[alliweave]

I just want to say to those birthmothers out there on this site... I never knew.

I am new here, and have been reading through many different posts - many stories. I have often thought about what my bmom must have gone through at 18, obviously ashamed or embarrased as she only told one person she was pregnant and moved to a nearby town to go through the pregnancy, and then give me up. I know it must have been extremely difficult with her situation, but I never thought about other experiences AFTER my birth that she must have gone through... going home, still looking pregnant, not feeling me inside, not breast feeding & burning major calories to help lose the weight, boobs sore as hell, and utter sadness. REading your stories and replies to others has given me even more admiration for my bmom.

I haven't met her, or seen her, or anything, but I thank that woman so much for giving me life and giving me a wonderful family life.

So thank you ladies... know that your decisions and sacrifices were the right ones, although it hurt.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Alliweave wrote

>>So thank you ladies... know that your decisions and sacrifices were the right ones, although it hurt.<<

Sometimes this is true... sometimes it is not.. depending on your age the year you were born will have an impact on how and why you were adopted.

If your bmom was moved to another town, it was likely her family who was hiding her away.. imagin being sent away with no one around who loves you, to give birth to your first child.
The lonelyness, the hurt that your own parents can't stand to look at you..

Some, of us, myself and others I have met who gave up babies in the1960s, were forced, coerced, threatened by our parents. At a time when there was no WIC, no welfare for anyone under 21, what choice did we have if our parents wouldn't help us?

I loved and wanted my baby, I was 15 when I got pregnant. At that time all it took was a visit to a judge by my mother, and the judge would have signed away my child.. I was not a delinquent, I had never done anything wrong, but get pregnant. My mother didn't want to be bothered with helping me raise my own child. For me and others, it was a decision forced on us.. a decision that changed our whole lives and not always for the better.

The decision is not always right. It is right for some birthmother, and wrong for others..

A happy life for the child is what we all want, no matter how the adoption happens..

[julesbai]

It's important for everyone to remember that relinquishment had nothing to do with our ability to parent for the majority of us - but rather, with our inability to parent our child at that specific time in life...note: note because we didn't WANT to, but because circumstance prevented us from doing so. My pet-peeve is hearing/reading a statement about birth mothers having made the *choice* to relinquish her newborn child, therefore, she should claim no rights or privileges to meet him/her later in life. How absurd??!! I find it difficult to label it *choice* when we were told *IF* we kept our child that child would be labeled a bastard for life, ostracized socially, that we mothers would be labeled as sluts/whores, that the father who promised us *love* if we would have sex decides to NOT participate (for whatever reason), and our family says *not in our house or on our dime...* if we want to bring the baby home and parent as a single mom...how is that a *CHOICE*?? It's not.
Thank you for acknowledging our pain.
-- Julie

[Jessiedo]

quote by Scarlet Moon 13

A happy life for the child is what we all want, no matter how the adoption happens..

This simple statement speaks in volumes.

I think for those, like myself, who are now reunited w/ our birthchildren from closed adoptions and for birthmothers currently active in open adoptions that is the ONE thing we should ALWAYS keep in mind.

If we unwantingly intrude or barge into our children's lives by saying we were 'promised' this or we are 'owed' this....think of our motives...think about who may be hurt in the end.

Are we motived by our own selfish needs?

Are we interferring for our children's benefit or our own ??

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Jessiedo

quote by Scarlet Moon 13

This simple statement speaks in volumes.

I think for those, like myself, who are now reunited w/ our birthchildren from closed adoptions and for birthmothers currently active in open adoptions that is the ONE thing we should ALWAYS keep in mind.

If we unwantingly intrude or barge into our children's lives by saying we were 'promised' this or we are 'owed' this....think of our motives...think about who may be hurt in the end.

Are we motived by our own selfish needs?

Are we interferring for our children's benefit or our own ??

For those who were "promised" or "told" that when the adoptee turned 18/21 or were given any number of promises in order to ensure that she would sign on the dotted line.. it is sometimes hard to admit they were lied too... lied to on purpose for the reason of getting a baby for someone else.

Since in the old days none of that was written down, just words. Lies to make the birthmom feel better about what she was doing.

It is my belief that the majority of adoptive parents had no idea what social workers were saying of promising young women in the old days.

It was still the time of "blank sheet" make the baby just like you, no one will no...


My neighbor made them promise that if no one adopted her child she wanted him back... but in the paper work it says that if the first placement doesn't work they will place the child with someone else. With no legal notification of the birthparent. She thought she had rights, but once she signed, she had none.

I don't think we are owed anything that isn't in writing and legal. No adoptive parent or birthparent should sign anything they may have doubts about..

But I feel that birthmothers owe the adoptee the right to know whatever it is they need to know. They were the child, none of it was the adoptees decision.


Teri

[SilverWitch]

I have read many stories and spoken to many birthmothers - they all have their own feelings with regard to what is owed to the child-adoptee and what is owed to the birthmother.

My bdaughter has made it very clear that if I dropped off the face of the earth, it would be unlikely that she would notice or care. But that is her choice. It hurts and it is not what I was told/promised.

There is nothing like the smell of a newborn, especially your own. There is nothing like the ache of empty arms and the feeling of betrayel by parents, the father and the courts for not protecting us from those that would pursue us for our babies.

But time, a child grown and on their own, make it their world....we, as the parents we wanted to be, must allow the child/adoptee to make their own choices.

For me, she is grown, married and has children of her own. I wish I could see a picture of her and the children that are the only grandchildren I will ever have - but this is her life and her choice. I will respect that.

[RiverGal]

Originally Posted by Jessiedo

If we unwantingly intrude or barge into our children's lives by saying we were 'promised' this or we are 'owed' this....think of our motives...think about who may be hurt in the end.

Very true. In my situation, I was "promised" what, by today's standards, equates to a semi-open adoption...pics and updates. The Amom never delivered. Who would it benefit for me to go knocking on the door...now 34 years later?

It might answer some of my questions, but I doubt it would be a beneficial move for my Bdaughter; quite the contrary. It would hurt the one person I vowed to protect.

Are we motived by our own selfish needs?

I would be. That would be the only twisted justification for me inflicting my presence on someone who may not even be aware of the fact she is adopted...and, IMO, that isn't fair or even ethical.

Are we interferring for our children's benefit or our own ??

Certainly not my Bdaughter's! She has a good life...one I could not provide for her at the time I relinquished. There would be little benefit to anyone, IMO.

Alliweave ~ I can only speak for myself, but saying goodbye to my child was one of the hardest things I ever faced. But I found peace. It can happen.

Sure, there will always be a hole in my heart, but it has been filled greatly by knowing that my Bdaughter grew into a fine, happy and well-adjusted woman. She is a wife, a mother, and a much loved member of her family.

Although her adoptive parents were not necessarily the right family for me, they certainly were wonderful for her...and that is what the adoption was all about...her.

Best of luck to you!

~Deb

[Jessiedo]

quote from MissngLinkinFL

It would hurt the one person I vowed to protect.

Deb, you always manage to sum it up very nicely in one simple sentence.

Our birthchildren are innocent, precious little beings brought into this world by us. My opinion...protecting them at all costs is the ultimate goal of adoption. Isn't it to benefit the child ?

I have been blessed to have been reunited with my birthdaughter who searched for me at the early age of 19. Would I have initiated the search, had not she ??It's difficult to answer that question, because I was not presented w/ that situation, however I DO know by initiating the search, it would have been to satisfy my need to know of her safety and well-being...to ease my mind. Motivation would also be to reassure her that she was loved from day one and that I placed her because of my deep love and wanting a better life for her...yet that sounds like I'm easing my own conscious.

I think in all honesty, I would have waited until she felt it was the right time in her life to know me, the right time for her to be able to deal w/ the subject of her adoption. I wouldn't have wanted to barge into her life unexpectedly. I also need to clarify that I DID know for a fact that she was told she was adopted. Her older brother was aware of the fact that he was adopted and he was even present when she was taken home by their parents from the agency.

**I am in no way insuating anything about other's situations. I am merely posting more publicly than I usually do about my own personal feelings about my particular situation. I mean no offense to anyone.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

As for whether birthmothers should or shouldn't search..

for three years I attended triad support groups.. birthmother support groups, before and after my reunion.. retreats, online Sunflowers support too..and read everything I could find on reunion.

I read what Bastard Nation has to say.. if you don't know them check them out on the net.

At those meetings a greater then 75 percent of the adoptees felt that if the birthmother really loved them, she would search. The simple phrase they almost all used. "she is the mother", I am the child, she should search for me if she loves me.

The first thing my birthson said to me on the phone, "why didn't you search for me when I turned 18?" My answer was simple, "I didn't know I could."

I didn't know he would want me too, I was afraid.

A good 25 percent of adoptees, want to do the search and do the phone call themselves. But they too want the birthmother to be ready. They want her to "get it together". Attend group support or threapy. To read, to make sure she has dealt with her issues before reunion.

The hard part about that, is many of us were told not to, or it was implied that we shouldn't. So we put away our hurt and never deal with it. Specially those of us from the old closed adoption system. We were never offered any help in the 1960s. We were told to "go home and pretend it never happened". To never speak of it again.

When I started to search, I just needed to know he was alive and well. Knowing that would have been enough if that was all he was willing to give. It would have hurt, but I would not have gone any further.

As it was, my birth son, at the time 33 (1997), was searching for me at the same time I was searching for him.. His amom was also filling out the paper work to find me.

If you think of it this way, I gave my first child to strangers, I hoped they would love my child enough to teach him to be open and willing to someday meet me. (they did)

My birthson is coming to our home for thanksgiving this year. Our first major holiday.. though I have spent two of his birthdays with him and his family.

A very major thing that universally all adoptees want.. they want birth mothers and birth fathers to "tell". Tell your husband, tell your other children. They don't want to be a secret. Be proud that you have a child that you gave up.. be proud that you did what you had too, whether you wanted to or not.

If some one asks you how many kids you have had, tell them. You don't have to tell strangers everything, just be honest.

When or if the adoptee comes back into your life, they should know that everyone they meet, "family" knows that they exsit.

Hugs
Happy Thanksgiving.

Teri

[FauxClaud]

My feelings on searching are very much like Scarlet Moons.
I have spent over the last four years reading up on tons of stuff in order to prepare.
I went from making sure the agency had all my current info so that I could easily be found when my son was "ready".
To sparotically posting my info on search sites, so I would be "there" if he looked and reassured that I wanted to be found.
From speaking to many adoptees, I did learn that it does make them feel loved and wanted to be searched for. Since loved and wanted are terms that I do apply to my son, it became apparent to me that I would search as soon as I could.
I ended up finding him sooner than I ever expected and now that it is done, I definatly feel it was very beneficial to him as well as myself.

For one thing, no matter how great his adoptive parents are..he can now go forth into his adult life knowing all aspects of himself. Since it was a closed adoption, I had no way of knowing if he was expereincing any of the typical adoptee related issues, but an early reunion has given him all the pieces of his puzzel soon enough to intregrate himself completely. Where the music gene comes from, his natural tastes, a love of reading and writing, the source of his blue eyes, his individule uniqueness...not mysterious to him anymore.

The other nice aspect of early searching is that he is able to form sibling bonds with his biological family. They can learn now as they all grow up..have some shared memories, he know what his siblings looked liked as children, they will not be strangers meeting in their 30's..and he is a welcomed part of their lives, not ever to be considered an intruder, etc.

Since he didn't even know that he could search and find me..even with the trail of bread crumbs I had left to my door...I would have been waiting possibly a very long time before his need to know became overwhelming, if that ever did really happen, and he decided top search himself. What finding him early has done for us all is stop the cycle of loss. We are not losing years to the unknown anymore, but creating a relationship. It's not about what we are missing anymore, but the joy of the connection that we have found.
THough he is not angry and understands his placement, he is very happy that even though I left, I have come back.
IMO, I have found that it is often reassuring to the adoptee to be worth the the time, the effort and the desire to search.
I defianatly see it as beneficial...for both..at least in my personal situation.

[Jessiedo]

quote by EggyMother24

We are not losing years to the unknown anymore, but creating a relationship. It's not about what we are missing anymore, but the joy of the connection that we have found.

How very true and how very, very fortunate!

Actually I forgot to mention that I did post my reunion info here on the side of this forum the day after my birthdaughter turned 18. I also registered w/ the ISSR (?) based in Nevada (if I recall correctly). I suppose I was 'technically' searching or at least throwing out info and hoping and praying she would see it. However, it would have been her decision entirely as to whether she wanted to act on it or not and contact me. My birthdaughter and her mom did find my info after obtaining my name from the agency w whom I placed. The contact was still made via the agency.

My previous post was fueled by the many situations I read on the forums in which birthmothers sometimes pursue relationships and the feelings are not mutual. I am a strong believer that the adoptees should be in control of the reunion.

previously posted by myself:

Would I have initiated the search, had not she ??It's difficult to answer that question, because I was not presented w/ that situation

I think in all honesty, I would have waited until she felt it was the right time in her life to know me, the right time for her to be able to deal w/ the subject of her adoption

Almost sounds like I'm contradicting myself. Who knows what I would have done. All I do know is that I've always loved rollercoasters and the 'reunion rollercoaster' is definately my fav 'cause I'm sharing it w/ the person who captured my heart from the moment I laid eyes on her. From the moment I felt her flutter inside of me.....

[Centag]

Just read your post and wanted to say that you're not alone. My reunion was a roller coaster ride even though I had studied up on reunions, consulted reunion specialists, joined a support group, prayed a lot all before doing a quiet search, finding and later writing a contact letter.

In the beginning it seemed I had made a wise decision to search and contact.

A happy, outgoing, well adjusted adoptee was the impression put forth and one which appeared they expected others to perceive.

However, there was substantial below the surface chaos and turmoil in the adopted family and in their history.

I had walked into a hornet's nest, yet let them send me away, rather than taking leave of a very contentious situation. I did not want symbolically or literally to give any appearance of rejection.

Despite prayers, and good intentions there is never a guarantee that a reunion will turn out okay. Prior to my search I had become close to a few birthmothers and several adoptees who had shared their negative reunion stories.

It didn't make it less sad knowing that others also had negative reunions, but understanding the process helped heal.

There are plenty of successful reunion stories, just no guarantees of having one.


God Bless.

Silver Witch wrote:

I have read many stories and spoken to many birthmothers - they all have their own feelings with regard to what is owed to the child-adoptee and what is owed to the birthmother.


My bdaughter has made it very clear that if I dropped off the face of the earth, it would be unlikely that she would notice or care. But that is her choice. It hurts and it is not what I was told/promised.

There is nothing like the smell of a newborn, especially your own. There is nothing like the ache of empty arms and the feeling of betrayel by parents, the father and the courts for not protecting us from those that would pursue us for our babies.


But time, a child grown and on their own, make it their world....we, as the parents we wanted to be, must allow the child/adoptee to make their own choices.


For me, she is grown, married and has children of her own. I wish I could see a picture of her and the children that are the only grandchildren I will ever have - but this is her life and her choice. I will respect