledge.. Melody Beattie is a good writer on codependency.. Her daily reader is very important.. The Language of Letting Go.
I can not remember if she posts here.. I offer my friendship to her.. My email address is Jackiejdajda@aol.com..
I am a birthmom who reunited in late 1999 and I am a woman who has sponsored in Alanon.. and knows (maybe knows) my way around the stuff she is sorting right now..

Or maybe she can post in this thread as well.. I know there are others who will understand..

This can be sorted..

Jackie

[eastendmommy]

Hi Jackie. Thanks for taking the time to respond to my hubby. He is really trying, bless his heart! I have dumped a whole lot on his plate these past few months, spending hours upon hours compiling my lists, dishes overflowing in the sink while I searched for my son... He has been so supportive. Now, when I am ready to get this party started, my family rears its ugly head and picks up where they left off 25 years ago...

So, instead of (or in addition to) helping me prepare to enter a reunion, he is now trying to help me sort out this nonsense... I never thought that so little had changed between me and my family over the years. I thought we had finally moved on, guess I was wrong.

I've stopped responding to their e-mails. They are only tools for degradation and humiliation. They aren't calling, because they know I won't answer the phone, so they're spewing their (Christian) hatred at me through e-mails... I'd block them out, but a part of me still wants to know what they have to say without responding to them.

My DNA test kit came by courier yesterday! It is already on its way back to the lab! I hope that Jason gets his back in quickly, then we can concentrate on getting to know each other! Thanks Jackie, Tammi

[Benedicta]

Jackie...tried to add to your rep....could not....so will say it out here...think your advice to Tammi & her husband is insightful . Lots of wisdom there.

Tammi ... be good to yourselves here...you are going to need all of your healthy resources to cope w/ your current circumstances .
BTW Tammi, since your said your sisters are"....spewing their (Christian) hatred at me [you]... " I feel compellled to point out that since Christ said " You shall know them (Christians) by their love..." you are in error in describing their behavior as Christian . Christians are called to love, even their enemies .To act hatefully is to be explicitly unchristian.
Now a mature Christian would be called to forgive their enemies.Very hard to do when they are your very own family ! (been there)
Sometimes retreat is the best hope of surviving a family attack...so as to live to fight another day.
May you be surrounded by loving & caring people so that you can embrace the joys of reunion should this young man be your son.

b

[Montraviatommyg]

Tammi, I responded elsewhere about your family and you both know "where I am" if you want extra support...incidently Jackie was of great help when I joined the forums so it's definitely worth having contact with her .

Pip

[eastendmommy]

Hi Benedicta. I only described their behavior as "Christian" as sarcasm. They will tell anyone who'll listen that they are Christian, I have thought for YEARS that they are surface Christians at best, hypocrates if you ask me...

Thanks for the support. In this big world we live in, it's comforting to know that I am not alone. That there are others who know the path I've walked, and can offer up sympathy and advice is a Godsend. Thank you.

Hi Pip! Are you concentrating on your other website lately? Don't see you posting as much as usual, know you've mentioned a "time out", wasn't sure if that was a reference to your son or this forum! Hubby (StepDad) just doesn't have much time to spend on this computer (whereas I have all the time in the world, apparently!), so he has hardly been able to keep up with some posts on this site, let alone your other site... I know he wants to post there, as well, but hasn't had the extra time. He seems to be doing okay around here, I'm not going to push anything more on him - I'm pleasantly surprised that he took the initiative to want to post here!

Thanks for all the replies. It's all good. Tammi

[Montraviatommyg]

Tammi, I'll pm you ...Pip

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by eastendmommy

So, instead of (or in addition to) helping me prepare to enter a reunion, he is now trying to help me sort out this nonsense... I never thought that so little had changed between me and my family over the years. I thought we had finally moved on, guess I was wrong.

Hello Tammi.. I can not sort who is who half the time.. I know there was another ‘stepdad’ posting in this thread so I was thinking the woman was not posting on the forum.. But now I see it is you..

I was remembering today a share I heard at a twelve step meeting once.. An adult children of alcoholic meeting.. Or heck.. I shared first about how a therapist had said to me.. “Well if you say it.. it must be true.”..I shared about how I was gobsmacked when she said that to me.. because I always felt that the other members of my dysfunctional family never ever believed me.. At that meeting (just after my share) a woman shared that the same thing happened to her.. What she says to be a fact is and was denied by the other members of the alcoholic family..
And here you are dealing with the same thing.. Your reality is not true.. A very traumatic happening in your life is not true..

In the nineties I used to listen to John Bradshaw on TV.. The kids would groan when he came on.. But Bradshaw taught me such a lot about dysfunctional alcoholic families.. He had a mobile on the stage and spoke about how if one member of the family moved all the other members (parts of the mobile) moved.. No one was independent.. No one was allowed independent thoughts or experiences..
And then Bradshaw went on to say that when one member of the dysfunctional family tries to leave or heck just changes.. all the other members work extra hard at keeping that person in the dysfunction.. Maybe what is happening to you.. with all those letters..

Telling about my son was part and parcel of this.. for me.. My mom was shocked when I told.. And I bet your blog about the rape made them all nuts.. I love this quote..

Knots by RD Laing

They are playing a game. They are playing at not
playing a game. If I show them I see they are, I
shall break the rules and they will punish me.
I must play their game, of not seeing I see the game.

Jackie

[eastendmommy]

Hi Jackie. That quote is downright creepy for me, because I see myself in it and I don't like it. I didn't like it when I was a kid, and I REALLY don't like it as an adult...

My father's alcoholism progressed over the years and steadily increased and steadily changed his personality. Everyone else in my family is in denial and has BEEN in denial forever (especially where Mr. Cleaver's drinking was concerned...) He was a rarity : he owned his own business, was successful, never drank until his workday was done, never missed a payment on ANYTHING, never missed a day of work... I could go on and on about how 'responsible' of an alcoholic he was... But. When he did drink, he was Dr. Jekyl/ Mr. Hyde. Increasingly violent, increasingly abusive, easily agitated...

The fact is that my sisters don't remember the same parents that I do. They remember The Cleavers of the 50's and 60's. They moved out with color TV and were replaced with my parents of the mid 60's thru the late 70's, who more resembled The Bunkers, except with alcohol and marital troubles added to the mix of racism and shouting matches...

I'm sure that you won't be the least bit surprised to learn that I turned around and married a man who turned out to be exactly like my dad (SURPRISE!!!), only I'll SWEAR I didn't see it for years. Before I realized it, his 'social drinking' in our early 20's turned into raging alcoholism and womanizing. When I divorced him, my family was appalled. He was also similar to my dad in that he was fairly well off financially, so they couldn't believe I was divorcing his money - oops - I mean him. See, they're all wealthy and to them, money means more than happiness, faithfulness and wedded bliss... My mother had 'put up' with an alcoholic who provided for her for years, why couldn't I carry on the tradition of dysfunction and do it, too?

They INSTANTLY didn't like the man that I married 12 years ago. He didn't have money. He worked hard for a living and didn't really have alot extra. He is a no-frills guy, low maintenence, and very happy with small luxuries in life. His big luxuries are me and our children; he adores us. We are not able to shower our children with the finest of everything, but they are appreciative of what they have, take excellent care of their things, and don't ask for much because they know how things are for us. They are happy with what we do have and have absolutely no needs that aren't met, only 'wants'...

Every member of a family is affected when the head of the household is a drunk. I don't care in what 'order' you fall in line with the other kids, you are affected in one way or the other, and unless you address it and realize it, it will carry on into your adult life and you will be clueless...

Sorry for the ramblings. Will go for now. Tammi

[aura]

Hi Tammi,

Just popping in to say that I am here for you if you need me. You are such a strong woman, even if you don't feel that way all of the time, and I am glad to call you a friend. You are in my prayers and thoughts hon~

[eastendmommy]

Hi Aura. You are the sweetest lady! Every time I need to know that there's someone out there who is thinking of me - even saying a prayer for me - you pop in and say hi at just the right time!!! Thank you, my friend! Hope Bre is feeling all better and that you got more rest last night!

Benedicta, Thanks for the PM. That was the first thing that I saw when I logged in this morning, and it really set the tone for my morning coffee and computer time!!! Hugs! Tammi

[Jackiejdajda]

I love writing about this stuff.. Your letter is soo interesting.. I am going to do a newsgroup type response as the quoting method here tends to limit me.. oh oh..

You wrote..
That quote is downright creepy for me, because I see myself in it and I don't like it. I didn't like it when I was a kid, and I REALLY don't like it as an adult...

But they are playing a game.. And no one is allowed to point it out.. Because if a person does that then the drinker may have to turn around and look at herself or himself..
My mom and dad used to drink themselves sober.. I remember when they started doing it.. Dad used to drink a lot and then mom decided that she would show him.. and boy oh boy did she ever.

I know when I arrived home pregnant she was reacting as a drinker.. Feelings were not allowed..

You wrote
He was a rarity : he owned his own business, was successful, never drank until his workday was done, never missed a payment on ANYTHING, never missed a day of work... I could go on and on about how 'responsible' of an alcoholic he was... But. When he did drink, he was Dr. Jekyl/ Mr. Hyde. Increasingly violent, increasingly abusive, easily agitated...

My stomach tightens up when I read what you write..

I can remember my first Alanon meeting when a woman shared that you can leave an alcoholic husband but you can not leave your family.. Parents sons daughters etc.. That really got me.. My mom was in her seventies and drinking bad.. She was abusive if you took it (booze pills etc) from her.. She would say that if she went into a nursing home they would take her booze away.. I would tell her I would sneak it in to her..
She had me.. My dad would say I was the only one who could calm her..

And I know why.. Guilt.. She got me with the old guilt trip..

Drunks take hostages.. Lordy that line is something to me.. No thoughts of me from my mom.. None what so ever.. Insults till she got what she wanted..

You wrote..
The fact is that my sisters don't remember the same parents that I do. They remember The Cleavers of the 50's and 60's. They moved out with color TV and were replaced with my parents of the mid 60's thru the late 70's, who more resembled The Bunkers, except with alcohol and marital troubles added to the mix of racism and shouting matches...

My sister and I stopped talking for many years.. We did cut off..
Cut off is apparently common in dysfunctional families..

We did not understand each others reality.. Just recently my dad died.. My sister and I are working out the grief stuff.. I was at her place this week and she talked about how she was put in charge of me.. She talked about our cut off time.. She said she needed that time to sort how to handle a younger sister.. And I saw the pain she must have had with two acting out parents.. fighting and drinking and on and on.. and taking care of me.. Or thinking she had to take care of me..
She sees the problem now.. But I believe she did not see or acknowledge (to herself) the problem for years and years.. I felt so alone with what I knew about my parents.. Now she is with me.. it has taken a while.. but we have full circle.. (we are in our sixties)
Maybe your sisters have a lot to sort..

You wrote..
I'm sure that you won't be the least bit surprised to learn that I turned around and married a man who turned out to be exactly like my dad (SURPRISE!!!), only I'll SWEAR I didn't see it for years. Before I realized it, his 'social drinking' in our early 20's turned into raging alcoholism and womanizing. When I divorced him, my family was appalled. He was also similar to my dad in that he was fairly well off financially, so they couldn't believe I was divorcing his money - oops - I mean him. See, they're all wealthy and to them, money means more than happiness, faithfulness and wedded bliss... My mother had 'put up' with an alcoholic who provided for her for years, why couldn't I carry on the tradition of dysfunction and do it, too?

I understand what you are saying.. Its all surface.. It’s all an act and the only way to tolerate the act is to have a drink.. or have some food.. or addict on gambling or addict on caretaking and doing the poor me..

“And if I see that they are playing a game.. they will punish me..”

Because if you see they are playing a game.. you expose them and then they will have to acknowledge their feeling self..

AA is incredible in the concept of the twelve steps.. That fourth step.. of writing down what bothers a person and then looking at the persons part in it.. Some will say.. “No can do”.. "I am a martyr to myself and it is someone else’s fault".. "and Jackie have a drink"..

You wrote..
They INSTANTLY didn't like the man that I married 12 years ago. He didn't have money. He worked hard for a living and didn't really have alot extra. He is a no-frills guy, low maintenence, and very happy with small luxuries in life. His big luxuries are me and our children; he adores us. We are not able to shower our children with the finest of everything, but they are appreciative of what they have, take excellent care of their things, and don't ask for much because they know how things are for us. They are happy with what we do have and have absolutely no needs that aren't met, only 'wants'...

And he came on the net and asked for help on how to help you with all this that you are going through right now..
He is a keeper..

My hubby drank.. I stayed with him.. He stopped drinking in 1985..
It took me a year to get used to not living in a crises zone.. Of not getting tense when I knew he was coming home..
Hubby was a blackout drinker.. Mom and dad were constant.. When mom and dad drank more than their daily quota the fights started..
Bradshaw said that when we (ACA’s) marry an alcoholic we are marrying what we know.. And some of us are the caretaker.. its how we matter..
We do not think of ourselves.. we take care of.. the acting out person..
How we matter..

Thanks for sharing Tammi.. I miss my Alanon meetings.. I no longer go.. I no longer have a problem with alcohol making my life crazy..

My bson drinks.. I am frightened of it..
I am sure there is no problem.. but I have to keep telling myself.. to stop projecting..

Jackie

[eastendmommy]

Hi Jackie. I am so enjoying this conversation we are having. It's like a floodwall of emotions has come washing over me since this latest tirade from my sisters.A couple of things to point out - 1st, my father passed away in 1991 of (SURPRISE!!!) a heart attack, and he also had cirrosus of the liver (sorry, I have NO idea how to spell that word and my kid has the dictionary in his backpack!!!) Ever since he died, the rest of my family put him so high up on this imaginary pedestal that Hercules couldn't knock him off! And 2nd, my sisters are 8 and 10 years older than me. They were grown and gone by the time his drinking had reached its fevered pitch. When they were growing up, he was only a social drinker, i.e., when the neighborhood bridge club would come over, they would all have their highballs and have a grand old time... Or he might have a cocktail on the rare occassions we would eat out... So they have denied all along - ever since I was a pre-teen - that dad had a 'drinking problem'. I was always seen as the only problem to ever enter that house. Every bad thing that happened after I was labelled the problem child was instantly my fault. No questions asked.

I got to where I just expected to be blamed. I KNEW that I would be blamed for something, whether I did it or not, so why not go on and do awful things?... Pushing their buttons became a hobby to me, like stamp collecting, only MUCH funner...

One of my sisters is a college professor, has like 50 degrees (okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little...) and is supposedly highly intelligent. Maybe in matters of correct english usage, or something, but not in anything of substance. If she would bother to read even ONE book on adult children of alcoholics, or ONE study of birthmothers, she would HAVE to open her eyes that my "stories" are quite common, quite believable, and quite predictable... She will never do that, I'm sure... This same sister is married to a man who makes you cringe, but hey - he's got money! He hit on me when I was still in high school and he and my sister were dating. He hit on my other sister, as well, but do you think that either one of us told her then????? NO! Because I KNEW that she wouldn't believe me! I don't really know what my other sisters reason was for not telling... Probably the same thing, but she wouldn't admit it...

The oldest sister is a dingbat. A total stereotype of a dumb blonde (no offense to other blondes - just her!). She is the one who will screw up the punch line in a joke, she is the one who has to get her license out to tell you her name, she is the one who will say something and you just look at her and shake your head like that Aflac duck going "HUH?" This sister is on husband #3, but the problems in her marriage have NEVER been her fault! I can't understand how ANY of her husbands have lived to tell the tale, she is rigid and demanding, OCD to the MAX, almost non-existant sexually (thanks to mom for that one - she was so cold that the furnace kicked on when she got in bed...oooh, bad joke, sorry!). She has two children, from different fathers, and when hubby #2 drank Wild Turkey, he would beat his son and stepson for the DUMBEST things while my sister went in the other room and pretended not to hear... To this day, she denies that he beat them, and my nephew (her son) is thrown into the mix with me and is now a liar, as well...

My dad used to tell me every single day of my life that I "Would never amount to a hill of beans". Now, as a child, I didn't know what a hill of beans was, or why it would matter if I never amounted to one... But, the insult was that I would never amount to anything... Nice thing to say to your young daughter... If you get told something enough times, you begin to believe it. I was fulfilling their prophecy as far as I was concerned at the time. Get accused of being bad enough times, you eventually realize that you might as well DO the things if you're going to get accused of it anyway...

My only brother has been quiet about this latest round of ammo. He hasn't spoken to me in about 13 years (boo-hoo), but I would be willing to bet that he and my sisters are talking about this, and I'll bet he read my blog before I put it on "Private". He will be right onboard their bandwagon, for he has the most to lose of any of us here. He molested me in high school, so I am quite certain that he will tell them that that is a lie, too. So they will have more lies (so they think) to add to the mix, further proving to them what a liar I am...

My father broke my nose my junior year in high school. I went to school the next day and I have friends who remember how I looked that day. Huge, swollen nose with dried blood all around it, a big crook in the middle where the bone was sideways. Nowadays, social services would have been called by a teacher who saw that. Not back then. They probably looked at it and wondered how 'bad' I had been to deserve that!!!!! He beat me with a belt one night and made the whole family watch his "Sport". I went to a swimming lesson the next day with welts and bruises all over my upper legs and thigh areas. Now, he'd be arrested by the end of the day... Then, the swimming instructors just wondered how 'bad' I must've been to deserve THAT!!!

Everybody else on the Planet notices that things have changed from then to now. People are 'enlightened' as to the ripple effect that one person's drinking has on everybody else in the family. Not my Queens of Denial. They are just as clueless today as they were 30 years ago... I don't fault them for being so clueless 30 years ago; I do, however, have a problem with their continued 'head in the sand' trick...

I have copied down your quote from RD Laing. It is my childhood to a T. Thanks for this dialogue. I am thoroughly enjoying it. You are an enormous help, Jackie. Tammi

[dpen6]

Tammi,

You are one cool chick....your strenth, honesty and writing ability are right on....I just love reading your posts and seeing how you are really getting somewhere...
Jackie...well you already know(I think) how great I think it is to converse with you!

Keep this up it really is teaching me a think or too..just by reading

Thanks

[Jackiejdajda]

You wrote
When they were growing up, he was only a social drinker, i.e., when the neighborhood bridge club would come over, they would all have their highballs and have a grand old time... Or he might have a cocktail on the rare occasions we would eat out... So they have denied all along - ever since I was a pre-teen - that dad had a 'drinking problem'. I was always seen as the only problem to ever enter that house. Every bad thing that happened after I was labeled the problem child was instantly my fault. No questions asked.

I was the bad one as well.. And I acted out as well.. I did not honor who I was because no one honored who I was..

That business of “If you say it it must be true”.. When that therapist said that to me.. I felt very strange.. I felt connected with the woman.. Then she had me write down a letter to my bson.. (I hardly ever spoke of him before that)
Finally my feelings were being acknowledged.. When I wrote that letter I wrote truths.. I wrote my truths and I shared them with her.. in a very vulnerable manner.. I could not do that with someone who told me I was a liar.. Or who did not accept me for the very person I am or was..

I have been thinking of your family denying that what happened to you happened.. Actually coming at you in order to get you to change your past... Its insane.
How in the heck can they want to know you if they tell you that who you