[sammmax1]

are there any birthmothers out there that are happy with their decisions to place their children up for adoption. Any good experiences with their adoption agencies? Were you taken well care of from your adoption agencies

[coco46]

Samm,

I don't think any birthparent would consider an adoption agency their "savior". No matter how confident you feel in your choice, no matter how great the adoptive family is, you have still lost something. Every time.

I am a birthmom in an open adoption and I consider myself to be very "OK" with the choice I made to place. I felt then, and even now, that I would not have been even an adequate parent to her, being in the state of mind that I was in then.

I'm happy with the life my bdaughter has now, and I enjoy a great relationship with her parents. However, though I don't regret my decision, I do still wonder what things might have been like if I had parented her. I do wish I had been a better person, a more together person then. I do regret that I was NOT able to pull myself together and be her mom at the time. In short, yes, sometimes I wish things had been different.

I hope this helps a little. I know other birthparents have different perspectives and I'm sure they will come forward to share them with you.

[scarlet52698]

What exactly does a birthmother need to be "saved" from?

[Volfe]

too true scarlet.

I do not like agencies/ bureaucracies so do not hold them in a good light. Adoption however is different in my mind and views than agencies.

Maia

[scarlet52698]

I guess the wording of the post is what got me. I can't imagine any birthparent being "happy" about placing. At peace with the decision..........sure.........but happy?

I also think that those that are "happy" with their decision most likely would not be on these forums.

[Tigger27]

I would say that I am very much at peace with my decision to have placed both my girls for adoption. And I'm pretty happy with my life and how things have been going for me now that I've begun to get to a good turning/healing point for myself.

Like Scarlet says, I don't know anyone on or off the forums that is "happy" about placing their child for adoption. Being at peace and feeling good and secure about feeling that you made the right decision - yes, but happy, happy, joy, joy - that seems unrealistic to me.

I mean even those birthmothers, myself included, that feel calm, confident, secure and at peace with their decision. Those that are moving forward with their lives finding happiness despite the grief of having placed their child for adoption, I highly doubt would say they were "happy" about their choice. At least, I don't think they would.

I think most of the birthmothers here would understand what I'm trying to say here. It's just that, I think, even if you're "happy" or at peace and confident and comfortable with your decision, you will still grieve over the child you "lost" or placed for adoption.

For example/comparison here, I would say it's just like when you have your favorite Grandma that you love so much that has been terminally ill for a long time. Then one day when Grandma dies, you're "happy" for her release from the terminal illness she suffered from and at peace that you know she's at peace having left this world that was full of pain and suffering for her. But that doesn't mean you don't cry over your Grandma, think about her, wish she were back with you, wish she hadn't been terminally ill or that a cure could have been found and you still miss her, think about her, cry and grieve over her because of how much you loved her.

That's as close of an example I can think of right now to show you that how that happens with Grandma and you're happy she's at peace and free from pain, but still miss her is very similar to how some birthmothers feel when they're happy and at peace about their decision because they feel they did what was best for their child, but they still cry, grieve and miss their child/children because of how much they love them and that child is part of them.

That's the best explanation I can come up with.

God Bless.

Anne

[Montraviatommyg]

This is still a bit of a 'touchy' subject for me although I have come to terms with my situation. I feel only a mother (who places) can be at peace if SHE is absolutely sure she is doing the right thing for her child(ren) and is comfortable with HER decision. I know I wouldn't want anyone to be treated the way I was. My parents were the ones who were adament that my baby should be adopted. I didn't actually see my case worker until after my son was born as I was working up until two weeks before his birth so she always spoke with my parents. She saw me for the first time when I was in hospital at which point I told her did mention being in a turmoil about the adoption and wanted to see him. She advised me not to but also told me she would chat about my options when I was home. My little act of rebellion was to not only to see my son but I spent some time with him which included holding him. When I saw her next I told her I didn't want my son adopted and had only gone alone with it as that's what my parents wanted and I didn't have any support. She promised to put a halt to the adoption and support my decision so I could sort out accomodation etc as I was working so could afford to support my son emotionally/financially. Instead she betrayed my trust and told my parents how I felt so they applied even more pressure until I caved in. This was back in 1981 and unfortunately things haven't moved on much more since then. I appreciate there are good agencies out there but the British ones need to be better educated.

Anne - I do understand what you're getting at and your points are well put .

Pip

[scarlet52698]

Exactly Anne.........very well said.

[hannah50]

A resounding "Nope!" to the original question. My story is elsewhere in the forum, so I won't repeat it here.

[breathingindigo]

i agree with pretty much what everyone has been saying. although i have to say that i was happy with the agency we chose. i had been pressured to do adoption with my first pregnancy and the agency we had then was the source of a lot of it. we did not go through with that adoption as i knew it wasn't right, but not without a lot of crap from the agency.

this time the adoption was our choice, and the agency we went through was much different than i expected an agency to be. our case worker was very young and made sure we were comfortable at all times. she helped us with some financial stuff the few days she was out here (we live in AZ and the agency is based in TX) and took us out to dinner/lunch since i was in no condition to cook or go shopping, but did not make it seem like, "i'm buying you stuff so you better go through with the adoption". she constantly told us it was OK to tell her if we needed more time, if we werent feeling confident, and not to be scared to say that we want to parent. and she told us this in a way that wasnt as if she was looking down on us. it was a much more comfortable process, not without grief and sadness of course, but at no point did i feel like i was being pressured.

i know everybody has different experiences and these are just mine. i went through one bad agency and one good one. it depends on the people working there i guess.

[bon]

You've got to be kidding !
They're all just about MONEY---nothing else !
I gave up my son 18yrs. ago,recently a social
worker said I could 'search'---for $300---(when he's 21)
what a stinkin' crock---VERY insulting to me !

Patrick's birthmother,in ILL.
Lori Weis

[Free_to_be_me]

I am a birthmom who is completely content, at peace and happy about my adoption plan. I have always been at peace with knowing I made the right decision for me and my baby, but it has just been in the past few years that I have been happy. I absolutely adore my 10 year old birthdaughter. She is one of the most important people in my life and I love her more than I ever could have imagined. At the same time, I am really happy with my life. I love my lifestyle and am thrilled with the experiences I have been able to have since placing her. I was not ready to parent her when she was born, and I am not ready to parent a 10 year old right now. However, my life would be an absolute disaster if I did not know where P was and that she is well adjusted, very loved and has a pretty great life. I am happy with my adoption decision because my situation could not have worked out better.

The first few years after she was born, I certainly wasn't happy about it. I was at peace, but hadn't figured out how to deal with the day-to-day. I was depressed, weepy, distracted and in mourning. I worked really hard to recognize my feelings and process them with several different counselors. (I took advantage of free counseling whenever I could...my agency, my college, a crisis pregnancy center...) All of this work is what allows me to be happy now. Absolutely worth it. I haven't had more than 3 adoption related near-breakdown/anxiety days in the last 5 years.

As far as my agency was/is concerned, they must be the greatest agency that exists. I have no complaints at all and still have a good relationship with my counselor. 1st, she was called a pregnancy counselor, not an adoption counselor. There were other people who worked with adoptive parents, she ONLY worked on decision making with pregnant women and their partners (if involved). Even though I walked in her office 100% set on adoption, she took the time to explain all of my options. She spent hours researching different things that could help me and support me in parenting if that was my choice-everything from finding out about the day care at the college I was going to to talking to my parents to see if living at home was an option. (day care was free, living at home would have worked emotionally and financially for me AND my parents) She tried really hard to get me to explore my feelings about the birthfather and made sure I was making my decision, not just going along with his. She talked to me on the phone for over an hour every day about what I needed to talk about. After the baby was born, she gave me her cell phone number that is on 24 hours a day so I could call if I needed to. She and I got together several times during the first year and a few more during the next three years to talk and have lunch. My sister even invited my counselor to her wedding last summer. I still talk to her about once a year just to chat. My sister and parents were offered counseling to help them deal with their loss as well. All of this was free (for me, the birthfather and my family).

My counselor was very consistant in reminding me that I was always free to change my mind until the 10th waiting day after signing the Voluntary TPR. She gave me all the time I needed to sign the paperwork. I signed about a month after the baby was born. By then, I already knew what the grief and loss felt like and had talked with the adoptive parents and had an idea of how the baby was doing. I had started my healing process and knew that I would eventually be okay.

I know that I was very lucky to have found an agency that works like this and a counselor that I was comfortable with and connected with. I also know that I am very lucky that the adoptive parents have always been honest with me and that our relationship has developed the way it has. In my opinion, this is how adoption is supposed to work-unbiased counselors looking out for the best interests of their clients, honest birthparents and adoptive parents who are truly committed to building a relationship that is beneficial to the child and enough support to help/allow all parties involved heal emotionally. All of this has helped me be truly happy with my adoption.

Finally, just as a sidenote, even though everything worked out so well for me, the word "savior" is one that has never applied to anything adoption related to me.

[carmentb]

Originally Posted by sammmax1

are there any birthmothers out there that are happy with their decisions to place their children up for adoption. Any good experiences with their adoption agencies? Were you taken well care of from your adoption agencies

I was 17 and my Father set up an appointment with an Agency. My case worker went to all my Doctor appts. They offered birthing classes and other classed at the Agency and I met many young girls like me. I was given 6 folders, with 6 families. I'm tearing up right now just thinking about it. I'm married now with 3 of my own and just to think what all these families desire. Yes, I had a wonderful experience. We had an Adoption Ceremony. I met the parents and even one Grandparent. I still get weepy, but I know it was the best thing. The only thing that I can say, is the Agency did not offer me any post help. They were helpful in sending me letters and pictures of the baby. But I never received any counsel on how to deal with this loss. I would change that and would love to be able to help any teen in the same situation. Take Care of eachother

[Jessiedo]

I won't go into my innermost emotions in public, but "happy" is not a word I would associate w/ the decision to place my daughter for adoption. At peace (knowing that I made the best decision in the best interest of my child), but certainly not 'happy'.

However now after knowing my birthdaughter...knowing what her family is like..what type of childhood she had...how she feels about the adoption - I am now extremely happy. I had a closed adoption 20 yrs ago.

As for my agency- Catholic Family Services...I immediately took a liking to my social worker and she never pressured me. She knew I had made my decision. Ah, but would she have pressured me if she thought my decision was wavering ??

After placing my birthdaughter I did not receive counseling. I felt I had provided what they 'wanted' so they no longer had time for me. I would have benefitted tremendously from counseling. Perhaps it was not the norm in 1985.

I did find out that one of the young ladies in the house (who gave birth after I did) kept her child. She had the same social worker as myself. My social worker was fired shortly after ....not sure of the correlation between the 2 events, however I DO know these 2 events are true. Did she pressure the young lady too much...did she lose a "baby for the agency" ...??? Perhaps my social worker lost their 'winning streak' for the year ????

So, in answer to the original question:
No, I was not "happy" w/ my decision.
The experience w/ my agency was overall good.

but, here's the kicker - would I have been treated 'good' had my decision not been what the agency wanted ???



Please NEVER in the future equate an adoption agency with a Savior.

[FauxClaud]

Perhaps I thought so at the time, though not in that wording.
I was one of the lucky ones in that I did have a good, resonably ethical agency and was treated with kindness and compassion. They did do what I desired them to do at the time....they embraced me an my pregnancy, they took me in and cared for me, they provided a safe place to labor and birth my son, they did place him in a good, stable loving home, and they even were quick to repod to my request for an update 17 yrs later.
Now, I do see that they also ENABLED me to make a huge decision in my life..that effected ot only me, and my son, but my family and my children now...a decision that was based on the fears and doubts of what a young scared girl wanted...rather than the true reality of what was happeneing.
They allowed me to spin a fantasy. They enabled me to ignore the rights of my son's father. They helped foster the abandonment of my own immediate family. They assisted in my negating of responisibilty, the need to grow up, and benefitted from an immature desire to still be young and unencumberd.
They gave me a safe haven to run away to and for that I was happy, but I do now wish that someone, anyone had mde me do what I was unabe or unwling to do on my own...turn around and face reality head on and embrace the beautiful changes that were about to take place.
My young reasoning for placing lost all weight and substance over time and became weak and thoughtless...and all tha remains is the fact that I gave my mothehood away, let my son slip away and crated a tremendous loss in all our lives.
Enablers..not saviors.
Someimes what you think you want is very far off from what you actually need.