[FauxClaud]

It caught me by surprise once again. You would think I would know by now.
I feel lost, aimless, irriatable, cranky. I just want to sleep, but then I can't. Up all night watching bad movies, having a bit of scotch..then sleep late all morning..can't find my way out of bed..don't want to get up, don't care about the laundry piling up, I'm just not dealing well. Fighting with the husband over nothing, breaking out in tears, easy to yell at the kids, getting on my nerves. What is wrong with me, I wonder.
Then, it hits. It's THAT time of year again. My Max's birthday is arond the corner...and it's the big one..18.
Logically, I should be "better". I have moved on. I have a good life. I have a great husband, three great kids at home, a big warm house, I love my job, good friends.
Mentally, it's all OK now. Though I haven't met him yet, I found my son this past year. I know he is alive, he is well, he is amazing. I know him..we chat. I can see his face.. I can hear him play his music..I can hear his voice. He writes to my other oldest son..they are learing what it means to be brothers. Really, it worked out OK on the surface, in the adoption book of happy endings.
But something inside me doesn't listen still to the logic and the sense. I think my body remembers. It's not a concious thing. I think it is on a cellular level. I don't think about it, I don't look to the calender, I don't wait nor want to feel this way, but it comes, every year. Like a blood red tide pulled by the moon. My soul knows what my brain does not and it calls forth the tears to cleanse for another year.
It doesn't seem possible that it is here. He's 18. My baby that I have yet to see and hold again since he was 2 days old. God, I waited so long for this day to come. It was the light at the end of the tunnel..waiting for 18. I remember getting to 9 years and thinking..wow halfway there. and then the countdown after I made it over the hump. At 14 years, I began to see an end. Only four more years. Four more years was the time one spent in high school, a presdential term, enough time for a college degree..it was a small measureable space.
It's three weeks now until his birthday. In many ways I am closer now to who I was at that time, then I have been in many years. So much has been revisited in the past few years, I have examined so much of my life then instead of just getting past it. I have embraced it. I can now feel what I felt then, at this time, waiting for his birth, knowing that my time with him was close to an end. About to enter the long unknown..and now, it is over. Poof! A lifetime has been lived.
Its almost anti-climatic..since I don't have to be waiting on eggshells. I am very glad I have found him, rather than having to wait. I knew that he would not appear on my door step on his 18th birthday, but I knew I would have that hope, that prayer. Now it's just a fond old fantasy...reality is much closer. I am confident I will met him soon. Just some more waiting. It will be OK.
And it really shouldn't mean so much, his being 18, yet the thought..that it is here..that long awaited blessed mile mark is here..that I can't help but burst into tears. It was my beacon of light for so long..the time frame that I strove to get to..almost there..every year a little bit closer, just chugging away, every day, into life. Now the count down is just 21 days..and I don't know what to do.
Besides cry..which feels stupid...but I know it just needs to happen. I don't cry much at all anymore, but this, this has got me down on my knees. There is no choice about it. There is no "think happy thoughts". My brain has no control over this. It physically hurts. Real measurable pain. No pill to take, no way to reduce it, or even explain it..except that this is the aftermath, this is the legacy of a relinquishing mother.
So don't tell me that you all expect "some sadness and bad days" but you will manage to find some peace. Don't go telling me that it is "my bad experience" that makes me feel critical of domestic infant adoption practices. Don't go telling me that I can't accept my choice and I am bitter because I regret losing my son. Dont' tell me that I want to be stuck in the negative. I am not stuck, but the tears, they are drowning sometimes.
I tell you, this is much bigger than I could ever, at 19, at 25, at 30, imagined. That this, now, is surprising even me. My body knows what my mind would like to make happy about. My maternal emotions have not been tempered by logic, nor life, nor knowing all the good that has benefited us both.
I have spent the last 18 years waiting for this time, and never would I have imagined that it would cause me to continue to weep. Eighteen was the magic number and perhaps it is 18 that will break me.
So here it is again. Again, I have to just let this pain wash over my life. Accept it, embrace it, become one with the tears. It has waxed and waned over time, been quiet the last few years, always there, but yet less intense, but I think it has been gathering strenght. The calm before the storm. I'm not prepared..it's suppose to be over!. God, I thought that knowing him would make it all OK. I think I am in for a wopper of a ride.
I have grieved for so long already... I did not bury, I did not pretend, I felt my feelings, I examined my denial, I accepted my pain and have cried, lord, I have cried. Maybe it was all an illusion. Did I make the magic 18 the "safe" place when it could all come out? How can there be more in there? Is there a wall? Is it breaking NOW? It's amazing to spend years trying to understand oneself, only to fool yourself once again.
So forgive me if my patience is short in the upcoming days. Forgive me if I am a bit gruff. Maybe I will even take a few things personally which I don't normally do, but this was not a loving option to me. This was a a cruelty imposed to me by myself and right now, I don't feel to very good about what I did to me. It still knocks me down and roughs me up.
It will be over in 21 days. He'll be 18. His childhood completely lost to me forever. That is what really should make me cry, but it's more than that..there's something else in there.
I should be happy, but...it's never really over, is it? God, I am tired. I want to rejoice, I just want to live my life, know my found son, be happy with what I do have...and yet, i feel them..tears..waiting to have a chance to spill forth..again.
I could be a new mother again, soft in the belly, breast leaking, wondering when will it be over, when will the tears stop, how can I go on this way, someone please give me hope that it will be over.
But I know my own answer. Not 18 years, probably not ever. I know the words. Just accept our pain and have that cry.
My tissues are downstairs.

sniff.

[happygmom]

Well, you have left us speechless. But, if it is any help at all, you saved my family from the pain of separation from our beloved baby for which we will always be grateful. My sweet daughter (in her "spare" time from school, job, and baby) is now volunteering at a shelter for mothers and their children.

May I cry with you?

Happy G'Ma

[bromanchik]

Claud,

I can only say that my son is 21 and this was the first birthday that I actually got to spend with him since his birth. Holding him was healing. Telling him that I thought of him every year was healing. (He was actually surprised by that. What did he think I was doing on his birthday?) Toasting his 21rst with him brought me a peace I have never felt around his birthday.... even though we have had an open adoption since his birth.

It sounds to me that you are experiencing more than grief. It sounds like traumatic grief. Traumatic grief does not heal in the same way that those experiencing normal loss does. It revisits as if it happened yesterday, it never really heals the wounds. Traditional therapy does not work with traumatic grief. There is a treatment called EMDR that I know has been helpful to a lot of birthmothers. You might want to look into it. You may never feel peace if the trauma and grief is lived over and over again. I wish you peace.

[jude4691]

Sorry this is so tough for you-I'm not really surprised.Being an adoptee I was blissfully unaware of my grief till I had my firstborn and thought about how my mum felt losing me.
She was probably burnt out with grief, and I feel like I have been living with my own on and off over the years.I'm not convinced there is ever an end to it and I don't think reunion brings an end-it simply brings in to sharp focus the reality of the loss.
I'm out of reunion now and trying to reconnect with a birth sib and wondering if all the pain of losing my mum for the second time will hit me like a ton of bricks.
There is no real option but to go through it, or shut down all your emotions completely so you're not really living.
I do hope it works out well for you and your son-it is so complicated working through these relationships.

[FauxClaud]

<-----------passing around the tissues.

Well, I am one week to the blessed day. I still have not figured out exactly what I will do, myself, to celebrate..commeserate...whatever.
I will be sending something to my dear boy for the event and for that I am grateful.

Right now I find myself angry. Angry that people feel the need to tell me that my tough time does wipe the slate clean of bad feelings in adoption. Oh right, what I think does not matter because there are happy adoptions out there!

Newsflash: THIS adoption is considered a HAPPY ADOPTION...it fits the bill of "GOOD" 98% of the time, I am better than fine. My son is wonderful. And his parents are, no doubt, still perfectly content in being able to raise this boy and call him their own. I bet that they would say that it is MARVELOUS adoption.

This placement of my son as worked out the way it was suppose to and I am tired of people dismissing anything I say with the "Oh, sorry you are having a hard time" platitude. I am not having a hard time..I am having the expected and normal experience of a relinquishing mother. Stop dismissing me and hear what I am saying.....adoption still hurts even when it works out perfectly. My son is still a victim of something that did not have to happen. That I made it happen, that he is doing well, that we are reuniting, does not take away from the fact it did not have to be like this. It could have been ...normal. Regular. A plain old life with my son and my other kids. And the fact that this is lost to all of us does make us a "victim". Maybe not so me, because I did it, but all my children..I made them victims of my decision.
If I was a drug addict and made them suffer though a life with an addicted mother who made poor choices, then they would be victims of my choices...same thing. But for that we are so much more willing to see their plight.

Just because there is positive sides of an adoption does not negate the losses. Just because pain is spared from some or some get their dreams come true, does not make the others involved less worthy of an opinion.
Stop negating my opinion based on my "tough time" because that is the easiest way to dismiss what I say. If I was to judge all adoptions based on only my experience, then I would be 99% for adoption because this is a HAPPY ADOPTION....with great sadness and loss. But we all did well, right? So what is the problem. Its the way it is suppose to be. And adoption IS loss.

I will not be pigeonholed into a convenient little bracket that says "Oh, she is anti because of her tough time"..NO. It's much easier to write me off if I had a "bad experience"..well, sorry, I am not going to make that easier.
Good experience still equals unnecessary loss. Good experience still equals long term grief.
Good experience still equals pain.

For the record, I did not have a "tough' time. I made out so much better than so many others. I was the poster child for what a birthmother should be like, act like, feel like. I considered myself blessed in so many ways, but still it is a curse. And if you cannot hear that, if you cannot bear to hear that the perfect "moving on" willingly relinquished mother is still suffering because it is unavoidable or that despite all being "good" I can still form an opinion that does not mean adoption=good times and a great decision...just do me a favor and leave me alone...or at least sign your name.

And yes, I AM..tell me something I don't know.

end of rant.....sorry, I felt the need to be pissy for a sec or two...we'll just blame it on that time of year...my resistance to annoyance is low..and heck, this is my moaning and groaning thread.

Funny, Brenda..I had looked up traumatic grief....lots of use of the term when applied to abortions and lots of use involving children of adoption...nothing direct in relation to moms except on the militant anti adoption boards. I could not find it recognized as viable when applied to relinquishng moms in any other arena. Curious fact.

I will be OK..that's why I get this stuff out. It keeps me centered, grounded, still living in the hear and now..it just amazes me that it never does go away.

[anifish]

I do not and would not even know what to say. I do not even know if you care if I read your post but I did. I will try to put to words what ii am thinking with out making it worse for you. I am sad and feel really badly that you had to go through alot of pain that has not gone away and may never lessen, I will never understand and never try but I am sorry I can not make it go away because it truly breaks my heart and makes me so sad. At least know that I am thinking of you. I think it would be insulting fo me to even try to understand what you must be feeling how could I. love ani

[FauxClaud]

Oh, Ani..that was really so very sweet. And you do know what to say.
I think people can try to understand to the best of their abilty...like if we just connect with each other on a human level...and feel compassion for all our feelings.
Besides I don't want anyone else to trully ever understand what it is like...that means that they have to live it too. I cannot endorse that.
So a heartfelt attempt at the best you can is the best I could hope for.
Thank you.

[mrsburt]

that is so sweet, and true. I was reunited with my daughter over this site on March 2, 2005, and I still went to my room and stayed there all evening on her birthday.
I suppose that I just want to see her on just ONE birthday, so I will lay in bed instead. It is the only way we know how to cope.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by EggyMother24

Funny, Brenda..I had looked up traumatic grief....lots of use of the term when applied to abortions and lots of use involving children of adoption...nothing direct in relation to moms except on the militant anti adoption boards. I could not find it recognized as viable when applied to relinquishng moms in any other arena. Curious fact.

It's a fairly new concept in the mental health field. When I re-print Birthparent Grief there will be a whole section on it. I hope to publish an article about it soon as well. I think it is true of some birthmoms. Birthmoms in "good" open adoptions as well as those in more difficult circumstances. It's not the experience, per se, but how one responds to it that really matters. All of this negating of people's feelings and beliefs helps no one.

[mtlover]

I get it... I so totally get it and reading your posts spoke for me too! (((((((((HUGE HUGS)))))))))) I experienced this tramatic grief at this same time in my daughters life. I was in physical pain. I got from this experience how someone could die from a broken heart... I know where the term "heart sick" comes from now. And yes, my adoption was perfect too. It all worked out and no I am not a BMom that just can't move on. This is the reality of relinquishment.

I stand with you and although there is nothing that anyone can do to ease the pain, as you move through it... know that you are not alone.
You have great courage to stand up and speak the truth! Bravo Claud, Bravo!

Kim

[GenXMum]

Hey claud, My heart goes out to you. Sounds like you are entering a new phase of your adoption experience. Now your birthson is no longer a child and he is no longer "lost" to you which means that perhaps you can worry less about him and concentrate more on how this whole experience has affected you, your heart, and your life. Good luck with your healing journey and I hope you find friends and support along the way!