[fiddle chick]

Well here goes! My husband and his girlfriend at the time gave up a child for adoption. His parents have keept in touch with the aparents, which has always bothered my husband. I have known about all of this since we started dating and I have always been a bit uncomftorable with them being in touch also. The aparents have always sent my husband birthday cards and such and after our wedding they sent us a gift. After discussing this in depth my husband and I decited together that we would rather not be contacted by the afamily untill the child is old enough to on it's own, if it wants to. I know that his parents will stay in touch and that is their choice. Our question is how do we let the afamily know about this without any hurt or misunderstood feelings? We don't want them to think we never want contacted, but at the same time we would like to move on with our life together. Any help would be so greatly appreciated. Sorry this is so long!

[banjo]

Hi, I think it's great that the aparents have kept in touch and I hope the child...boy or girl??? sees the bgrandparents. Sorry it's uncomfortable for you - that's often the nature of adoption - but think about the best interests of the child. What happens if you have children? Will you keep the bchild a secret from them? Do you think that's healthy? I think you need to read some of the other threads on this site and rethink what's happening. I don't think that a few gifts and occasional contact with the aparents is going to stop you both from moving forward. banjo

[ingodshands]

I agree with banjo. I don't see how the occasional birthday card from the aparents is preventing you and your husband from moving on. I think it's wonderful that the aparents are making the effort to stay in touch with their childs birthfamily.

Cutting ties altogether with the aparents is sure to hurt them, they will wonder what they have done wrong for you both to do this. Also, I wonder what effect it will have on your husband's bchild. To be maybe told in a few years that you both requested contact to be ceased, it could affect the outcome of any possible reunion with the birthchild in the future.

I am sorry but could you explain why it bothers you and your husband so much to recieve an occasional greeting card or occasional contact from the aparents? Why does it not relieve you both that the aparents are compassionate and thinking of the birthfamily as well as their child? Does it deep down bother you that your husband has a birthchild out there, and that any contact reminds you of this? Just trying to understand...

Collette

[jude4691]

I'm adopted-I think it is wonderful that the aparents are keeping in touch-many wouldn't.If I was in the position of the child I would feel that my bdad did not care about me if he was wanting to cut off the contact from my aparents.
To me it seems as if the reason is that neither of you want the difficult feelings and inconveniece this causes, and are not thinking of the welfare of the child.

[kune]

I guess my reply in some way mirrors banjo's but I'll give you my thoughts too.

Your husband is the biological Dad and the reasons for pulling away from contact need to be looked at. Will this benefit the child or benefit you both as a couple? Does he hope to have any sort of relationship with the child in the future? Does he now have personal contact with the child or is the contact only through the mail/gift/phone with the adoptive parents?

As the adoptive parents are the ones who know the child very well, discuss how you feel and maybe they can come up with a solution to your problem.

Personally I find it very hard to understand how this allows you to "move on with our life together"!!! The man you married created this child, signed away his parental rights, and now wants to terminate his part of the open adoption arrangement. Parenthood/adulthood is a time for responsibility - not divesting yourself of irritating inconveniences.

Like both posts above, I urge you to rethink your decision - it could have far reaching affects on an innocent child and it's something that he could regret later on in life when the child is older.

[Montraviatommyg]

I appreciate this situation bothers you but you did marry your husband knowing he has a birthchild. Sorry if that sounds harsh I don't mean to be. Good points have been made such as how will you deal with the situation if you had children. Personally I feel it would be only right to them about their half sibling.

I am posting as a biological mother who is married and my husband isn't the father of my son. He always knew about my son although the adoption was closed so there wasn't any contact at all. However he always knew there would be a chance that my son and I would be reunited . Also if we'd had children we would have told them about their older (half) brother. The whole point is it is better that the parents have some sort of contact with at least some of the bfamily as it is beneficial to their child. My son went through 23 years of his life with very little truthful information about me so when we were reunited last year his ideas of me were blown out of the water. That is something else you have to prepare yourself for is the eventual possibility of reunion between biological father and child.

I'm sorry if you don't like what I've posted but I'm trying to be helpful here so I hope how you feel improves. It will help you to ask how to cope with different things as you get good advice. This situation is difficult as I know from my experience but I, my husband and my son have come through it all unscathed.

Pip

[MajaHedman]

This isn't about your comfort it is about your husband's child. How would you feel if as a child you knew the man that helped create you cared more about his own emotional comfort than yours? How are a few cards and gifts hurting you? Nothing is comfortable about open adoption or semi open adoption, it is hard work for everyone.

[fiddle chick]

Ok to clear up a few things. When my husband gave up his rights to this child he was in high school so the choice to have it be and open adoption was made by his parents and the bmother and her parents. The birthmother has NO contact with the child and has been very horrible to the aparents about them contacting her. We are fine with the aparents staying in touch with the bgrandparents. It's not that we want to sever any ties with them, we just would rather it be the childs choice if she wants to contact us. We are grateful that she was adopted by a loving and happy family, and contray to what other posts stated I am not uncomftorable with the fact my husband fathered a child. Quite the opposite actully. He and his girlfreind where very young and made a mistake that they both had to live with. I am very happy they choose the path they did, and now a couple who was childless has a family they dreamed of. We would rather it be the childs choice to contact us and not something that is forced on her. I get the feeling that many people reading this post feel that we have a negative outlook on this, which is not the case, we would just rather wait to be contacted when and if the child wants to contact us.

[shylagirl]

Fiddle chick~ I'm a Amom. And here's my opinion; I do the same things for dd bparents and I do this for my daughter and them I feel like this keeps the door open for my dd in the future so that when she does want to make contact herself there is no guilt on her part ( too loyal to us ect.) So I say to you if you aren't wanting these thing just accept them and throw them in a box for later.

If they are not harrassing you two with phone call and wanting visits I think you should just deal with it. I don't know you or the aparents but I'm certian youall want what best for the child! And I REALLY think this is to her bennifit. How do you think she's going to feel if she were to find out you wanted to know nothing until she could make the effort herself? I think this would be very hurtful for everyone involved! JMHO

[blambdin]

I agree, the aparents are only doing what they feel is right by the child. After all she is just a child, it is a part of parenting that everyone must do, including your husband. He did have a child, not a mistake!! My husband had a child at seventeen with his then girlfriend, he does not regret anything only that he is now 50 and the daughter is 31 and we have been actively searching for her for two years. We do have our own children together however we BOTH feel we need to include this daughter as well. Our children know about her and they know that daddy loves and misses her.

I hope that you re evaluate your circumstance, I think many dads would have given anything to have had an open adoption like yours. The aparents are not asking you to raise this child, only to be a part of her life. What little girl doesn't want to be a "daddy's girl". And what a gift for the aparents to share with the birth father and grandparents. Now she has an amazing extended family. If her birthmom feels that she does not want contact then all the more reason the birthdad should step up to the plate and be a man about this.

[kune]

Your second post explained a little more yet I still believe you are taking a short-term view of the situation.

One of the things that makes it difficult to weave a connection between adoptee and birthparents is the lack of shared history. Each and every party to a closed adoption will tell you that the "not knowing" is a stumbling block to a successful ongoing relationship with reuniting family members. You have been given the opportunity to keep a connection - a godsend in the years to come so why sever it now. Family relationships are built on trust and loyalty - and the adoptive family is honoring your husband by keeping him up to date on her progress. They sound like wonderful parent who, in time, will let her make her own decision. Whether she contacts you later is dependant on how secure she is with her birthfamily's love and concern, and as the wife of her father I think your role in this is paramount.
Blambdin wrote -

What little girl doesn't want to be a "daddy's girl". And what a gift for the aparents to share with the birth father and grandparents. Now she has an amazing extended family. If her birthmom feels that she does not want contact then all the more reason the birthdad should step up to the plate and be a man about this.

..and I agree.
Woman by nature, nurture and with your help I am sure your husband can incorporate an absent daughter into your now family.
Ann

[MajaHedman]

The thing is is that in semi open adoptions it is the aparents job to foster a relationship when the child is just that, a child. My son is only a little over a year old. Should I say, well we're forcing this on him so we better get out of his life now? No, we want our involvement in his life to be second nature to him.

I'm adopted as well, and believe, reunion is hard. He would rather be an ongoing part of her life than someone that shows up when she is "ready".

[banjo]

Hi fiddle chick, I have reread your first post and I think I know what you mean by wanting to move on in your life. I can honestly say that sometimes I too feel that by cutting contact with my bdaughter and her family and that it would be easier on me emotionally. But I know deep down that these feelings etc are not going to go away. you could cut contact with the afamily but the bdaughter will always be like a shadow in your life. You and your husband will often think about her - either together or indepedently esp if you have children. My only advice is to embrace the openness - don't run from it because it will only follow you - and support the grandparents to keep intouch. Send this wee girl a birthday card and xmas card and let her know that you think about her and that you do care. If you have children they will have many questions about their big sister - I know my second child asks many, many questions and has met the bdaughter. As a bmother I have spent many hours agonising about my loss but at the same time i have moved on with my life. I have a career, husband, family, new friends and have even moved cities and travelled. I am sure it has slowed me down in many ways but I have continued to move forward in my life, as has my bdaugher and her family. I have friends who have partners who have been separated from their children through divorce and it's also like a shadow in their lives too. They can no more escape it than with adoption. But at least in this case your husband can see this beautiful child grow up. I know men who have not seen their children in 10 years - very sad. I also think that it's sad that the bmother not only cut contact but was horrid to the aparents - they sound like very good people who just want the best for their/your child. Why not help them rather than walking away? just my thoughts lol banjo

[ingodshands]

Originally Posted by fiddle chick

Ok to clear up a few things. When my husband gave up his rights to this child he was in high school so the choice to have it be and open adoption was made by his parents and the bmother and her parents. The birthmother has NO contact with the child and has been very horrible to the aparents about them contacting her. We are fine with the aparents staying in touch with the bgrandparents. It's not that we want to sever any ties with them, we just would rather it be the childs choice if she wants to contact us. We are grateful that she was adopted by a loving and happy family, and contray to what other posts stated I am not uncomftorable with the fact my husband fathered a child. Quite the opposite actully. He and his girlfreind where very young and made a mistake that they both had to live with. I am very happy they choose the path they did, and now a couple who was childless has a family they dreamed of. We would rather it be the childs choice to contact us and not something that is forced on her. I get the feeling that many people reading this post feel that we have a negative outlook on this, which is not the case, we would just rather wait to be contacted when and if the child wants to contact us.

I'm confused..in your first post you stated that the fact your husband's parents kept in touch with his child's aparents always bothered him and you also felt uncomfortable with it, now in your second post you state that you are both fine with the aparents staying in touch with the bgrandparents?

I can understand that your husband may have had choices made for him by his parents when he was in high school that he had no control over at the time. Still, it is an open adoption, why not make the best of it? I am sure there are plenty of birthparents from the closed adoptions era that would LOVE to have the opportunity to have some sort of contact with the aparents of their birthchild. Why throw away that opportunity?

You say you want it to be the child's choice whether or not to have contact and for it not to be forced upon her, when and if she decides she wants contact.

IMO keeping some kind of contact going with the aparents is giving a message to this child that you both care and are interested in being a part of her life. Building a foundation for possible future contact with the child. Cutting off contact completely sends a message to the child that you want no contact with her aparents, therefore they must not be interested in me or my life, they stopped contact, they are uninterested....that is just my opinion on how it will be interpreted.

I just think you both can still move on with your lives AND deal with the open adoption, if you both WANT to. Embrace what you have been given, you have been blessed.

Read lots on this forum, stories from closed adoptions and open adoptions. Hear it from both sides. I am glad you came here looking for advise to help you decide how to go about this, I hope you continue to come here..

Collette

[Montraviatommyg]

Okay I'm a bit confused by your post as Collette is right in the first post you said you was uncomfortable and in the second you stated you're fine about it. The thing is as I've already stated my son's adoption was closed so this situation wasn't an issue. However when he turned 18 in 1999 he started searching for me and found my family quite quite quickly. Unfortunately due to a falling out with my family in early 1999 and me moving they honestly didn't know where I was. In 2001 I contacted my parents so they have known where I am ever since and have had continual contact with them. I still don't have contact with my sister as she is still tellling lies about me. Even though my parents have known where I am living since then they still didn't tell him where I was or tell me they had contact with him. Subsequently he thought I didn't want to know him and that my family were covering for me. It must have come as a great shock to him that I contacted him first. He had put my details on Genes Reunited which is a British based website for people tracing their family trees. In August 2004 my husband and I joined and that's how I found my son. Obviously he also realized that I did want contact with him and that my family hadn't been completely honest with which hurt both of us.

I know my situation is different to yours but please think carefully about your situation. The last thing you want is for your husban'ds daughter thinking that neither of you are interested in her and/or don't want to know her. I agree it's her choice whether she has contact but if she isn't sure how your husband feels it may put her off wanting contact as she will probably worry about things such as rejection. When my son was adopted in 1981 open adoption had apparently been around since 1979 but I didn't know it existed until recently. I should have been told about it but wasn't.

Pip